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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing a name

108 replies

changingthename · 19/03/2019 20:20

So not to drip feed,
I have a 9mo old son.
His father has only just told his family he has a child.
I was really ill during my pregnancy and was practically an impatient for the entire pregnancy, he visited once and emotionally abused me for the duration of the pregnancy. Ended up with an emergency section, baby couldn't breathe was resuscitated for 30 mins. Afterwards I finally get to hold him. 30 seconds later he demands to hold him. I say "not yet I want skin to skin" he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.
On Saturday there's a gathering so they can meet our son.
His family are African.
During the gathering it is mentioned that "we'll have to give him an African name" I took it that they meant they'll give him an African nickname not change his name legally.
Last night on the phone, his father says "we need to legally change his name to include an African name as my family said" I say "they didn't mean change it legally. And I don't wish to change his name 9 months down the line. That's his name"
Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc...
Aibu to not let him add an African name to my 9 month old's already 5 names?

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 19/03/2019 20:37

I would get him so far to fuck.

TrixieFranklin · 19/03/2019 20:39

I think PP meant grow up as in put yours and your child's safety first and get away from this man.

Jengnr · 19/03/2019 20:40

Keep the name as it is. If he leaves, has nothing to do with his son and is gone forever I’d call that a win all round.

Hersheys · 19/03/2019 20:41

Already 5 names? Why not another then Hmm
What is with people

LagunaBubbles · 19/03/2019 20:41

Why are you asking questions over a name when you shouldn't be with this guy? Confused

Boboo18 · 19/03/2019 20:46

Do all of you pp really think the op feels confident enough to leave this man? oh my god you all need to get a grip! This woman is CLEARLY in a difficult situation being abused by a man she has just had a baby to, she does not need to 'grow up' and it is not as easy to just leave him she needs support, advice and confidence. If only you could be in her shoes. If you need to chat pm me op

diddl · 19/03/2019 20:47

"Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son "

Sounds good.

PigletJohn · 19/03/2019 20:47

What should you do?

Read the clue:

"he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc..."

LouLou789 · 19/03/2019 20:47

Get some support from an abuse charity, Not only will they help you to make the break, it also means that if you need to take any legal action down the line you increase your chance of getting Legal Aid (if eligible financially)

PigletJohn · 19/03/2019 20:47

sorry, too slow.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 19/03/2019 20:47

Does he pay towards your son?

TacoLover · 19/03/2019 20:50

How do I need to grow up?

You need to leave before your child grows up in a highly toxic and abusive environment. I assume that's what they mean. I don't agree that you are being childish, you are an abuse victim. However you need to leave.

C0untDucku1a · 19/03/2019 20:50

Op, the best outcome here is that he fucks off and leaves you both alone.

And do the Freedom Programme.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/03/2019 20:54

Enlist help (Women's AId, your family, the police etc) to keep him at a distance; don't make any attempt to contact him and don't answer any phone calls or letters or emails. Unfortunately, as you put him on the birth certificate he could take you to court for access, but he probably won't want to spend the time or the money, and you would probably be able to put plenty of restrictions in place.

Singlenotsingle · 19/03/2019 20:55

Don't add an African name. This man will add nothing of value to the baby's life. He said he doesn't want to see him anyway.

pasanda · 19/03/2019 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ginger1982 · 19/03/2019 21:00

Why don't you tell him to get to fuck? Why are you with him?? Put your child first!

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2019 21:02

'Don't fuck with me today'

Threads like this make me want to cry. How have you got to a place in your life where you would actually continue any kind of relationship with a man so utterly vile, so disgusting, so inhuman and arrogant and heinous as this.

Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:02

@Boboo18 thank you so much honestly. I will pm you

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:02

@Hersheys OK then

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:03

@Flowersintheatticconversion He does. About the only decent thing he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:04

@MyKingdomForBrie Sad Even the midwife was upset

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:06

@Ginger1982 the first question I can't really answer. It's like he's two different people. He changes so drastically.
I do put my child first, I her lost in trying to facilitate a relationship with her dad and his side of the family and accepting his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingthename · 19/03/2019 21:08

And he claims he's not abusive as "he doesn't hit me" obviously I know that's not true. It's such a shame as things took a turn for the better when he informed his family and if I tell them I know they would disown him.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2019 21:08

Is baby a dd or ds?

I really feel for you but you need to find help somehow, somewhere, to get you and your poor boy away.

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