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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the fact that my ex has changed his job (has known for months) and is now saying he won’t pay maintenance?

123 replies

Siamesedream777 · 18/03/2019 21:42

So last month I messaged my ex asking that he pays the child maintenance into my account so I can afford to take our son to London for his hospital appointment (he has a rare condition and is oxygen dependant). He transfers money then sends a message saying that ‘I might want to save some’ as he is changing jobs and thinks he will miss his new roles payroll cutoff.

Now he does not ask if this is ok or have the courtesy of a phone call merely states that is what is happening. I rely on his child maintenance as I suspect many parents do and can not afford to loose almost £600 next month with no notice.

He has known for months he is changing his job and my stance on this is that he should have made allowances for this, the fact that he has not, surely does not mean that the children and I should be the ones paying for it. He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out. Now I know he can’t give what he doesn’t have but he has known since October he was changing roles and therefore this was a possibility.

Just had another conversation about it as he has ignored the reply I sent to his message for over two weeks, where he was quite nasty saying that I should be able to do without for one month and that I shouldn’t just be spending all the kids money every month. He honestly doesn’t seem to grasp that the money is to pay toward rent,food, clothes, education etc.. he had the audacity to say I was spending it on myself because I had bought a new game the last time he came.

May I just say for the record that I work full time as does my husband. He and his new girlfriend went on holiday 6 times last year I have not been able to afford to go away FOR YEARS!! It seems however that as he pays maintenance that I am to sit here care for the children and have no life of my own as if I do he deems that he has paid for it!

Am I right in thinking that there is surely no way that I am the bad guy here? It is his attitude that has upset me most tbh.

Sorry for long post and please be gentle first time posting 😬

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 22:48

Nobodys said op is a bad person.

Its probably not a legal obligation if its an informal arrangement, though

MumOfOne92 · 19/03/2019 22:50

God, I'm glad I've not bothered claiming maintenance from my little girl's dad. The drama is way too much.

SkinnyPete · 19/03/2019 22:54

YANBU, as he's been a dick how he's handled it. He should have savings to keep paying, and at least should pay it eventually once his pay has caught up.

I think you're a bit irresponsible to be in a scenario where you are that hand to mouth that you can't absorb missing a few a payments though. What if your ex lost his job, died, etc. And the money stopped entirely?

So shit dad, yes. But your bitterness/jealousy is what is not endearing you to some here. Girlfriends and six holidays have nought to do with it.

Janemay21 · 19/03/2019 22:56

It is a legal requirement. I’m going through the courts at the moment as my children’s dad hasn’t paid for them for over a year. He was paying £500 before which was a verbal agreement. Because he paid that sum for a number of months, it was seen as a verbal contract which he broke without given any due notice.
This issue is, the children shouldn’t have to suffer because he’s changing jobs. And she doesn’t have any issue with him doing so, her issue is, he’s now going to be falling short of his responsibilities. That would frustrate anyone.

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 22:59

Plant pot I really don’t know what your issue is. I don’t agree that anyone has the right to question my finances they are personal and not relevant in the slightest to the point of the thread.

Read up on how child maintenance is calculated. The receiving parents finances ARE NOT taken into account when assessing what should be paid. Ergo my income/outgoings don’t make a jot of difference to whether he should pay or not. Which is my AIBU question!

I think it bonkers that everyone is basically suggesting that I should be in a position to just take his money for the sake of it, in other words be able to afford not to have it but take it as extra. Then we’d all have pots of money in the bank we didn’t need wouldn’t we? Surely taking someone’s money when I didn’t need it would be worse?

I’m off to bed!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 23:00

Its not a formal arrangement though. I couldn't be arsed dragging someone through court for £600.

Im not saying the children should suffer, im not saying it isnt frustrating. Im just saying its probably not wise to rely on maintenance especially when theres no formal arrangement and tbh even when there is!

GunpowderGelatine · 19/03/2019 23:01

I'm in a marriage, should I not rely on DH's wages just in case he decides to stop paying for food and bills one day?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 23:03

Im not saying your finances mean he should pay less. Im saying its unwise to rely on maintenance which you now know.

I know how child maintenance is calculated, thank you. I have plenty of experience from both sides.

Its not taking money when you dont need it, by all means spend it on your kids when you get it. Dont rely on it to pay your rent!

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 23:04

Well ideally 1 wage should cover all bills just in case but obviously thats not always possible.

But i think trusting someone youre married to, to work with you and sort things out in a situation like that is very different, than relying on an ex partner.

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 19/03/2019 23:09

I never said I was relying on it to pay my rent thank you very much!

If you had bothered to read the thread you would have noticed I’ve just had to spend my savings on a car which has meant that yes this has come at a bad time this particular month otherwise I would t be worried about it.

Bottom line you should be able to rely on a parent to uphold their responsibilities.

Skinny Pete I am honestly not jealous i’m Happy he has someone actually, I was even happy for him when he told me about his new job as he was so excited about it, and he can go on as many holidays as he likes so long as they don’t come before the responsibility he has towards his kids!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/03/2019 23:11

It was an example! I have read the thread.

You should be able to rely on them yes, but in the real world not everyone is reliable.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/03/2019 23:38

Seriously, go through the proper channels and make his contribution to the upkeep of his own DC incl one with additional/medical needs that he hasn't seen since February official.

SkinnyPete · 19/03/2019 23:53

@Siamesedream777

Fair. It only read that way. He's still a shit and I hope you get it sorted. I wouldn't let up on getting the payments brought up to date.

kamelo · 20/03/2019 00:57

Whilst he could of made you aware of this, did he know himself he'd miss the payroll?
From what you have said he usually pays on time and doesn't seem a bad person. It's a large sum of money to miss that's for sure but if he doesn't have it to give then there's not a lot you can do.

