To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

I'm not a precious little git stuck so firmly up my own ass that I couldn't possibly fathom someone wanting to know my life decisions without thinking they're some how taking the piss out of me?

oh wow

It obviously pays off to be a very young mother and show how mature you are!

I am curious I have to admit: if you chose to have children in your very early 20s, and your own child decide to do the same. Will you put your career on hold in your 40s to help out, or will you have finished with babies and young children and refuse to help out (or just give a few hours on a Saturday when you have some free time?)

OP - genuine question - do you find it hard to imagine some women aren't bothered either way about having/not having a family? Because I'd hazard a guess that a proportion of those late 30s/early 40s women you're talking about were privately ambivalent about kids, and left it till the last minute because other factors in their lives (work, relationships, sport/hobby commitments) felt more important, up to the point where it was now-or-never. I have several friends in that situation - some conceived and enjoyed parenthood, some didn't and weren't heartbroken that the decision was taken out of their hands by age.

There's still a lot of judgement towards older women who aren't mothers; they're often perceived as cold/ambitious/tragic/lacking. For some people me it's easier to let nosy parkers well-meaning strangers think you gave it a shot but age was against you than to say, I like children, but I'm quite happy with my life as it is, thanks very much.

Could say the same to many of yourselves, getting so triggered by a question bizarre lot it was a simple question that many of you lot have taken totally out of context and twisted in such a defensive way you would of thought I'd asked to see your medical records and proof of taxes!
Well I'm hoping my DDs don't have their first child as soon as I did, for the same reason I said in a PP I was resentful during pregnancy and suffered PND for a year after. But early 20s providing they are financially stable and in a safe relationship then of course I'd put a hold on my career and help. My DCs making their own dreams come true is all I would need in life.

If I could guarantee I could conceive easily at 38 I would definitely have waited. I’m not an optimist though so I would never wait that long even if there was no man available as I always wanted kids. I think some people are very optimistic and they are right most of the time.

some conceived and enjoyed parenthood, some didn't and weren't heartbroken that the decision was taken out of their hands by age

I think this is the thing. If you take OPs post in a general sense then yes I can see why people have got riled up. But I thought of OPs post in terms of those older women where it's clear they wanted kids and are devastated by a failure to conceive. In that scenario I see it as a more reasonable thing to ponder, why did they not try sooner? But of course you can't ask the person that and there may well be history you aren't aware of. But yes, in all honesty, when a friend of mine sadly suffered numerous miscarriages in her 40's trying for her second (she had her first late 30's), I did wonder why she had left it so late. Of course I would never say that to her and I did my best to support her. But it's seeing the devastation she went through that does make me think that if women want children, sometimes you may have to have them in less than "perfect" circumstances. If you know that not being able to have them will utterly destroy you. If you're not bothered then no it doesn't hurt to wait at all but if having kids is a priority, you need to make it a priority, if you are able to. Otherwise waiting those few more years can lead to devastation and heartbreak. So I do kind of see what the OP was getting at.

I would have loved to have had kids earlier but did not meet anyone who wanted children till i was in my 30s. Lucky for me both children were conceived easily. But i know others who have struggled.

Op, had you not had all the rare privileges you have detailed, ie, rent free, free childcare etc, would you still have taken the decision to have children at 24?

@Oppurtunityknocks but as my PP said I had my first DD in less than suitable circumstances, with a partner who only became violent once i was pg, to then suffer PND quite badly. It was only because I had been receiving support from a charity since i was a young teen that I began volunteering for, then by the time I was 19 was working on a proper salary. My DM was a God send for them early days of my career, but I have only been with my DH for 4 years (just about) and married for less than that. But yes even without the privilages I'd still most likely have children young (not the age I had my first DD at 17), maybe for the fact of having PCOS I wouldn't want to take my chances as I've always wanted a big family. After this baby I'm taking a career break to complete the brood after that I wish to work until retirement.

@asta19 I would never dream of asking anyone IRL, it's too much of a personal question. But as for MN where people happily talk about their failed marriages, sex life and who their postman is sleeping with its not the most outrageous thing to ask IMHO. I only wanted to know those who deliberately waited for their reasoning behind it just to be curious, not those who struggled. Which I've said so many times now but alot of PPs are picking and choosing which parts to respond to. I do genuinely feel sorry for the ones who have wanted children, waited till the "perfect time" to then struggle or not conceive at all. Just as I would feel sad for a younger woman who is told she will never be able to have children if that's all she had dreamed of. It's a terrible situation and soul destroying for some, I could never put myself in their shoes and I wouldn't want to. It's patently obvious I never meant those struggling or who didn't want children so I really can't understand why so many people are up in arms over it.

I actually remember a conversation with my ex when I was 29, we'd been together for a couple of years and said I would love to start TTC. Despite having previously said he wanted DC and was super-keen, he almost fell over in shock and said "I don't think we need to think about that for ages yet!" I said "Like when?" and he said "Not until we're at least 40." hmm

Well with some explanations of basic biology and the fact that I didn't agree, we ended up compromising on mid-30s. But the question for feature writers should really be "why are men so reluctant to start families when there's still a decent chance of pregnancy?"

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Only I didn’t want to compromise on mid to late thirties like he did as I knew I had fertility issues and I didn’t quite trust he would even be ready then and I wasn’t willing to wait for seven years being mad broody with my fertility diminishing on the offchance of having a baby in my late thirties with him. So we split up.

Met OH two weeks later, laid my cards on the table on the second date. Been together 2.5 years now and just started TTC, I’m 31 he’s 27.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said. In my own experience it’s NEVER been the woman choosing to wait when she could have been having kids in her twenties or early thirties. It’s ALWAYS been the male partner saying they’re not ready yet or an accident.

