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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m ripping him off

284 replies

EmmaG78x · 21/03/2019 20:54

Hi, big disagreement with DH about the proportion in ownership of our house.

When we met I’d just bought a house but We moved in together and joined finances shortly afterwards. Everything was split equally including the mortgage but this was much cheaper than if he was renting. 8 years later we used the profit from the house as a 20% deposit for a house. Noting else was used as a deposit so we split ownership 75:25 in my favour.

Now, 5 years later and we are about to change mortgage providers. DH has mentioned we should now move to 70:30in my favour and continue until it’s 50:50 in another 20 years.

I want it to remain 75:25 forever as the deposit was from selling my house and he earns a lot more than me so me and the kids will need more if he leaves me.

He argues we’ve had joint finances the whole time and he earns a lot more than me. (about 50% more until I went part time once DS1 was born so now about double)

AIBU to keep things the way they are?

OP posts:
chillpizza · 23/03/2019 15:28

Unless they actually split his not being ripped off though is he? Currently happily together they own a house together as a married couple it makes not a bit of difference who owns what untill you separate so his just looking at his interests for the future of leaving.

JoinedTheDarksideForKylo · 23/03/2019 15:33

Couldn't you go 50:50 but also have it contracted that incase of a separation you also get your original deposit out of his half?

GeeksCanBeMumsToo · 23/03/2019 17:28

I think it’s irrelevant if you’re staying married. If you decide to get divorced, surely all that would be re-evaluated then. I’d be hurt if I were your husband—you don’t sound committed even though you’ve got kids Sad

unababy · 23/03/2019 17:34

When DH and I bought our first home the deposit came from the sale of my house - same as OP. It never occurred to me to have anything other than 50:50 ownership, as far as I am concerned we are in it for the long haul and what's yours is mine etc. But each to their own I suppose.

Dilligaf81 · 23/03/2019 17:35

Hmm I can see both sides. You have substantially decreased your earning ability by going past time to look after your child. He benefits from that, he earns more so you benefit from that. By all means protect your original deposit but I'm all for 50/50 in a marriage as I believe it should be a partnership.

Dilligaf81 · 23/03/2019 17:36

Part time not post time.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 23/03/2019 17:55

If he paid half the mortgage for 8 years then the 75:25 split was quite unfair imo.
How much was the deposit you put down on your first house the one you bought on your own?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2019 17:59

Doesn’t look as if the op is coming back. The amount ring fenced for her never should have been 200k as that was the equity in her property after circa 8 years of ownership and 8 years of her dh paying half the mortgage. Therefore only the original amount on the property in her name should have been accounted for. Now that would have very likely been a negligible amount if we consider contribution from earnings.

Wow just wow to think for the rest of your life you could own almost an entire property probably worth a million af least with the original deposit of probably no more than 40k.

dustyparadeground · 23/03/2019 18:05

YABU. Needs to be 50/50 now. Maybe you should have a big treat (that you both agree on)
Nice little sports car springs to mind. Or fuck off ring.

SandyY2K · 23/03/2019 18:10

@EmmaG78x

Get your deposit back, then it should be an even split.

I know a house is considered a marital asset, however I think it would much fairer to ringfence the equity in the property before you get married (if one person owned it on their own), then split it equally in the event of a divorce.

Some people leave a marriage with way more than they could ever have dreamed of, had they remained single and whilst the argument might be " I was a SAHP and enabled DH/DW to climb the career ladder" ... the truth is many of those SAHP, do not and would never have been able to earn much money (even without children) because they have limited skills, qualifications or ability to earn more.

BlueJava · 23/03/2019 18:13

Marriage/long term partnerships are not just financial transactions - to me they are much more than that. I learn a lot more than DH, I put more into the joint account out of which we pay bills. Everything is 50/50 joint owned though. I may contribute more financially but he does lots of childcare and we are a team, I can't think of any reason why I'd want more out of a sale than him. I think YABU.

Bugbabe1970 · 23/03/2019 18:26

At most I think you should have your deposit back then 50/50
My husband paid the deposit on our house. If we ever split it would be 50/50 but that’s just is

Elsie1966 · 23/03/2019 18:43

Op what would you think if shoe were on other foot? I think yabu and 50/50 is as it should be in a marriage

Greensmurf1 · 23/03/2019 18:55

Speak to a financial advisor.

