To think if you don’t want to see your parent you don’t ask for money off them

[SapphireBattersea]

So my husband has a 22 year old daughter fro his first marriage who he hasn’t seen for ten years (her choice. Very Long story).
This doesn’t stop her messaging him every so often and asking for stuff despite not wanting to see him.

He’s given her loads. Until she was 18 Fully supported her mum child support wise plus £100 a month pocket money and anything else she needed. Just before Christmas we gave her £2000 towards a house deposit

She had a car for her 18th from us plus no end of other money and for all her Christmas and birthdays etc.

Now she has written her car off and is asking for some money towards another one

Am I being a bitch or Is she taking the fuckin piss or what ???!! Personally if I was estranged from my parents for whatever reason that would also extend to not asking for or accepting money / gifts 😡

She's his daughter not someone
I wonder if you'd feel the same if it was your daughter

I'm NC with my parents and I agree with a PP that hell would freeze over before I ask them for anything. She's taking the piss but then she's got no reason to stop if your DH keeps giving to her.

It must be so hard for DH having not seen her for so long but ploughing money at her isn't going to improve the relationship.

Just to add, my parents always used to use the whole "oh but we gave you money for this, we bought you xyz so why are you now acting like we don't care" and it's because relationships are so much more than about money. I'm not saying your DH is wrong in how he's been with her to cause NC, I'm not sure that's really relevant here. But whatever happened, money isn't going to suddenly fix it for her or for him

Even if she was seeing her dad he shouldnt be supporting her financially at 22 that’s deffo on her. She works etc. At 22 I’d lived alone four years and worked ft for same time and I would have rather died than ask my parents for money.

Sapphire I don't think it's fair to hold a 12 year old to account for going NC - you have zero idea what the home situation was, even if it was a very amicable split she may very understandably have felt abandoned. You are clearly very angry about this, and as she is not your DD and you obviously haven't had a hand in raising her i think you need to excuse yourself from this one. The way you talk about her isn't pleasant at all. A relationship will never form if you are so constantly critical of her - how on earth do you think this is going to work?! That you are going to bully her with your disapproval to accepting your husband? If I was you I would lightly suggest to your husband that he doesn't give her any money for the car but instead helps her come up with a plan to save for one and then I would drop it - for good.

Maybe she feels he owes her something because of whatever reason they're not talking.
My DPs father is an absolute shit and he sent him some money in a birthday card once and he sent it back. Tbh I would have kept it it's the least he could do for all the shit he's done. Not saying this is the case but his new wife thinks the sun shines out if his arse. She hasn't seen the scars and she'll never know what actually happened though.

I stopped seeing my dad at age 11 because he treated my mum like shit. I'm sure that wasn't the story he gave to his subsequent partners though. If you weren't there then you don't know the full story, you only know what your partner tells you.

I'm NC with my dad completely though, don't even know where he is. I wouldn't want a penny from him nor his parents who are quite well off.

I wouldn't want, accept and especially not ask for money from someone (whoever) I was estranged from. I would not offer or give in to requests for money either.

I have a similar situation with my dp whose 4 adult kids are weekly asking for money/bills to be paid.

I wouldn’t give in to them, my dp finds it hard to say no. When it comes to his birthday they all chose to ignore him. It makes my blood boil - inconsiderate fuckers.

She's an adult and taking the piss. Doesn't want to see her Dad but happy to spend his money, she sounds like an entitled brat.

Meant to also say that I bet if he cuts her off financially she may suddenly turn up wanting to see him.

Well, we've only got half of one side of the story here, and there's any amount of holes in the bit we've got. You sound very aggressive and angry, I'd be avoiding contact too!

Sapphire I don't think it's fair to hold a 12 year old to account for going NC - you have zero idea what the home situation was, even if it was a very amicable split she may very understandably have felt abandoned.

Well seeing as Sapphire says this: We’ve been together 12 years and he is a fantastic father and husband. He has always been available to his daughter made it clear he wanted to see her even when she stopped wanting to see him. and supported her and her mum financially from day one and ever since they split up about 15 years ago.

I suspect she knows very well why the Ddaughter is low contact with her dad.

Easy to say it is the choice of a 12 year old to go no contact. Normally it is the father is crap, the mother is telling the daughter to not see her dad or something to do with the new replacement family.

So she hasn't lived with him from the age of 9.
She hasn't seen him since the age of 12 when she suddenly cut contact.

... I mean, even if it's been her mum pouring venom in her ears, it happened during some fundamentally formative years. You can say she's an adult and should make her own choices, but that's a pretty poor foundation to work from - if that is the case.

Sorry, but I don't be default believe you that your husband 'did nothing wrong'. He could be the best person in the world with you, doesn't change how he might have been with other people (see Johnny Depp - stable enough with Vanessa Paradis, clearly volatile and unstable with other partners). It's so classic it's practically a trope.

The only evidence we have from you is that his daughter has a messed up realtionship with him. It could mean she is awful, but could just as easily mean he was.

How long have you been with your husband?

You are judging her actions but haven’t heard her side of the story.

Lots of adults receive financial support from parents.

As it’s not affecting your family finances THAT much and you can afford it, IMO it’s up to your H.

Other than any financial concerns, and emotionally supporting your H, I don’t think it’s your business. Presumably you have no relationship at all with his DD.

In fairness, the child support and pocket money are no more than he should give tbh so don't count as examples of generosity per se.

A car for 18th is kind, but again, not unusual. Likewise help for a deposit. Coming back for another may be taking the pee a little.

But 12 year olds don't disown their dads for no reason. They just don't.

Did he not go to court?

He’s given her loads. Until she was 18 Fully supported her mum child support wise plus £100 a month pocket money and anything else she needed. Just before Christmas we gave her £2000 towards a house deposit

Um well done him paying legally required child support?

If i were her i wouldnt ask for money now, no. But hes hardly fucking special for paying till she was 18. The fact that you think its worth mentioning makes people question your version of him being an excellent dad.

Children on the whole put up with A LOT from abusive parents. They dont shut someone out for no reason at 12

Sapphire, with due respect , you only know what he’s told you. I assure you, there’s more to it
He’s not going to tell you all the gory details as you probably wouldn’t have married him.
His daughter is being a CF, but you really don’t know what went on because it is unlikely that you have heard the side of the daughter

This thread s amazing. OP -who actually knows the circumstances- says that her DH is not to blame, but every other comment assumes he is, and therefore it's ok for him to used as an internet bank.

And who on earth writes their car off, and then goes asking for cash for a replacement. If it was only insured third party, her loss.

Tbf on the dad she may well love him and be avoiding the OP.

Hereward- Op does not have contact with her dh’s daughter, so she may not really know what really went on. It’s as simple as that
Paying child support and £100 pocket money does not make you a ‘father’ i

his thread s amazing. OP -who actually knows the circumstances- says that her DH is not to blame, but every other comment assumes he is, and therefore it's ok for him to used as an internet bank
Maybe it's because we know children?

Do you know why it is so hard to know if a child is being abused?

Its bevause they wont tell you. They dont want to leave their parents.

They wait by the door for absentee fathers whp only show half the time.

Make excuses for shit parents.

Its very difficult for an adult to leave a toxic relationship but it's nearly impossible for children.

Op does not have contact with her dh’s daughter, so she may not really know what really went on. It’s as simple as that

I think her twelve years with him probably gives her pretty good idea of how he has behaved since his daughter was 10.

Presuming thecar was insured, can she buy a new car with the insurance money.

At 22, she should start becoming independent.