To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

In my experience, with couples who look ‘ready’ on paper, it’s the man delaying, not the woman.

I also think that if women want a career, it’s sensible (in career terms) to climb as high as possible before starting. This gives you more choices and more freedom. It’s very, very difficult to ‘climb’ in many professions when there’s a nursery pick up to attend to at 5.30.

The thing about fertility is that there’s no way to tell before you start. I’ve known women conceive their first with ease at 42 and go on to have another. I’ve also know 28-30 year olds who took 10 years to have a baby.

Personally i conceived my first at 32 straight away, then took more than a year to conceive my second at 36. So in my case I’m glad I didn’t delay further. But other women have had the reverse situation.

"'Twas", "pitchfork", "ladies", "precious marbles"; it's like irritating language bingo (not to mention the grammatically skew-whiff "TTCing" in the title). Assume the whole thread was a wind-up?

@LaurieMarlow completely agree with regards to career. Some younger parents are fortunate in the aspect of childcare but that's more the exception than the rule, most give up work or career goals to parent their child. Where as if you've already accomplished what you need to then that worry is reduced I guess. I was lucky the career path I chose allowed for childcare and flexibility but the mental strain was harder by far.

I am the one delaying it. Why?
Because my "biological clock" are broken I and just have absolutely no desire to push another human being out of my fun parts. I am in my 30s.

Also... Money. God it's horrifying to read how much children cost.

It's not hard for me to comprehend why people want kids, even when they are young, but IME it's very hard for people to comprehend why people don't want kids. On a positive side, when you have been married for years and turn the big 30, people gradually stop asking, because they assume something is wrong and don't want to cause upset.

@Burritofan oh shit I didn't realise this was an access to Mumsnet course. Ill revise better next time! Nope but from the precious MN replies the place hasn't changed one bit

@OftenHangry - the cost isn't much for a newborn, alot of new mum's are lead into a false sense of security with that, it's when they reach school age the funds start to dwindle. I wondered what my life would of been like had I waited, from most of the replies I'm guessing not that much actually. Just maybe my first DD would of had a better father but everything else would still be similar with regards to career, travelling etc.

You seem to have left childcare bw ages 1-4 out of your estimations of cost misspolly.

I enjoyed going from one party to the next all weekend long in my 20s. Not something you can do with a child at home. Started being too tired to do this anyway in my 30s.

If I’d have met the right person, was ready to start ttc very young. From 19 onwards.

I’m 35 and no one has, so far, wanted a child with me or wanted to commit to me. That’s the reason, nothing else, and it’s heartbreaking.

Society needs to stop blaming delayed motherhood on women. Responsible women want a willing partner/stable finances before starting a family. Why are there so few articles about the indulgent laddish man-child stage lasts so long these days, thereby delaying motherhood for many women.

This. With bells on.

Ds was born in my late 30s but we had been trying for 5 years and those difficulties would have present whatever age we had him. Ds is severely disabled ( again not my age related) and having him later meant we have time to buy a house, build up savings and have a higher income than if we had had him when I was younger. I am not able to work at the moment but I had a career that I could go back to and my experience gained in that career has helped my son.

Didn’t meet husband until 26. Neither would have had children before marriage . Husband wasn’t ready until we were 31 .

everything else would still be similar with regards to career, travelling etc.

good for you, can you not understand this doesn't apply to everybody?

My kids life would have been very different if we had them younger, they would be missing out on a lot of opportunities - they wouldn't be in the same school for a start because we wouldn't have been able to afford our current area.
I would have missed out on having accomplished a lot of things I wanted and enjoyed my 20s.

There's no reason to be so judgmental towards other people, unless you are so insecure in your own choices you try to put people down to validate your decisions.

met dp at 17 & 19, spent a few years doing uni, travelling, working, saving/spending money, moved in rented house together at 22 & 24, and saved as much as possible. Bought our first house together at 25 & 27 dp furthered his career, and I stayed in my long term job as it paid well as was relatively easy (with flexible hours meaning we could get a dog!) so we could continue going on nice holidays and saving money. Decided to try for a baby at 27 & 29 and got pregnant straight away. 2 years later had dd2, and bought bigger house. We're 32 & 34 now with 2 preschool children, and I feel we were in a great position to have children in our late 20s, and very very fortunate for that. If I could change anything I'd probably have had our first a year earlier, and had 2nd a bit sooner too as we would have liked a 3rd baby, but would have wanted them all close together in age. And I'm now keen to get back to working more hours once the dc are in school, and having a 3rd would delay that.

I don't think it's fair for people speculate that "women" who have babies when they're older are always doing so for selfish/silly reasons. Usually the choice is either out of their control, or they've made the conscious decision that being an older parent is the right choice for them for various reasons. Which is entirely reasonable. I think there is alot of pressure on women these days to "have it all" with regards to career, house, partner, children, and sometimes this isnt feasible so I guess then you have to think about your priorites. You CAN start a new career/get married/buy a house in your 40s, having a baby can sometimes be alot harder and occasionally not happen at all for those who wait longer. But that's up to the individual to decide what is right for them.

