AIBU about the fact that my ex has changed his job (has known for months) and is now saying he won’t pay maintenance?

[Siamesedream777]

So last month I messaged my ex asking that he pays the child maintenance into my account so I can afford to take our son to London for his hospital appointment (he has a rare condition and is oxygen dependant). He transfers money then sends a message saying that ‘I might want to save some’ as he is changing jobs and thinks he will miss his new roles payroll cutoff.

Now he does not ask if this is ok or have the courtesy of a phone call merely states that is what is happening. I rely on his child maintenance as I suspect many parents do and can not afford to loose almost £600 next month with no notice.

He has known for months he is changing his job and my stance on this is that he should have made allowances for this, the fact that he has not, surely does not mean that the children and I should be the ones paying for it. He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out. Now I know he can’t give what he doesn’t have but he has known since October he was changing roles and therefore this was a possibility.

Just had another conversation about it as he has ignored the reply I sent to his message for over two weeks, where he was quite nasty saying that I should be able to do without for one month and that I shouldn’t just be spending all the kids money every month. He honestly doesn’t seem to grasp that the money is to pay toward rent,food, clothes, education etc.. he had the audacity to say I was spending it on myself because I had bought a new game the last time he came.

May I just say for the record that I work full time as does my husband. He and his new girlfriend went on holiday 6 times last year I have not been able to afford to go away FOR YEARS!! It seems however that as he pays maintenance that I am to sit here care for the children and have no life of my own as if I do he deems that he has paid for it!

Am I right in thinking that there is surely no way that I am the bad guy here? It is his attitude that has upset me most tbh.

Sorry for long post and please be gentle first time posting 😬

Sorry to everyone else it that last post was a bit too ‘catty’ i’m Just getting a bit fed up.

Op I don't know why your getting a hard time on here.

I agree unless he is self employed I would
Go down the cms route.

Child maintenance has to be paid, it’s not a choice that he can say “ due to circumstances I’m not paying next month”

Best to get the CMS to sort it out, it will cost you - but it will also cost him.

The end result though is you get regular payments & he can jyst “ decide” he’s not paying if he chooses

I do think o/p should be looking at her spending if that £600 is needed to put food on the table

This is such messed up logic. If you demanded a friend gave you £600 to cover one of YOUR bills and she said no, would you demand too know why she couldn’t afford it?

That’s what’s happening here, OPs ex is demanding she sub him £600 for HIS bill, and you’re questioning why she’s not able to. Why aren’t you questioning why he doesn’t look at his money management?

hecmyst be on a pretty good wage to be stung £600 a month maintenance. Why aren't the posters quizzing op about her finances wondering why he has no savings to pay this months maintenance out of ?

Must be on to be paying

CM needs to be paid, no if or buts it’s money to pay for children’s up keep.

Bashing a resident parent because a NRP is not paying CM next month is bang out of order

Poor you sending you hugs.
How you spend your money is your business,£600 is a lot to miss out on.
As you say you and your partner both work FT but we don't know how much that pays or what your expenses are plus you partner pays maintenance for two children.
And you have a child with extra needs so best wishes for the future for you and your partner.

Op, you must go to the CMS. They will get his records from HMRC and base child support upon this. If you had registered with them, they would have backdated any salary increase over 25% to when you informed them and they found you were accurate.

Last year my gs1's dad stopped paying in January and didnt pay again until August/September. He had changed jobs and became self employed. What helped was that he only works for one company who were willing to supply wages info to CMS - obviously wanting to avoid any investigation.

I told CMS there had been a 25% upturn but they turned down my mandatory reconsideration request due to insufficient evidence. They basically wanted me to have his salary slips!

But there is a fraud team (financial investigation team) which it was handed to. It wasn't 25% it was 100% and they backdated it. They also put him on collect and pay where he has to pay a 20% admin fee.

The CMS will tell you, off the record, that you cannot rely on child support. He is now avoiding collect and pay and paying it direct to me, but the problem is he just stops when he wants to. I have not made a fuss because I am getting something for my grandson.

What he doesn't realise is that the money he pays direct to me is not being registered against the arrears by the CMS because as far as they are concerned he has not paid them. What a mess. But that is between them and him.

I am not saying they are good op, because they are not. But they are all we have I am afraid.

OP I see where you're coming from. Quite frankly exh is clearly not a nice or decent person - I understand changing jobs, and I understand maybe not being able to afford full maintenance for one month. But he could and should have given you more notice to plan ahead. He should have also offered you some maintenance, even if not the full amount. Even if it's only 50quid, If he's really struggling. Although to be quite honest I can't see why an adult can't save a little bit in anticipation for this - ok he may not have known for long but even saving 300 the past few months. Shaving money off his food bill. Giving no notice, offering no money at all, and avoiding your texts, just shows what kind of a person he is. So you're not being unreasonable in that respect. Of course children still need feeding.

I think the reason some posters have mentioned money is thay you mentioned struggling to get to appointments, but people see 600pounds and everything else goes out the window. For 3 children that's 200 a month. Which is a really decent amount but hardly extortionate. Especially as your ds has additional needs and the extra costs that come with that. It's not just for everyday stuff (I'm sure some months you spend more than 200 on each child and some months less) but can be put aside for treats, trips, days out, presents etc.

