Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you had a longterm first love, do you still think about them?

103 replies

blunderbutter · 21/03/2019 15:20

My first love really shaped my life and has influenced everything I do and in many ways the way I think. It was a 4 year relationship and very intense at times. We met when I was 16 and split when I was 20.

I am happily married now and I haven't seen him in over 20 years but I do think about him every day, even if it is just a passing thought. I think the intensity of first love means they are unforgettable in a way that subsequent relationships often aren't.

If you had a long first relationship do you still think about them more than subsequent relationships?

OP posts:
CynsterBitch · 21/03/2019 16:26

I definitely think about mine, he was so different from my husband, and the life we had planned out together was very different from my life now.
He died in a tragic accident just 30 years old, we’d Been over for about 10 years at that point but i was still devestated and so sad for his family, his daughter and his fiancee who he was only months away from marrying.
I just feel really sad when I think of him now

CaptainCallisto · 21/03/2019 16:27

I do, probably every few weeks; usually when I'm having an "I'm worthless and I hate myself" moment.

16 year old me was head over heels, we were together just over two years, and it never occurred to me that what we had wasn't a healthy relationship. It was only afterwards that I realised it was abusive. He'd spent two years gaslighting me, manipulating me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with, and systematically destroying my self esteem.

It took six years for me to even think about going out with anyone else, and in spite of DH doing his best to build me up and make me see myself again, I still hear that first guy's voice in my head. Sadly it's much easier to believe him than DH Sad

pepinana · 21/03/2019 16:29

I think about him every day. I haven't seen him in twelve years and I'm happily married with a son. He's has no social media accounts and we have no mutual friends so as to where he is and what he's doing no I really don't know.

Chancewouldbeafinethlng · 21/03/2019 16:30

I still think of him but not that often. I have fond memories even though it was quite a problematic relationship. We were both so young and it was so intense.

I think it would be strange to not think about them tbh.

theconstantinoplegardener · 21/03/2019 16:31

Like Atticus, I rarely think about my first love but I often dream about him! I'm happily married to somebody else and have no conscious regrets about not being with my first love, so it mystifies me that he still inhabits my dreams.

MillennialFalcon · 21/03/2019 16:44

I sometimes thought about my first serious boyfriend. Being a naive teenager at the time I did think that we had something really special and would have a future together but obviously he did not feel the same way. To complicate things even more he then contacted me a few years ago to say that he couldn’t stop thinking about me! But we are both married to different people so to me that ship had very much sailed! I did think a bit about what if things had been different but certain things that he said made me think that he was just looking at our past through rose tinted glasses, it is very easy to compare the impulsive and free-spirited nature of a young romance favourably to a long-term relationship with more mature adult responsibilities and practical pressures. I felt like if we had got married instead we would have had the same issues that he was having with his wife. So I made a decision not to talk to him for a while so that we would grow apart and now we are Facebook friends because we have friends and interests in common but we don’t talk much and only casually. It’s best not to dwell on the past and let it get in the way of the present. Past relationships didn’t work out for a reason.

CherryBlossom23 · 21/03/2019 16:55

I'm also somewhat relieved to see this is normal and I'm not a complete weirdo Blush

Member984815 · 21/03/2019 16:58

I married my first love , but the guy I had a brief relationship with before then is still a friend it's 20 years ago we were Young so it wasn't serious ,I met him at Christmas by chance and we talked about us held hands and laughed my husband was with us too and we all had a lovely trip down memory lane he is also married now and it's nice to meet him but I wouldn't think about him too often

Madwithjealousy · 21/03/2019 17:00

He sometimes crosses my mind and I think thank goodness that ended!

StillMedusa · 21/03/2019 17:13

Yes.. and many many years later (we were teens) I tracked him on FB and he's now an overweight smug looking business man living in Dubai on his 3rd wife!

I wish I hadn't looked and kept the memories intact Grin

ButtMuncher · 21/03/2019 17:15

Very occasionally. We were together 3 years (15-18) and were for the most part each other's 'firsts'. That was over 15 years ago now - we stayed friends for a while afterwards but we were such different people there seemed no point. His mum died recently and I expressed how sorry I was as his mum was lovely, but he's now married with a baby and I have a 2.5 year old.

I was always the extroverted, slightly reckless and fickle teenager and he was boringly stable for my 17 year old self. I didn't handle it very well though. He wanted to get married when he turned 18 (I was older, so when we split he was still 17) and was prepared to forgo university in order to get a job and settle down and have kids as soon as we were married. That just didn't appeal to me. Neither of us had children until our 30s after all that!

