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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why I bother😕

241 replies

user1498912461 · 20/03/2019 18:14

DM’s birthday today. I invited my mum, dad and siblings etc up for a mini tea party to celebrate. Made a large spread of food and bought lots of thoughtful gifts. DM proceeds to open the gifts and DS (6) asks if she can pass her presents around for everyone to open one each. I said to ds that it’s Granny’s birthday and she should really open her own presents and maybe he could help her. He asked her again and she said “that’s for your mother to decide”. I told him to “help” her open them and he ran off a into another room refusing to come back. Granny then refused to open them as he wouldn’t come back and watch her and stuffed the gift bag into a career bag to take home. She then loudly stated that he’d spoiled everything and that there’s no way I or my siblings would have behaved this way. I said that he’s only 6 and that sometimes children act silly and that she needs to lower her expectations. She sat there for the rest of her “party” with a face like thunder, even when we brought the cake out and sung happy birthday! Ds refused to sing and she spent the whole time looking at ds “not singing”. She left with her unopened gifts and stated that she’ll “remember this birthday for a long time to come”. Didn’t say goodbye to ds and the kitchen is now a bomb site that I have to 🧼 clean. Wondering why I bothered and thinking the whole thing was a disaster! 😔

OP posts:
Helix1244 · 20/03/2019 21:40

I would say of course ds was wrong but OP caused it by previously allowing him to help and in fact suggesting it this time.
But my 6yo ds has only been to about 10-12 parties and very very rarely have the kids opened them at the party. So first kids party was at 4yo. I think only once actually opened at the party. As the trend is not to see what other people bought. I can see if within the family they have been letting him he is confused and acting out because he possibly expected to be able to.
Im not sute it is so much bratty as over emotional. Upset at their expectations dashed. And possibly with the party, too much food and excitement.
My dc would always have a meltdown at parties, the overexcitement, sugar, colourings, running about and lots of kids. Every single party! Tbh i think it was too much as he started yr r then had several just when exhausted from school. (And people would have them on a Sunday so then over tired for the following week).
I think a DMum could have been more understanding. If it had been another child then that would have been even worse ruining a childs birthday (but i expect many get jealous on siblings' birthdays or cousins).
Many parents are a bit crazy and buy for the other sibling.
Some kids epress the jealous and no matter how much you are saying stuff to them they act out.
I just would think a NT child would have realised it is for the present owner to decide who opens.

Sandrose · 20/03/2019 21:41

Not sure if you are still reading these OP? If it was me, I'm not sure I would be - I'm amazed at how judgemental of you and your son so many posters have been. I'm really sorry for your experience. How gutting to put lots of effort into organising a lovely party for your mum, only to have her tell you its been ruined by your DS. I really feel for you.

I think your mum behaved pretty childishly and was rude. Clearly both she and your little boy feel pretty strongly about birthdays!

For children of course birthdays are very exciting - and certainly for my DS they have always aroused strong feelings which over time (with help from adults, not disapproval) he has learned to manage. Other peoples birthdays, family gatherings etc can be hard and sometimes children's feelings lead them to behave in ways which are less than ideal. The answer is not to shout or shame them out of their feelings, but to gently help them to understand what is appropriate and what is not, and help them manage their feelings of excitement. I think your suggestion that your son could help his granny was appropriate. I wonder if your son picked up on some disapproval in your mum's comments about it being up to you to decide and this was what made him flee. I actually don't see what he should be apologising for. I don't think its appropriate to force 6 year olds to watch a present opening or sing happy birthday, or to apologise if they don't want to. His feelings had been hurt. That is not to say you couldn't acknowledge your mum's upset, and over time help your son to understand why his behaviour upset granny.

In my view an emotionally healthy adult ought to be able to share the birthday attention with their young grandchild. Clearly your mum struggles with this, and it felt really important to her that everyone was on their best behaviour for her. Personally I think she is the one with the issue here - which I imagine is deep rooted and based in her own childhood experienced.

When my son was 6 I could have written a post like yours. It has taken me three years of family therapy to recognise what was going on for me, my mum and my son, and work our how to help him develop more healthily. There is a new book by Philippa Perry (this one www.penguin.co.uk/authors/126/126019/philippa-perry.html) which I'm just reading and is a concise introduction to that world, in case you are interested.

From just this one example I don't know whether your son struggles generally a bit with regulating his emotions - as mine did and still does in more subtle ways, but if so, I would really recommend the kind of approach to parenting which that book outlines, rather than the punitive approach most posters seem to be suggesting.

Hersheys · 20/03/2019 21:57

This is the perfect example of spoilt brat. From the outset you should have said no to even helping open presents unless granny asked, they were her gifts. Think you need to call supernanny on your feral child and dreadful parenting op!

Deadringer · 20/03/2019 22:03

My brother has 3 sons. The younger two have never opened their own birthday presents or blown out their candles because pfb is 'sensitive' and has to do it. This is how this sort of stuff starts.

Munchkingoat · 20/03/2019 22:12

*Deadringer

My brother has 3 sons. The younger two have never opened their own birthday presents or blown out their candles because pfb is 'sensitive' and has to do it. This is how this sort of stuff starts*

Wait... You WHAT now??

