To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

YellowFish123 is a goady pain in the arse. I have no idea why MNHQ haven't "managed her out' yet?

OP hope you get a satisfactory result at 2pm, the only acceptable solution being that this ridiculous rota is cancelled. It is unfair on the children it is imposed upon and sends the wrong message to the child they are being forced to play with.

I look forward to reading your update later

From the tone and content of your posts OP, I think you’re dealing with this exactly right.

Good luck with you meeting this afternoon, it is absolutely not acceptable for you DS to loose his break times and be forced to play something he doesn't want to play.

I think the bottom line is, this is not your sons problem. So why are they making it his responsibility to occupy this child.

WarpedGalaxy, Maybe its not a person at all but the code name for an internet activist group a la Anonymous, which is out to subvert Mumsnet from the inside by making us think draconian HR and School practices are the norm and we shouldn't expect anything better. Just a thought.

Good luck at 2pm OP. I would just state that this boy's issues are not your DS's problem and he will no longer be participating in this rota system and that is final. It is not up for discussion. Rinse and repeat.

Yellowfish123 - how exactly does your dh go about managing out parents who don't agree with his approach? Is he managing out the parents or the children?

Your school is teaching children that the way to deal with emotional bullies (because that's what this child is doing) is to appease them.

Paving the way for emotional abuse later in life, that's the way to go.

Hold strong, OP. You can't allow this to happen.

Good luck lyra as pp have said not your circus not your Monkeys.

I think Yellowfish lives in a imaginary world along with her imaginary husband. She lives in world where laws of the land don't apply to her. If you do a advanced search on her name the post are quite enlightening as to her 'world' compared to real life.

Op I hope your meeting with the head goes well.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff You could be onto something there. It certainly makes more sense than my, admittedly far-fetched, theory that Yellowfish123 has slipped through a gap in the space-time continuum from a parallel world that is a living nightmare cross between a Victorian workhouse and a Soviet gulag.

Of course, if it’s really real, the headteacher DH wouldn’t have to manage out uncooperative parents because he’d have been uncharacteristically inefficient to have not very carefully preselected all pupils, you know, having screened them and their parents for any signs of independent thought in advance of admission.

Is your dh offrolling pupils yellowfish123, because that's what it sounds like from your posts.

We all know how sucesful free schools are don't we (even imaginary ones)

Good luck for 2pm. I hope your DS was free to spend his lunchtime as he wished today.

DH is headteacher at a free school and he won't hesitate to manage out uncooperative parents and their DC,

He sounds like a dreadful bully. I hope he's managed out of his job very soon.

You sound like you're well prepared to handle it, and also doing a lot more on the ball than the teacher who created this Rota.

Good luck at 2!

@Yellowfish - that 'managing out' works both ways you know. If too many parents feel the headteacher is isolating them for having a valid opinion they can go to the board of governors and report the head. The best schools work together to help the children - so quit the scaremongering. Most of the parents (if not all) on here have never been 'managed out' by a headteacher - so if your DH really is doing it they're are going against the ethos of most schools (good and bad). Most good schools appreciate a parent contacting them if something appears to be wrong and will work with them to put it right. Not every school is fully aware of issues outside school, in the classroom or in the playground - they can't be. Maybe your DH's school isn't as good as he thinks it is.

OP good luck in your meeting. I had similar just before Christmas with my DS - slightly different in that my DS (year 7) was called into the SEN's office of his senior school and was asked to agree to wait for a particular boy after school as he had no-one to walk home with. DS had never met the SEN before and thought he was in trouble as he was called out of class (completely OTT for the thing she wanted to discuss with him).

My DS pointed out that this boy was notoriously late every end of school time and that he had always been welcome to join DS and his other friends on the walk home - he'd been told where they meet but had never turned up. DS said that the group waited for the boy on the way to school as he was always on time then. But the SEN insisted that DS agree to wait at the end of school regardless of who else was waiting as the boy had been bullied and needed 'back up' on the way home in case it happened then.

I emailed the SEN pointing out that, quite apart from the fact that DS has a heart condition and had our full permission to walk away if any trouble started, DS and his friends who walked to school together had an agreement (agreed by the parents too) that they would wait for 5 minutes after end of day then would start walking home. Whoever wasn't at the meeting spot by then just had to walk home alone. Everyone else managed it - but not this boy. The reason for the limited waiting period was that it was cold, raining, icy winds etc and none of us wanted our kids coming home wetter or colder than they had to. And there was no mechanism for letting each other know if they were delayed - had to hand in a form, pick up lost property, see a teacher about homework., got sent home from school sick So they could be standing there all day. And finally, what she didn't know was that this boy had bullied our DS at primary school. He'd handled it, had decided to give the boy a second chance but I was not having my DS walking home alone with the boy.

I said DS would wait the 5 minutes along with his other friends, if the boy didn't get out in time to join them the group would go. Just like they did for everyone else.

I also said if the SEN wanted to insist on DS doing something similar in future could she email me first. She did have the decency to reply that she hadn't been aware of all of this...and that she'd told the boy he needed to leave class on time as the group would wait 5 minutes.

I've got to ask. What is a Free School?

i would ask the teacher how many other children in the class are on this rota that your child has to sit in with this boy at lunch and breaks.

my daughter was left on her own when two of her best friends moved away from the area which also involved moving to another school . by this time the kids in the class had there own friendship groups and my daughter was left on her own. the teachers were adament that they could not force the other children to include her.

Agree, he sounds delightful doesn't he @Goldmandra 

@lyralalala , just coming along to wish you luck for 2pm. I've been in a very similar position very recently, where a rota system was implemented. Initially I thought it was nice that DS had someone who loved playing with him, until I realised that the constant upset, calls from school as he had a headache etc were actually due to upset over how this child behaved if DS didn't do as he expected. To the point that on this child's day DS was not allowed to as much as speak to his other friends otherwise he'd tell on him.

Not helped that DS has mild LD and anxiety issues, but I soon nipped it in the bud when I realised the impact it was having on him. Fortunately his teacher got what I meant when I told her that it wasn't to continue, and it's since calmed down. This boy knows he's welcome to play with DS and the friends he usually plays with, but doesn't want to.

www.gov.uk/types-of-school/free-schools

Good luck at 2 - you've clearly got this!

Good luck at 2pm OP don’t take any of their nonsense!