To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

Because I'm an apprentice age 24 after doing two degrees, I want to get to a good point in my career and be married and feel like I have a good position to take a couple of years off from work without sacrificing everything I've worked for. I'm right at the beginning of my career and feel like 6 more years is needed at least to get solidly locked into my career.
I'd like to start in my 30s because thats the compromise between bio clock and best position to be in for my kids.

Not hard to understand.

I believe you are 24, I don't believe you fully appreciate the benefits of waiting until you are in your 30s to have kids. I think you've made sacrifices that I haven't had to.

I travelled as much as I liked to some brilliant places for extended periods of time.
I live in the house I own.
I had freedom to go wherever because I waited to have children.
I have complete financial freedom.

@shadylady53 I know your pain. It’s gutting isn’t it?

But I’m here to tell you that you can have a wonderful worthwhile productive life as a single childless woman. The rest of the world conspires to try to make us believe we’re failures but that couldn’t be further from the reality.

Live your best life - it’s wonderful

Also some people don't meet a partner until late 20s, early 30s. Having met DP at 18 I could say that people having kids when they've been together 2 years is crazy but life doesn't work that way in life so it would be insensitive and close minded of me to believe that.

What do you mean about your daughter's passport @MissPollyHadADolly19, are you in some sort of conflict with your DD's father? Is he your DH and the father of your next DD or are there two fathers in the picture? Where are you living as you aren't in the house you own, what would happen if you were asked to leave? Who was your free childcare who can also cover weeks at time of you being abroad and are you sure they'll manage for this baby too? From your snippets it sounds chaotic and other people could pull the rug out from under you very quickly. This is why many people wait to have babies when things are stable in their lives, to try to avoid the kind of stresses you're wide open to.

@bobcatcornea sorry I should of made it clearer, the travel I've experienced isn't through work but without outting myself I'm a support worker of sort and have a very hectic schedule. Last year me and DH only went abroad twice but did roadtrips with DD to holiday camps in the UK. It's nice to see how different it would of been had I not of had DD from what PPs have said. The freedom of being able to up and go whenever sounds great. I know what you mean by the flight with DC though, when we went to Egypt on a night flight there was a toddler who was awake the whole time, me and DH had already travelled 3hrs to the airport and want to get some shut eye on the flight - obviously never happened!

National average childcare costs for 2018 are given as £217 per week (childminder) and £233per week (nursery). So that's c. £10,850 and c.£12,300 pa. per child.

@Ottessa gosh no never thought of that it's nice hearing others experiences. Don't know how many more times.i need to repeat that.
@Mrex if you've not RTFT then you won't see the part about DV between me and DDs father. He won't give consent for her passport. I met DH 4 years ago so yes 2 fathers in the picture but DD doesn't see her own. We live in a house PIL own so we are rent free until our mortgage is paid from the tenants in our own house. Childcare was half funded through my work then the other half my DM covered for me, DD is in full time school but if I'm working in the evening or weekend then DM is there. After this baby I'm taking a career break as we want to TTC again within the next year - ideally I want to finish my "brood" before my mid 30s so I can then carry on working until retirement once they're in school. I love my job so it's going to be abit heart breaking as I've been there since 16.

Those figures are for the UK.

@barbarianmum oh wow, never imagined it would be that much!! So you know the childcare vouchers some people get at their workplaces do they not bring that figure down? Even slightly? I definitely got off bloody lightly then.

Last weekend me and my partner randomly booked a holiday abroad for a few weeks time. No reason.. Just watching telly and scrolling through our phones and i saw it advertised so we thought 'why not'.
Last month on a friday night we decided to just pack up and go away for the weekend. Stayed in a luxury spa hotel wining and dining and shopping.

I've just arrived at work and hes just messaged to ask if i wanted to go to the cinema tonight with friends to see the new marvel film.

Next weekend me and my girlfriends are going to a hot tub cabin in the middle of nowhere to get drunk on proseco and gossip all night.

I own my own home with a tiny mortgage and have lots of disposable cash. I also have a professional career earning a very good salary and job security.

