To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

Unfortunately the narrative women have been fed through the press for years is that even if you have left it late ivf will create you a baby- alas too many women are childless because ivf doesn't have a good success rate! Fertility should be part of pshe at school delaying motherhood beyond the teen years is good, but it has an end date too!

Could you really not imagine what might make someone wait to TTC?

Could you maybe perhaps imagine how hurtful your comments might be for those women struggling to conceive, which is one of the most painful and heartbreaking things to endure? But of course, it's all their fault for not TTC at 21.

I hadn't even had sex at 27. It was deeply upsetting and humiliating for people to start cheerily asking about babies.

that was a very judgmental question, not helped with the "I can't help but feel sad" patronising add-on!

As pps have said, it’s about personal circumstances and a little bit about choice.

I had dc1 at 31. I’d always thought I would be younger when I first became a mum, but it didn’t work out that way. Annoyingly for me, I sort of have the worst of both worlds because I didn’t really work on my career before dcs, (although I do have a degree and did some travelling etc, so really can’t complain), but I also will be getting on a bit before the children are old enough for me to really throw myself into a ‘proper’ career.

I really don’t think there’s an ideal time to start ttc. And being a mum of lots of dcs with no career to speak of would be very scary for me. I have two and I find it pretty scary. Obviously, I wouldn’t trade my dcs for a fabulous career, but it really concerns me that I would struggle to pay bills on my own if I had to. If I’d focussed more on my career before I had them, maybe that wouldn’t be such a worry.

As an example I have self harm scars and I enjoy answering questions about them when people ask because I like giving people an insight to my life experiences, but I also know other self harmers who would be livid at the thought of answering questions! My point being if people want to answer a question brilliant, if not there is no obligation to. As for my post and all the precious patsys getting their undies in a twist - no one is forcing you to answer if you don't want to then scroll on its not a do or die!

By mn and this threads standards I was a fairly "young" mum at 28, almost 29 BUT we'd started ttc/stay pregnant from I was 24. I have endo and had multiple issues that meant dd didn't come along until then, people who THOUGHT they knew me well commented they were surprised I'd waited so long (I was always "baby daft" and a nanny before I was a mum plus loads of babysitting etc), but these people didn't know about the mc, surgery, medical treatment etc I'd had to deal with before dd came along.

As I'm now divorced and ex has turned out to be a shit dad I've had criticism on here and in real life, but I'd been with him nearly 5 years before we married, there was no indication whatsoever he would turn out to be a lying, cheating, deadbeat piece of shit! He was incredibly supportive of my medical issues and very keen to be a dad, his own family and close friends he's had since primary/early high school age were completely shocked (I swear it hit a few harder than it hit me!!) at his behaviour. Prior to us splitting he was critical of deadbeat dads and even fell out with one friend for fiddling child maintenance. Sometimes you get completely blindsided!

My friends vary greatly in when they first became mothers, from teens to 40's, but to be honest not one of those I'm close enough to know was it really "career" or "money" (which is not to say these are perfectly valid reasons just my experience) it was primarily 1 of 2 reasons

1 not meeting/being with the right person (couple of abusive twats, thankfully my friends are now away from them, few idiots who did that crappy thing of postponing indefinitely then sodding off with a younger woman and almost immediately having children with them having basically wasted most of my friends' fertile years, gay couples who were wary of how hard/expensive it would prove for them to achieve parenthood...)

2 They have actually been wanting/ttc for several years but various health issues have made it difficult. Multiple mc, fertility issues, ill health (inc cancer) but they're understandably not necessarily making this public knowledge if they can avoid doing so.

One friend has had a lot of shitty criticism for having a large gap between her 2 from people who don't know her well enough (and therefore should keep their traps shut!) to know that her and her husband were ttc from when eldest was just 1 but they had problems with secondary fertility and then several mc. They'd actually have loved a closer age gap but it didn't happen for them.

I've had crappy comments in the past about having an "only child" from people who don't know that due to medical reasons I couldn't risk another pregnancy.

Fact is you don't know people's reasons and nobody should judge a persons choices on such a deeply personal matter.

There seems to be a perception that fertility issues, mc etc only affect older mums when it really isn't the case. It's more that women with fertility/gynae issues as a result of this don't become mothers till later.

There are huge problems with gp's and even gynae's fobbing women with gynae issues off for DECADES. So not only are the problems not DX or treated they worsen in that time, which can include reducing fertility, they're not being treated.

It took 14 YEARS until I was DX and that was the ave for endo at that time, it's currently around 7-8 YEARS. Sufferers of other conditions will be more aware of the stats on those but I believe (happy to be corrected) that pcos is around the same. I'm afraid I don't know for other issues.

@PinkMarshmallowCardigan guessing you've not RTFT or infact the actual question? To ask why people delay TTCing not those struggling to TTC.

