To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

I had my daughter at 35.. when I went to the doctor she actually said " you are now classed as a geriatric mother because you have left it so late to have your first child" Oh .. Sorry love, sorry I made the decision to wait until I was happy and married and had a nice home and didn't have to return to work.. obviously is is their preference that ladies these days have unwanted pregnancies in their teens as "older" mums are such a burden on the NHS . Add you can probably tell I was fuming! I'm 40 now and don't dare have another 😂😂

*now terrified of things

My husband and I met 20 years ago when he was 23 and I was 17.
I went to uni and started a legal career then we bought a house 9 years later. The same year he proposed. Until that time it wasn’t really right for us - busy jobs etc. Married in 2011, then my father fell terminally ill so our lives were even more chaotic. We conceived our 1st when I was 32, (5 years ago) and have been ttc since. Have had one miscarriage and am currently 4 weeks pregnant. The last couple of years have been gruelling ttc and I often wish we had tried sooner but then I don’t know when else would have been right.
I guess in your 20’s you don’t even think about fertility issues and I felt like we had ages. Plus we have a Lab so my maternal needs were being met lol! But yes, I regret it now. I tend to blame DH for taking ages to propose 😉

I didn't meet my partner until I was 39. Until then, I didn't want to have children with previous boyfriends.

Also, I'd already suffered a miscarriage which she had totally disregarded when making the statement about leaving it so late.

Plus, as someone who had struggled with fertility, thank you for asking on a forum rather than women in person because if fertility is an issue it is torture having to either explain or not explain xxx

We got married at 26 and had our first when I was 36 - it just wasn't something we'd considered doing until that point - too busy travelling, working, clubbing etc etc we didn't deliberately put it off we just didn't really consider it earlier.

People who have a child they can’t really afford and assume that they will live off the state bother me a lot. I find it irresponsible

These sort of statements bother me a lot. So would you suggest that all the women in poor African countries stop having children? I mean heck, they can’t “afford” it can they? At what stage can you “afford” children? Anyone can lose their job and become dependent on the state. Conversely some people are trapped unable to work, be that through disability, circumstance etc. Should they not have children either? Nobody should be priced out of having a child. No one. It’s fine to say you want to be in a certain financial position to give your family a certain type of life. But it’s not fine to say only people who attain this position have the right to have kids.

Congrats louH1981. Xx

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 31. After 5 years of testing, miscarriages and IVF I had my first DC.

Very silly question. Not everyone marries their first love (or lust) and not everyone gets pregnant at the exact moment they’d like.

There are many reasons. Everyone is at different stages in life at different ages to others. I was in my 20s and married when I had my first and divorced, in a new relationship when I had my second 3 months off being 40.

My sister and I had early menopauses (her in her late 30s, me in early 40s). My family was complete ten years previously so all good. Dsis had two boys and was vaguely deciding whether to try for another but again, no big issue. I sat DD18 down and explained that these things run in families (our mum died young so we had no warning) and would likely happen to her. I feel terrible for doing so and hope she doesn't feel overly pressured to start a family earlier than she's ready. But with people TTC so much later I'd feel worse if she missed out due to fertility declining earlier than expected.
Many people can conceive in their 40s. But many people can't.

I get why you asked the question OP, but you really should have been clear that you were referring to couples who were happy and settled yet chose to delay. Not to older mothers generally. If it helps, having read your own story, I simply can’t imagine anyone being able to convince me at 17 that having a baby was the right thing to do, because I planned to go to University, so knew at that time that no relationship would be forever. I don’t think it would have been possible for me to fall properly in love at that age in a way that would have changed my plans for my education. And you say that most of your friends has babies in their early 20s. Get this- I do not personally know a single person who had a baby under 29. Just wasn’t my social circle. We are all different.
My DS was born when i was 43 and we had to have IVF, but I only met my husband at 39 and we TTC pretty much within a year. I often think how awful it would have been had I fallen pregnant by any of my previous boyfriends. For me the right man was my top priority.

