Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing a name

108 replies

changingthename · 19/03/2019 20:20

So not to drip feed,
I have a 9mo old son.
His father has only just told his family he has a child.
I was really ill during my pregnancy and was practically an impatient for the entire pregnancy, he visited once and emotionally abused me for the duration of the pregnancy. Ended up with an emergency section, baby couldn't breathe was resuscitated for 30 mins. Afterwards I finally get to hold him. 30 seconds later he demands to hold him. I say "not yet I want skin to skin" he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.
On Saturday there's a gathering so they can meet our son.
His family are African.
During the gathering it is mentioned that "we'll have to give him an African name" I took it that they meant they'll give him an African nickname not change his name legally.
Last night on the phone, his father says "we need to legally change his name to include an African name as my family said" I say "they didn't mean change it legally. And I don't wish to change his name 9 months down the line. That's his name"
Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc...
Aibu to not let him add an African name to my 9 month old's already 5 names?

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 19/03/2019 21:08

I her lost in trying to facilitate a relationship with her dad and his side of the family and accepting his behaviour.

Stop trying. If he wants a relationship he has to be civil.

Your first job is to get it clear in your head what you need to do to maintain a safe environment for your baby.

CoachBombay · 19/03/2019 21:08

I swear to god if my husband who was "boyfriend" at the time told me during labour to "not fuck with him today" I would have strangled him with my monitoring cables in an absolute rage!

Don't add the name, the child already has 5 names to contend with. It would add no significant value to the name.

The relationship should be ended and contact between dad and son closely monitored by yourself. Speak to your health visitor about his abusive father and get some support in ensuring both you and your son's safety.

Nothing but trouble will come of this man, stay well clear.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 21:09

You don't have to do anything and you certainly don't have to change your son's name..he'd need both parents to sign so just say no thanks.
If he wants to give his son an African name on an unofficial naming ceremony (where and how, please ensure you go and check out details..) then eek ok if you want. But you are Resident parent . Maybe talk to your HV as she might have some suggestions and thoughts to support you IRL.

ColeHawlins · 19/03/2019 21:09

Is baby a dd or ds?

Good question.

Schuyler · 19/03/2019 21:09

He’s an abusive twat, a nasty piece of work who will damage your baby. Get rid of him, focus on you and your son,

nespressowoo · 19/03/2019 21:09

Does he want him circumcising too?

Hanab · 19/03/2019 21:14

Im confused .. DD or DS🤔

thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 21:14

he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.
I am still stuck on that one! Shock

And he claims he's not abusive as "he doesn't hit me" obviously I know that's not true.
Are you sure you know? Regardless of my own safety, I would be really scared of this man near my baby and would do everything I could to get him out of the picture for good.

peasando · 19/03/2019 21:16

he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.

I got this far. Seriously OP?

Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:17

Ds sorry. Meant get and him *

OP posts:
GetStrongKeepFighting · 19/03/2019 21:17

A man really shouldn't need to say "I don't hit you"……

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 21:18

@nespressowoo has a possible real question. It's hard to raise something like that as it sounds like it could be a racist assumption - but they are stressing this in Safeguarding training now that NHS, police , education and CSD need to be hyper aware. That, a few, very rare minority in some cultures, there may be risk of illegal FGM and unofficial circumcisms in ceremonies, which aren't medically necessary. If you have any concerns that more may be involved than naming then talk to your HV.

I'm not saying this is the case, (my children are mixed West African) but it is something that has heightenned safeguarding awareness flagged these days.

Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:18

@thedisorganisedmum I do know but he has two personalities.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:22

@OffToBedhampton I'm not so against circumcision. It goes without saying I would never consent to female circumcision.

OP posts:
thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 21:24

changingthename
No he doesn't, he has one. he might have various moods, but he really doesn't change. He is always the same person, with the same personality, he might just hide it when he needs or wants something from you.

nespressowoo · 19/03/2019 21:24

@OffToBedhampton hit the nail on the head. I am a HV and see it happen so often. Sometimes families are happy for circumcision to take place, others not so. It's a very grey area when it comes to male circumcision.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 21:25

He sounds abusive in how he treated you. So I think you have reason to be wary.

And naming ceremony could be a fantastic cultural event. But I'd want to ask him and his family what is involved , who will be there and to attend with others on your side of DS's family to support. There is no reason for it not to be a family event with everyone there not just you and DS's dad's side. As it could be a great event that you are can participate in...

Still doesn't mean you have any reading to change his legal name though as... errrrr ... No.

adulthumanwolf · 19/03/2019 21:27

WTF.

CloserIAm2Fine · 19/03/2019 21:31

Him getting out of your life and out of DS’s life is the best outcome you could hope for

He’s scum. Do everything and anything you can to escape him and keep yourself and your child safe away from him

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 21:33

*reason not reading. Sorry, autocorrect.

Ah thanks @nespressowoo
It's so hard to say something like that. In my experience if it is a genuine naming or other ceremony everyone is invited from both sides and it's clear what will happen, where and who else will be there because it's a fantastic celebration.

If there is anything secretive about it, that there is something that doesn't sit right, then that need to be discussed with HV asap . As any ceremony ought be a celebration agreed by both parents and families.

Unofficial circumcisms are also a worry, as well as illegal FGM. In a minority

steff13 · 19/03/2019 21:36

Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son

This sounds like the best option. I say take it.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 21:37

Sorry, last sentence need clarification as meant
...in a minority of cases with some specific beliefs.

JemSynergy · 19/03/2019 21:44

He doesn't sound committed to you at all. Why do you not live together? Why didn't he tell his family about his baby until 9 months later? I think it is time to move on from this man, for all you know he could have another family elsewhere!

ShellieEllie · 19/03/2019 21:46

I think him wanting to change the name is the least of your worries. Put on your big girl pants and get rid.

Namestheyareachangin · 19/03/2019 21:47

Jesus. I could never, EVER get past him threatening and swearing at you while you lay on the operating table holding his newborn son. He is DISGUSTING. I don't care if he treats you like a queen most of the time (doesn't sound like he does) there is nothing that could ever excuse this. He has shown you what he is, how he treats the vulnerable. There is nothing more vulnerable than a little child. NEVER let this man be alone with your son. Do whatever you have to to keep him out of your life.

Do you even plan to separate from him??? It is not clear from your post. And oh my God it should be.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.