So exh is a child in an adult s body who can't face issues head on and has no concept of compromise. That said, if the money isn't there, it isn't there. 100percent he should have at least offered a reduced amount. But you can't do that with bills or even petrol or train costs, really. There's no leeway with companies. You just get cut off without services. O know some people are mentioning double wages, but it doesn't always happen like that. New starters have joined my team recently. For one, her last pay day from her previous work was 15th February. This company pays on last working day, so 29th March. That's 5 weeks between pay. She's lucky in that she could apply for a mid month advance. If she'd. Joined a day later she couldn't have. If she'd joined a week later she'd only have a reduced payment this month due to the cut off date. There can also be issues with the new job paying on time, or getting emergency taxed etc.

People are saying maintenance isn't optional, which it's not. However you can part pay the RP and hope that your hopefully good relationship (if you've been mature) and the fact that you've paid in on time every other month, means your xp is willing to compromise. You can't do that with bills. If for eg we all took the hard line and insisted he pay 600 regardless, he may be left without heating or electricity. No means to wash his work clothes, or even himself. No means to get to and from work and limited means to get food. Which could potentially lose him his job (issues getting in, hygiene and dress code issues) and make him unemployed. Therefore making maintenance even less. People have also suggested he get into debt to pay the maintenance, which I can't believe. Most reputable sources such as banks, m and s, Tesco etc, want a reason such as house deposit or buying a car, to loan money. His only option might be payday loans. Which is not a good idea. Again, because if he racks up payday loans his financisl situation worse and again impacts maintenance.

OP you aren't being unreasonable in that he should have given you notice. Although I'm unsure what holidays and unwillingness to ask family members, has to do with anything. Why should they step in for their son/brother/cousin who is unable to organise himself properly? And I imagine it would be humiliating to ask. You're right in that he can't give what he hasn't got, he can't. But he has acted badly. The lack of notice wasn't great. And he could have offered some maintenance, even if it was only 100pounds, this month.

Perhaps look into going through CMS. All I know is it's fairly unusual to be given 600pm on cms. It's a decent amount and again CMS go off your exps incomings etcx and there is a minimum amount. Up to you though

And sorry for the bad responses you've had on this thread - mine hasn't been completely in the Make him pay the full amount camp, buy I don't think personal comments about your finances are fair

@madein1995 thank you for taking the time to write such a lengthy post. I really am not unreasonable, he has asked to borrow money before and I have lent it to him because I had it and he was grown up about it. People saying he won’t be able to pay bills etc... isn’t strictly true as he lives with his parents so all he has is his car and phone and I suppose whatever rent he has arranged with his parents which I think is less than £200 a month. I mentioned the holidays as I think that 6 a year is excessive for anyone although if you can afford it and enjoy going away that is fine but I think it is a contributing factor to him having nothing in the bank to see him through. I am normally good in this respect and have savings although through unforeseen circumstances had to spend mine on a new car so my husband can get to work (not an unnecessary or frivolous expenditure) it has just unfortunately happened at the same time. I’ll get by and make sure my kids have everything they need but am just angry and annoyed by his attitude and lack of regard.

Why do you keep ignoring the bit where i say i agree with you and he is wrong to not pay it?

siam that definitely changes things, sorry! If he has no bills or certainly not expensive ones, then there's no reason why he couldn't have planned for this. I mean not defaulting on bills and not getting loans are important, but from what you've said it isn't like that for him at all. So he is just shirking his responsibility rather than being truly unable to afford it. And tbh even if he couldn't afford the full amount then he should have offered part of it.

I think I got the wrong end of the stock a bit and Im sorry. I had a picture in my mind of someone with his own flat, bills, costs etc who genuinely wouldn't be able to pay. Who while his planning was bad and his approach awful, would otherwise struggle. Someone living at home with clearly a large disposable income is a completely different scenario

I don't blame you for being angry. He gave you no notice - probably as he knew you wouldn't be happy (who would). If he's living with parents and presumably paying a nominal rent and having lots of holidays etc, then he should be able to afford a bit. Even a reduced amount. It just shows he's immature.

Reading my posts back I think it could look as though I was suggesting perhaps don't use CMS. That's because of my friends experience - self employed and claiming they earn less than they do for eg, deliberately paying the minimum. I've not heard of many people who've had good experiences unfortunately. Look into it, be Cautious as it does have it downfalls but hopefully it might work out better.

And sorry again!

I don’t need your sympathy I didn’t ask for any from anyone, just (for about the hundredth time) whether ex was unreasonable for not planning ahead and communicating it to me in a grown up manner.

Of course he is and you know he is so what was the point of your post? To stealth boast that you get 600pm in maintenance when other on here get sod all? Because I can't see any other reason for it tbh.

