To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

MissPollyHadADolly19
you misunderstand my point.
You might think they are delaying, whilst in fact they are struggling with fertility and baby loss. Can't you understand that's it's easier to say: I don't want kids, than having to explain your private life in details?

And if people chose to delay, what is so hard to understand?
For any normal parent, life change drastically when you have a child. You don't suddenly stop being a parent when they reach 18 either, it's a lifetime commitment if there's one!
Why is it so hard to understand that some people are ready later for that change?

@Ottessa
Spot on

Why are you focusing only on the women OP?

In my experience, I was ready in my late 20s but no man I had a relationship in my 20s and 30s was interested in starting a family. They ran for the hills if you mentioned children.

I think there are many unhappy women suffering from a generation of Peter Pans.

And OP your questions and comments are quite judgemental. Odd, given your own life story.

Because I decided "wait until the end of my biological clock" and not marry someone just for the sake of settling in order to have kids at the "right". Some people aren't lucky enough to meet people very young.

Educated professionals tend to wait longer because they have a longer path towards qualification and early years of their careers can be so demanding time wise that a family just doesn't fit in. Having a baby within the first 5 years of my career would have been a complete disaster, and I started working at 23 when I finished my post-graduate qualifications. I got married at 29 and was one of the earliest among my group of friends.

I met DH at age 20 we got married 13 years later we both did uni courses whilst full time working and then moved on up with our careers we never said no to children but never felt ready. Lots of travelling and at 38 we decided it was now or never first month of trying and I was pregnant. 2 years later on my 40th I said I wanted another baby it took 2 months to get pregnant with not a lot of trying. So glad we left it, we are in a much better position financially which has given us lots of choices. For some people it's difficult for many varied reasons to get pregnant for others it's relatively easy never mind the age.

Most of the women I know in their 20s and early 30s have no interest in motherhood. With children, you'll have to sacrifice your career (or at least a part of it), you won't be able to go on spontaneous trips abroad, and there are just a lot more restrictions such as not being able to go on midnight supper drives, overnight cycling marathons, weekend golf trips etc.

Children are a massive commitment and it'll be selfish of me to have them when I'm at a stage of my life where they won't be a priority.

the couple I know have really struggled to come to terms with never being able to have children of their own

What's to say they wouldn't have had trouble TTC if they had started when they were younger?

There's a BIG difference between having sympathy because they're TTC and struggling, and feeling sorry for them because you patronisingly feel they should have started earlier.

Your posts come across as entirely judgmental.

Oh that's right it's better to sit and judge silently than to openly ask a question so you can gain an insight.

It’s not my job to help you with your insight.

I personally find, ‘I was just curious’ a lame arse cover for I’m being nosey.

Do you really need people to spell out why they had children or didn’t try for children until they were older? For someone so ‘curious’, you appear to have a stunning lack of imagination.

I liked my life pre children. Having a child didn't complete me and I'd have been just as content in life without children as I am with. I knew that from an early age and my feelings haven't changed even after having children. There would have been no reason to pity me either way. You need to stop projecting your feelings on to other people and their choices.
Mine are teenagers now, I'm very close to them and adore them but I have friends and a sister who never had children and they have fulfilling lives too.

@t@Readytogogogo

It also takes a man to conceive a child.... many of whom are keen to postpone parenthood.

Not if you conceive by sperm donor as a single parent

I think what everyone else does around you is a factor too. DH was 22 when we got married and 24 when DS was born which is of course crazy young by modern standards. However he comes from an Evangelical Christian background where early marriage and children is normal. Of his group of four church childhood friends they all got married within 12 months of each other and only one couple doesn't have at least one child at this point.

The 35 thing is a myth, it's based on some ancient survey of French peasant farmers or something like that. Yes of course as you approach menopause you ovulate less reliably and eggs become more likely to present chromosomal errors but it's not a cliff edge as is commonly thought. The main reason not to delay is because if you do have problems with fertility there can often be a lengthy wait for referral to specialist services.

The reality is around 15% of couples will have fertility issues, sometimes people falsely attribute their conception problems to age when really they are having issues they would have done at any age. 1 in 3 women will experience a miscarriage in her lifetime. Age can be a factor but sometimes it is simply bad luck.

Also, there is only about a 20% chance of conception any time you hit the fertile window and there is no difference in your chances if you have sex during this period once, three times, ten times. The only difference is that if you're having more sex you're more likely to hit the window, as it is not always easy to identify exactly where it is and you can't rely on counting. So even for healthy couples it doesn't always happen immediately. On average it takes about 3-4 months but that means that for every couple who conceive straight away or as a one off, there will be one for whom it takes 6-8 months, and remember that's hitting ovulaton perfectly every time, which doesn't always happen so could be more like 9-10 - when nothing is wrong. But again people can interpret this as age making it take longer. It might be a factor but it also might just be luck.

The story you get in sex education about fertility really isn't the full story. In fact even many people who have children or wish to have children are unaware of the facts. I only learned about them years later when TTC DC2.

*I think what everyone does around you is a factor too
*
Not for me it wasn't. but I've never been one to follow the herd.

Loved having my children young, we are still very close though my eldest is away at Uni we're always in contact. You never know how long you'll live but I like the thought of being around them as long as possible.

Now early 40s and planning extensive travels again, which the DC have decided they're partly joining among their own plans.

I wouldn't worry about doing what society expects of you, do what's right for you I say.

I didn’t make any conscious effort to delay having kids. I just wasn’t interested in having kids in my 20s. Far too busy at uni, student life, having fun, going out with friends. I had a blast. Met my DH in my 30s and within a few years we decided we’d like kids.

From your update OP it’s quite clear you should have waited to start TTC. What a sad story.

I never met anyone worth having children with until I was 33, but we lived in different countries for a couple of years.

Men often don’t want to become fathers in 20s/ early 30s.

It sounds like the OP is trying to justify what happened to her by pitying those who made a conscious decision to start their family when they were ready.

I didn't meet a man decent enough to procreate with until I was 34.

I'm very very glad I waited.

I can understand why you feel like this if you thought 35 year old women had a 10% chance of conceiving! Now you know that’s bollocks do you feel differently?

surely it’s really none of your business why someone decides to have a baby when they want? Why do you feel you need to know their reasons other than they wanted to wait?

@NCforthis2019 surely this is MN where nothing is no one's business and if they want to reply then they shall.