To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

@Mrex I had been with first DDs father from just before I turned 16, I didn't just meet him and pop a kid out. You missed the post where I explained he's a narc, he convinced me all good girls who love their partner give them a family and spent a good 18 months brainwashing me into believing it. Maybe every emotionally abused woman should "know better" by your judgement
@avocadodream yes to that. We don't follow "western culture" now, DH is from a different background, women get married young have a big family and usually live with in-laws for a long period of time.

I think this is a topic which needs to be treated very sensitively. A lot of women are delaying having children due to circumstances outside their control that they do not want to share and are devastated to be asked again and again.

I had no wish for children whatsoever until I met my DH late thirties. We now have 3 DC conceived naturally at 38, 39 and 41.

Advantages for me of having them late:

a) I have almost 20 years experience in a very high profile, well paid job. I now enjoy the luxury of being a sahm without the slightest envy of other mums careers, I am happy for them if they are happy.

b) I love being able to be home, eat home cooked breakfast and dinner with the children and to meet them at the school gates with a hug and a snack and hear about their days.

c) when the children are home they can share my full focus, I can help with any home work, project, get any props and help with costumes or baking or what they would like.

c) I can attend all parent meetings, sports fixtures, performances, help them rehearse and let them know how proud of them I am.

d) We don’t need to worry about tutors. Our oldest has just started secondary school and I have still not come across anything I cannot help with. This means it is free, we can do 20min here and there or skip it if they are tired.

e) In the evening I can talk to my husband, watch something on TV and get a good nights sleep instead of worrying about work.

f) I love to hear all about the children’s daily little triumphs and set backs and I can intervene early if they seem to be about to fall behind at school, have issues with a friend or want to discuss social media (my oldest wants instagram, I have explained in detail why she is not allowed and she accepts this completely.

I could go on and on. Some people have them early, some people have them late, some people cannot control when they have them. We all try to see the best in our circumstances. I would have been a terrible mum in my twenties and early/mid thirties. I am a good mum now in my mid forties. I am just a bit fed up with all this vilifying of older mums.

Younger mums may think I am old and have less energy. My former colleagues think I am crazy for giving up my career. I think I am incredibly lucky.

Well Miss Poppy you have answered your own question in your subsequent posts. You have got massive support (with housing, childcare etc etc etc) Of course why wouldn’t you have children when everything’s sorted for you in your mid to late twenties.

I had no one to help me with anything and I had my first at 26, we had just scraped to buy a shitty house in a shitty area, I had to fork out the full whack on childcare after maternity leave (£900pm at the time for one DC) so I could go back to my average job. It was bloody hard. Looking back I don’t know how I did it, there was zero help from anywhere.

In my early thirties it was such a different experience. More established, more mature, more secure financially.

I am afraid you are completely blind to your privilege, so used to it you can’t possibly understand why others don’t do it just like you can!

@myboiledeggistoosoft that's a good point with regards to being able to attend all events for your kids, I have missed alot of plays and special assemblies due to work commitments I understand fertility issues play a part which is why I only asked those who chose to delay TTC not the ones who struggled. My heart goes out to anyone in that position
Also yes I do wish I could give DD my undivided attention in the evenings and not to have work stresses, my job gives an hour therapy once a month but sometimes you can't help but mentally take the workload home, especially if youve been involved with the service user for quite some time. There is defintely pros and cons to both but it's nice being able to see how different life can be.

@Avocadodream I'm blind to my privilege? Well that's a crock of shit baring in mind in most of my posts I've explained how grateful and fortunate I am.

@MissPollyHadADolly19 - getting pregnant at 17 to someone you knew at 16 isn't taking your time, don't be ridiculous. I'd have every sympathy that you struggled until you start up a goady OP asking why everyone else doesn't have kids young like you did, followed by your tale of chaos and living off other people's money. You don't even seem concerned that there might well be more issues ahead for DD1, that your DM might not always cope, that the situation with PIL might change etc. You would be better looking in depth at your own life and getting some self-sufficiency.

