To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

Ok.

And the only reason I’ve called the child spoiled is because his Mum says that’s what’s behind his issues with the other kids

I’d never say it in front of DS or around the child or anything like that. It was used on here to give a context to the situation.

I'd also urge you to be careful with how you approach the school OP, as a lot of head state starting to clamp down on uncooperative parents.

DH is headteacher at a free school and he won't hesitate to manage out uncooperative parents and their DC, as it just isn't conducive to a positive environment or working relationship to have parents undermining the school's authority and decisions.

It isn't a coincidence that the worst schools are those with the least supportive parents or those with the worst attitudes towards the school.

Nope, I wouldn't be having this.

Tell the school no.

Yellowfish just pack in trying to scare the OP.

I'd also urge you to be careful with how you approach the school OP, as a lot of head state starting to clamp down on uncooperative parents.

DH is headteacher at a free school and he won't hesitate to manage out uncooperative parents and their DC, as it just isn't conducive to a positive environment or working relationship to have parents undermining the school's authority and decisions.

It isn't a coincidence that the worst schools are those with the least supportive parents or those with the worst attitudes towards the school.

It’s also not a coincidence that many of the worst schools have shit management.

Given that I worked in schools for 15 years and so far have got 3 of my kids through any issues without any need for “clamping down” or “managing out” I’m sure I’ll be just fine.

I also won’t hesitate to remove my kids from a school with a HT who thinks they are in charge of the parents, and those who forget that there are more than one way to do things and they’re not infallible.

It’s not a coincidence that good schools have Heads who talk to parents and listen to their pov on issues instead of acting like a dictator in charge.

Bizarre response from one poster eh?

DH is headteacher at a free school

Is this the same DH headteacher that works from home and 'drops in' when he feels like it? Can we please stop with this bullshit?

Definitely wouldn't be happy if this were my son, what s dreadful way for the school to handle it. This boy is not your son's problem whether the issue is mental health or spoit child.

Absolutely speak to the school and tell them how it's not your child who is upset. I wonder whether they incorrectly predicted your son would be ok about it, maybe what happened was reported incorrectly.

Surely the way to deal with it is for the game queue to opporate as a single game entrant. So each child queues to play the game and then plays the next person in the queue. Then the boy can play the next person whoever that is. I don't see why he should choose the activity and the person to play with regardless of that child's wants

Try suggesting that the other child needs to learn to be more inclusive the school should be actively helping him do that not helping manufacturer his life.

Definitely go to the school, but start by listening and ask for their version and then list all the things that are wrong.
It is like enforcing a teacher to eat with another teacher every Tuesday and Friday at KFC and KFC only because otherwise that teacher complains tot he principal. Problem is you hate KFC, it is far and so on.

A school cannot enforce a friendship or an activity.

Ha ha yellowfish. Into another thread with your shitstiirring eh?
We already know what a terrible manager your husband is at his free school. A head with no teaching experience and who mainly works from home! Expecting 24/7 from his staff for £17k per year. And woe betide if they are ever sick.

Op don’t take any notice of yellowfish. They crash into threads trying to wind people up with their bizarre ideas.

I think you are right to refuse this. Your child has free will to play the games he chooses and not be dictated to in this way. I would be livid.

I wouldn't march into school. I'd email the teacher to check whether you had the wrong end of the stick first and say that you don't find it acceptable and he won't be participating in a "rota" if this is what has been arranged.

I’d have a word as sayno way! It’s stupud and not fair in kids. And for a 10 year old, pathetic. How’s he going to cope in high school? The school are pathetic.

Absolutely no F'ing way. Basically this is the schools lazy way of dealing with that DC.

A few years ago we had a very demanding DC in our class who had all kinds of behavioural issues and terrorised the other DC. The school, along with his parents built up a "dream team" around him to keep him happy as when he wasn't happy got his own way he would become violent. My son was one of the dream team. I went ballistic and had him removed from that list before it even happened.

Go into the school and tell them that your DS is not there to make others happy and he is not a pacifier for other DC's behaviour. Tell them that you are happy for him to do his bit along with the other DC i.e. one morning break OR one lunch but no more.

Just say no. Check that what your DS has said is the case. Then say no.

Yellowfish123 needs to give her head wobble, condoning her DH's bullying tactics. Ignore.

Good luck today op

DH is headteacher at a free school and he won't hesitate to manage out uncooperative parents and their DC, as it just isn't conducive to a positive environment or working relationship to have parents undermining the school's authority and decisions.

No, he doesn't do this. Due to the fact that his school's funding is governed by a funding agreement that requires him to comply with the Department for Education's guidance on exclusions which makes it very clear that he is not allowed to exclude pupils other than as a last resort, and specifically he is not allowed to exclude them for the conduct of their parents.

Maybe the school should remove the games - what has happened to kids amusing themselves? But this kid does sound like he could be undiagnosed autistic or at least have traits, the rigidity is a key sign. I would suggest as your dh has done that your son does agree to one lunch a week, it teaches him empathy

My child is on the spectrum
I would be far from happy if my child was pandered to like this ,and other children forced to play with him.thats just going to create bad feeling.
Assuming the child is on the spectrum ( could just be a child no one has ever said no to.)
Either way it would be a big fat ...not a chance in hell from me.

Hope you get somewhere today OP.

We have similar here, except with a girl who's own behaviour has led to her being alienated from her old friendship groups. She's been foisted onto my DD and her group of friends, who aren't really a group in a cliquey sense (they all flit about between things and others so aren't wedded together but are friendliest with each other). The group seems like the easiest for them to intergrate this girl into, except this girl isn't like the others and is downright nasty at times, picking one out to play with and telling teachers if they don't play when and what she demands. I had a word with school yesterday saying that my DD should have as much right as the other children to say no without being told off, as has happened recently. Not really sure of the outcome of that yet.

Sadly schools avoiding dealing with bad behaviour and treating the troublemaker with kid gloves seems all too common. It doesn't help the children (least of all the troublemaker).

If the two boys are forced into meeting the other child's demands, how long before he starts demanding more goes at the game rather than having to take turns with the other children queuing? All the teachers have taught him is that bad behaviour gets him what he wants and that his wants take precedence over everyone else. Little emperor in the making.

Hope all goes well today, OP. Be very, very firm. It isn't your DS's job to pander to the tantrums of another child.

Something similar happened with DS1 and I told the school it wasn't going to happen. DS loathed the boy who was a bully and tried to force him to plays games he didn't want to play. One teacher's idea of managing the dreadful behaviour of this child was to insist my DS gave in to him. I had to be very forceful in explaining that was not going to happen.

You don't have to encourage DCs to be inclusive when the behaviour is not acceptable.

This is madness. Of course YANBU. Just say you appreciate the suggestion but your son won't be taking part in a breaktime rota. You don't need to say anything else.

Yellowfish in what ways has Just husband been successful in managing parents and kids out I would love to know. By the way you do know your husband will be universally disliked by parents, staff and pupils

OP YANBU in the slightest. Good luck today with the school.

Oh and ignore YellowFish, they’re on numerous threads spouting off about the world according to them or more likely their DH