To tell the school no to this plan

[lyralalala]

I'll try not to waffle too long.

There's a boy in DS(10)'s class who every break or lunchtime only wants to play one specific playground game, and always wants to play it with either DS or another boy.

The school is excellent in terms of having a lot going on at break times to keep the kids busy and active. There's always football, one other 'moving around' game and then they have giant connect 4 type games as well as bits and bobs like skipping ropes etc.

This boy always wants to play one of the giant board games. My DS has no interest in them as he likes to play the running about games. The other boy is the same. They do sometimes play the board games with the boy, but they don't often. However, there is always a queue of kids waiting/willing to play (that's one of the reason DS doens't enjoy them, he says you basically wait ages and then have a quick game) so he is absolutely not being left with no-one to play with. Even his own Mum has said this on numerous occasions.

However, he wants to play with one of the two boys. If they say no he cries, gets angry or has some other big reaction that usually involves one of the adults in the playground stepping in. This has been an ongoing issue for the last few years. It has been escalating more recently as DS and the other boy have both been playing football most days as they've joined the school team (break times have no correlation on the team, they are just on a spurt of enjoying playing football). The boy has been throwing more and more tantrums and twice I've been called in as he has actually hit or kicked DS. Same with their other friend.

So the way the school have decided to deal with this is to have a rota. DS got upset at bedtime and told me that 2 lunchtimes a week, and 2 morning breaks a week, he's to play with the boy at the board game. 2 other lunches and breaks the other boy has to play with him. He was in tears when he said that he was told by Mr X (one of the school SLT) that the school needs "team players" and feels bad that he doesn't want to do it.

I'm livid. It's completely rewarding the bratty behaviour of the other boy imo. There's no SN or anything like that - I know his Mum well and she openly says that he's spoiled and is a 'demanding child'. Unfortunately she's one who thinks is easier and better just to give in to him once he gets loud.

Don't get me wrong, if the child had no-one to play with, or if my DS was in anyway saying that the boy couldn't play the game they were playing I'd understand it. In fact if DS was excluding him from the games I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! However, that's not what is happening. I'm not at all happy about almost half of his breaks being completely dictated by another child so specifically.

DH thinks it would be "kind" to tell the school we'll agree to 1 lunchtime, but I don't want to agree to any. AIBU to say no completely to any rota?

[commentson]

Jacks11 no one is being forced, they like/want to play with Child A. I was merely pointing out that in some situations a rota system works well.

[Tavannach]

having two children timetabled to spend almost half their breaks each responsible for the socialisation of another child isn't an acceptable solution.

Totally agree. Maybe once a week if the other child has problems socialising but he shouldn't be allowed to fixate on these two boys. It's not teaching him anything about being a team player. It's teaching him if he throws a strop he gets what he wants.

[CadburysTastesVileNow]

Do mention to the teacher that you really like her company , and therefore you expect her to spend half her evenings with you.

[Dieu]

Absolutely no way in hell should this happen. And I say that as someone who works in a school myself. I wouldn't even allow this for my additional needs children, let alone some bratty kid. I don't know what the school are thinking! YADNBU.

[Dieu]

I would have thought that there is definitely something amiss with this child however, given the strength of his reactions. It's not normal behaviour for someone gearing up to high school.

[GreenTulips]

Does his mother know how much her behaviour and treatment of her own child is impacting his friendships? Does she understand the difficulties she’s created in this child?
Some parents!

Have you spoken to her about this situation? I’d be in the phone explaining it’s not happening!

[YellowFish123]

The whole thing seems like a very strange situation if I'm honest- I certainly wouldn't necessarily be taking your DS's word as gospel. I'd be inclined to let the school decide on issues like this as you simply don't and never will know the full story of what's gone on between your DS and this boy.

[CaptainSquirrel]

I think it sounds like the school is trying to manage what sounds like slightly exclusionary behaviour on the part of your ds and the other boy, together with balancing the needs of the acting out boy who is clearly struggling, for whatever reason, with your son's response to him. Maybe look on it as an opportunity for your son to be kind to someone who is clearly having a hard time. Fwiw I hate the 'football mentality' that can happen with older primary school boys, as it can lead to power play and at times outright nastiness.

[TheSandgroper]

A further point. Boys are best able to behave and learn well having run around well. If your ds is unable to get his proper running around and his class behaviour starts to deteriorate, what management plan does that teacher have in place?

I have been known to tell teachers that I present my child to them daily in a proper state fit to learn and I expected them to keep her that way.

[timeisnotaline]

Don’t worry op yellowfish just likes to upset everyone on a thread by spouting bollocks. Good luck tomorrow.

