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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 19/03/2019 17:57

We had our first (& only) child when I was 43 and we had been married 12 years. We had never wanted children before and yet when we announced our pregnancy it was clear from a few comments (most of our circle of friends and families were to polite to say anything beyond ‘congratulations’) that some people thought we had been ‘trying’ for years. We hadn’t.

Mummyshark2018 · 19/03/2019 18:02

I met dh at 23, we bought a house together (he already owned one). whilst completing a masters we got married (26) , started ttc straight away, after nothing happened seen doctors, diagnosed with fertility issues, started ivf at 27, gave birth at 28 and now have a 7 year old. In that time I wanted to enjoy dc for a few years then got an amazing phd opportunity (that would have been impossible with 2 kids and living nowhere near family). I have now qualified recently in my dream field. I can see how lack of (the right) partner, work, life, job opportunities and study can get in the way and there never seems to be the right time. I feel like the past 7 years since having dc has flown by and maybe soon we'll try again but I realise I've probably left it too late (with fertility issues also) so if we do go forward and try I totally accept that the chances are small and that the choices I made (to better my career and life opportunities) have impacted on this greatly! Hey ho!

In the other hand my dsis's had theirs young and they're only now starting a degree with two children and finding it really difficult. Everybody is different and one way is not better than the other.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/03/2019 18:03

Dh and I didn't want children. Aged 36 he suddenly got broody as friends/colleagues/family all started having kids. We agreed that we would try for six months, I didn't think given my age (almost 37) that it would work in that time frame otherwise I probably wouldn't have agreed to try...got pregnant the first cycle and had dc1 aged 37. Dc2 was born 3 years later when I was 40. It took marginally longer that time around but not by much. She's now 9 months and our community midwife seems to think I'll be back with number 3 (she's wrong).

Dh and I have been together since we were 22.

mirime · 19/03/2019 18:20

I was 35. DH and I met when I was 22, we lived with my parents until we could afford to buy a house when I was 31, got married when I was 33, started ttc the following year.

Would have liked to have had dc younger, but we didn't have the money and my parents didn't have the room.

cricketmum84 · 19/03/2019 18:26

@Kaboodler my kids great grandmother is 82 and live and kicking!!

She was 26 when she had my mum, my mum had me at 22, I had DS at 20 and he is still 14.

My own great grandfather passed away when I was 11.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/03/2019 18:33

I don't think I know anyone who had a great-grandparent still living when they were born.

I had 2 when I was born, my mother's maternal grandmother and my father's maternal grandmother. I was 17 when the latter died.

My Dc have 2 great grandmothers as well, my mother's mother and my father's mother. They are 97 and 94 respectively and both are desperate to outlive the other. The women on both sides of my family live a long time, usually outliving husbands and sons.

Bobcatcornea · 19/03/2019 18:37

I don't think I know anyone who had a great-grandparent still living when they were born.

I had 2. My lovely great grandmother passed away when I was 21. My great grandfather passed away when I was in my teens, I didn't know him well so I can't remember exactly how old I was.

mellongoose · 19/03/2019 19:12

Haven't rtft.

Met DH at 35. Had child at 38. Not sure how we could have physically got there while I was in my 20s. Confused All earlier men had been completely non-committal and I'm sensible about making sure I met a good one first!

It does mean I got to see the world and enjoy my 20s and 30s. Don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

Would like another and I'm 42.

mellongoose · 19/03/2019 19:13

I had one ggf when I was born. He died when I was 11.

HarrysOwl · 19/03/2019 19:17

I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock"

So should I feel sad for the mums who didn't get to travel loads, establish careers nd generally enjoy themselves and be as selfish as they liked in their 20s/30s?

What a dumb thread.

ILiveForNachos · 19/03/2019 19:17

Can’t believe this has even been asked......

BejamNostalgia · 19/03/2019 19:28

I went to the doctors when I was 24, 26, 28 and 30 because I’d been having regular unprotected sex with DH from the age of 22 without getting pregnant.

They point blank refused to even investigate until I was 30 which is against the NHS’s own guidelines but happens A LOT.

Plus it’s not always age that will stop people getting pregnant anyway.

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2019 19:28

My reasons were

Spent my 20 s healing from childhood trauma, I knew I was in no state to bring kids into the world.
Felt very ambivalent about having them at all.
Found it very hard to trust men, ran away from relationships.
Knew exactly what I wanted and needed from a man and would not compromise ( that stood me in really good stead).

So i met the man of my dreams at 36, got pregnant at 37as soon as we started trying, them again at 41. So lucky I know.
16 years later we are still a happy family. If I’d done it young I’m pretty sure my kids would have been taken into care, I was on self destruct.
I’m living proof that therapy works and that you can heal trauma.

sandytoes84 · 19/03/2019 19:33

Imagine someone asking why anyone would have children in their teens/twenties?

