AIBU about the fact that my ex has changed his job (has known for months) and is now saying he won’t pay maintenance?

[Siamesedream777]

So last month I messaged my ex asking that he pays the child maintenance into my account so I can afford to take our son to London for his hospital appointment (he has a rare condition and is oxygen dependant). He transfers money then sends a message saying that ‘I might want to save some’ as he is changing jobs and thinks he will miss his new roles payroll cutoff.

Now he does not ask if this is ok or have the courtesy of a phone call merely states that is what is happening. I rely on his child maintenance as I suspect many parents do and can not afford to loose almost £600 next month with no notice.

He has known for months he is changing his job and my stance on this is that he should have made allowances for this, the fact that he has not, surely does not mean that the children and I should be the ones paying for it. He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out. Now I know he can’t give what he doesn’t have but he has known since October he was changing roles and therefore this was a possibility.

Just had another conversation about it as he has ignored the reply I sent to his message for over two weeks, where he was quite nasty saying that I should be able to do without for one month and that I shouldn’t just be spending all the kids money every month. He honestly doesn’t seem to grasp that the money is to pay toward rent,food, clothes, education etc.. he had the audacity to say I was spending it on myself because I had bought a new game the last time he came.

May I just say for the record that I work full time as does my husband. He and his new girlfriend went on holiday 6 times last year I have not been able to afford to go away FOR YEARS!! It seems however that as he pays maintenance that I am to sit here care for the children and have no life of my own as if I do he deems that he has paid for it!

Am I right in thinking that there is surely no way that I am the bad guy here? It is his attitude that has upset me most tbh.

Sorry for long post and please be gentle first time posting 😬

This is the reason why csa isn't taken into account for any benefit assistance/top up. It is unreliable income and should be treated as so. The government makes sure you have enough money to raise your children either through your families income, benefits or a mixture of both. It is expected your new husband will contribute towards the upkeep of your children and he can pay a lower csa amount because of this. Whether he chooses to or not is up to him.

Ex h used to pay £75 a month for ds through his process of changing jobs I had a few weeks without it. I could have kicked up a fuss but he has always paid regularly so let it go. Things were tight for him too. They would have been tight if we were still together and he changed his job.

I do think he could have let you know in advance though so you could have planned ahead. £600 is massive to me and if you've been spending it on whatever each month you will certainly notice the difference

Would he have known he would miss payroll though?

Yes it is informal. But worked out using the child maintenance calculator properly ie weekly wages after pension contributions etc, but he is a bit slippery about how much he earns, he has been earning significantly more than when we separated (excitedly told me he’d had a big pay rise a couple of years ago) but I haven’t asked for more money mainly because I don’t need it but also because it isn’t worth the hassle it would cause.

Can I just add that my husband pays maintenance for his children to his ex so everyone saying two full time wages plus £600 (and to be honest it is a bit less than that I rounded to nearest £100) is not quite true as a portion of husbands wages go to his children.

As I said in my original post i know he can’t give what he doesn’t have. But think he has gone about it poorly. True he may not have known he would miss cutoff but it is a possibility when changing jobs and having 6 months to plan for it meant this was avoidable.

His attitude is awful he is not apologetic at all, in fact he is being quite nasty about it which is what I am really angry/disappointed about.

Plus he is not married although has a girlfriend, and currently lives with his parents so doesn’t have a second house to keep, really doesn’t have many outgoings.

The thing is though if its informal, you dont have a leg to stand on. Equally even if it was a formal agreement through the cms they dont care about the gf / the holidays / where he lives.

Yes, but it does not make it right. Would it in turn then be alright for us not to give my husbands children their maintenance because we have been let down?

The answer is of course not! We will be paying them.

And if we really couldn’t i’d Be apologising like no tomorrow, offering at least something if I could or at least reassuring that the amount would be made up when we were finally paid.

How many kids is he paying for to be getting £600 a month gosh you should be able to afford 6 holidays a year on 2 wages and £600!

Clearly coming on here for support was a mistake.

Tbh it sounds like you rely heavily on the money he gives you, which perhaps isn’t sensible if he’s not going to be giving it as planned.

it is bad form of your ex. YANBU

He lives with his parents, has minimal outgoings and thinks his kids will live on fresh air for a month? I bet he made sure he has enough to pay any regular outgoings like phone contract/car finance. How often does he have contact - I'd be tempted to text him 'ok if you think it's so easy you can have the kids stay with you and you look after/feed/etc this month'. What a shit 'dad'.

Tbh never rely on maintenance!

Op, it's really shit that he thinks he can get out of paying for a month. I think it's wrong and he should have saved to make sure he could cover it.

I think maintenance is touchly subject on here as a lot of us don't receive it, or get nominal amounts.

Do RTFT Hersheys.

@thatwouldbe He took the three of them for a weekend 15-17th Feb, he rang last night 18th of March to talk to them nothing in between that I can honestly remember. He loves them of that I am sure but contact Can be sporadic and always on his terms, I never say no when he rings and tells me when he is having the kids even if it means cancelling things. My middle child is autistic and that can cause anxiety issues too as he is never sure when the next time he will see his dad is, but that is a whole other thing and I don’t really want to get into that. When they do see him they have a great time.

Siamesedream777 of course your finances are based around the father of your children being true to his word, considering he always has been. You wouldn't expect him to change his mind without warning.

Ignore the pathetic shit-dad-supporters who are defending him with their jealous comments. It's because of people like them that so many men get away without paying.

He should be ashamed not contributing, and should do his best to make it up.

Yanbu. What has he contacted all his utilities, mortgage/landlord and given them the same bullshit excuse? I am changing jobs and the same issue will happen to me I will be paying all my commitments.
He will still owe you the missing money and if it was me I would be approaching the CSA
Or whatever they are called now because I am almost willing to bet with a new job comes a pay rise... he has pulled this stunt once he will feel emboldened to try other stunts so get it locked down now, might cost you a little bit but not as much as it will cost him.

I can't believe the shit parent apologists £600 is a piss in the ocean of child based costs.

@homemadearmy I do know that I have been fortunate to have an ex that normally pays and that has such a well paid job hence the amount.

I realise there are many dads out there that don’t pay a bean for their kids but that doesn’t make it ok. Children should be supported by both their parents.

Those saying don’t rely on maintenance may be wise to but surely in an ideal world it should be the opposite.

I am working hard to ensure that we do not need to rely on it, I am currently training on top of working for a career that will significantly increase my earning potential in the next two years or so. I just have to get there!

Jesus, he's only seen them once since February. No wonder he hasn't a clue that children cost money, he doesn't have to do any parenting and is more like a Fun Uncle than a dad. You've done well to keep it amicable with him.

Ignore the pathetic shit-dad-supporters who are defending him with their jealous comments. It's because of people like them that so many men get away without paying

Who exactly are you referring to there?

Honestly those who think £600 is shite all are clearly v privileged!

Can we play a game of spot the MRA on this thread?

Honestly I think some people think that single mums should be so poor they wear bin bags and eat mouldy apples otherwise they're "lucky"

What other things is he unable to pay or is it just maintenance?

Or maybe we just live in the real world, have kids of our own, know how much they cost, know that NRPs absolutely should pay maintenance, but also know that some people are knob heads, and wont do that.

Nobodys said hes right to not pay.

A few people have legitimately questioned ops finances which is entirely different and i feel, relevant to the thread.

It’s a shame that your actually being made out to be the bad person or unreasonable one here.
He should have planned for this. Regardless of what money you have or don’t have it’s a legal requirement for him to pay for his children. Simple.