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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the fact that my ex has changed his job (has known for months) and is now saying he won’t pay maintenance?

123 replies

Siamesedream777 · 18/03/2019 21:42

So last month I messaged my ex asking that he pays the child maintenance into my account so I can afford to take our son to London for his hospital appointment (he has a rare condition and is oxygen dependant). He transfers money then sends a message saying that ‘I might want to save some’ as he is changing jobs and thinks he will miss his new roles payroll cutoff.

Now he does not ask if this is ok or have the courtesy of a phone call merely states that is what is happening. I rely on his child maintenance as I suspect many parents do and can not afford to loose almost £600 next month with no notice.

He has known for months he is changing his job and my stance on this is that he should have made allowances for this, the fact that he has not, surely does not mean that the children and I should be the ones paying for it. He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out. Now I know he can’t give what he doesn’t have but he has known since October he was changing roles and therefore this was a possibility.

Just had another conversation about it as he has ignored the reply I sent to his message for over two weeks, where he was quite nasty saying that I should be able to do without for one month and that I shouldn’t just be spending all the kids money every month. He honestly doesn’t seem to grasp that the money is to pay toward rent,food, clothes, education etc.. he had the audacity to say I was spending it on myself because I had bought a new game the last time he came.

May I just say for the record that I work full time as does my husband. He and his new girlfriend went on holiday 6 times last year I have not been able to afford to go away FOR YEARS!! It seems however that as he pays maintenance that I am to sit here care for the children and have no life of my own as if I do he deems that he has paid for it!

Am I right in thinking that there is surely no way that I am the bad guy here? It is his attitude that has upset me most tbh.

Sorry for long post and please be gentle first time posting 😬

OP posts:
ShabbyAbby · 18/03/2019 21:58

I'm confused.
Did you know he was changing jobs back in October or did you just find out too?
If you've just found out might be a shock and could have had more notice, but equally he is allowed to change jobs if he wants to. It's a shame he didn't think of the impact on the kids, but £600 is a lot of maintenance IMHO for you to not be able to go on holiday on top of two FT wages. Do you have very excessive outgoings?

Doidontimmm · 18/03/2019 22:04

Can you make a CMS claim?

PippilottaLongstocking · 18/03/2019 22:07

I’m pretty sure maintenance should only change if there’s a change of above a certain percentage lasting more than 12 weeks (at least that’s what my ex told me CMS had said when he phoned them - and then extended his holiday to slightly over that so he didn’t have to pay during that time!)

ThePlaceToVent · 18/03/2019 22:12

Ah OP.

You might want to look at some of the responses I got on my thread recently - similar situation.

Difference is my sons father is self employed.

YANBU OP - system is shit and stacked against the RP.

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 18/03/2019 22:30

ShabbyAbby I think you have rather missed the point of my post. It does not matter if I knew he was changing jobs and of course he is entitled to! What I am saying is that he has a responsibility to pay for his children and the fact that he did not plan should not mean we are the ones suffering for it. It was only two weeks ago that he declared he would not be paying next month.

I also don’t see what my out goings have to do with anything?

Doidontimmm - by the time I go through all that malarkey I am sure he will have sorted himself out and I would rather try and maintain as good a relationship as possible!

I am a bit fed up that he thinks I am spending his money and that my husband should pay for his kids, he pays maintenance for two of his own every month as well as looking after my three.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 18/03/2019 22:36

YANBU. They're his kids so he should have worked out how he was going to pay the maintenance for them. They are his responsibility! What does he think his kids will do - go into hibernation for a month?

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 18/03/2019 22:36

Can I also clarify that there was no break between jobs, he finished his old job Friday and started his new one today. He had a long wait between job offer and start date.

OP posts:
TheSerenDipitY · 19/03/2019 07:36

no he should have saved to pay this months, and seeing as he is not paying this month is he paying a double amount next month?

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 16:52

I asked him whether that meant he would be paying it the month after as well as his usual payment and he ignored my text. When I asked him outright he danced around the issue saying he has always paid up until now not missed one before and that I should be able to do without for one month. I am assuming from this that he thinks he will just have a ‘free’ month.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/03/2019 16:58

I see what you're saying - he's changed companies and missed their deadline to do a payroll run, so theoretically you should be getting double next month - but that doesn't help you balance the books this month.

LemonTT · 19/03/2019 17:09

So I think what he is saying is that he will get paid by his old job this month, up to 15 March but won’t get anything for this month from his new job. So at the very least gets 1/2 month pay packet at the of March followed by 1 and 1/2 at the end of April. So he is short £300 if he doesn’t have any savings or leeway.

I would expect him to go into debt for the £300 but he doesn’t seem to want to do this and presumably expects you to do it.

It’s shit but I can’t see what you can do other than ask him for the £300 and get confirmation you will receive £900 in April if he is not in a position to pay the £600.

The easiest way to plan for this situation is to agree start dates that ensure you get paid. But it’s an odd one in this day and age as payroll changes and payments can go through quite quickly. He could well receive a March pay packet from the new employer.

InnerCircle · 19/03/2019 17:15

"He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out."