Bookworm4 · 20/03/2019 22:14

Definitely not 6, this was posted 12/17
user1498912461

6 year old DS has become increasingly naughty lately, doesn't listen at all and answers back on a regular basis. We have tried taking toys away but he has so many that he doesn't care. Plus it becomes a game and he hunts around the house for said toy. Looking for ideas to discipline him? (In a positive, kind way)

Also has posted about not being invited to several family events; probably due to the bratty kid.

LaBelleSauvage · 20/03/2019 22:16

Could that be an older DS? DS1 and this is DS2?

LaBelleSauvage · 20/03/2019 22:17

Agree sounds like v ineffective discipline regardless of age

Dutchesss · 20/03/2019 22:20

When DM said "that's for your mum to decide", that was your cue to stop your son from taking over. You didn't. You made an effort for her birthday but she probably felt like it wasn't for her at all.

Hugtheduggee · 20/03/2019 22:27

By my calculations (I'm that bored!) I make the boy 7 1/2, towards 8 and the younger child (op has elsewhere said she has the two, though they vary in agree, sex etc) 2.5 - 3.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/03/2019 22:33

7 and a half Shock

That can't be right. Maybe it's the younger child to try to anonymise?

LaBelleSauvage · 20/03/2019 22:36

I think at this point.. OP is never coming back

Hugtheduggee · 20/03/2019 23:06

He was 5 in summer 2017, then 6 in september 2017, then by the end of october 2017 was back to being 5. Taking september as a presumed birthday, he'd be 7 1/2. He certainly isn't 6 though.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 23:22

At my DS’s birthday party SIL actually brought some gifts for her own DS so he wouldn’t feel left out!
This is one of the things my Dsis is guilty of for her DD, she has to get the same toy as the birthday child. Shock

TheLoneWolfDies · 20/03/2019 23:26

hugtheduggee thats very odd.. I wonder why that is, troll? I dont think so though which makes it stranger

Back2Fronting · 20/03/2019 23:33

I think either the OP is posting about something that happened in the past or she knows that at 7 1/2 this is bad behaviour and so fudged his age to make it seem better.

PerfumeandOranges · 21/03/2019 00:40

I do wish posters wouldn't use terms such as brat, petulant and discuss how to discipline a very small child. He is only 6 and may struggle with being told to do, x,y and z.

Your mum should have let him help open the presents because he's right, he is only a child. Poor little boy-he had probably been looking forward to the day, a red letter day and it was spoiled.

Could you do something extra nice for him OP ? Show him that you care he was disappointed.

clairemcnam · 21/03/2019 00:54

Children need to learn how to manage emotions. It is actually a really crucial skill to develop. I remember being really impressed when watching The Secret Life of 4 Year Olds how the staff helped a boy learn how to manage disappointment at not winning a game. He was very upset and threw a mini tantrum. The staff talked to him, and by the end of just a week, he was congratulating the winners of a game on winning.

Lots of adults underestimate what kids are capable of. Of course they are not born with these skills, they need to be taught. And simply giving in so kids are not disappointed, does not help them learn.

And some adults have still not learned to manage their emotions.

CheshireChat · 21/03/2019 00:56

She could have also changed the ages so she doesn't get outed perhaps.

clairemcnam · 21/03/2019 00:58

That would not be helpful though. In these situations ages makes a difference.

1forAll74 · 21/03/2019 01:25

Possibly a fault on both sides,, but a child should not be behaving like this,Your Mother maybe a bit like me, as not understanding children these days,who are allowed to have silly tantrums over not much at all.

But its all a bit silly for this scenario to have gotten so out of control, and end with some unhappiness..

Anyhow, it's my birthday today, and am quite an oldie. and won't be getting any presents, simply because I don't want any ha ha.

Shinesweetfreedom · 21/03/2019 01:29

I think he is playing up because he is allowed to get away with it.
I suggest your mum has had a fill of the spoilt behaviour of the kid,and sometimes when you tolerate a situation,you end up losing your rag when it is a regular occurrence.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2019 02:14

I have had 6 children so am well versed in such things. That behaviour could and should be stopped by the age of three. Its not all about them and the sooner they learn that the better.

However given that this "I want my own way and I will throw a strop when things are not perfect" dynamic clearly started with your mother and you appeasing her, and is carrying on with your son and you desperate to appease him.

Make sure you stop the rot with your own child or your grandchildren will be just like you.

VimFuego101 · 21/03/2019 02:29

I would say DS is quite high on the naughty scale, but he knew that it's not acceptable to behave like this and had grown out of the 'world revolves around me' attitude by 6yo.

Frenchmontana · 21/03/2019 04:16

However given that this "I want my own way and I will throw a strop when things are not perfect" dynamic clearly started with your mother and you appeasing her, and is carrying on with your son and you desperate to appease him.

I am not convinced. OP has previously complained about his poor behaviour and randomly not invited to family events.

Theres clearly more to this, that the OP isnt saying.

I get changing details to avoid outing. But the age is relevant in this case. OP does have a younger child who is around 2/3. If it was that child posters would have a very different view and be more supportive.