To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

Have a meeting with the Head at 2 as wasn't happy at all with either the responses, or the lack of agreement that DS won't be made to do this. His only concern seemed to be that it was taking up a lot of time for the school in dealing with it every day - which is not DS's problem.

I'd tell them that I'd be removing my child from the school and home schooling instead if they insist they are going to go ahead with this plan.

"Manage out" what tosh

good luck with your meeting at two.

if it does not go well think about formal complaint, following schools procedure.

I would email a record of the meeting you had this morning as evidence that you have tried to sort it out.

That’s a fair point midnite sorry I’d not thought of it in that way! Was just frustrated at how the school’s shortsighted behaviour is damaging to this boy as well as OP’s DS, but you’re right it would not be appropriate for her to discuss that.

Good luck with the HT. Totally unacceptable response from the person you spoke to today.

@YellowFish123 😂 How can you chat so much shit at this time Of day?

Good luck Op. go in confident because the school are completely powerless in this scenario.

I had a similar situation with my son, who, it transpired, was being used to try to stop the outbursts from another boy at lunchtime. My son was instructed to eat lunch with this boy, sometimes called off the playground where he was playing with his friends to come and calm this boy. There were other things he’d been asked to do during lesson time, which I only found out about when other parents started telling me.

My son’s situation was sorted out and it all stopped after I spoke to the school.

Yellowfish do you work in the school with your DH?

reverse thinking - if a dc is forced to play they are going to get resentful & it is hardly conducive to the other child having friends? However - if they encourage the solitary dc to have other friends to play with (if he has undiagnosed sn - the school wont/ aren't allowed to? tell you?) may make some sense - but the word is encourage & give choice to the play partner. ie some kind of acknowledgement as a semi reward system that goes across the school not just for this but for other kind behaviour?

YellowFish123
If you know so much about the subject, why aren't you the head of your own free school?

There's no way they can MAKE your child do this. I would just tell them straight up it's not happening. A 10-year-old boy kicking and screaming over something like this is not normal. There must be something more to this.

"the child has already been told of the rota plan so changing it would be problematic"

Well that is a problem that you have created for yourself. In what way would you think that I would be in agreement with this? Why didn't you discuss this with me first and seek my agreement to using my son in this manner? You created this issue and you can solve it. It's not my concern.

I think you need to go in there with the mindset that under no circumstances is your DS giving up his free break or lunch time to appease this boy.

I'd say exactly what @PositiveDiscipline has that sounds great!

I'd also tell them that you have told your son that he's to stay away from this boy and you can't really go back on that now can you?

Good luck at 2.
“why are this boys needs more important than my DS’s needs?” should be your mantra at the meeting.
Why is every child in the class not on the rota?
Why is my DS being dictated too when others aren’t?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you at 2pm!
PP's have already raised the issues which came to my mind:
Your DS is 10, either older Yr 5 or a younger Yr 6. Either way, secondary transfer is creeping up on all three boys. The school should be helping him, in other ways, to cope better with breaktimes in a more bracing atmosphere.
It sounds as if the other mum on the rota is on the case as well.
If the teacher thinks they are avoiding the issue taking up their time, dealing with you and the other parents will be perceived as a spectacular backfire!
I agree with other posters about checking their anti-bullying policy, and if you mention giving a skewed impression of consent as a potential safeguarding issues, you might find that Mr. Patronising's arse-covering instincts come into play.
They are trying to avoid hassle. Give them more. (Nicely and politely, of course!)

I agree with Positive that the school have created that issue for themselves and it's their problem to resolve it.

Forcing your child to play with a bully who has previously physically assaulted him is hardly encouraging him to form healthy boundaries and feel supported and listened to is.

Yellowfish do you work in the school with your DH?

^ undoubtedly the 'creative writing' teacher at the 'free school'.

The school sounds quite crap. The update from the meeting is actually quite worrying about the leadership and their priorities.

I work in a school, and have done buddies and rotes for particular pupils, but this is only ever done if the children actually want to do it. For some activities, such as special trips with SEN pupils, we also get parental consent which can be denied or withdrawn at any time, as can the pupil’s consent.

From another perspective, the mum of the main boy involved should be pretty up-in-arms at her son being passed onto these pupils in this way. If you know her and think she would be interested in this OP, perhaps mention to her that the school should be adopting strategies to integrate her DS more fully with a wider set of pupils, rather than encouraging this dependency on two boys who don’t actually want to be his sole friends. His needs are not being met with this arrangement.

The mum may well have instigated this to resolve her child being upset at home

That’s not to say it’s right - just a thought

Good luck today op, I wouldn't even relent to one break time to be honest, give people an inch and they'll take a mile and before you know it is will be "just for today" and it will be an unofficial rota, just stick to your guns and say it's not happening at all and the other kid will just have to suck it up

@Spookydollshouse 's reply rang a lot of bells with me. DD has SN and can be a bit rigid - but her school supported her (younger) with an adult supporting her play for a few breaktimes who helped her learn how to ask other kids to play, and to realise that it's fun to play other people's games too and that it can't always be her game. Sometimes that means she chooses to play by herself (which is fine). Sometimes she manages to persuade somebody her game is fun (which is fine), and sometimes she joins in other's games (which is also fine). Everyone is happy as far as I know.

I would hate the idea of children being forced to play with her on a rota. That isn't good for anybody (including the child who is struggling with rigidity - whether you call that a SN or not). Clearly if DD were being purposefully left out of a whole class game or something like that, I'd want school to intervene, but this is a totally different situation.

This is supposed to be a break for all the children, and your DS and his friend are basically being told to do unpaid work during half their breaks. Presumably this also means they never get to play together which also seems incredibly unfair - they are effectively splitting your DS up from his friend just because they have been friendly and accommodating to this boy in the past - what message does that send to the other kids? Don't be too nice or you'll be made to suffer?

I can see that they have a problem, but it isn't your job (or your DS's) to solve it for them, and certainly not for half their breaks each week, that's just crazy.

Will be interested to hear how the meeting goes this afternoon.

20-30 kids in the class and only two are put on this rota? I hope you remind them of that... when they tell you off for not co-operating.

My DC have also been conscripted to "help out the teachers" with children who had difficulties. In some ways I was OK with this, but both parties quickly took advantage of my DCs, it was never just for one or two lunchtimes, the other child fixated on my DC, followed them wherever they went (which stopped them being able to join in games with the rest of the class and meant that they had no one to play with) and when they wouldn't do exactly what the child wanted, a huge tantrum ensured and my DC got told off. No one would listen because they were too quite and the other child shouted louder.
Its also difficult to put a stop to it as you get accused of not being "Christian" or teaching your child values!!! I did teach my children values which is why they were "conscripted" in the first place, and the school took advantage of this.
Your son is not paid to look after other children. The teachers are and this is their issue to solve.
He's already been nicer than many of his classmates by the sound of it and the school is being unfair by not sharing out this task with the whole class, but to single out just two children to abide by this for half of their breaks week in week out is completely unfair.

*quiet not quite, soz

Another fascinating glimpse into life on Yellowfish123’s imaginary planet where workers are locked in, refused sick leave and sent to the photocopying room when they hand in their notice. Now we have her headteacher DH ‘managing out’ parents who don’t like their children being coerced into doing playtime activities they don’t want to do.

You couldn’t make it up...wait, you could though, if you’re Yellowfish123 you could.