Refusing a name

[changingthename]

So not to drip feed,
I have a 9mo old son.
His father has only just told his family he has a child.
I was really ill during my pregnancy and was practically an impatient for the entire pregnancy, he visited once and emotionally abused me for the duration of the pregnancy. Ended up with an emergency section, baby couldn't breathe was resuscitated for 30 mins. Afterwards I finally get to hold him. 30 seconds later he demands to hold him. I say "not yet I want skin to skin" he says "don't fuck with me today" I was still on the operating table.
On Saturday there's a gathering so they can meet our son.
His family are African.
During the gathering it is mentioned that "we'll have to give him an African name" I took it that they meant they'll give him an African nickname not change his name legally.
Last night on the phone, his father says "we need to legally change his name to include an African name as my family said" I say "they didn't mean change it legally. And I don't wish to change his name 9 months down the line. That's his name"
Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc...
Aibu to not let him add an African name to my 9 month old's already 5 names?

[changingthename]

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice.
Thanks for the comments saying I'm putting my child in danger.
I started the freedom programme a few weeks ago but forgot about it, I need to get back into it!
I know that I wasn't being unreasonable I just wanted other people to say it to try and convince him that he's being unreasonable but I've realised I'm mothering him, if he can't see how he's unreasonable then fuck it.
Fwiw my child isn't in danger he barely sees our son, I parent him on my own.
I know I shouldn't have put him on the bc, I kick myself every day.
I should also add a few months ago I changed our son's surname so it only includes mine (he consented by writing a letter when he was in a mood, now regrets it)
I'm no longer making excuses for his behaviour, I'm going to continue working with my nurse and try to become strong again and find myself. I lost myself.
Thanks

[Anotherdayanotherdollar]

Yanbu to refuse the name change legally.

You don't seem to be in a good situation. Sounds like you'd be better off and safer without him. Hopefully you will be able to get help and support to do that.

Off topic but I'm very surprised that a baby requiring extensive resuscitation lasting 30 mins was then handed over for skin to skin. A baby needing a 30 min resus needs admission to nicu!

[nespressowoo]

Wake up and run. Do yourself a favour!

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

HeyCarrie I am sure OP has said he is, "he was happy to sign the birth certificate"

[HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame]

Please tell me that this man isn’t on the birth certificate. Take this advice and times it by ten: don’t change your kids name and run like the fucking wind.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Changing You've had some good advice, some phrased nicly, some more bluntly. Posters all intending to find a phrase that will inspire you. Like them I too hope you can find enough sstrength and support to do what is right for you and your child.

Big Girl Pants = Screw your courage to the sticking point

It's a MN short phrase intended to encourage you to be brave and get the job done!

[TacoLover]

I do know but he has two personalities.

So you're happy for your child to grow up around his abusive personality then? Yeah, totally putting your child first.

[ApolloandDaphne]

The name is the least of your worries here. This man is abusive and for the sake of your child you need to get very far away from him.

[Moorfields]

www.womensaid.org.uk

[Moorfields]

You need to do the freedom programme and not enter into another relationship until you've completed it. You need to pick up on the little red flags abusers give out & learn to read the signals.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

[Shoxfordian]

Are you actually going to leave him? He's awful

[user1480880826]

You shouldn’t have put him on the birth certificate after his behaviour. Also, why on earth would you give your son this man’s surname?! You are the parent, not this abisive man.

Do not change your sons name to suit some people you don’t know and will likely (hopefully) have nothing to do with.

And have nothing more to do with the father.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Can’t you see how nasty he is? Can’t you see how stupid it is to change the name for the reasons given? Why are you even asking if you should?

[Starlight456]

Oh he will not be going away this is the you want a family so fall in line .

Abusive men aren’t always horrible . You and your dc deserve better.

[Happygolucky009]

Get away, no good will come of your son whilst this man is around. Could the naming ceremony also be an opportunity to complete male circumcision? if so will this be done in a sterile environment by a qualified clinician?

Involving his family to a celebration of your son is lovely, except you don't know these people and frankly the babies father abuses you, what positive influence can these people realistically add, he will use them to apply pressure and control on you further long term.

In another 12 months your baby will be learning more around the world and often our sweet babies become tantraming horrors, how will the father cope with this behaviour ?

You need to take this opportunity if he is offering to leave and speak to your hv, a gp or support group to distance yourself and try to get on the Freedom program.. Good luck your son deserves better and you need to ensure you can do this by getting help now rather than engaging further with this dreadful man

[Monty27]

OP how does it feel to be imprisoned?
I can't imagine it. I hope your son gets free too. With you his mother.

[TheSerenDipitY]

“Now he says he can’t be with me anymore”
AWESOME!!!! Lucky escape OP! go with that, dont let him back... not sure if anyone has been as direct yet but.... HES A CUNT!!!
run and dont look back

[Blondebakingmumma]

Good riddance- there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out

[YeahNah1980]

You shouldn’t be with him. Well done for putting yourself and your son in danger and for a potential life of abuse and put downs. Leave him now.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Now he says he can't be with me anymore and no longer wants to see his son and I'm a selfish bitch etc

OP - that's called a lucky escape.

You need to look into something like the Freedom Programme.

So meeting him into your head and your bed. Easier said than done I know but he's a vile partner and a shit Dad.

[puppy23]

For yours and your son's wellbeing and safety, get away while you can

[DoctorDread]

Get rid. Simples.

[BlackPrism]

I don't think the issue is the name (and why do you get to give him 5 names but he can't add one with his heritage?) but the fact he is abusive is the reason you need to grow up and get your baby out of this poisonous family set up.

[blackteasplease]

Brilliant he doesn't want to be with you any more. Lucky break!