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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why I bother😕

241 replies

user1498912461 · 20/03/2019 18:14

DM’s birthday today. I invited my mum, dad and siblings etc up for a mini tea party to celebrate. Made a large spread of food and bought lots of thoughtful gifts. DM proceeds to open the gifts and DS (6) asks if she can pass her presents around for everyone to open one each. I said to ds that it’s Granny’s birthday and she should really open her own presents and maybe he could help her. He asked her again and she said “that’s for your mother to decide”. I told him to “help” her open them and he ran off a into another room refusing to come back. Granny then refused to open them as he wouldn’t come back and watch her and stuffed the gift bag into a career bag to take home. She then loudly stated that he’d spoiled everything and that there’s no way I or my siblings would have behaved this way. I said that he’s only 6 and that sometimes children act silly and that she needs to lower her expectations. She sat there for the rest of her “party” with a face like thunder, even when we brought the cake out and sung happy birthday! Ds refused to sing and she spent the whole time looking at ds “not singing”. She left with her unopened gifts and stated that she’ll “remember this birthday for a long time to come”. Didn’t say goodbye to ds and the kitchen is now a bomb site that I have to 🧼 clean. Wondering why I bothered and thinking the whole thing was a disaster! 😔

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/03/2019 18:59

*Hmm he said he is an only child randomly

I guess that's what he says to make you feel bad for him? I take it him being an only child isnt something you are happy with.

Both his statements about nana not liking him and the only child bit, are to make you pander to him and I bet you do.*

He said "only a child", not "an only child". OP doesn't say whether her DS has siblings or not.

JaneEyre07 · 20/03/2019 19:00

I think your issue is with your DS and not your DM to be honest.

I would happily let my grandchildren open gifts with me/for me, but I would expect that to be my choice and not something they expected and had a tantrum about.

It's really sad that they don't get on, OP and something you need to tackle by the sound of it.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/03/2019 19:00

^ Bold fail. Hmm

grumpyyetgorgeous · 20/03/2019 19:00

Hmmm well the ideal response would be for all of the adults to carry on having a nice time then ds would see that by stropping he's actually missed out on fun. Your dm was quite childish and spoilt this response. I wonder from your comments if he's a little more indulged than you realise? Your ds said grandma was "mean" was that based on the fact that he couldn't open her birthday presents?
I have a six year old too and he will ask things like this given half the chance, but being given a firm "no this is x birthday" helps a lot.

FrancisCrawford · 20/03/2019 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 19:04

Is he 6 and is actually an only child?

JenniferJareau · 20/03/2019 19:05

Wondering why I bothered and thinking the whole thing was a disaster!

Sorry but you allowed it to be that way. Your DS was rude as were you in allowing his behaviour. Your DS wanted to be 'in on the action' and needed to be firmly told by you that it was your DM's time to open presents from everyone and enjoy those moments and he needed to sit back and watch only. Why should he 'help her open them' it wasn't his birthday.

Bunnyfuller · 20/03/2019 19:06

‘No, it’s Nanny’s birthday so she gets to open them’.

If he marches off, you let him, and carry on enjoying yourselves. Who is in charge here?!

ScrewyMcScrewup · 20/03/2019 19:07

I'm guessing it isn't the first time your son has ruined an event by acting like a spoiled brat, with you indulging him. I don't blame your mother at all.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 20/03/2019 19:07

Oh dear. I've worked with many small children and that is behaviour I'd expect from a 3 year old Blush

AnnaMagnani · 20/03/2019 19:07

So much drama.

Adult's birthday - Unless it's a milestone birthday, card and a gift in the post. Possibly not even a gift. Plus a phone call. Would any of the others in your family have taken on the organizing of a family get together, large spread and array of thoughtful gifts? - I am guessing not. If the answer is no, have a think about why you do it and whether the stress is worth it.

Your DM - she has form for behaving like it so why be disappointed? Don't set yourself and your DS up to be hurt.

Your DS - it's someone else's birthday. When he asked if he could open the presents just say no, it's not his birthday and move on.

I think it is worth wondering why you bother, because the end result seems to be a lot of heightened emotions and everyone playing out little dramas from childhood.

orangepipe · 20/03/2019 19:08

I’m not sure why people are saying your child sounds like a bratConfused He hardly screamed and threw the presents at his GM’s head did he? It was a perfectly reasonable response considering your DM’s behaviour, i’d have ran off from her too! I’d not bother next year OP she sounds like a narc

NutElla5x · 20/03/2019 19:10

I'm sorry op but your son does sound rather spoilt and your mum can clearly see that and, though she acted just as bad as him on this occasion,perhaps it has been something that has been building up inside her for a while.
Your son is 6,not 2 and I would have told him that it was granny's special day and the presents were for her to open and no one else and then let him go off and sulk if he wanted to.If granny then refused to open her presents well then I'd start clearing up and leave her to sulk too.

