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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don’t want to see your parent you don’t ask for money off them

65 replies

SapphireBattersea · 20/03/2019 21:38

So my husband has a 22 year old daughter fro his first marriage who he hasn’t seen for ten years (her choice. Very Long story).
This doesn’t stop her messaging him every so often and asking for stuff despite not wanting to see him.

He’s given her loads. Until she was 18 Fully supported her mum child support wise plus £100 a month pocket money and anything else she needed. Just before Christmas we gave her £2000 towards a house deposit

She had a car for her 18th from us plus no end of other money and for all her Christmas and birthdays etc.

Now she has written her car off and is asking for some money towards another one

Am I being a bitch or Is she taking the fuckin piss or what ???!! Personally if I was estranged from my parents for whatever reason that would also extend to not asking for or accepting money / gifts 😡

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 20/03/2019 21:40

Well yeah, but what's your husbands take on it?
She's his daughter, it's up to him.

If he doesn't want to throw money at her at her age he certainly doesn't have to.

Original poster
SapphireBattersea · 20/03/2019 21:43

It’s up to him and we can afford it

I just think it’s a bit of a fuckin Liberty

OP posts:
Original poster
SapphireBattersea · 20/03/2019 21:44

And so does he but I think he still holds out hope she’ll see him again 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Hanab · 20/03/2019 21:44

He needs to learn to say no ...

She is now an adult and he can give her to a certain extent .. but she needs to know the pockets are not bottomless and must be more responsible ..

Your OH could also lend her but not give her the money ... a written signed contract should be made ..

edwinbear · 20/03/2019 21:48

I’m NC with my mum and hell would freeze over before I asked her for anything. YANBU.

Samind · 20/03/2019 22:22

I would definitely say not this time. Your poor DH is obviously thinking that eventually shell want to meet up again. I doubt that will happen even if he were to spend millions. It's very cruel and selfish what she's doing.

Skittlesandbeer · 20/03/2019 22:35

Of course she’s taking the piss. Big time. I’d address this with DP by saying that he’s not doing his job of teaching her financial responsibility. Since it’s the only avenue of communication he has with her, he has to use it for ‘teachable moments’.

The only thing he’s teaching her to do is wish for his early death in the hopes of inheriting.

Buy him ‘The Barefoot Investor for families’ by Scott Pape. It’ll show him how enabling her is not helping her. It’s the opposite, and it’s likely to fuck up other relationships she has.

CloudyTuesday · 20/03/2019 22:53

" Personally if I was estranged from my parents for whatever reason that would also extend to not asking for or accepting money / gifts."

I think it depends on the reason for the estrangement, any promises that your dh has made etc

Hereiamitsme · 20/03/2019 23:02

To offer some percepective from the other side, my niece and nephew’s father was very absent for much of their lives and then dramatically divorced their mother, who had always been the one there for them anyway, when they were adults.
They have had different reactions. The son hardly speaks to his dad (but isn’t nc) and doesn’t accept anything from him. Has a lot of resentment about the treatment of his mother.
The daughter had it all out with her dad, is a lot more open about her feelings and anger. She also hasn’t seen him in person for about 3 years but talks to him occasionally (catches up I suppose) and accepts handouts and feels she’s entitled to them as if he’d stayed part of the nuclear family she would have “had” so much more (she means both financial and emotional security). Perhaps your step dd feels entitled like this?

Gomyownway · 20/03/2019 23:02

He hasn’t seen her for 10 years? So since she was 12? What??

sue51 · 20/03/2019 23:03

What caused the estrangement?. Could it be she feels owed for hurt feelings? If there's nothing solid causing it, she's definitely taking the piss.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/03/2019 23:17

No, I think it’s time to stand on her own feet. Even if child was in contact, at 22 they should stop asking for handouts. For your DHs side, Money doesn’t make up for loss of relationship and is only a tool to keep punishing him.