@theorganisedmum do you want to finish the end of the sentence.. I can't help feel sorry for the people I KNOW. Or did you just stop reading before getting to that part?

and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck

I can finish your sentence, my point stands. It's not a pleasant way to describe it as "the end of your biological clock".

As already said (many times) you don't even know if they have been delayed or have been unsuccessful. Many women around you have suffered early miscarriages, late miscarriages, still births. Most of these women will not tell you about it.

Some people had better things to do than having a baby - it's not really your business. You have more than 250 posts giving you perfectly valid reasons not to have a baby in your 20s.

Fear of childbirth in my case. I had to work through a lot of anxieties around pregnancy and motherhood before I could start TTC. And we were also broke in our 20s anyway! In the end, after one miscarriage, I had DC1 at 33 and DC2 at 36.

I didn’t meet DH until my thirties. I wanted also to be on the housing ladder. Plus my parents had me in their late teens and were divorced by their mid 20’s, that was enough to put me off early motherhood. And I did some travelling.

took that long to meet DP

Another perspective for you OP. I grew up in a dysfunctional neglectful home and repeated the pattern in my early relationships with a series of abusive partners. Something in me told me to be extra careful with contraception throughout my 20's and early 30's. And I was right. Thank GOD I did not have children with those men. After 7 years of therapy I learned who I really was. I slowly learned to love myself and realise how to love others- including opening up to the possibility of being a mum myself one day. This took until I was nearly 40. I then met a fab partner and got married. TTC now and hoping time hasn't run out for my second chance.
I know your original post wasn't intended unkindly, it was just a question. I have, though, felt upset and aggrieved when I've read Daily Mail type articles suggesting older women are always putting their careers before babies. The truth is often far more complex and difficult.
The last taboo seems to be the many complex reasons behind a women not having children.

Well, OP, given that apparently you enjoy discussing your self-harm scars as a teaching opportunity, and you’re happy to express your bafflement and incomprehension at people who choose not to prioritise having children, why don’t you contribute to the sum of knowledge by telling us why you had a baby at 16?

Which seems to me a far odder decision than having a baby at 38.

In hindsight travelling without the extra worry of having DC would of been nice, even though I've been very fortunate to still been abroad a few times even without DD on a few occasions but you never really leave "mum mode".
@theorganisedmum but it is the end of their biological clock, how else can I describe it when it's a fact and does my question not state, why do people delay TTCing? Not why do people struggle with fertility, MC or still births? Surely people can't possibly be THAT stupid to think I'm including those in the question? I asked those who CHOSE to wait for their reasons why, to gain understanding of their choice and the benefits or downfalls to it. Like I said if someone doesn't want to answer then jog on, if like myself they enjoy sharing their life experiences and being asked questions then go ahead! Is it that bloody difficult.

I didn't have a baby at 16 though? Goes to show how poorly you read posts @Ottessa pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. Was in my first proper relationship with an older narcissist, after 2 years he told me I was selfish for not wanting to make him a father and that if I loved him I would because that's what good girls do when they're in love. So he convinced me we needed to have a child to be a "proper family" so that's what we did, 3 months into the pregnancy that's when the DV began, DD was 6 months old when I had the courage to LTB. Met my current DH 4 years ago, now pregnant with DD2 and couldn't be happier

Oh also to mention I had my PCOS used against me, because "it's the leading cause for infertility in women" so I'm told..

Because they have more interesting things to do?

Was in a relationship, mortgage etc 18 til 24, had an epiphany that this wasn't what I wanted so effectively started again when I "should" have started having kids. Had a few years of enjoying the single life. Met DP at 28, moved in together, he had a total career change involving retraining so I was bread winner til this year and we started TTC at 34. In the meantime I became well established in my career and had some 'me' time. Worked up the ladder so we are financially comfortable with having kids. Wouldn't have wanted to wait much longer tbh but conceived an awful lot quicker than I'd anticipated (thankfully!)

Honestly, I wish I’d started earlier—just by a few years.

I was married at 25, but didn’t want kids until my thirties. I had my boys at 34 and 36, and realistically could have had them at 31 and 33, when thinking about my career during those years, and how easily I fell pregnant.

My school contemporaries who had children young are generally hairdressers, retail workers, drivers, care workers, labourers, SAHP, etc. These are all things one can do straight from school and therefore allow thrm to be settled and have a relationship/family early.

Most of my friends are lawyers, doctors, fund managers, academics etc. They have multiple degrees and their careers took a lot longer to establish. They also traveled around the country for both work and education which does not fit a long term relationship or young family. They are having children in their late 20s and 30s/40s.

I don't understand why people would if they were married/in a stable loving relationship but there are other people like me, who are single, in their early 30s and have no choice!

The fact that you were a teenager forced into having a baby with a violent narcissist makes it even stranger that you don’t grasp why other people wait until they are well into adulthood and conceiving with a decent human being.

LaBelle has a point too- educated people do tend to have kids later because degrees take time, as does establishing a career and both of those things also delay people meeting their DH/DPs.