My husband earns much more than me but because we are married, My financial advisor says I am entitled to benefit from some of his pension even if we were to divorce. That suggests that you both will be benefitting from your husband’s higher income even after you both stop working. It also suggests you may also be 50/50 home owners from a financial law perspective.

I understand wanting to preserve some financial independence and security regardless of your marital status and joint bank account, especially since you sold your own, independently held assets to jointly benefit from your current home and as a part time worker/primary carer for my child, I have had similar concerns. It may be uncomfortable for you to notice the imbalance of incomes and feel you don’t have the same financial leverage as your higher waged husband. It may be uncomfortable for him to not feel like he has an equal share in your joint home even though he is contributing to the household finances. I’d suggest you both reframe the discussion from who’s taking advantage of whom. Recognise that you both feel uncomfortable about your financial status with regards to home ownership and income and where you stand if anything were to change. speak with a financial advisor and make sure you have a mortgage, retirement plan, life insurance policies and a will that will look out for the financial security of DS1 and both of you no matter what happens.

Lweji · 23/03/2019 18:56

I think you should have your deposit back then 50/50

This.

PlatypusPie · 23/03/2019 19:00

I had equity from the sale of my flat when we bought our house - I was putting nearly 40% in as a deposit, and contributing more into the joint account which paid the mortgage as I was by far the higher earner. My then fiancé had been renting and had no capital ( worthy yet underpaid job then) The solicitor at the time raised the question of whether I wanted to ring fence my contribution, at least until we were married ( was happening 2 months later) but I thought that would be the wrong stance to take as we were about to commit to a partnership,

I then later had periods of being a SAHM then part time, my DH changed career and earned a lot more and paid the mortgage. I always felt we made an equal contribution to our home and our greatest asset over the years - just not at the same time and in the same way.

We’ve had our rocky moments - even looked the financials of a split clearly in the eye - but even then I didn’t regret making it 50/50 from the start - anything else would have been a weird power dynamic.

Missingstreetlife · 23/03/2019 19:00

No wonder people make so much fuss splitting a bill. The number of people on here who can't see that her deposit doesn't stay the same amount, it is a share of the total value. Basic basic maths. They had an agreement now he wants to change it. Tough.
If they split and it goes to court she'll get her share back plus half the rest. Too late being bitter when he's run off with your dosh, and still has more earning power cos you've got the kid to look after in your home.

BeerandBiscuits · 23/03/2019 19:07

Doesn’t look as if the op is coming back.

Are OPs supposed to keep coming back until the thread fizzles out?
Or perhaps you missed her post on p2, she said thanks for replies and will now reconsider.

ItsASunnyDay · 23/03/2019 19:16

Wow. YABU! My DP and I are not married, but we have a declaration of trust where if we split up and sell that he gets what he put in and I get what I put in and then the rest is 50/50, even though I've not continuously contributed 50% due to mat leave etc!

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 23/03/2019 19:31

75:25 was unfair from day one. The split should have been 60:40. If you put 20% deposit then 80% is split 50:50 ie 60:40. By now with him paying the lion's share I would accept 50:50 as fair. He's being extremely generous by suggesting 70:30

StrippingTheVelvet · 23/03/2019 19:33

I'd see your point maybe if you weren't paying in less each month. In time, what he has put in will outstrip you... When that happens do you think him getting more would be fair or will you expect 50/50?

sighrollseyes · 23/03/2019 19:39

You can have a legal agreement put in place that if you split up you could get your deposit back.

winniestone37 · 23/03/2019 19:50

Wow, can you imagine if it was the other way round? You're behaviour is pretty greedy and weird. No judge is going to give you that proportion if you break up. It's 50:50 if you break up. What a lovely way to think...

Aridane · 23/03/2019 20:14

your DH earns significantly more than you I would be looking at how he can increase your pension provision. That way I think you would feel less insecure about your 'share' of the home

Yup - DP to have minimal share in the property he pays the mortgage for and also to boost OP's pension

PurplePenguins · 23/03/2019 20:42

You paid 75% of the deposit but he is putting in 66% into the family pot. So I would say your pretty much 50:50 already.