Like you?

Maybe his wife paid for the holidays.

You seem to be confusing issues.

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 18:48

@inner circle I am not a family member I am his ex and the mother of his children who relies on his support financially as he is legally obliged to do.

Neither did he ask! He stated he would not be paying via text and then did not respond or communicate for over two weeks when I tried to talk to him about it!

He complained about the amount of money going away after Christmas had cost him actually.
I think it is you who is confusing things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 19:11

@lemon I asked if he could give at least something, he said no, he also dodged the question of paying back what he owes the month after. I often have to ask for him to transfer the money which he normally does tbh, he has said he will set up a standing order multiple times but doesn’t, I think it is a bit of a power/control thing with him.

OP posts:
YellowFish123 · 19/03/2019 19:51

I'm perplexed quite frankly as to how you can manage to have both parents working full time on top of receiving an absolutely massive amount of maintenance yet not afford to attend hospital appointments.

It seems to me like it's your financial management that needs to be sorted.

Skittlesss · 19/03/2019 19:53

Two full time wages in the house and you both rely on maintenance to pay rent and food?

I know it’s shit, but you could come to an arrangement with the ex.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 19/03/2019 20:01

Ffs. Almost £600 a month for 3 children is NOTHING compared to what it will be costing the OP to raise them each month Hmm

Your ex is a dick. My ex recently had a work place accident and received SSP for a month. I still got the same amount of child support because he has savings that he’s put aside should he ever have time off sick/be made redundant/swap jobs because his kids still need to be fed/clothed etc. I did tell him not to worry about it (it was a bad accident; but he’s fine now) but he was adamant.

Your ex has known for months. Instead of holidays he should have put money to the side for this.

Those saying maybe his wife pays for holidays, then gawping at the fact that OP and her DH work full time and rely on maintenance is ridiculous. If the new wife is financially separate from OPs ex then by the same token what OPs DH earns is separate and irrelevant?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 20:04

£600 a month is not almost nothing at all! How utterly ridiculous.

Even if ops partners income is irrelevant (which its not at all really is it) id still say she needs to review her finances if shes struggling as much as she claims to be.

ANiceLuxury · 19/03/2019 20:12

He doesn’t see maintenance as an essential outgoing as he wouldn’t of done this with any other outgoing

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 20:14

How much do you think we earn, two well paid full time salaries would be one thing, we work full time yes, but my salary is not great think TA at a school I don’t really earn much. I also should not have to justify my earnings. End of the day I could earn 10k a month, he should still support his kids.

Hospital appointments to London for my son cost me £100 a go minimum as we live no where near and have to get trains/ underground as his condition is so rare no one else has the expertise to manage him, this was not supposed to be a thread on my finances, but whether it is unreasonable or not that my ex thinks he can just announce he will not pay for his children!

I suppose it is just human nature to bash people and be negative.

Maintenance is for things like a portion of rent/food/clothes etc and most people live to their means.

So just to clarify you think it is reasonable for my kids dad to not pay his child maintenance ina totally avoidable situation then?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 19/03/2019 20:18

How many kids?

It's shit, but these things happen. It's unrealistic to expect someone to pay a large chunk of money 100% reliably every single month for years on top of having to pay for a roof over their own head. There's a reason why people get in to rent arrears or take mortgage holidays sometimes, without it meaning that they never pay for anything again.

If you know your ex has good intentions and the ability to pay next month, and will continue with payments, it's not worth stressing yourself over something that he genuinely hasn't got to give you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 20:19

I dont think anyones said hes being reasonable. He should pay it. But if hed not physically getting paid it himself, how can he?

If he gets 2 wages for instance next month he should pay what he owes.

Nobody is "bashing" you people are just being honest that they would be worried about where your money is going.

The reality is most people would cope on 2 ft wages and tbf i would feel rich if i got £600pm on top of that. And we have pretty average wages too.

Spiritinabody · 19/03/2019 20:27

YANBU.
So this is an informal arrangement rather than amount determined by CMS? I would contact CMS so that he doesn't mess you about in the future.
You also need it by standing order so that you can rely on the payments.

It definitely isn't on for your ex to tell you he won't be paying next month. It isn't your problem that he has changed his job but I suppose he didn't necessarily know he would miss new company's payroll date.

Is it a large enough company to make special arrangements for new employees? (Not that you should really have to know or ask him that).

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 20:27

I have also not said I am on the poverty line or that I can’t afford food, merely that I can’t afford to take a family of 5 on holiday and that the purpose of maintenance is to go towards those kinds of things, I manage my finances just fine thank you.

I am also not an unreasonable person, if he had spoken to me and given me some warning it would have been ok, I have just had to buy a new (second hand) car as our old one died which has emptied the savings account. Had I have known this I would have held off or not spent as much but he did not have the courtesy to speak to me.

I think the way he has dealt with it, text, then ignoring me, not asking just telling is unreasonable.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 20:30

Well i dont think he has to ask your permission. I think he should have pre warned you yes.

I think you saying you cant afford to take your son to appointments gave the impression you were struggling.