DP asking me to not go on night out

[dodies]

I have a very close work team as there's not many of us. I've only been out with them twice this year so far, but I've never really been out before starting work with them and I'm really enjoying having that bit of life to myself after being a SAHM.
So I've been out with them twice this year and then when DM has had DS, have had about four/five 'date nights' with DP so far (including spending time together every night after DS goes to bed).
We all arranged to go out next weekend. Our team is predominantly males, and it's usually just me and another girl on nights out. She's actually away next weekend but there's a good few still going out.
Since hearing that there's most likely no other women going out, he's started asking me 'nicely' not to go. Trying to guilt me by saying that I never spend time with him and always prioritise going out with 'randomers'. He even said that he didn't trust me (and then backtracked).

AIBU to still go out of principle? To me, it wouldn't even cross his mind that he wanted time with me and I was prioritising work friends if it was just me and a female colleague.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable though!

"Funny how it's "controlling" when the male partner doesn't want the female one going on an otherwise all male night out. Notsomuch when a wife doesn't want her DH going out with female colleagues, then it's all perfectly reasonable because obviously he's going to have an affair with one of them."

Nope. I've seen women called out for being controlling in this sort of scenario so many times on here. It's happened on this thread even with posters saying they wouldn't be happy with their DP going out being "told".

My dh doesn't go out much because he's really boring and prefers being at home. I've never stopped him or said anything, when he's had to attend things, but I know how I feel. I probably do need help for feeling those things, and I'm sure it's not healthy, but maybe op's partner does too. Making points out of principle isn't the easy to help though.

And I agree that at least half the posters would say the dh was selfish if it was him going out against his partner's wishes.

I wonder why you want to go out so much with randoms and exactly what fun/happiness you get from it.

What a condescending attitude - "randoms"? They aren't "randoms" they are her work colleagues who she presumably knows and likes and might even be (shock horror) friends with some of them!

You MUST go on the night out - if he manages to stop you going once it could become a pattern. As PPs have said, it's a slippery slope. Be breezy about it, tell him to stop being so daft and of course you're going out with your colleagues, you'll see him later.

DH and I are both NHS and the majority of his colleagues are women. I don’t have a problem when he goes on nights out. Your DH is being unreasonable.

I'm honestly at people calling two nights out in three months going out "so much". I'm not particularly into going out but I'll have been out with friends and ex-colleagues twice before the end of the weekend.

Also that someone said her DP would be struggling to adjust to her being back at work and needed understanding. Fucking hell. Woman turns out not to be mumbot, man needs counselling!

I’ve actually started a thread about this issue but in this case I think you should go. You are not doing anything wrong, you aren’t cosying up to a work colleague regularly and getting too intimate with anyone. It’s a work thing, why can’t you?

That said, I think I’d be firm but compassionate with DH? Unless he’s displaying other red flags, this is something a lot of men/women might feel - insecure. It’s not a crime to be insecure. You are at that stage where both of you struggle to get one to one time together, it’s stressful, and then he’ll see you getting dressed up and having Male attention. Without him.

It’s important that you go, important that he’s not an arse about it, but listen to his feelings too?

I've seen women called out for being controlling in this sort of scenario so many times on here

I haven't. Only a tiny minority of posts drowned out by the ones saying that he is clearly having an affair.

I'd go and be telling him that even the sniff of anymore controlling behaviour from him then he will have to leave/ that's the end.
Its non of his business.

He's a tit and they're not 'randomers' (how offensive), they're your colleagues. Tell him to get a grip.

I haven't. Only a tiny minority of posts drowned out by the ones saying that he is clearly having an affair.

Somebody literally started a thread a few days ago saying they were tired of the "shaming" of women who objected to their male partners socialising with other women, so at least some people on Mumsnet see it.

I wonder why you want to go out so much with randoms and exactly what fun/happiness you get from it

What a bizarre statement to make. Some of my "work colleagues" are my friends now. We go out because we get "happiness" from having nice food and messy nights out sometimes.

OP, ignore him and go. Oh and I absolutely 100% would say that it was controlling if this was a woman posting about her male partner going out with a group of women only.

I actually can't think of anything worse than going on a night out where no other women were going. So... I wouldn't go.

He's BU and controlling and untrusting of you

Going out with a bunch of male colleagues would not be fun for me so I wouldn't go. My dh would be the same with female colleagues. Many will call us insecure and jealous but we have clear boundaries and we are both comfortable with that.

I always think threads like this are very dramatic.

Should he ask you not to go? No.

May he have insecurities? Yes. And I know a few people who secretly probably wouldn't be best pleased at their partner going on nights out where they are the only member of a certain sex (and I imagine there would be quite a few different comments if the sexes were reversed on this thread but that's always the way).

Does it make him a twat, abusive, controlling, a prick etc etc ...? No I don't think it does. For me it would depend what the rest of your relationship is like? Is it just this one thing that he's taken issue with or is he controlling in lots of ways?

Having a moment of unreasonableness in a relationship doesn't automatically equate to abusive controlling arsehole like I think some believe. I know I've done/said things to DH before that would be seen as unreasonable. I'm not a twat though!

I think you should go even if you don’t want to now.

He sounds v controlling. The asking nicely, then getting stroppy, then telling you he doesn’t trust you are just ways for him to try and get you to do something.

You are an adult, it’s a work do, you are going to socialise with your team, not to cop off. He sounds jealous.

What on earth is happening to women? Why are so many needy and insecure? Why are you in a relationship if you can't trust him?
I think was it @marigold who said it's not him but you'd worry women would throw themselves at him!!
That's just wrong, firstly I doubt he's that irresistible and secondly can he not control himself and thirdly incredibly misogynistic.
Where did this attitude of all free time must be with the family? This must be these miserable people trailing round parks en masse; you are allowed to be married and have free time to yourself.
OP; Hell yes GO OUT

Can I ask someone to explain why "being the only member of a certain sex" matters? I genuinely don't get it

I can understand why, say, as a woman you might not actually want to be the only woman going out with a group of male colleagues, if you think it might be a laddy mood so not fun for you. Or indeed vice versa with the sexes reversed. But why would you not like your DH going out with a group of only women but be fine with it if it was women and one other man? Are the women going to launch themselves at the DH, but only if he's the only man around? Their Y-chromosome-seeking mechanism gets triggered and they home in on the only available dick?

Why can't he go with you?

Going out with a bunch of male colleagues would not be fun for me so I wouldn't go. My dh would be the same with female colleagues. Many will call us insecure and jealous but we have clear boundaries and we are both comfortable with that.

Star there is a difference between not gong out because you wouldn't enjoy it and not going because you feel it crosses boundaries.
Are you suggesting that having socialising with people from the opposite sex crosses boundaries? That seems quite restrictive.

Why can't he go with you?
...because it's colleagues socialising and he's not invited?
Because OP is allowed out by herself and getting out by yourself is fun and important?
And because they have kids that someone might just need to look after?

Fuck that very unhealthy you need to go . Always checked with one another first (child care and commitments ) but never asked permission . Last month dw came home and announced off to canaries with friends for a week wouldn't even cross my mind to say no or that she needed my permission

I'd never go out with colleagues without dh, i feel it's just rude. They aren't friends at the end of the day. But that's my experience.
I don't see why she can't hit 2 birds, a night out with dh plus seeing colleagues.

“Why can't he go with you?”

Because he’s not invited?