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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I bother😕

241 replies

user1498912461 · 20/03/2019 18:14

DM’s birthday today. I invited my mum, dad and siblings etc up for a mini tea party to celebrate. Made a large spread of food and bought lots of thoughtful gifts. DM proceeds to open the gifts and DS (6) asks if she can pass her presents around for everyone to open one each. I said to ds that it’s Granny’s birthday and she should really open her own presents and maybe he could help her. He asked her again and she said “that’s for your mother to decide”. I told him to “help” her open them and he ran off a into another room refusing to come back. Granny then refused to open them as he wouldn’t come back and watch her and stuffed the gift bag into a career bag to take home. She then loudly stated that he’d spoiled everything and that there’s no way I or my siblings would have behaved this way. I said that he’s only 6 and that sometimes children act silly and that she needs to lower her expectations. She sat there for the rest of her “party” with a face like thunder, even when we brought the cake out and sung happy birthday! Ds refused to sing and she spent the whole time looking at ds “not singing”. She left with her unopened gifts and stated that she’ll “remember this birthday for a long time to come”. Didn’t say goodbye to ds and the kitchen is now a bomb site that I have to 🧼 clean. Wondering why I bothered and thinking the whole thing was a disaster! 😔

OP posts:
AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 19:53

Why did you not let him realise that the world doesn't revolve around him? He's 6, not 3.

In the same situation, with a pfb too, I'd have held him and said, oh my goodness, lets see what Granny got! Can you be good and put all her presents together for her? At six? Time out until you cop on.

I doubt Granny gave two hoots about having her thunder stolen, but she very probably thinks that your son needs a bit of manners.

lotusbell · 20/03/2019 19:57

I think you're being harsh on the child. My son is 12 and up until a few years ago, he always wanted to help open presents. He wouldn't barge in or strop if he couldn't , but as a child, yes opening presents is exciting, even if they are not your own. Maybe OPs son has been allowed to do it in the past and the storming off isn't to be encouraged obviously but it's not a huge deal, is it? Maybe I'm not 'getting' it because my family don't and never have made a big deal of birthdays. My son would particularly enjoy helping the recipient open a present that he knew about or the one from himself. It's fun, its exciting, its hardly ASBO worthy, is it?

VeraWangTwang · 20/03/2019 19:57

I think your son is following in your mother's footsteps
Both showing bad behaviour, but your son is young enough to be corrected

SoupDragon · 20/03/2019 19:59

He wouldn't barge in or strop if he couldn't

That is the behaviour people are commenting on.

Houseworkavoider · 20/03/2019 19:59

OP
You might feel like you’re getting a bit of a kicking here!
If I were you, I’d chat with Ds about how to behave at parties ie how he’d feel if others wanted to open his gifts or blow out his candles.
I expect he’s a lovely little boy and it’s just one of those things!
As for your Dm....
Good luck with that! Flowers

I was one of the first people to post on your thread but am now feeling quite sorry for you. The whole party and all the effort you’ve made must feel like a massive waste of time.

You sound like a very nice daughter you your ungrateful Dm.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2019 20:00

I've raised two boys, and I can guarantee you that they knew at a younger age than 6 that the 'birthday person' opens their own gifts regardless if they're an adult or another child. Same thing at Xmas. Does your child expect to 'help' others open their Xmas gifts, too?

Your mother possibly should have handled it better (the sulking was wrong) but it may just be that she's frustrated at your expecting all and sundry to cater to your child.

clairemcnam · 20/03/2019 20:01

I suspect there is a long history here and that this has affected how your mum behaved.
Sometimes one thing can be the straw that breaks the camels back
Your expectations of your DS are pretty low.

shiningstar2 · 20/03/2019 20:03

I feel sorry for your son. OK he behaved badly but it could have been managed so much better. He is 6 ...he made a mistake. Packing up the birthday presents was quite an escalation. You told him off ...quite rightly ...but after that he should have been ignored and the present opening, tea ext should have calmly continued without him. Small children so look forward to these type of events. He knew he had behaved badly and was probably embarrassed so wouldn't return to the room. He would have been devastated to be told/realized he had spoilt the party.

I feel sorry for you too op. All the organising, food arranging and then it to go wrong. I hope you had a quiet word afterwards about how to behave another time. I am a grandma ...I think grandma ...older and wiser ...could have been a bit more understanding and handled things a bit better.

