To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP - can I ask - do you feel sad about the number of women who rush into things and have children very young with useless men and when they are not in a very stable situation, financially or practically speaking? Do you feel sad for the children brought into the world in these less-than-ideal circumstances?

I'm 29, and DH is 34, and we're starting to talk seriously now about starting a family soon. I must admit, I do still feel very young for it, though! I reckon in the next year or two.

"Leaving it until 30s"?!?! That's hardly "leaving it", surely? Most people have their families in their 30s or so. There's no way I'd have felt ready before now.

I reckon for a lot of us for whom the right man did turn up relatively early (DH and I have been together since I was 18, he was 23), we likely have a list of practicalities to sort out first.

One of my cousins CHOSE to try for children at 19/20 with his now fiancée. I must admit that I find that very young and "rushing it", as opposed to leaving it. What's the hurry for?? Biologically, it may be a great time to start having children, but our society is hardly geared up for that much anymore, with education now compulsory until 18. He's now 25, they've two small children, and struggling financially as neither have had a stable job since they started their family.

I'd far rather be 29 and thinking of starting a family, than 19 and doing the same.

threads like this are beyond idiotic.

What a strange question. Not everyone wants to have children young. Or even feels maternal till later in life, necessarily. There's more to life than having babies.

I wonder how many people who struggle to conceive in their late 30s would have had equal difficulty if they had tried in their 20s?

I wanted to be a young mum. It was all I ever wanted. I went to uni, and got a career, but in my mind, I wanted kids in my 20s. I met someone when I was 24, and thought that this was it, brilliant, we were happy, so I thought I'd get what I wanted.

Then he died suddenly when I was 27, just as we were about to settle down together. So no babies for me.

I was lucky. A few years later I met somebody and was happy again, and thankfully, in my late 30s, I was able to have my babies without any struggle.

So there are many reasons why women delay TTC. In my case it was caused my the most heartbreaking event I've ever been through. So somebody asking why I waited is quite upsetting, as I'm sure it is for other people.

OP, I think you are a bit insensitive to not have noticed what the majority of posters have shown - which is that a lot of women aren't with men who want to have children earlier. There are other reasons, of course. But in my circle of friends, things like financial stability and career delayed things to early 30s (I have a few friends and colleagues who have been with their partners for years but held off for this reason until they hit about 30). The reason for FURTHER delays is almost always lack of a partner/ a partner who doesn't want to try for children.

I wonder how many people who struggle to conceive in their late 30s would have had equal difficulty if they had tried in their 20s?

I suspect a lot of people who struggle in their 30's also struggled in their 20's, but it's not very easy to admit you're infertile at 25.

adaline (like your name) we tell each other everything and have done for years. Which is why I'm careful with what I say knowing how much this means to her now.

All I ever wanted was to be a mummy. However by the time I was 21 both my parents were divorced twice. That taught me that you never ever mess your children about. It had a life long impact on my sense of security, self esteem and love.

I determined I would not have a child until I was in a loving, stable relationship and could provide my children with the love and security I had been denied.

I didn't meet the right man until I was 30, married him at 32 and had first baby at almost 35. Having spent a decade and a half trying not to be pregnant I was very glad I had been very careful because it turned out that every time I had unprotected sex I got pregnant. Not to say it was plain sailing as I had 5 pgs that reached the 2nd trimester and 3 that reached the 3rd but have only two children.

DC are grown up now 24 and nearly 21. DD has struggled with anxiety and depression and a late diagnosed neuro developmental disability. She is at one now with her MH and it is well managed. I can't imagine where she would be had she suffered the upsets of my childhood and adolescence.

Hope that's a good enough answer for you op.

we tell each other everything and have done for years

You would be surprised how many people keep those kind of issues secret. When everyone around you is having babies and yet again you get a negative test or your period is late for a reason that isn't pregnancy, it's bloody hard.

I have people who think I tell them everything but I would never them I was TTC because I feel like it's my business. I also don't want people asking "why aren't you pregnant yet?" as if I have any choice in the matter, iyswim.

Gemi33

the one piece of advice I'd give you now - almost 36 is young but I can totally understand the clock ticking and couples vibes of your friends.

What I would say is 'put it out there that you're single and want to meet a nice man' - e.g. mention to friends, friends of friends etc - don't jump at the first nice man but you'd be surprised how many people have 'single brothers' or know a nice man who's single but shy and also have a look at articles - there was a really good Guardian one recently where the journalist suggested going on dates with men you wouldn't normally date - e.g. actor etc. In the article a friend of hers met her partner at a photography course so try courses like that. Strangely enough I'm having a dinner party soon for my DSis who's also your age and inviting a few men friends/acquaintances, an osteopath, single workmates and friends of my brothers etc - not guaranteeing success and inviting some other single female friends too but you do need to put the work in when it comes to meeting men. Have heard people had success at dance classes/clubs.

Lastly the final point is - and I know it's hard - try not to worry or look/sound desparate - which I'm sure I did when I was 'panicking' - men apparently pick up on this and sends them running. Just concentrate on the fact that you're a nice, normal woman who simply would like to met her equal partner. Good luck!