OP
Ignore the snide comments regards your income, too many people on here live on another planet and assume everyone has 6 figure salaries. If you like most ordinary people manage a careful budget every month then a £600 drop is a huge problem, I couldn't afford to drop that amount. If you go to CSA you are entiltked to 15% for first child and 5% for each child thereafter of his salary and if he's employed this is deducted by his employer.

you go to CSA you are entiltked to 15% for first child and 5% for each child thereafter of his salary and if he's employed this is deducted by his employer

its not deducted by his employer unless you do collect and pay, and you will have to pay 5% of costs and him 20%

Look OP - no one is saying hes dad of the year - however, there is no need to become catty and hostile. People are trying to help - i understand your frustration. Unfortunately - the maintenance was agreed so privately - legally you have no leg to stand on. Morally - hes a piece of work.

People are questioning your finances because they are worried about the fact you say your child is ill and you might need it for travelling to see a dr, as you then went on to mention you have two full time incomes. Its not an attack on you - they were just wondering if perhaps there could be a better way to manage finances in order to make up for the shortfall your ex is putting you through.

The kids can miss out on bits and pieces (school trips and the like) for now, and yes, like you said, you could live frugally until ex starts paying you normally again as he cannot give you what he doesnt have. It snot great - but its doable. There are many worse off and they pull through alright. I dont know if £600 is alot/little, but i would seek to make that all legal (CMS etc) asap.

*I do think o/p should be looking at her spending if that £600 is needed to put food on the table

This is such messed up logic. If you demanded a friend gave you £600 to cover one of YOUR bills and she said no, would you demand too know why she couldn’t afford it?

That’s what’s happening here, OPs ex is demanding she sub him £600 for HIS bill, and you’re questioning why she’s not able to. Why aren’t you questioning why he doesn’t look at his money management?*

His money management goes without saying. He should. Fact is, he isn’t, and that is out of the o/p’s control.

Cm in all but the rarest of cases is pretty much voluntary. I am not saying that is right, but time and time again on here we see how powerless the cms in and how easy it is to simply not pay.

My friend has no moral obligation to pay me £600 for my bills so I wouldn't ask, let alone question it.

I am simply suggesting to the O/p that if she can’t manage on two full time wages and pay for food that it might be worth looking at things to see if her finances can be re-balanced to provide a bit of a cushion for next time he’s an arse about maintenance. Because chances are there will be a next time, because there are no consequences for him.

I am low income but i have an emergency “pot” for if tax credits go to shit, or the heating breaks down, or if i can't work for a couple of months. Everything was trimmed to the bone for a year to build this up, but it was worth it. It would prevent o/p being faced with so much stress next time her ex is an arse.

All ive said if he hasnt got it, he cant give it to her.
I see this a lot on MN and in this case (as with most), it's extremely unlikely to be true. The ex has a salary >£3k, is established in his career and lives with his parents so no significant outgoings. Such a man has the following options:

• Ask employer for a mid-month prepayment to cover him
• Ask his bank for a £600 overdraft (actually it's £300 if he got a half payment)
• Take out the money in cash on a credit card
• Borrow the money from the children's loving grandparents
• Take out a loan
• Spend his own savings / bonds / shares or minor pension cash-in, which you can guarantee are all sitting nicely
• Offer OP half, plus he can't be spending to the wire each month but can live on toast etc to scrape together an extra say £150, so paying £450.

He's done none of that, he's just been a cheeky fucker because he expects OP you make up the gap. OP should be clear she can't and continue to demand the money. OP - would it help to speak to his parents about the things the kids will miss out on as a result?

Forgot to add:

• Sell his car / watch / other luxuries. You can guarantee OP would do that to pay the electricity bill so her DS can breathe, the father should if it's his payment causing the problem.

@reallyanotherone As I have said before I do normally have savings (had to buy a new car out of the blue) it wouldn’t normally be an issue, it isn’t such as issue that I can’t put food on the table as some people seem to suggest.

Not a stealth boast either, was just being honest about it as its not a small amount to loose. I can appreciate that some don’t get anywhere near what they should or nothing at all, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok he doesn’t pay. As another poster said it’s 15% first child 5% thereafter and I have three, he has a well-ish paid job, it’s what he should be paying.

My finances have nothing with whether he should pay or not.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily tough time on her OP. At the end of the day, if he is going to be short of cash could he not agree with his parents to defer their rent rather than your maintenance? I can't imagine they would want their grandson to be going without. If it were me I would be telling him that if he can't do the decent thing and pay up you will go through CMS in future to avoid being put in an awkward situation again. (you might want to check that you woulnd't be worse off doing this though before you say it.)

Sorry to drag this OP up but just re-reading and see this absolute pearl of wisdom

People are questioning your finances because they are worried about the fact you say your child is ill and you might need it for travelling to see a dr, as you then went on to mention you have two full time incomes. Its not an attack on you - they were just wondering if perhaps there could be a better way to manage finances in order to make up for the shortfall your ex is putting you through.

Let me say it plainly - 'people have absolutely no right to question OP's finances. It's irrelevant. What is relevant is that a NR parent shouldn't be able to 'choose' as and when to provide for their children - unfortunately it's all too common. The sooner we get the government to treat child maintenance the same as council tax, utility bills, the sooner we'll have fickle men abandoning their children and hitting them in the pocket.