To wonder why I bother😕

[user1498912461]

DM’s birthday today. I invited my mum, dad and siblings etc up for a mini tea party to celebrate. Made a large spread of food and bought lots of thoughtful gifts. DM proceeds to open the gifts and DS (6) asks if she can pass her presents around for everyone to open one each. I said to ds that it’s Granny’s birthday and she should really open her own presents and maybe he could help her. He asked her again and she said “that’s for your mother to decide”. I told him to “help” her open them and he ran off a into another room refusing to come back. Granny then refused to open them as he wouldn’t come back and watch her and stuffed the gift bag into a career bag to take home. She then loudly stated that he’d spoiled everything and that there’s no way I or my siblings would have behaved this way. I said that he’s only 6 and that sometimes children act silly and that she needs to lower her expectations. She sat there for the rest of her “party” with a face like thunder, even when we brought the cake out and sung happy birthday! Ds refused to sing and she spent the whole time looking at ds “not singing”. She left with her unopened gifts and stated that she’ll “remember this birthday for a long time to come”. Didn’t say goodbye to ds and the kitchen is now a bomb site that I have to 🧼 clean. Wondering why I bothered and thinking the whole thing was a disaster! 😔

Even my almost three year old knows about birthday and wouldnt behave like your ds. At 6 he certainly shouldnt behave like that. My neice and nephew don't. However you dm behaved badly too. Both badly behaved.

It is most likely a case of where the parent is not expecting the child to grow up or parent not realising the expectations they need to have of the child should have changed between 3-7yo. But i can see if the child is generally immature and tantrums you end up treating them as a younger child. Which may be involving them so they dont have a tantrum.
I can see that is what happened here mum thinks he will kick off so appeases to keep the day ok but everyone knows it's not really ok to expect someone to share the opening of their presents with such an old child. But that then means you have to deal with the tantrum you will get.
Prepping him for the expectations for parties/birthdays might help.
Im not sure what i would do if the child still couldnt cope. Maybe get them to bring in a toy to show nan. Play a game together etc.
But op needs to consider why she lets him behave like this. And what happens if she doesnt. And if there are other signs that he is struggling.

Children. Should be seen and not heard, right? And God forbid they display behaviour characteristic of their development phase

But this isn't developmentally appropriate for a 6 year old (or 7.5 year old).

A 2 or 3 year old, fine.

"I suggested that DS help DM open the gifts as a way of pleasing both of them"

It didn't please the son though did it as he pissed off when he couldn't get exactly his own way.

Are you sure your mum didn't just pack the presents up to open in peace later?

They should be shamed right of that habit as it is highly inconvenient for the adults present. Absolutely not storing up emotional issues for the future at all!

Neither of my DSs would have behaved like that at the age of 6. And none of the DCs of my friends. I occasionally saw such behaviour in the classoom but those DCs usually had issues. The average 6 year old knows such behaviour s NOT ok. Don't try to pretend otherwise. That's just daft.

How has he reached the age of 6 and not learnt that presents are opened by the person they're given to and not 'pass the parcel'?
Teach your DS to stop thinking he's the centre of the universe.
If you'd dealt with his grabbiness immediately there would have been no scene or strop from MIL. He should've been ignored and the focus put back on MIL. She's probably witnessed far too much spoilt brat behaviour from your DS and expected that at least on her birthday you'd rein him in.

pyong how about "I want my own way and I will throw a strop because I'm not emotionally mature enough yet to deal with not getting it"? They all grow up at different rates

Stored up emotional issues my arse. You deal with poor behaviour appropriately when it occurs. I have 3 grown up DC as well as two younger ones, no stored up issues whatsoever. Children are happier when they know how they should behave, yes they will push boundaries sometimes but they need to be shown what's right. The op is setting her DC up to have a very poor relationship with the wider family which is very sad for him. Some parents need to get their head out of their arse and realize that allowing their DC to behave badly impacts on other people too. This child is already being left out of invites, it's very sad for him.

readysteadygoat they do grow up at different rates but the dm really should be old enough now not to throw a strop.

None of mine at 6 would have done what your son did, and if they ran out of the room (which I cannot imagine occurring), they would have been hauled back in to sit down quietly. Then again, my mother had no issues disciplining my children.

Your mother acted poorly as well, but I wonder if she was reacting to a pattern of behaviour?

At 6 he is plenty old enough to understand that it is not his birthday nor his presents. The fact that he doesn't strongly suggests he is over indulged and a bit spoilt. Does he open your and your DHs presents on your birthdays? If he had a sibling, would you allow him to open theirs?