YouTheCat · 20/03/2019 20:04

You gave a confused and over excited 6 year old more choices and more responsibility by saying maybe he could help his GM open her presents. He doesn't sound like he is mature enough for making complicated choices.

A flat 'no, it's not your birthday' would have been a much clearer message.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 20/03/2019 20:07

whilst I agree both behaviour was poor, the GM was supposed to be the grown up, and her behaviour was both childish and rude, so I can understand why the OP was so upset.

Hosting's often quite stressful when you make an effort so I can understand why the OP is upset on that score as well, because her efforts weren't appreciated.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 20/03/2019 20:08

You told him off ...quite rightly ...

No, she didn't. She capitulated immediately and told him to "help" open the presents.

AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 20:10

Easy way for this to go.
DS: can we hand presents out for everyone to open?
You: No.

Witchend · 20/03/2019 20:12

Definitely 3yo behaviour at best.
At dd1's 2nd birthday I remember most of her friends handed over the present then wanted to help open.
By her 3rd her friends handed it over and watched as she opened it saying "do you like it?"

So that's behaviour you would generally expect them to have grown out of by the 3rd birthday.

If granny had said spontaneously "come and help me open" then that's totally different. Asking to help at that age is not age appropriate. And the idea of passing the presents round to everyone seems very unusual for that age. Where on earth has that idea come from?

BlueSkiesLies · 20/03/2019 20:13

WTF would your six year old “help” to open granny’s gifts?

Your kid was annoying, you were a wet blanket but your DM is stroppy so this is a bit 6 or one and half a dozen of the other.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/03/2019 20:13

How does your son behave around your mother usually? And how is she with him?

I have four children and none of them would have behaved like this (on pain of No More Parties Ever!) at that age, but I do have one who always misbehaves at my parents' house, because he is aware of how much my dad dislikes him. It's pretty clear to everyone else too, so we just don't go there any more unless it's unavoidable.

I agree that firmer parenting at the beginning would have put a stop to the bad behaviour, but that's not always something you know until after you need to! (perhaps this is the first time this situation has arisen? In which case at least you will know for next time).

LettuceP · 20/03/2019 20:14

Sounds like this was the last straw for your DM.

There are a few brats with ineffectual parents in my close family and it gets really hard to keep biting your tongue after a while. Especially when it spoils a family event yet again.

AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 20:17

I suspect your DM doesn't agree with your parenting and I agree with her

The DM didn't dare say one way or the other as she'd probably have said the wrong thing - hence - that's for your mother to decide.
He then threw a strop, your DM felt frustrated as usual and it all ended up a mess.

Can I ask how you parent your child OP? Are you very attachment/low discipline/all about him?

Original poster
user1498912461 · 20/03/2019 20:17

Yes, the storming off wasn’t ideal but with many other adults and his younger siblings around - the party could certainly carry on without him. He would have seen what he was missing out on and would have soon returned. DS gave DM her presents as soon as he saw her and the gift bag was from DH and I. I suggested that DS help DM open the gifts as a way of pleasing both of them and because he was excited. After DS ran off I told her to ignore him and carry on (I did speak to him in private to tell him off) DM’s over reaction added fuel to the fire and she chose to let him that ruin the party. She is exceptionally highly strung and overreacts to the slightest thing going wrong. Her behaviour has been like this long before DS came along.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 20/03/2019 20:18

why Couldn’t you make your sin come back I the room op?

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/03/2019 20:19

I expect he’s a lovely little boy and it’s just one of those things!

Hmm
AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 20:21

Why didn't you tell him to come back and apologise?

adulthumanwolf · 20/03/2019 20:22

He's not an only child? I'm lost.

AlpacasAreLlamas · 20/03/2019 20:23

DD would have been brought back and told to apologise. But I'm probably a harsh parent. She'd then have ploughed on as would the party. You didn't discipline your child and that's what annoyed your DM.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 20:23

She was wrong to act out, she probably thinks DS is spoilt. My DSis DD is 3.5 she wants everything others have, they have plenty of money buy their DD so much, but no matter what I buy mine she kicks off and gets it, she has to get her way or she will stamp her feet or go sulk.
She is an entitled moan, it is her parents fault.

MarvinMarvinson · 20/03/2019 20:27

Well. They both acted like arse holes but only the 6 year old has the excuse of being a kid and still learning.

I also wouldn't have ramped things up by dragging him in to apologise. I'd have left everything carry on without him. He'd have been in the shit after everyone had left though. I'd have also apologised for his behaviour at the time.