A very good friend of mine says he is waiting to be in a full time and stable job before he has kids. Which to me makes perfect sense

I didn't "choose" to do it like this I just made the most out of my situation. I didn't sit and weep at how hard done by I was, how badly abused I was so to continue feeling sorry for myself. I volunteered for a charity that helped me then it became my career and now I earn from it, I got lucky with childcare and then meeting my DH. I could of just done what many others do and rinse the benefit system and complain sat on my arse. Nothing wrong with being proactive.

I married young but we weren't in a hurry to have children and had quite bohemian /studenty lifestyles. Got to 31 and thought hmm better start thinking about it, lost some weight, then had a breakdown (unrelated to weight/marriage/ttc) and spent 2 years in recovery, started ttc at 33 once off antidepressants, struggled to conceive, had tests, not ovulating, then got pregnant just before starting clomid and had DS at 36, started ttc again when he was 18m, had 6 miscarriages, had some investigations & procedures, lost weight again, took lots of vitamins, had DD at 41.

I guess there isn't a set reason - most of my friends married later but got straight into ttc and had babies before me. Perhaps marrying young I felt like I had infinite time and it was too easy to put it off?

MissPolly

You've said those who wait in your OP and then delay TTC in your post of 11.02 - so you are contradicting yourself there!

Have read a few of your replies and quite honestly I find your attitude and some of your replies condescending and none of other people's business and your attitude really angers me as an obviously fertile mum who has seemingly had no trouble TTC. if you are - as I was, in the situation of either not being sure whether you could conceive or not (as I did) or you don't meet the right man and then wonder about your biological clock ticking, as another poster said, people like you are quite like Daily Mail articles - which I read in my 30's, which in all honesty were depressing as hell re failing to have kids, dating etc.

I know of 2 friends of mine who TTC later - if that's the word - 35 etc - one reason one gave was her DH was 4-5 years younger than her so she wanted to wait until he was ready but also until they were settled in a career. She now has 3 DC and the third was a planned 'mistake' - she was in an unhappy and demanding job and decided to have a third child so she told me so she could be a SAHM and then childcare would be too expensive - she also quite wanted a third DC though. I also know (we are neighbours) that this has put a huge strain on her marriage as DC are 7, 5 and 2.5 respectively and the DH finds them hard work! The second friend concentrated on her career but also her DH was approx. 5 years younger so she wanted to wait until he was ready. Also both had issues re housing - buying a suitable property in London area. First friend/neighbour - her cousin TTC at 44, in a relationship, was 3 months pregnant and then had a late miscarriage - just hadn't met someone, not been in right career etc to TTC before. Another friend - TTC later on due to not meeting someone, got pregnant at 41 at had miscarriage at 10 weeks and is TTC but failing now. What more do you want to know?!

Due to politeness I'm not commenting on your situations.

@Mrex are you imagining things? Where in my OP does it say that? Where am I being "goady"? I asked people's reasons for delaying TTC, their sense behind it, does it affect them differently, do they wish they started sooner, etc etc. To gain insight on how different life can be. What is so goady about that?

also - as someone else mentioned - when I was younger and now - there are often quite a few Peter Pans e.g. men in their late 20's/30's who are loathe to settle down/have DC etc.

Quite a few men also who are affected by their own relationship failures or their parents divorces etc which makes them fear settling down - at least this is an excuse I have seen sometimes.

Those who wait to TTC in my OP, replace the word wait with delay and you have the same sentence I'm not highly fertile, I have PCOS the DD I'm carrying I got lucky. I know all too well the affects of infertility and I'm not asking those who have struggled to have DC only those who waited till later life. You don't like my replies? Well I don't particularly like being made into a villain. This is the internet everyone's got weird questions from time to time, if people don't want to answer then crack on.

**waited until later life through their own choice

I’m sure the OP meant deliberately choosing to delay conceiving as a couple rather than circumstances preventing it. Surely that is obvious.

I know couples who chose to do marriage first (fair enough) then thought they’d wait a few more years then wonder why they are struggling in their late 30s. Some people think they’re invincible. We do see so many women having children in to their 40s we think it’s easy and it really isn’t for many.

