To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

Things to do, people to meet, irresponsible shagging to get out of the system, career to build. Also wanting to meet the right man. Also fear.

I might've done it earlier had I met DH earlier but I might only be saying that because if I'd had my kids at 25 I'd only be 35 now DD1's ten instead of 45 so in a way would've cheated the ageing process.

I had mine at 32 and 34 .My DH is four years younger than me and we had our first 8 yrs after meeting.I could not imagine having kids any earlier than that and now 21 years later I'm so glad we didn't. I am so glad my kids are reared .It was a lot of work and not always easy. We had a great time together pre kids with travel and just enjoying life . I wouldn't have missed that time for the world and it really gave us a good foundation for our married and family life.We are financially comfortable now and looking forward to the next phase of our lives where we can enjoy it just being us two again and our kids as they make their way in the world.

In my early 20s, I wanted to establish my career so I purposely avoided pregnancy despite a couple of quite special relationships. Late 20s and early 30s I didn't find anyone I wanted to settle down with; I carried on improving my career but it wasn't my preference just that nobody I dated was right for me. Met DH when I was 37 and he was 33; we had a few years building our relationship, buying a house together etc. We were lucky enough that I got pregnant the month we moved in, but we both knew there was a chance it might not happen. It would not have been the right choice for me to have randomly had children with any of the guys I dated in my late 20s and early 30s, I always wanted my child to have a stable family so I waited to build that first.

Well there's no guarantee that if you do start sooner that you'd be able to have children. There's lots of things that could make conception difficult.

We wanted a house, a car, to travel, to have savings, to study, to have careers. I'd grown up with very little (we weren't poor as such, we just didn't have spare money) and I didnt want to have to put my future child through that. if we'd have had a DC in our twenties we would have had to count every penny and reduced our spending significantly.

My husband kept pushing it back when we were in our twenties. He was excited to talk about having children before we got married. Then he became less keen. One day he decided he didn't want children and soon after he decided he didn't want me.

It was devastating, especially as I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him a few years instead of pushing fatherhood on him before he was ready. I didn't want to have a child with someone who didn't want one.

I'm mid-thirties now, remarried, and expecting our first in a few months. I hate when people talk about leaving it too late because it's not that clearcut. It also made a stressful time in my life a lot worse as I couldn't change my age or conjure up a good partner who wanted to have children with me.

Amongst most of my friends it wasn't that they weren't ready, it was that their partners weren't yet ready. They had met 'Mr Right' in most cases but he was the one that didn't want kids til 30s.

Actually DH would have liked a few more years before kids, but time was against us so we decided to go ahead.

In all the cases I know, where from the outside it would look like the couple were in a position to start a family financially etc etc it’s always been the man who wasn’t ‘ready’, the women were certainly more than aware. Sadly for some they never managed to have the children they desperately wanted and in one case the (now ex) husband now has a family with a younger woman!

Otherwise it tends to be not having met anyone (or the right one!) at the right age. Again I know several women for whom it’s now too late and would have longed to be mothers. For the most part they didn’t put up with being in shit relationships.

It always really annoys me when I see this in news articles etc. "WOMEN leaving it too late to have babies"

In most reports it's put down to selfish women wanting to prioritize their career. Even if that's the case, it's a woman's own choice and surely women know that fertility decreases, so it's their own choice.

But in reality it has a fuck of a lot more to do with MEN imo. So, so many women I've known, including me, wanted to have babies earlier but either they couldn't find any responsible, grown-up men to have DC with until they were older, or (as in my case) they were with someone but he kept trying to put it off and saying he wasn't ready.

Some women do make a decision to go it alone but obviously that's extremely difficult and you need money and family support. And women shouldn't be judged harshly for not wanting to bring a child into the world in an insecure situation.

I've even known situations where the man has strung the woman along saying he'd be ready to have babies later, and she waited and waited, until she was nearing 40, he changed his mind (or he had been lying all along), dumped her and she missed out on having a baby at all.

Then women get "why leave it so long?" misogynist wank.

To add to all the other reasons

I know multiple men at work
Who have been married since youngish and been delaying starting family with wife - man's decision but argued to make it "theirs"
When they've got to early 30s, man his ditched wife and run off with woman in early 20s
Leaving wife prob too old to get over it, get a new partner, get settled, start a family

I know 3 different men who have done this.
Oh and a family member has done similar but without the running off - he's just stringing her along saying one day but he knows he doesn't want any

The other reasons on the thread are all valid too - this is just one that always pisses me off a bit though!

I had DD when I was just shy of 26, and while I don’t regret it for a minute, with the benefit of hindsight I would 100% have waited another 3-5 years at least. It’s absolutely torpedoed my career, social life and put major strain on the early days of our marriage. Now having number 2 around 3 years later and feel so much more geared up towards it and much less ‘ahead of the curve’ - which is a very lonely place to be. So I can ABSOLUTELY see why people wait for all of the reasons stated above.

Because they don't have a stable job, or a stable home, or a stable partner, or because they aren't ready.

Or y'know maybe they're fickle selfish idiots who cared more about wine and lie-ins, was that what you wanted to hear? Surely it's bloody obvious why women would TTC at that age ie for good reasons, despite how keen the media seem to be on this narrative that women are recklessly leaving it to the last minute because, IDK, prosecco and shoes.

I met DH at 29. Having one before then would have been irresponsible.

Married at 31, ttc immediately. DS born when I was 33. Terribly poorly poorly baby for 18 months. Trying to conceive during that would have been irresponsible and DH was traumatised anyway!!

Been ttc2 since since I was 35.5

Because they don't meet someone who wants to have children with them before then.