I don’t think that the OP has suggested she’s sad that people wait, but that it’s sad when for whatever reason people wait to ttc and it then transpires that they are unable to conceive.

Because the reality is that we do spend an awful lot of our lives trying not to get pregnant so when it turns out that we can’t anyway that can come as a shock/surprise.

And of course there will be people who wait because they haven’t met the right person or because they’ve been doing other things. But equally there are people who just wait and then take for granted the belief that they just will fall pregnant when they decide the time is right.

For anyone who meets the person they finally want to have children it is naturally devastating if it turns out they’re not able to do that. But in situations where someone has just waited because they think that they’ll just have a baby when they’re ready, being upset/angry is somewhat realistic.

It’s sad that for some it’s too late but I think there’s loads of valid reasons to wait until your older.

But, and I’m prepared to get flamed, it always upsets me when woman wait until they’re older becuase they want to establish a career and then give it all up the minute they have a child! It’s loads more common in my friends that those who had kids young, continued to thrive with careers while children were growing up and worked their way to the top, whereas those who worked their way up before kids just gave it up to be a Sahm. Not judging but just an observation and may be limited to my social circles!

I didn't want kids when I was younger. I was a bit ambivalent about having them when we did start TTC, but my husband was quite keen so I decided to take one for the team.

I'm glad I did, as I gave birth to the most awesome little dude at the age of 36. Part of me regrets that I won't be around for as much of his adulthood as I would have if I'd had him younger, but I honestly think that if I hadn't been able to establish my career, have loads of fun at clubs and gigs, and had a good stretch of time just as a couple, I would have resented any child. The time just wasn't right, and I would have preferred to have left it too late and not had kids, than to have had kids too early and regretted it.

What MadameDD says, and also: make a list of what you want in a man. For me, it was: intelligent, makes me laugh, sporty and financially secure. Seems so evident but so many of my previous exes did not meet one or more of the criteria.

When I first met DH I didn't look at him twice, mostly because it was in a business environment so I was not thinking about that, but over time I got to know him better and I realised he ticked all those boxes and things like him being divorced with kids, older than I, and a different nationality didn't matter to me and that is why they hadn't made the list.

I couldn’t find a man who wanted to have children. I always made it clear up front that my eventual aim was marriage and children and men were happy to string me along but just put it off.

Eventually with DH I had to sit him down and say you know I want a child, if you don’t then say now so I can find someone else before I’m too old. He was completely shocked, he just thought we could put it off until ‘later’ when he realised I was serious he agreed to ttc and he’s never been happier than being a dad, it was just the fear of the unknown.

Do you also sit about pondering why women choose, in a country with freely-available contraception and legal terminations, to have children in their teens in fact, before they are legally women and the 'sadness' of those women's lives, given the needless obstacles having children young places in their educational, financial and career path?

And before anyone jumps on me, that was deliberately phrased offensively to mirror the OP's apparent bafflement at older mothers' choices.

Unlike the OP, I find it perfectly possible to accept, without great puzzlement, that people have different priorities to me. I had my son at 40 because I wanted a professorship more than I wanted a baby -- other people will have had babies at 40 for entirely different reasons.

For me it was ‘oh shit, I’m 35, I’d better get a shift on if I want baby number 2’. For others I know they just didn’t meet the right person until then.

I met dh at 27
We started trying at 30
Over 7 years....
I had 2 miscarriages
I got cancer

I was then incredibly lucky to have my 3 dcs at 37, 38 and 41.

On the flipside my sister had children in her early 20s. Our parents were still nimble enough to support with all childcare whilst she studied and worked. Once she got on her feet it was more or less plain sailing. I on the other hand waited to establish my career but by the time I hit my 30s I didn't feel quite ready to give up on disposable cash and minimal responsibilities. I also breathed a heavy sigh of relief when my nieces would stay with me for the weekend and my sis would pick them up on Sunday night

I had DS1 when I was 30 and DS when I was 33.

Two of my closest friends both haf their children in their early-mid 20s and so because their children are now 12+ they are getting their life and their freedom back.

I silently watch with jealousy as I see them enjoy themselves whilst I’m dealing with my young children.

I didn’t meet my DH until I was 27 hence why I didn’t have children until in my 30’s but I often think about how much different my life would be now if I’d had my children earlier.....

@hazeyjane

I can't even imagine how awful things must have been for you for such a long time. You must be a very brave woman and I'm pleased you were eventually successful. I must be hormonal because even your factual bullet points have me tearing up!

Well I was certain I didn’t want children in my 20’s and early 30’s as was my then husband.
I then got together with DH at 38, had DS at 39 and we’re trying again at 40 for number 2.

MadameDD and IWriteCode - thank you for the very helpful advice. I think most of my friends know that I would like to meet someone but no one seems to know any single men! People have suggested online dating a lot but I have resisted so far as the idea makes me quite nervous and I would really like to just meet someone naturally although I realise that that might not happen so maybe I should bite the bullet and try online. I have put on quite a lot of weight over the last couple of years so I feel quite self conscious and I don't feel much of a catch but I would really like to meet someone and have a child so I probably need to think about it!

xx