The answer is we’re not all the same, there are many reasons and literally none of the are any of your business!

incrediblehux · 19/03/2019 19:33

What sleepyhead said. For me and many friends.
I wasn't going to live with a man without the commitment of marriage and I met my husband when I was 35. We've been lucky and had our first child last year. Others might not be so lucky, but they have avoided getting biologically linked to a commitment-phobe out of desperation to have a baby.

BrusselPout · 19/03/2019 19:41

I didn't meet a man that I would consider marrying/having kids with until I was 39. It really is that simple

DrVonPatak · 19/03/2019 19:45

In our case DH is a cancer survivor, so a waiting until all chemo side effects are gone is essential. Do I wish it was different? Of course, but I wouldn't have a DC with any other man, so it's a moot point.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 19/03/2019 19:49

I wanted to study, establish a career, stable relationship, get married, own a home and be financially stable before children. I also wanted to enjoy life with my partner, travel, socialise, be spontaneous before adding children to the mix. There are plenty of threads here detailing the difficulties of having children before doing a lot of these things.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 19/03/2019 19:53

I lost my only living great grand parent before I left infant school. One of DH s service users is a biological grandfather and is 32

mindutopia · 19/03/2019 20:00

Well, I didn’t meet my dh until I was 28 and we didn’t get married until I was 30. First dc born when I was 32 (2nd at 37).

But mostly because I wanted to enjoy my life, build a career, travel, live abroad, and have fun without the stresses and expense of children. Also I didn’t want to have a baby with any of the wankers I dated in my 20s. And thank god for that.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 20:02

Bloody Nora for what it's worth ALOT of threads are idoitic/obvious/None of people's business on MN so I dont take those comments too personally. I wasn't including people who had been TTCing for years nor was I judging anyone for waiting longer, I was just sat in the waiting room at the doctors, pondering on the thought and then made my way to MN to hear some experiences instead of sitting here with judgey pants on thinking all older mothers have gone barmy - tbh alot of you have done that for me tongue in cheek light hearted going to get lynched for comment

My DBs weren't born until my step mother was nearly 40, albeit she struggled TTCing but IMHO I feel she's a better mother with alot more patience than myself for example, has life experience etc.
And yes I would ask teens/young mum's the same, on why they did. Do you know why? Because it's not a bloody crime to ask a question or for someone's experience on a certain decision in their life. If they don't feel comfortable to answer then they dont have to I'm not going to hold a gun to their heads am I?

Thank you for the real replies, it's nice to understand how different people prioritise becoming a parent. I think it becomes drilled in to alot of young women, you grow up to become a wife and have babies, the end and that's as far as your purpose goes. Sex ed for example "when you turn 35 you have pretty much 10% chance of conceiving naturally and even if you do higher risk of MC or Down Sydnrome" I guess it's one of the reasons I became a young parent myself. I admire anyone that steps out of the mould and does things differently. And if I did offend any of the genuine answer PPs I do apologise, it's just nice hearing others reasonings.

OP posts:
BlancheDuBlah · 19/03/2019 20:05

I don't get the thinking you can't travel, pursue education, have a great time etc if you have children. The fun doesn't stop, it changes yes, but I loved having my children in my twenties. I loved their father. We travelled extensively, lived abroad, I completed my degree. There are such things as babysitters Grin.

There are some very narrow views on this thread.

Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 20:09

@HarrysOwl yes I do feel sorry for them, the couple I know have really struggled to come to terms with never being able to have children of their own and are now going through marriage counselling as it's destroying them as a couple. Obviously I couldnt sit there and ask them this question IRL due to the circumstances but I could help but wonder what other people's reasons are. Your entitled to feel sorry for whom you wish, no one's going to attack you for it on MN oh wait-

OP posts:
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 20:14

@BlancheDuBlah YY to that, I pursued more as a young parent than I think I would of without children. It gave me alot more motivation being a role model for my DD, if it wasn't for her I doubt I would of succeeded in any career or had the incentive to actually stick with any job tbf Grin travelled and very much enjoyed it, now happily married with DD2 on the way. It's nice to hear others way of doing things though, i think culture plays a big part on what age you become a parent too.

OP posts:
Boobahs · 19/03/2019 20:18

I was in a relationship for 7 years from age 25-32, always thought I would have kids with him. He ended up being a spineless tosser though, and I ended up back at my parents house, 2 years later I met my DP and after 2 years we started TTC. It took 8 months and I was 37 then (DS1 came when I was 38), I'm now 30 weeks pregnant (took another 8 months to conceive) with DS2 at age 41.

For me, it was circumstances and I'm glad now that I didn't do it earlier on.