I also don't think its fair that alot of people think anyone that chooses to start a family before their 30s are irresponsible, don't care who they have children with, aren't bothered about working etc. I hope my experience proves that. I know I was very fortunate to find my dp at a young age and we had the same thoughts regarding buying a house, gaining financial security and prioritising to start a family, while we were still fairly young, but I don't think we're that "unusual"... In my 1st antenatal group, bar one young mum of 19, and one older mum of 36, the other 8 of us were all between 26-30, and all in similar positions with regards to owning houses, havubg long term partners and jobs. And when taking dc to preschool I'd say most of the mum's are a similar age to myself, so probably had their first child in late 20s.

@barbarianmum I never had those costs as my childcare was covered. But please share as I'm rubbish at estimating.
@ShadyLady53 not being able to start TTC is different to making a choice not to, the question isn't based around circumstances out of your control

Well, in my case it is not so much 'delaying motherhood' as can't get pregnant! It would be lovely to be one of those lucky people who fall pregnant within a year or, even better, a few months of deciding to have a baby.

I've been 'trying' since my late 20s. I will have been ttc for 6 years later this year and still nothing. Infertility is a bitch.

No partner sadly so I’m saving and working hard so when I’m 40 and still single I can go it alone.

I delayed until 38 because I hadn't met anyone I wanted to have a child with. Once I did we were lucky the first month we tried. No luck since.

the cost isn't much for a newborn, alot of new mum's are lead into a false sense of security with that, it's when they reach school age the funds start to dwindle

I'm pretty sure DP and his ex-wife's costs were a lot higher with a newborn (well very young baby anyway) than with his now school age child. For the vast majority of people childcare is damn expensive for a small baby.

As for everything being the same post DC re travel etc I really don't think that's the case for a lot of us. Years ago DP and I went on spontaneous trips abroad, camping etc. If we had a child together, especially in our current situation with me going back to uni, we'd barely be able to afford our bills & childcare let alone trips away. Not to mention there's no way I'd personally feel comfortable taking a newborn on a several hour flight.

I call bs on being 24 and believing that it's not much different than having kids in your 30s.

Travel to me means regular long trips to far away places. You travel to far away places with your children and not to a resort?
Do you own your own house at 24?
Have a well established career that can pay fully for you and your children without living paycheck to paycheck?
Total financial independence?
Savings?
You can go out whenever you like to wherever you like?

If that's true you are in the minority of people.

I'm 25 and would love kids right now. My reasons are:

1. We live in a small rented flat, and want our next move to be a purchase, not another rental. We're still a few grand off our deposit (very expensive area!) and I don't think now is a good time to buy RN.
2. I hate my job and can't face staying in it another year to get their maternity money. I would like to retrain in another career path, but it will be a choice between college or baby!
3. We're not married yet (not long now!)

Basically, we want stable careers, housing and relationship before having kids. I do feel like I've done the whole travelling/partying thing though, I wouldn't miss the "freedom" aspect.

@oppurtunityknocks how is it hard to believe I'm 24? Had DD in 2012 aged 18, will be 25 when this DD is born. Not hard to understand. The travel I've experienced is without DD, she will unlikely be leaving the country until she's 16 when she can apply for her passport without consent from her father. Within the limits of my career I've not been able to travel as often as I've liked but as I said although I've not been with my DD you can't just come out of mum mode whilst away.
The only thing from your list I don't do is own a house that I live in, we recieve rent from mine and DHs property but we will only live in it ourselves when the mortgage is paid off. Oh and obviously can't go wherever I like whenever but that would be the same at any age. As I already said I know I'm the exception and not the rule to young parents.

@holyforkingshirt it's expensive to buy these days even in the really crap areas! I was never interested in the party lifestyle, once you've had one night out you've had them all and the nolvety soon wears off. Although for some its the highlight of their week, different strokes I guess!

@MissPollyHadADolly19 travelling with work is very different to travelling for fun. I was on a flight to the states not so long ago and a couple had a very young baby. They spent most of the flight standing up with the baby trying to soothe them. Selfishly I thought oh gosh I'd hate that for myself right now as I just want to sit here and watch a tonne of movies / read in peace. And that's just the flight. Not to mention all the extra things you'd have to carry, the added expense, change to location of holiday accommodation and itinerary, possible reduction in the length of time away etc. I spent one of my days in the states travelling for 8+ hours to spend 6 hours in a city. I just couldn't do that with a baby in tow. But unless you are the kind of person who loves travelling for fun, maybe you would think post DC is the same in that respect.

Has it occurred to you that some women choose to delay having children is because they don't want the kind of life you are describing on here, OP?