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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing a name

108 replies

changingthename · 19/03/2019 20:20

So not to drip feed,
I have a 9mo old son.
His father has only just told his family he has a child.
I was really ill during my pregnancy and was practically an impatient for the entire pregnancy, he visited once and emotionally abused me for the duration of the pregnancy. Ended up with an emergency section, baby couldn't breathe was resuscitated for 30 mins. Afterwards I finally get to hold him. 30 seconds later he demands to hold him. I say "not yet I want skin to skin" he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.
On Saturday there's a gathering so they can meet our son.
His family are African.
During the gathering it is mentioned that "we'll have to give him an African name" I took it that they meant they'll give him an African nickname not change his name legally.
Last night on the phone, his father says "we need to legally change his name to include an African name as my family said" I say "they didn't mean change it legally. And I don't wish to change his name 9 months down the line. That's his name"
Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc...
Aibu to not let him add an African name to my 9 month old's already 5 names?

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 19/03/2019 21:49

Yeah you continue to be with this tool OP and put your 9 month old at risk! Just do not change the Birth Certificate and get rid of him.

thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 21:52

I imagine that a man who has 0 respect for you, and I can't get passed his comment at the birth!, well that man won't respect you as a mother either.
I would be scared he'd try to steal my baby from me.

ahtellthee · 19/03/2019 21:59

Run. Run for the hills.

Haffdonga · 19/03/2019 22:06

Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son

And that's your lucky break. Please grab the chance to cut your contact with this abusive man and protect your child from him.

Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 22:11

@ShellieEllie How patronising, big girl pants Confused

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 19/03/2019 22:41

Big girl pants is a common MN phrase.

You're completely new here, aren't you?

Youseethethingis · 19/03/2019 22:49

I’d be asking myself if I would be proud if my son turned out like his father.
I’d be answering myself that I would be devastated to have raised such an abusive piece of shit.
I’d then be asking myself what I could possibly do to avoid the toxic influence of this man over my innocent baby.
Make of that what you will. The baby’s name is the least of your problems.

TrixieFranklin · 19/03/2019 23:18

I hope for your child's sake you're a troll

blackteasplease · 19/03/2019 23:25

Brilliant he doesn't want to be with you any more. Lucky break!

BlackPrism · 19/03/2019 23:45

I don't think the issue is the name (and why do you get to give him 5 names but he can't add one with his heritage?) but the fact he is abusive is the reason you need to grow up and get your baby out of this poisonous family set up.

DoctorDread · 19/03/2019 23:52

Get rid. Simples.

puppy23 · 20/03/2019 00:41

For yours and your son's wellbeing and safety, get away while you can

SleepingStandingUp · 20/03/2019 01:21

Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc

OP - that's called a lucky escape.

You need to look into something like the Freedom Programme.

So meeting him into your head and your bed. Easier said than done I know but he's a vile partner and a shit Dad.

YeahNah1980 · 20/03/2019 01:32

You shouldn’t be with him. Well done for putting yourself and your son in danger and for a potential life of abuse and put downs. Leave him now.

Blondebakingmumma · 20/03/2019 02:30

Good riddance- there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out

TheSerenDipitY · 20/03/2019 03:29

“Now he says he can’t be with me anymore”
AWESOME!!!! Lucky escape OP! go with that, dont let him back... not sure if anyone has been as direct yet but.... HES A CUNT!!!
run and dont look back

Monty27 · 20/03/2019 03:39

OP how does it feel to be imprisoned?
I can't imagine it. I hope your son gets free too. With you his mother.
Shock

Happygolucky009 · 20/03/2019 04:04

Get away, no good will come of your son whilst this man is around. Could the naming ceremony also be an opportunity to complete male circumcision? if so will this be done in a sterile environment by a qualified clinician?

Involving his family to a celebration of your son is lovely, except you don't know these people and frankly the babies father abuses you, what positive influence can these people realistically add, he will use them to apply pressure and control on you further long term.

In another 12 months your baby will be learning more around the world and often our sweet babies become tantraming horrors, how will the father cope with this behaviour ?

You need to take this opportunity if he is offering to leave and speak to your hv, a gp or support group to distance yourself and try to get on the Freedom program.. Good luck your son deserves better and you need to ensure you can do this by getting help now rather than engaging further with this dreadful man

Starlight456 · 20/03/2019 05:22

Oh he will not be going away this is the you want a family so fall in line .

Abusive men aren’t always horrible . You and your dc deserve better.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/03/2019 05:27

Can’t you see how nasty he is? Can’t you see how stupid it is to change the name for the reasons given? Why are you even asking if you should?

user1480880826 · 20/03/2019 05:39

You shouldn’t have put him on the birth certificate after his behaviour. Also, why on earth would you give your son this man’s surname?! You are the parent, not this abisive man.

Do not change your sons name to suit some people you don’t know and will likely (hopefully) have nothing to do with.

And have nothing more to do with the father.

Shoxfordian · 20/03/2019 05:39

Are you actually going to leave him? He's awful

Moorfields · 20/03/2019 06:00

You need to do the freedom programme and not enter into another relationship until you've completed it. You need to pick up on the little red flags abusers give out & learn to read the signals.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Moorfields · 20/03/2019 06:12

www.womensaid.org.uk

ApolloandDaphne · 20/03/2019 06:47

The name is the least of your worries here. This man is abusive and for the sake of your child you need to get very far away from him.

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