Were in our twenties and love our life!! We definitely want kids but not until our thirties. When i have kids i want to give them my absolute all and not be resentful about it. My twenties are for me. I go abroad 3-4 times a year at the drop of a hat, lie in on weekends and have an immaculate house. When/if the time comes to have children, they'll be 100% wanted and i won't feel resentful at nomore spontaneous nights out or holidaying in a family resort type holiday or not spending £500 in a weekend on crap. I've consciously decided my twenties are just for me and very much enjoying it!

Also all of my friends are also a similar age and in professional jobs and dont have kids/marriage yet either. So perhaps its who you surround yourself with that also has an impact. I just know for a fact it wouldn't be possible to have kids and continue this lifestyle so I'm more than okay with waiting a while.

@gamechanger12e3 that's amazing, can see how having DC would hinder that if that's your lifestyle. I do regret feeling resentful when pregnant with my first DD because of the circumstances, I had terrible PND and wanted to be at work 24/7 to avoid her. Luckily after she turned 6 months I stopped working until she was 1, more for my own mental health and to re-bond. I do wish it had been an exciting experience that I could look back on though, hindsight is a wonderful thing unfortunately.

I already have two children, first at nearly 30 second at nearly 32. Was with my husband 10 years before we had a child and I just didn't want children until I was in my 30s, I wanted to have a bit of a child free life, have a house and drive before I had kids. I would have waited a little longer than I did but my husband is 10 years older than me. I would love another baby and I am 40 now. Gordon Ramsey and his wife are expecting another baby, he is in his 50s and his wife in her 40s!

And YY to who you surround yourself with. I never was into the drinking/party lifestyle so it was never something I missed or wanted. Most of my friends became parents between 20-22, some successful some I could look at and think how on earth do you manage lol.

Honestly, when all is said and done, having kids is a choice just like any other. It's not mandatory. Some people want them when they're in their 20s, some in their 30s, some in their 40s, some not at all. Barring specific circumstances, that's really all there is to that.

It sounds as though you have an unusual set up OP. I don't think most people have the level of childcare and financial support from parents that you do. We get a few hours a year childcare from PIL a year and that is it and we certainly can't go on holiday's without DS (admittedly I wouldn't want to but if I did it wouldn't be possible).

I wondered what my life would of been like had I waited, from most of the replies I'm guessing not that much actually.

By late 20s we'd finished our education and I'd gone into a high paying sector and saved like mad - and that got us the bulk of the house deposit. I didn’t do the traveling people are talking about, but the savings gave us a solid start to family life.

We still had to move round the country for work reasons, but the children were young enough to minimise disruption to their education.

Couple of years earlier would have had a huge impact for us – mostly negative.

We possible could of waited a few more years – but I can see downsides there as well as it is we'll have few years to pay mortgage down and add to retirement funds when children should be independent.

Because I wasn't in a decent, stable, non toxic, non abusive relationship until I was 28. We married 2 weeks before I turned 31 and now I'm almost 33 and struggling to TTC.

Should I have had a baby in a past relationship which would have been toxic for both me and the child?

I made the choice to wait until my life was stable, sadly this also means we are now struggling and my DM will never meet my DC (should I conceive) as she died 3 months before we married.

There is no such thing as a "perfect time" to have children, but it doesn't stop people wanting to wait until they are financially stable, or married because most people wants to create "perfection" before bringing a child into the world

@emrysatticus it's not completely unusual for alot of the women in my community to either stay with PIL while saving or while their own house gets paid off. Although before DH it was abit harder as I was the only bread winner and private renting, I'm on a comfortable wage with savings but it was difficult knowing if anything goes wrong I'm in the shit and I'm the only one to pick up the pieces.

@msSquiz I agree 100%. Anyone who has experiences an abusive relationship 9 times out of 10 doesnt see the abuse until it's too late. If my DDs father had been violent to me before becoming pregnant then not in a million years would I of stayed, but the bastard waited until I was 3 months pregnant to become violent. It still took my 6 months after to LTB though, just feel sorry for DD for sharing DNA with him.