I think it's a little unfair people saying you should be able to stand it for a month. I think you should have some funds available for emergencies but then again so should he, as he's the one not getting paid it should be his rainy day fund that coughs up rather than yours.

Shitonthebloodything · 20/03/2019 03:03

The responses here beggar belief. What a fucking depressing read this thread is.

OP of course you are not BU.
My mortgage provider took maintenance payments into account FFS! Of course it's household income taken into account when budgeting for a family no different than expecting a current partner to pay their share.
He needs to arrange an overdraft or whatever necessary to cover the shortfall and prevent you having late payment charges etc. Tell him you'll go through the CMS and it'll cost home more!
Honestly I can't see wtf your income has to do with anyone here, you don't have to justify yourself.

JohnandMary · 20/03/2019 05:27

^^ This. You are SO not unreasonable and ex is an arsehole

Skittlesss · 20/03/2019 06:42

Not an MRA at all, thank you very much whoever posted that.

He’s an absent father who doesn’t even see his kids regularly. There’s always the chance that he may eventually stop paying. If he can’t be arsed to see them more than once a month then who is to say he will keep paying? How do we know this isn’t his chance to stop payments? It does happen - we see it many times on here: women being left to provide for their children alone when the man buggers off. Which is why I suggest it isn’t sensible to rely on the maintenance to pay rent (which is what the OP has said she uses it towards).

In an ideal world she could rely on his money, but clearly he couldn’t even be arsed to prepare for not being able to pay.

swingofthings · 20/03/2019 07:15

Should he have told you that could happen sobe months back? Yes, if he cared, he should.

Should be pay two months worth whrn he gets paid? Definitely?

That you should be so dependent on that money? Dangerous because you have no control over this money whixh could indeed stop at any time.

£600 a month which really should only be half of what is sort on children is a lot. That's £1200 a month, hard to believe that doesn't pay for what it cost the kids only. If you contribute less than he does, thrm you csnt be totally angry with him to find yourself short one month.

Of course arranging your life so you don't need the £600 at all would be a waste. It comes down to the right balance between depending on that money but also maybe putting some of it in a saving account each month just in case he cant pay for a few months.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/03/2019 07:31

Yanbu OP. This place has been fucking weird recently. He should have communicated. And if he had been more appreciative of how annoying this was for you I'm sure you'd feel differently.

Perhaps he should have "saved some" as he has clearly known about this for longer?

Original poster
Siamesedream777 · 20/03/2019 08:03

@swingofthings I do save every month, it’s unfortunate as I have just had to spend the contents of my savings account (£2500) on a car so my husband can get to work as his died and we were told it was not worth repairing.This happened three days before ex then said he would be letting me down. So normally I would have been bsolutely fine! I would still be annoyed at ex and his blatant disregard that it’s my problem not his though!

I can eek through the month but have had to say no to my son going on a education trip for English and bits and pieces like that because I will have to be so frugal this month.

OP posts:
Madein1995 · 20/03/2019 08:14

I think the reason people are querying your finances is because you've said you're going to be unable, or struggle, to take your son to his appointment with that money. Most people would think that 2 full time wages, or let's say 1 and 3/4 of your DH is also paying maintenance, even without the 600 maintenance, should be manageable and able to attend appointments. No one's said that you are struggling or can't afford rent etc. Unfortunately that's been implied by your comment. Cue posters asking about income and financial management etc. Of course if you don't want the help and say so, then posters shouldn't press the issue.

Yes he should have behaved differently, or at least given more notice. As you said you could have planned then He didn't say and he sounds irresponsible.

That said, insisting you need the money etc isn't going to change the fact that he won't have it to give to you. A decent person would have offered a smaller pottion but clearly that hasn't happened. I disagree with the idea (by some) that ex should get himself into debt to pay the full maintenance!

Re double next month. That depends on whether he's getting two waves next month or just the one from new job. If he is getting two then yes he should pay double. If he's only getting one then it isn't really possible for him to pay two.

Re CMS etc. If he's defaulting on payments that's one road to go down, definitely. It seems you have an informal arrangement ATM and it'd be more secure if things were done via CMS. Only problem with that is that your ex is highly unlikely to be ordered to pay 600pm from CMS. He could pay more if he wanted, but it's unlikely the minimum figure would stay the same. So you might be guaranteed it, but the amount could also be reduced. I wouldn't try for that if this is the first time there's been any issues with payments. That said he hasn't behaved in the best way, but neither so I think it's worth getting CMS invoked. If you do, you could be worse off.

And really, his outgoings etc do not matter. If you're saying (rightly) that your outgoings and incomings don't matter and that he should pay CMS regardless, well by that token it doesn't matter whether or not he can afford holidays etc. There could be reasons behind that you don't know. Eg his girlfriend paying, or mum loaning him money etc.

LimpLettice · 20/03/2019 08:21

This reply has been deleted

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Skittlesss · 20/03/2019 08:25

Tell him that your son is missing out on a trip because of this. Make sure he knows how bad it’s impacting his children directly.

Seth · 20/03/2019 08:30

Am in a similar position op but mine is going freelance Shock

famousfour · 20/03/2019 08:32

I cannot believe people seem to think paying for the upkeep of his children is an optional extra for the ex. It isn’t for the OP. I would not change jobs if it meant I could pay for my children’s upkeep. How totally ridiculous.