Dillydallyingthrough · 20/03/2019 19:10

Sorry OP but I agree that your 6 year old behaved very badly, it sounds as if your mother has had enough and that wasn't the first time he has misbehaved like this. A 6 year old should know better.

And why can he 'help'? Surely it's just a 'no its granny's birthday'

It looks as if your mother was looking to you to parent with - He asked her again and she said “that’s for your mother to decide” - and you seems as if you didn't.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 20/03/2019 19:11

I’m afraid 6 is far too old to behave like that. I think my DS might have tried to pull a stunt like that aged 2, maybe 3. He’s 5 now and definitely wouldn’t. If he did, I would apologise on his behalf, remove him from the room, have very strong words and an appropriate sanction if behaviour continued, then support him as he apologised and rejoined the party.

Unfortunately your mums behaviour wasn’t great either but 1) you can’t control your mum’s actions and 2) if your DS is behaving like this a lot then it will be quite a drag for her. I would be careful about letting your DS hear conversations about his behaviour with others, it won’t do him any favours if he thinks granny is mean to him and doesn’t appreciate that he’s just a child.

Drum2018 · 20/03/2019 19:13

Your ds sounds like a spoilt child and maybe that's why your dm behaved the way she did - she may simply be fed up with his behaviour.

Octopus37 · 20/03/2019 19:15

O come on Bookworm, she's allowed to feel a bit badly done to after all that effort. Sounds shitty all round. We all have times when our kids totally show us up and when we don't get it right. OP sounds like your Mother is hard work, but you nevertheless feel compelled to make an effort, not an easy habit to break. Think you deserve a glass of wine tonight.

ataleoftwothenthreethenfour · 20/03/2019 19:15

Your DM behaved badly and so did your DS. I can understand your DM's concerns, she should have got on with the birthday and ignored your DS, but perhaps this is typical behaviour from him. You should have told him firmly no when he suggested the impromtu pass the parcel.

SenoritaViva · 20/03/2019 19:17

I think there is a back story here. I think your mum is sick of you pandering to your son and you not giving firm boundaries and this event, which you had put so much work in to, was the final straw.

christinarossetti19 · 20/03/2019 19:18

I'm going out on a limb here and saying that I don't think your son behaved badly. I presume that he asked about passing the gifts around for others to open because he was excited? That's okay. He's six and six year olds do get terribly excited about birthdays and presents.

Your dm caused the problems by not just saying 'would you like to give me a hand opening them ds?' or 'Ooh, it's my birthday, I'm going to open them. Do you want to guess what's inside' or something that didn't hurt ds's feelings.

If she'd have just ignored your ds's refusing to join in and got on with things, he probably would have just gone back in.

But I agree with pp who said if your mum is always like this why on earth do you bother?

My dm is very similar and tbh, I don't anymore. But have always and would always protect my children from being hurt by her childish and self-centred behaviour.

lisamac28 · 20/03/2019 19:21

Sorry OP but you child's behaviour was terrible. incredibly rude of them. It sounds like your DM has just about had enough and today was the icing on the birthday cake.

ssd · 20/03/2019 19:22

Your mum is to blame, she's the adult, your ds is young and shouldn't be expected to be perfectly behaved at parties, except of course in mn land where 6 Yr old are perfect.

GirlcalledJack · 20/03/2019 19:23

Why do you think your DS should ‘help’ open somebody else’s gifts?

I think there might be a few parenting issues going on tbh.

DGM was off for throwing a strop but quite honestly she was probably pretty miffed at your lack of effective parenting.

MortyVicar · 20/03/2019 19:24

I’m not sure why people are saying your child sounds like a brat. He hardly screamed and threw the presents at his GM’s head did he? It was a perfectly reasonable response considering your DM’s behaviour, i’d have ran off from her too!

But unless I've read the OP wrong, the GM's behaviour followed the DS running off in a strop, it didn't precede it it.

I'm not saying the GM's response was ideal, but I agree the answer to his suggestion about opening the presents should have been 'no'. Not 'she should really open her own presents', she DOES open her own presents. And it wasn't OP's place to suggest to him that he could help her either.

Gumbo · 20/03/2019 19:26

My SIL's child used to behave like this - 'Oh look, DN wants to help you open your Christmas/birthday presents' etc which involved DN grabbing the gift and ripping off all the paper He was about 3 or 4 when this started, and as I had no DC of my own I assumed it was how children behaved. Nobody else ever said anything and he was just allowed to do it. Roll on a few years and I had DS, and DN tried this shit - I grabbed it straight back off him and said 'I expect DS can manage all on his own!' - much to the horror of DN and SIL. He was about 7yo FFS, and should never have been allowed to get away with it!

So yes, your child is being rude and by now should understand that not all gifts are about him. And your mother is being childish too...