I met my husband to be at 26, we had a lot of fun and travelled around the world, lived abroad and all over the place. Couldn’t have done that as easily with kids and just wasn’t ready for them when I was younger. First at 37 and second at 40. I think it’s much more common these days as many folk have careers. I wasn’t even sure I wanted children until I got into my mid-30s. I wouldn’t change anything, I had a blast and was totally ready to be a parent when it happened but everyone is different. It was just never on my radar when I was younger. Xxx

@JazzerMcJazzer at the time I met exdp I was under the care system. It was very easy for a 15 year old to be swept of their feet by an older man - hard for some to believe but true. I was living with him as soon as I turned 16 and got back in contact with my mum just before having DD. It wasn't the right choice but it happened and I made the most of it. As my post states, why do people delay trying to conceive surely that doesnt need an interpretated meaning if I wanted to ask in general I'd ask why do women take so long TTC not delaying it all together. Honestly it's only people who have their backs up 24/7 who don't understand this.

They may not be delaying it. That might just be your perception. They might simply TTC at the point in time that they want to.

I had my only child dd (unplanned) at 21, she's now 24 and left home etc. For me 21 was way too young emotionally, I really struggled and found it very difficult coping with the shock of birth and afterwards. It didn't help that the I always felt I would have managed better if I'd been 10 or so years older.

@woolyhedds I know everyone choses the time that's right for them but as women do have a biological clock that inevitably does run out, it's interesting to know those who do delay TTC deliberately if they would of done things differently or just to hear their experiences. It's nice to get an insight to those who do things differently to others. I must be overly inquisitive, when a relative of mine came out as LGBT+ I was asking every question in the book! Probably thought I was off my rocker but I was genuinely interested in when they knew, how they found the courage to tell people etc etc. I LOVE hearing about people's lives, granted my job revolves around others and there lives I suppose it must be in my nature but this is the first time I've ever been flamed for asking a general question 😂

@doallmeerkatscomefromrussia my mum went through the menopause in her early 40s and my grandmother in her late 30s. Mum mentioned it over the years enough that I know extended fertility isn’t something to take for granted. I’m newly married and just starting TTC at 30 but it has focused my mind, for example I took a job 2 years ago that was quite a step up but I decided if I was going to ttc after my 30th I wanted to get that under my belt. Taking the job was a considered decision with many factors in mind but fertility was one.

It also focused my mind earlier than some friends about whether I wanted children or not, and my choice to settle down with a long term partner rather than playing the field a little longer. I may well have decided children weren’t as high a priority as say travelling or career, but it was my call to make.

All I mean to say is you are giving your daughter the freedom to make sensible choices so please don’t feel bad about it! I may well not have a menopause until I’m 60 but you can only make decisions based on the best info you have at the time and I’m glad my mother passed that info on.

It's all about priorities isn't it ? I got unintentionally pregnant at 27, I wasn't sure dp (now dh) was the perfect partner, career wise it wasn't great, I wasn't sure how we'd manage finacially. The one thing I was sure of was that being a mother was more important to me than any of that.

OP you should have phrased your original question differently.

I think/hope you meant - why do people who marry in their early twenties delay TTC?

Because clearly those who aren't married/are still waiting to meet someone they like enough/are flat out with their careers aren't going to TTC. You would have known that.

Interestingly it's as often older sperm as older eggs that cause developmental problems. Perhaps you should contact Mick Jagger - he seems to be TTCing in his mid Seventies!

I am not easily riled by questions but WHY ask this??? Especially without a reason stated except that you are superior to the rest of us?

I had my dd at 38 (dh was 40) BECAUSE we had 3 miscarriages and then infertility due to an infection from the miscarriages.

We began at 30. Expected to be finished at 35 and instead had ds at 35.

I glanced through your responses and you seem neither kind nor understanding. You asked a question in a provoking manner.

It was as if you are judging us. As many of us have had heartache and heartbreak. Years of both, plus the fear of never holding our babe.

Perhaps stating what makes you ask this question would make your question seem less judgey and abrasive.

@Catsinthecupboard as I said in my OP recently a couple I know who have only just started trying have now been told they will never conceive and it got me thinking. They're heartbroken. So I DID state a reason why. And no I will not be kind nor understanding when I've had words shoved down my throat and had to explain myself time and again for asking a simple question. I asked those who delay not those struggling which is quite obvious given the amount of times I've reiterated it. If I thought half of MN would struggle so much to perceive a standard question I would of added an interpretation along with an intro, thesis and conclusion.

Just realised I didn't make that clear in the OP although I did say some people I know who waited and had no luck but I did clarify in a PP if you.have RTFT.