Men don't want kids anymore.

They don't have to commit or look after families.

So they have their cake and eat it.

Rubbish anotherday.

I think probably because it's an area where women are often judged no matter what they do. Some are told they're too young, some too old, if women don't want children they're judged. Some people even have fixed ideas on how many children women should have (seems to be one is not enough and ten too many!). So I think that can make some people more defensive in their responses.

Ultimately it's the way society is now that makes it very difficult to "responsibly" have a child at a younger age. I have older relatives who got married in their early 20's and were given 3 bed council houses within weeks. And in those days, plenty of people did live in council houses, so they weren't deemed as "scoungers" as some people think SH tenants are now! There were lots of areas of the UK where it was easier to get work back then too, where its a lot harder now. So I think by delaying the age where a young adult becomes "self sufficient" it's had a knock on affect on the age where those people then want to settle down and have children themselves.

I have brothers, only 1 reluctantly had a child, all the rest, no kids.

He adores him now though, and is his life.

I told my husband I wanted kids from the start, no messing about, he wanted kids too. I was happy to go sepearte ways if he did not want them .

His family go on about how I forced him to marry me and have kids!! F**ckers

PurpleDaisies

Rubbish? LOL I think you will find lots of experiences say otherwise

This is one of the least sensitive threads I’ve ever seen on MN.

A gazillion reasons as evidenced above. And how do you think those people who are struggling are going to feel reading this? Infertility is one of the hardest things you can go through. Please consider before posting.

Because lots of people are probably going through years of infertility or don’t want to tell people the ins and outs of their lives!

No idea other than it may be just a cultural change. 60/70s people had children in their early mud 20s. I had parents who were 44 and 46 when I was born and hated it. Too enshrined in their style of life and of course I was relatively young when they died. If I hadn't had children late 20s early 30s I was determined not to have any.

But early 20s providing they are financially stable and in a safe relationship then of course I'd put a hold on my career and help.

I hope you are not using your willingness to help as a way to control them so they make the "right" decisions. Maybe they'd need your help more if they weren't in a stable safe relationship.

My DCs making their own dreams come true is all I would need in life.

Do you mean, just so long as making their own dreams come true doesn't mean putting off having a child beyond their early 20s because they might be unlucky. And then you would have to feel sad for them. Some mothers hate feeling sad for their children so much that they wont let their children risk doing anything that goes off the path their mothers have planned out. Even if taking that risk is what lets the child make their own dreams come true.

Start separating your dreams from their dreams. You might have figured out your ideal age to have a child but that doesn't make it theirs.

I think people try to do what they consider to be the right thing and also to create a decent life. I think it’s sad that people believe the rhetoric of work work work be a good little member of society regardless of the personal cost.
I’ve found that people who have kids young work round it, have more energy to do it all and adjust better to having kids.

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Only I didn’t want to compromise on mid to late thirties like he did as I knew I had fertility issues and I didn’t quite trust he would even be ready then and I wasn’t willing to wait for seven years being mad broody with my fertility diminishing on the offchance of having a baby in my late thirties with him. So we split up.

Same here! Also split up. Best decision I ever made as it turns out he was never ready. He's in his 50s and never had any kids and is single again after a second divorce.

Some people, men and women, don't want kids but are too selfish and immature to admit it and instead try to string people along stalling.

I have several very good female friends now in their 50s who simply did not want children and yet were hectored by all and sundry and asked if they had fertility problems, had they considered adopting, all manner of rude and intrusive questions and are now so glad no one asks anymore but also get 'so sad you never had kids'. They're not sad!

My advice to my own daughters is to always be able to support themselves and if they want kids, be upfront about it and if you get a hemmer and hawer, you walk before you get too invested, plan to have them alone and never, ever compromise that desire for a man, because he can leave you and go off and sprog as long as he likes but you can't.

I had no interest in children until I met my second husband at 38 . I was almost 40 when I had my first son and the second 2 years later . No regrets at all as I loved my life before them and the time was just right as I was ready for a career change :)

Was too busy enjoying my childless existence and only started TTC at 38 because I was concerned I was getting on a bit. I conceived first attempt and had I known it would have been that easy, I’d have left it a couple of years. (Although it mightn’t have happened then, of course).

People who have a child they can’t really afford and assume that they will live off the state bother me a lot. I find it irresponsible.

I do genuinely feel sorry for the ones who have wanted children, waited till the "perfect time" to then struggle or not conceive at all.

That's quite ironic really because you seem to have decided that early 20s is the perfect age and everyone else is getting it wrong. A clue: most people who wait don't wait for the perfect time. They wait til the time is about right for them. Which might not be best chance for conception, because that is only one factor among many.

I don’t understand why people are reacting so strongly to this question. The OP didn’t suggest it was wrong- it’s not wrong!

I don’t have children yet, and it’s such a personal thing when to have them. DP and I have made the decision to TTC this summer and it comes with so many fears/worries. I’m not terrified of things I’d never even considered before!

There is no ‘one size fits all’ to having a family/ as long as you can have provide a good quality of life and plenty of love for a child you bring into the world, then do it whenever you like!

I just hate that society tries to tell you it’s not ok to have them young. Or that by trying for them later in life that you’re ‘selfish’ it’s bullshit!

Obviously you know the advantages/disadvantages of having them at different stages and make informed decisions based on that!

The only thing that upsets me is people who treat children as a ‘right’ rather than a ‘gift’ and make the conscious choice to bring a child into a terrible situation of poverty and struggle!