My 20’s were EPIC! I lived in Asia, travelled, partied, my career and the stuff I got to do in work were amazing! I met my DH on the party/travel/expat circuit. We married after 6 yrs together when I was 31 and now have moved home to our dream house (smallholding, beautiful house in great location) near family and had 4 kids (no twins) by 36😂. It’s been a whirlwind but the emotional security, financial security and memories I have already at this point make me very very grateful for the choice I made not to have a baby in my early 20’s. I love my husband and kids and have no stress in my life other than 4 little ones driving me insane😅 It is HARD being a parent even in fantastic circumstances so I am hugely grateful for the privilege of doing it in a stable relationship with as much money as we need. Of course I would have managed in tougher circumstances but I didn’t want to. And I was afraid I couldn’t be the mum I wanted to be if I’d had a baby with my ex. I’d have been financially dependent on a man who called me a bitch regularly. My kids would have called me the same in that environment. It would have been so easy to go ahead with him but I’m beyond glad I didn’t. I was so young emotionally and mentally, even in my later 20’s. Though it’s been having kids that has overwhelmingly made me more mature and wise about the world so that may have happened sooner if I’d had them earlier.

I just hope my kids make their own lives as easy as possible for themselves too. And having babies, no matter what age you are narrows your choices/leaves you vulnerable but having them older at least gives you a shot at hedging those risks.

Its different strokes for different folks i think.

I am acquaintances with 3 girls a similar age with kids. They regularly do soft play, caravan holidays or trips abroad to child friendly places. They wouldn't be able to come to the cinema tonight unless they plan a week or 2 in advance for childcare. They all rent their homes due to having kids young and don't have money to blow. 1 of them is single can't go on dates or spend her evenings doing a hobby or seeing friends due to lack of childcare. However that type of thing isn't their life priority and it doesn't have to be. Its not necessarily a bad thing, just different. They seem happy with their lot and I'm happy with mine.

So long as your happy!

@happyspud yeah living and working abroad with kids is really not an option lol. Funnily enough when I was pregnant I had the opportunity to run a workshop in Milan for the organisation I work for, at the the time I actually forgot I was expecting and put my name down to be put forward, my general manager had to remind me of my condition oops. Of course when I was younger I never made my life goal to become pregnant at 17 with an abusive partner, but I feel I have definitely made the most of my situation with resources available to me. But I have been extremely lucky in my circumstances, definitely not the rule. I certainly won't be advising my DDs to start families at the age I was!

@MissPollyHadADolly19 - you were given a house, your employer pays 50% childcare costs and your DM is able to provide 50% childcare. Most people have to make their own way in the world, it's very odd for you to question their choices unless you just wanted to boast about what you've been given.

With your first partner, you jumped in much too fast; of course you couldn't know him when you were only 18, you didn't take any time to get to know him. You would barely know yourself at 18. You were old enough to know better however and should tone down the helplessness for when your DD grows up. You don't want to be selling her the idea that it's good to have a baby young with the first man who turns up even though she doesn't know him, or the cycle risks repeating itself.

Because of Western culture where women are expected to manage alone and shoulder all of the physical and emotional demands on their own. We are stuck in our houses, overwhelmed, lonely and having suffered a great shock to our system in all respects. While men carry on as normal more of less and ‘help’ when they get home late in the evening.

Cultures where women have children in their late teens/twenties (best health-wise) is where they don’t do it alone, the extended family/community are very involved, women don’t feel like they are chained to the children, they get a break, they can leave children with someone and go out etc whenever they want. So motherhood doesn’t have the same impact/ restrictions on their lives. They are not expected to support themselves, too, into the bargain AND have a career AND be a perfect mother AND have a show home.

I can see why women aren’t rushing in to have children in the West. They are aware of the impact and want to prepare or at least minimise the force of the impact. Don’t blame them. Blame the men who don’t support their partners (I don’t just mean financially) and wider society which makes it so hard.