This. Or they chose to procreate with a decent human being who is financially stable. Or both.

It's not that hard to imagine.

in reality it has a fuck of a lot more to do with MEN imo

Yes.

Then women get "why leave it so long?" angry misogynist wank.

Also yes.

I was ready to TTC at about age 28 but I wasn’t married and couldn’t afford a house. We were 35 before we managed to buy a house, got married at 37 and literally started TTC on our wedding night. If I’d had a husband and a house earlier I guess I’d have TTC earlier. Imo the more house prices go up the later couples will TTC.

I would have been an awful mum in my 20's I was just so selfish, travelling, working on my career, getting a foot on the housing ladder, going out until all hours. It was great fun, but for me absolutely not the time to have child.

I am a planner and I always knew if I was going to have children it would be in my mid-30s, I planned for that but also came to terms with the fact that if I made that choice I may not be able to have kids at all (my parents struggled to conceive me in their mid-30s and I grew up knowing this).

I was very lucky and got pregnant as soon as I came of the pill at 34. I am so much more a relaxed person now than in my 20s we are settled, I don't have any financial woes, I run my business around my child and so I get mental stimulation but also give her lots of attention. I love being a mum and have ticked so much off my life list in my 20s Im happy to sit back and enjoy my time with my child now.

Would have loved to start TTC at 27 when the urge kicked in! But as well as living in a novel of a London houseshare, the succession of boyfriends/potential fathers were all crap. Met my boyfriend age 34, started TTC just shy of 36, having a baby in the next few weeks age 37.

Zero regrets, not least that my career is stable, I own my own home with a v small mortgage, and when I spent my pregnancy being too poorly and incapable of hunting down hand-me-downs and eBay bargains I have had the money to say "Fuck it, let's just buy a SnuzPod". Wouldn't have been able to do that a decade ago.

Wouldn't have wanted to TTC in my early 20s either. There was vodka-spiked cava to be drunk, sequin disco pants to be worn, and house parties to be sick at.

Weird as it may seem, I suppose people do what they consider best for them, at the best time.

Some people want the security of a stable relationship or marriage.
Some people want to have their foot on the mortgage ladder.
Some people want to establish their career.
Some people want a shit ton of savings.
Some people find pregnancy doesn’t happen immediately and before they know it they’re ‘older’ parents
Some people want to travel, stay out late, get drunk, go skydiving before committing to parenthood.
Some people don’t think they want child until the day they do.

I’m sure they are many, many other reasons.

Do you always expect people to do things your way? Realise that everyone of us is different, life will be easier.

Then women get "why leave it so long?" angry misogynist wank.

This!

I actually remember a conversation with my ex when I was 29, we'd been together for a couple of years and said I would love to start TTC. Despite having previously said he wanted DC and was super-keen, he almost fell over in shock and said "I don't think we need to think about that for ages yet!" I said "Like when?" and he said "Not until we're at least 40."

Well with some explanations of basic biology and the fact that I didn't agree, we ended up compromising on mid-30s. But the question for feature writers should really be "why are men so reluctant to start families when there's still a decent chance of pregnancy?"

I'm 40 now and had my first DC at 20 and second at 23 in my first marriage

At the time I felt I was too young and missing out by becoming a mother at a time when all of my friends were off gallivanting. I was so so jealous of their carefree lives.

Fast forward to today. We are all 40 year olds. I am the only one that has total freedom to do as I choose and the energy to do it. I look like my DCs sister, dont have to do school runs, no sleepless nights, have an amazing second career that my friends are in awe of because it takes alot of physical energy.

In contrast every one of my friends that has babies/toddlers looks shattered from the sleepless nights and tells me how lucky I was to have mine young.

You physically ARE more resilient in youth than in middle age.

It's about perspective. Mine was different to what it was when I was pregnant at 20. Theirs is different to when they were 20 compared to now.

Because;

1 - I didn't meet DH until late 20s
2 - DH suffers from poor mental health so wasn't ready for 8 years
3 - it took us over a year-and-a-half to conceive, miscarried and another 6 months to conceive again

Nothing to do with choosing to delay it. I'd have loved kids at the age of 30 but life didn't deal me those cards. I'm just very lucky to have my little boy now, aged 38.

You probably get the arsey replies because women get judged all the time on this. Why did I wait? Well no, I didn't "wait" I was just unfortunate enough (or immature enough, I will accept) to date a string of utter assholess all throughout my 20s and 30s. At least I had the common sense to not get pregnant by any of them even though my ovaries were screaming at times.

I met DH at 38, married at 39 and by then it was too late for my poor shrivelled ovaries.

Can you not see how asking me "why did you wait?" would hurt me?

In my experience it’s a combination of opportunity and want - and want can’t really be substituted for anything, whereas you may compromise on elements of opportunity/what you want pre-children, depending on how much you want a child.

For instance, most people have a preference of being with a partner who wants to have children (as in, not everyone thinks of going it alone as a comparable option). They’ll also want some basic factors in place (accommodation, income, etc) but one person’s minimum requirements in that regard will vary from another’s. Some people want a higher income, to own a property and so on before having children, other people are comfortable having children whilst renting, sufficient income but not necessarily high, and so on.

Importantly though, you really need to want it when you plan to have children! I have a number of friends in their late 20s/early 30s, in long term relationships, who just don’t want to have children now. It’s not a never for them, they don’t feel that desire right now. Although they could reference things like enjoying their career, buying a house first etc, the key thing is they simply don’t feel the want for it yet. Theoretically they could probably ‘afford’ it, but it’s not what they want to do right now and not necessarily how they want to do it and if you’re planning to have a child the want is pretty much the first thing you need to be able to tick off of the list.