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 30. But we both kind of knew time was ticking even then. We delayed marriage and had DS1 at 32 and DS2 at 33. Didn’t even wait fo a a sensible age gap. However, I feel lucky as I was diagnosed with cancer at 34 and after chemo I doubt we’d have conceived.

So taking out all of those who haven’t met the right man etc. I do think the OP has a point that some couples do wait rather a long time until it’s convenient then struggle.
You do need to factor in the potential need for fertility treatment after potentially trying for a few years.

@Delatron exactly the point of my post, of course not those who have circumstances out of their control only those who made the conscious choice to wait. It was a genuine question out of curiosity. Nothing malicious, goady or to say they're wrong to wait. I only wanted to gain abit of insight.

My DstepM never struggled conceiving as such but had many recurrent MC and 1 stillbirth, it was heartbreaking really as she didn't meet my DF until late 30s so she was in a race against the clock. Thankfully she gave birth to my DBs 2 years apart but I still think she wishes she had more time to have more.

Still a goady post. I know exactly what you meant so don't try to backtrack now. Oh and FWIW anyone really thinking they're ready for motherhood at 17. Give your head a wobble.

try replacing 'women' in your OP with 'couples' if you're so concerned about them delaying/waiting TTC.

Again, none of your fucking business. And I hope for god's sake for the couples TTC that you know that you never dare let onto them your 'concern' re them TTC. They won't thank you for that concern.

Premature panic about fertility can lead to as many poor decisions as complacency about being able to conceive later on. I had a baby at the age of 33, partly because I was afraid it would be my only chance. I did not make a sensible decision about dc's father.

As it happens, it might have been my only chance, as I'm now 44 and haven't met anyone else to have a child with. There's no way of knowing if I would have done so if I'd decided to wait and not have dd. So, good decision or bad decision? No way to tell for sure, but on balance, I like being the mother of this dd, so I'll take it.

I’d have loved to have children but have never been able to afford it & still can’t.

I imagine that’s common, as well as not meeting someone they want to have children with until later in life.

Well I don't particularly like being made into a villain.
then don't ask such goady and judgmental questions

especially when the answer is pretty obvious, whatever choice you have made yourself!

Would starting a thread asking:
why do you rush TTC early in life when you are not financially or mentally ready to take a lifelong commitment without having experienced life first
would that sound like a genuine question or a very patronising, goady and ridiculous thread?

Because I wanted to have a partner to have a baby with and I was unlucky in love (as in, couldn't seem to find anyone interested in a long term relationship).

I’m sure the OP meant deliberately choosing to delay conceiving as a couple rather than circumstances preventing it. Surely that is obvious.

I know couples who chose to do marriage first (fair enough) then thought they’d wait a few more years then wonder why they are struggling in their late 30s

Why no, it wasn't obvious at all, hence why so many responses here found it goady. LOL @ judgement of couples who get married first! The pendulum has really swung, hasn't it? Shock, they got married first!

PLENTY of couples don't procreate not because they had the audacity to get married first (which I guess most don't, anyhow)!, but again, the same reasons: one of them, usually the man, isn't 'ready' to become a parent or the most common one: they cannot afford it.

And no, you don't need to factor in cost of fertility treatment because, again, such a shock, some couple's opt to remain childfree rather than try IVF. I'm 50 and know several couples who decided to remain childfree and don't see it as a huge disaster.

For both me and DH, no marriage before kids was a dealbreaker so we married at the registry house with only immediate family present and had lunch as Zizzi's after. Job done.

I would absolutely have HATED having kids in my 20s. I loved my 20s. I’m mid 30s now with a toddler and it was right for me to wait. I met the right guy and I grew up.

I know a woman who got married in her 20's and chose not to have children until late 30's because she wanted to be able to go out etc.

She had no problems getting pregnant and had her second child at 41. She told me she massively regrets not starting a family sooner because she would love a third but is now 42 and feels it's too late. She has 2 boys and would love a girl.