So the bratty behaviour is YOUR fault, not his - if he hasn't learned that presents are always his, you have failed him.

Your mothers behaviour is also ridiculous, but one does wonder if this is due to a bigger picture of spoiled behaviour - so maybe a last straw for her?

Your excusing his behaviour with him being a kid and him parroting that phrase "he's only a child" suggests it's something you say a lot.... something to think about?

As for the you having to clear the mess up? How much mess can an elderly womans birthday "party" make - how is the kitchen a bomb site? If it's your mess - then why complain - if others have made an excessive mess, then ask them to clear up.

All in all, all of you sound rather immature.

People need to read back, he's not 6 possibly nearly 8 and has been excluded from previous family events. OP has been liberal with the truth as proven in previous posts.

Your mum is clearly sick of his behaviour and I’d guess he has form for ruining events. And you do nothing to prevent it. This was her way of telling you both she’s fed up of it.

Best you start to listen.

He sounds like he's going to be an absolute nightmare as he gets older.

Entitled responsibility-shirker.

Better get used to having to make excuses for him...a LOT

This thread... kids can be shitheads, adults should rise above.

Those saying he's just a little boy and has nothing to apologise for...

It actually worries me that there's people like you and you inflict your bad parenting decisions on the rest of us and our children.

I work with children and have a 6 year old. NT 6 year olds don’t generally behave that way. Yes your DM was also being unreasonable, once your DS had stormed off she could have made light of it and carried on opening the gifts and having a nice time, ignoring DS’s behaviour. OP a 6 yr old should know not to behave like this, and you saying ‘maybe you can help open them’ only made it worse.

@Bookworm4 seeing your post I looked back and remembered her others she was commissioning about her six year old's behaviour in 2017! Either the child miraculously doesn't age or he's still the same and she took none of the above given on previous threads about boundaries, expectations, discipline etc.

The q is why would the op think it's ok? Or is the GP unhelpful and sometimes encourages the GC to help?
I think with no backstory it seems odd but it may have developed for a reason.
Sometimes parents are so afraid of their child causing a scene that they pacify them. And when they are little that can work but eventually their demands become bigger.
But on the other hand better to have the tantrums young, with family who would usually be more understanding.
Often though parents end up fitting timings etc around other people food/going out etc when they know it will affect the dc behaviour. Eating lunch late etc. And then have to hear complaints about the behaviour whilst the parent is thinking hmm well if we had eaten at a readonable time etc they wouldnt have snacked and would be hungry.
I think we tend to hype kids up about parties and birthdays. (And then they probably feel a bit let down as actually honestly watching an older person opening their 'boring' presents isnt as much fun as expected.

It sounds like your mother overreacted and was very ungrateful to you, but I wonder if this was a final straw situation. It seems that your son has a really hard time not being the focus of attention, and it may be that he’s upset your mum before with this kind of behaviour.

A couple of things made me raise an eyebrow in your post. First the fact that when your son was being really rude and ruining the party, you tried to appease him instead of giving him short shrift. He should have had a bit of a telling off for behaving that way, but it doesn’t seem like he faced any negative consequences.

The other thing was him saying ‘I’m only a child’ because he’s heard you say it. That isn’t cute - that’s him manipulating you and learning that if he behaves badly you will let him get away with it because he’s a kid. Kids don’t magically flip a switch and know how to behave. They learn to be nice by being taught the rules, and appropriately punished when they refuse to follow them.

I really think you need to get his behaviour in hand, because at 6 he should know better and you want to nip this in the bud before he grows up into an adult who still thinks he can behave how he likes and have excuses made for him.

Still feel sorry for you though that your mum was rude when you had gone to a lot of effort. She could have sucked it up for your sake.

I’d expect that behaviour from a 2 year old, any older than that- no thanks. Not unless they’ve been taught, encouraged, allowed to in the past would or should that behaviour be expected. And yes, you’ve taught him to take absolutely no responsibility for his behaviour ‘I’m only a child’. At some point he will suddenly have to switch it to ‘I’m only an adult...’ and then what?

I see she’s buggered off to hide her head in the sand again

It’s made worse that this child is nearly 8 not 6!!

Would he do this at a friends birthday party?

Or would you buy him something because “he’s only a child”

Don't offer to let him 'help' open some else's presents , that's really weird and tells him he's very important.

Your poor Mum.
She's probably sick of his behaviour and you indulging him.
What 6 year old is taught that they can 'help' open an adult's presents?
'But I'm only a child' 😡Children are not the centre of the universe and he needs to know that.