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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 19/03/2019 15:46

I had two kids young and I'm glad I did because at 38 I became pregnant and it was ectopic. After that I never needed birth control again so clearly my fertility was gone. For me personally, I could have the best career, most loving husband and most beautiful house in the world but it would have meant nothing if I didn't have children. I always knew having kids was the one thing I wanted to do in life. So, while my circumstances back then weren't ideal, I don't regret it at all.

As unpopular as this opinion is I do think some (emphasis on some) people prioritise the bigger house, the promotion, etc etc and they believe all the hype about it being "easy" to have a baby later on. It really isn't. I have more than one friend who's TTC in late 30's/early 40's and been unsuccessful. So, while I understand all the reasons people have posted above, it does boil down to what people as individuals want most out of life.

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 15:47

Well I waited until 40ish to start trying for DD4.5 because up until then I hadn't met any decent men, wasn't married and also didn't want to be a single mum!

When I was younger (20's) I certainly didn't want DC and when I was in my early/mid 30's it was the wrong time for various reasons.

Asking friends of a similar age to me - mid to late 40s - on the whole it's been either not meeting the right man, or meeting a man but wrong time to have children etc. And yes, a few have had either miscarriages or problems in their womb area (fibroids etc) which have made it harder for them. Despite what you think though, most women don't fall apart when they can't have children - they've come to terms with the idea, if I would have done. Even now, being pregnant a second time, and having had one DD - she's lovely and my family are lovely but I sometimes wonder - why am I doing this?!

Happyspud · 19/03/2019 15:47

Much and all as I love my babies they have left me 10 times more vulnerable than I was before. I’m now tied biologically, by the rawest strings of my heart, to a man. I would never have done this without taking time to be sure he was a good man and right for me and my children. And also that, God forbid, I could afford our lives, without him, single handedly if I needed to.

So having kids in my thirties has meant that I’m fully insured on both fronts. For my children as much as for me. A lot of people skip these steps and if I’d have had them younger, I would have had to take risks on these two most critical things.

MotherWol · 19/03/2019 15:50

I was 34 when I had DD; I'd been with DH since university, but when we started thinking about children towards the end of my twenties, neither of us were in stable, well-paying jobs. He was in a job he enjoyed, but it didn't pay well, and I was bouncing from one short term contract to another. Once we were in more stable, more rewarding jobs, with good benefits, we decided the time was right to start a family.

It's been good - we've had plenty of time to enjoy our lives together, and grow as a partnership, before bringing children into the mix. We're solvent, we've got established jobs to go back to, and we're happy. If we find we're unable to have a second child, we'll learn to live with it.

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 15:51

Oh, and I know quite a few younger single mums (18 and 24 for one, there are more but can't think of ages now) and I know that they certainly found it hard work bringing up kids young and on their own and they did 'miss out' on fun stuff like I was doing! One of them even told me after she'd had her 2nd DS at 20 that 'she'd wished she'd never had children' and she was serious. Of course things got better for her etc but when you had to do like she did at one stage and prioritise eating over her DC eating then for me, that's no way to live.

Gemi33 · 19/03/2019 15:52

Because they don't meet someone who wants to have children with them before then.

This!!! I have always wanted children and never met the right person and now I think it is probably too late and it is really really hard. I have heard this question so many times before and it drives me mad because for lots of people like me it is most definitely not a choice.

xx

NaturalBornWoman · 19/03/2019 15:53

Since I started reading threads on MN I've been shocked at the number of people who are so driven to have a child that they rush into it recklessly with unsuitable partners, before they have a decent career established, no proper stable home, even when there is still plenty of time biologically.

BeanBagBalls · 19/03/2019 15:54

I'm 40 and both my grandmothers are alive. 15 great grandchildren between them.

QueenBlueberries · 19/03/2019 15:56

I was (still am) with the right person, but I simply wanted to enjoy life before kids. I gambled, and I got pregnant straight away. We made money, bought a house, travelled, I enjoyed a career in which I was travelling all over the world. Yes it's selfish, yes it's a gamble, but for me it was pretty simple - just wanting to enjoy myself a bit longer without having to worry about children.

Traccs · 19/03/2019 15:56

Because I wasn't remotely interested in having children until I was 36. DH and I were together 18 years before we decided to have children. I had never so much as had a pregnancy "scare" so didn't know whether I would conceive. Was pregnant first month of TTC.

wheresmymojo · 19/03/2019 15:58

I didn't meet DH until I was 34....we've moved in together and got married and were just about to start TTC.

However I've just been hit with a £20k tax bill I wasn't suspecting and I'm the main breadwinner and don't get any mat pay beyond statutory (doesn't even pay the council tax).

So I'm turning 37 soon and will have to put it off another year due to financial issues.

Not everyone gets to do things when they'd like. If you have that's great but perhaps you should focus on being grateful rather than questioning everyone else...

Sparklesocks · 19/03/2019 15:59

Is it really so difficult to imagine that other women may view life differently to you, and may not choose the exact path you do?