I’m NC with my mother and would not ask for or accept anything

DoJo · 21/03/2019 00:53

Does she feel as though his financial involvement doesn't really compare to being the father she thought he should have been? If she feels wronged by him, then maybe she feels he 'owes' her - after all, 12 is quite young to decide to have no contact so there must be more to the story.

Original poster
SapphireBattersea · 21/03/2019 06:27

I know no one will believe me but he hasn’t done anything wrong to her. I wouldn’t be with him and have my own dc with him if he was some sort of shit dad / person

It’s totally her choice, she has refused to see any of his family either ie her granny (his mum) uncles aunties just cut them all off around the same time

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2019 06:34

At 12 years old she cut the entire fathers side off? With no Reason? Hmm

Shamoogren · 21/03/2019 06:35

This reply has been deleted

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edgeofheaven · 21/03/2019 06:37

How does she ask for and receive money? She's obviously not NC.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 21/03/2019 06:37

How old was she when her parents separated? Is it due to the way he has treated her mum?

Appril · 21/03/2019 07:02

Surely at 12 she wouldn't cut off half her family for no reason? There's got to be more to it. Maybe I'm letting my personal experience get in the way of my judgement but my dad is a totally different person around his partner and her family. You wouldn't think it's the same man to the one I know.

I do think she's getting way too much though and definitely pushing her luck. If he doesn't want to give her anything he doesn't have to

Tixywixy · 21/03/2019 07:04

Has the mum turned her against him and told her that he's ruined their lives and should get everything she can from him? If so, she's done her a massive disservice. Irrespective of the life she might have had if he'd stayed, it would be far better for her to have a father than just a father's handouts. YANBU and a line needs to be put in the sand otherwise she will just see him as a cashpoint and not a parent.

memorial · 21/03/2019 07:28

I can only imagine what my XH says about our 17 yr old DD. She has decided NC with him despite the fact he doesn't really bother with her. He has over the years very subtly emotionally abused her like he did to me. And she's had enough. She does feel the only thing he ever offered was money and things but always a with strings. I would like to hope I would still be helping my 22 yr old. You sound charming. Poor child. I wonder when you think your own DC will have had enough support from their father.

mulberryapples · 21/03/2019 07:29

I felt I was ‘owed’ something when my dad abandoned us.

As an adult I realise I was UR, but ...

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/03/2019 07:33

How about him suggesting he meets up with her to look at cars? What would she say then?

Original poster
SapphireBattersea · 21/03/2019 08:01

He often asks to meet up but she doesn’t want to. It is her choice.

I’m not going to sit and defend H to people who have absolutely no idea of the true situation. Just filling in the blanks and making assumptions perhaps based on their own experience. Suffice to say We’ve been together 12 years and he is a fantastic father and husband. He has always been available to his daughter made it clear he wanted to see her even when she stopped wanting to see him. and supported her and her mum financially from day one and ever since they split up about 15 years ago.

Like I say he can keep giving her money til the cows come home. I just find it a piss take that someone who doesn’t want anything to do with him merrily asks for regular handouts 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
zingally · 21/03/2019 08:02

You say it's a long story... I bet it is! He hasn't seen her since... what? Her early teens? Even though the NC was supposedly her idea, I suspect your husband carries a lot of guilt about it. She was, after all, still a child. How hard did he push back at the time, to maintain contact? What caused the NC in the first place? That seems like a huge decision for a 12 year old to have made independently? Does your DH want to see her now? Has he asked? What do you AND DH want from the daughter? Is the few hundred quid here and there the cost of keeping her off your back, or the cost of maintaining some semblance of a relationship?

Like Judge Judy on ITV says, "Our children never stop being our children. They'll sponge off us their entire lives! It's their job to!" You say you can afford to support her a bit, then do it. My grandparents helped out with my first car when I was 23, then my parents helped out with the next one, when I wrote it off when I was about 27/28. Even now, my mum slips me 20 quid for petrol whenever I go and visit her!

Personally, I'd be passing all the emotional work around this back to your DH. She's his daughter. If he wants to give her some money, fair dos, but you don't want or need to be involved in the long, drawn-out thought process.

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