[lyralalala]

The whole thing seems like a very strange situation if I'm honest- I certainly wouldn't necessarily be taking your DS's word as gospel. I'd be inclined to let the school decide on issues like this as you simply don't and never will know the full story of what's gone on between your DS and this boy.

You actually think that I should just ignore the fact my child is upset and has been ordered to give up half of his breaks to facilitate the wishes of another child?

What kind of parent would that make me?

I know what the school have told me so far when I’ve been called in more than once because DS has been hit or kicked for choosing to play football or rounders or something other than what this child wants.

Having worked in schools for 15 years before my youngest was born your faith in a school that you don’t know is quite strange tbh. Some schools get it very very wrong for some kids. I’m not going to stand by and watch that be the case for my chiof.

[lyralalala]

My child.

[martinidry]

Many are saying that the other boy might have special-needs.
My thoughts are that it doesn't matter how many special-needs this boy might have, it is still not the job of your child to entertain him.
My answer to the school would be an absolute no. It would not happen because I wouldn't allow it.

[Walkingdeadfangirl]

I think the fact your DC is losing some play time is secondary. The real worry is that they are expecting your DC to 'parent' a child with serious problems/SEN.
Just imagine how this would play out if they both go to the same secondary!

[lyralalala]

I think it sounds like the school is trying to manage what sounds like slightly exclusionary behaviour on the part of your ds and the other boy, together with balancing the needs of the acting out boy who is clearly struggling, for whatever reason, with your son's response to him. Maybe look on it as an opportunity for your son to be kind to someone who is clearly having a hard time. Fwiw I hate the 'football mentality' that can happen with older primary school boys, as it can lead to power play and at times outright nastiness.

What’s exclusionary about choosing each day what they want to do?

Like I said earlier DS and the other boy don’t play together every day. They do atm as they are all involved in the excitement around the school football team, but that’s only the last few weeks and this issue has been ongoing. However, the second rounders or Shark Attack are the other run about game DS is there and football is forgotten. He doesn’t choose his activity based on who is playing he chooses on what he wants to do. And he does sometimes play the board games with the boy, but he prefers to run around.

I don’t mind teaching him to be kind, but giving up half of his breaks for someone who at no point is expected to do the same is beyond kindness.

Tbh at their school it’s a good mix of boys and girls who play football so it’s not too bad for that dynamic.

[martinidry]

Are you drunk, Yellowfish?

[CaptainSquirrel]

There's a dynamic going on though, that's obviously upsetting this child. Whether he's got the wrong end of the stick or not, for whatever reason, he feels that he's being treated unkindly. Very often playground disputes can be presented by children, to adults, as them 'just playing what they want to play' when there's more than that going on - we all know that. It sounds like the school has noticed and is trying to paper over the cracks without apportioning blame.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

@CaptainSquirrel why is any of what you've said the OPs sons problem?
Spoilt kids own behaviour isn't making him any friends. Her DS being forced to be a doormat will only hinder her DS.

[clairemcnam]

What is the "football mentality"?

[IncrediblySadToo]

Make your ‘word’ tomorrow a very clear this will NOT be happening

There have been other threads in the past where children have been ‘asked’ to do this kind of thing, it’s not on. It’s laziness on the school’s behalf, it’s ridiculous.

[Catmint]

I'd be inclined to point out the unintended consequences of what the plan is doing to undermine their own support to this boy to become a 'team player', as they've told your DS that that is what is important.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

I'd tell your DS to steer clear of this boy. To do exactly what he wants at his break times and that he should never feel any obligation to entertain this child.
Then go into the school and tell them that not only will your son not be doing their ridiculous rota but if this child is allowed to assault yours again you will be escalating the situation immediately.

[CaptainSquirrel]

Contraception, I'm just exploring the idea that there are several people in this situation, one of whom is the OP's son, all of whom the school are trying to manage.

Just as a thought as well, and this totally doesn't apply to you OP because you've been very measured, I don't think it's helpful at all to talk about a child using words like 'brat: and 'spoilt' and other hostile terms.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

There isn't anything to manage that involves the OPs son.
The school needs to manage this aggressive entitled child who has assaulted the OPs son.

None of the plans should involve her son. Expect to start agile on how to keep him safe from this boy.

[lyralalala]

@captainsquirrel In many ways the only exclusionary one here is the boy. He’s the one that singles out one specific child each day and demands their attention. None of the other children in the queue waiting to play are good enough. He throws a fit if it’s suggested he plays with one of them.

Even when DS or the other boy play with him he doesn’t want one game, or even one day. He’s exactly the same the at the next break or the next day.

The school are trying to solve a problem that takes up a lot of their time in the easiest way possible for them.