There are obviously a million reasons - wanting to build a career first, wanting to be better secure financially, not meeting the right person yet, wanting to travel before settling down, wanting to get on the property ladder, all of these can take time and might mean babies are on the back burner for now.

NoCauseRebel · 19/03/2019 15:59

My great grandparents are dead now as are my grandparents but I’m 45 now.

However, my parents had me in their twenties as did eXH’s parents so they are still young enough to have hands-on relationships with our DC. Similarly eXH’s dp’s parents had a very hands-on relationship with her eldest DC, however she and eXH have since had children together and one of her parents has since died and the other has serious age-related health conditions, so their DC will never have the kind of relationship with them that her eldest had, equally ILs are similar age to my parents so although they’re still young enough now to have a hands-on relationship with ex’s youngest, by the time they leave school ILs are unlikely to be either alive or potentially in good health.

Kaboodler · 19/03/2019 15:59

I’m 40 and if my grandmothers were still alive now they’d be 120 years old. Or thereabouts.

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 15:59

Gemi33 - I was about 41/42 and despairing of meeting someone nice and then met DH at a friend's party - it wasn't love at first site but I did find him attractive, but I was very wary after previous dating disasters. We even went on a few dates and I got cold feet. Then one weekend I bumped into him by chance by myself at the local farmer's market/indoor market - he was visiting and with friends and we started chatting and next thing he'd asked me out for a date and we restarted things and there you go. at approx. 42 and a half (I think) I got pregnant with DD and now I'm pregnant again.

But I was certainly either panicking up until that day about meeting a man to have DC with and was also settling things in my mind for the fact that I couldn't have DC naturally.

So don't give up hope - you can meet someone - or even go it alone and have DC.

KarenOnCrack · 19/03/2019 16:01

There nothing wrong with you asking your question OP.

I have a loved one who left it till 42 to try for a child despite being with her partner 10 years.

She and her partner are doing IVF now and I have everything crossed for them but it's not sth you can easily bring up in RL without worrying you've said something insensitive or on MN without a deluge of defensive responses, from older mothers or those that left it too late and regret it.

Kaboodler · 19/03/2019 16:03

it's not sth you can easily bring up in RL without worrying you've said something insensitive or on MN without a deluge of defensive responses, from older mothers or those that left it too late and regret it.

Insensitive people often find normal reactions to be 'defensive'.

OneForTheRoadThen · 19/03/2019 16:04

I wasn't remotely broody until I was 35. Had DC at 36 and 38. Would love one more but feel too old and tired.

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 16:06

The thing is it’s always on the woman. Why didn’t you try sooner? Why weren’t you stable enough? Why did you have children without a father? Why didn’t you have a career? Why did you have a career instead of children?

I’ve never seen men asked these questions.

KarenOnCrack · 19/03/2019 16:06

Disagree there, I think defensive attitudes are often very evident to most.

Albgo · 19/03/2019 16:07

*You probably get the arsey replies because women get judged all the time on this. Why did I wait? Well no, I didn't "wait" I was just unfortunate enough (or immature enough, I will accept) to date a string of utter assholess all throughout my 20s and 30s. At least I had the common sense to not get pregnant by any of them even though my ovaries were screaming at times.

I met DH at 38, married at 39 and by then it was too late for my poor shrivelled ovaries.

Can you not see how asking me "why did you wait?" would hurt me?*

This. x

Orangecookie · 19/03/2019 16:09

I don’t berate the OP though, it is a valid question. I just don’t know any women who were blasé about kids and left it late. I know sooo many wonderful women who could not find a man prepared to commit though. I’m so sad they don’t have children now as they would have been great mothers.

maverickgoose · 19/03/2019 16:11

I've been intrigued by this too OP. I had a friend who when she met the man who was to become her husband had a conversation very early on where they both found they wanted kids, they got married, were married for probably the best part of a decade before she got pg at 39.
I always assumed they had trouble conceiving. But no, she told me later they conceived at their first attempt. However, she was devastated to never manage to conceive a second.
Neither of them were career orientated in particular and their financial circumstances were stable and comfortable throughout their marriage, so I do wonder why they left it so late when they both wanted multiple children. Never asked though as it is their business.

adaline · 19/03/2019 16:11

I have a loved one who left it till 42 to try for a child despite being with her partner 10 years.

How do you know they didn't TTC naturally for years before going down the IVF route? How do you know she didn't have numerous miscarriages, or years of upset because she couldn't get pregnant when everyone else could?

Infertility is such a sensitive subject and I would bet lots of people who are TTC keep it very quiet because they don't want to have to deal with endless questions about why they've not had a baby yet.

Gemi33 · 19/03/2019 16:11

MadameDD thank you for your post - what a lovely story and made me quite emotional. I would love that to happen to me but I can't quite believe that it will. I have never really had much luck with relationships and I will be 36 in a few months and just don't seem to meet people now and all my friends are in couples and meeting other single people just doesn't seem to happen.

xx