Seren85 · 21/03/2019 17:15

I married him although we were together 17 to 21 and got back together at 25. Married at 29.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 21/03/2019 17:34

I had two boyfriends in my teens. The spotty one with a pudding bowl haircut is now a silver fox. The handsome one with a curly mop of hair who I really fell for has turned into a bald, florid-complexioned gentleman.

I think about both of them but in recent times have only been in contact with the former.

Call me shallow! (Actually the silver fox turned out to be the kind one.)

Zofloramummy · 21/03/2019 17:41

I thought about mine, we were together from 16-22. Then I ran into him in Tesco 20 years later!
Our kids are good friends as they now go to the same brownies 😮.
We are not living in the same town we grew up in so it’s rather funny!
We are also really good friends now and he has matured into a lovely kind man. We are both single and dating. I’m hopeful it’ll work out this time but it’s only early days and haven’t involved the kids at all. Even if it doesn’t work out romantically I doubt we will lose our friendship.

stevie69 · 21/03/2019 17:43

I still see him at least three times a week, despite us having been separated for 10 years Smile

Fluffyears · 21/03/2019 18:36

He was appalling to me and broke my heart and soul but I barely think about him now. We were together for 3 years. He would split up with me then reel me back in. Chest constantly and not care if I knew, played with my head and heart so much. When it was good it was amazing but it was bad 90% ofvthe tome as he was just desperate to sleep around and didn’t know what he wanted,

gokartdillydilly · 21/03/2019 18:41

I'm happily married with the current love of my life, but still often think and dream of my first. I was 17, he was 18. He was beautiful, charming, stylish, rich, sexy, funny and kind. He said he loved me then he kept me dangling with an on/off relationship for years. I was too silly and lovelorn to get a grip. Then he buggered off and I never heard from him again. I was heartbroken and looking for him for years. I 'saw' him in strange places, but it wasn't really him.

Scroll forward 25 years. The phone rings, and it's him. Wanting to hook up. He's seen my mother's obituary in the local paper and found my number through my brother.

I tell him it's too late and inappropriate. I am married with one child and 7 months pregnant with another. He wants to meet. Too explain his behaviour! Twenty fucking five years later!

So now I'm wondering 'what if'? I've looked him up on FB and he's single with grown up children. But I have not contacted him. He friend requested me recently but I just don't trust myself to not get involved.

I love my husband to bits and I would never jeopardise my happy family life. But I think or dream about him all the time. I feel guilty! He has invaded my brain and I don't want it. What can I do to erase his memory and move on?

Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2019 18:43

Used to, then met him again when i was 30, shagged him and realised his penis stopped growing at 14 and haven't thought of him since until now.

MargotLovedTom1 · 21/03/2019 18:46

I don't think about him but I do dream about him now and then. It's been nearly 20 years since I saw him so it's quite disconcerting!

HexagonalBattenburg · 21/03/2019 18:48

I'm still in touch with him on social media - in a general bemusement at the state of the world/horror at the Brexit debacle/taking the piss out of our old housemate type level.

The romantic road never features in my mind but I'm glad the friendship aspect got rekindled as I did miss him as a friend for the years we weren't in touch (I have a fair track record of managing to remain genuinely friendly with exes though).

applesarerroundandshiny · 21/03/2019 18:50

Isn't it strange how some of us have dreams about a relationship we had so long ago but no longer still see the person and don't think of them consciously. I've often wondered what this means!

cleanhousewastedlife · 21/03/2019 19:00

Rarely actively think about him, but dream about him several times a year. I think it's inevitable when the emotions surrounding so many 'firsts' can feel so overwhelming.

HailEdmundLordofAddersBlack · 21/03/2019 19:04

Yes probably once a month. We were together from age 15-18 and it was a very tempestuous relationship! Lots of drama! I adored him though. He totally broke my heart and cheated on me and ditched me...more than once. He completely changed how I viewed men for years. My husband is nothing like him.

He got in touch to apologise when we reached our early 20s...then was an arsehole when I bumped into him on a night out. Haven't seen him for at least 14years now and if I did I would definitely duck out of the way and avoid him!

DrCoconut · 21/03/2019 19:10

Mine was lovely. It was while I was at college and only lasted one summer, ending when I went to uni 😢. I think it's a combination of being young and carefree, in love, hot weather etc but 1995 and my time with C just has a special place in my memories and always will. I have not seen him since but recently came across a picture on Facebook. He has aged seriously. Not his fault, we all have.

Arowana · 21/03/2019 19:12

I was with my first love from age 15 to 18. He was a lovely boy and I'm happy that my first experience of love, sex etc was a positive one. We kept in contact for a few years after we split up, but eventually lost touch because his girlfriend was jealous of me Confused

I do think about him sometimes but not often. Half a dozen times a year, at a guess.