AIBU about the fact that my ex has changed his job (has known for months) and is now saying he won’t pay maintenance?

[Siamesedream777]

So last month I messaged my ex asking that he pays the child maintenance into my account so I can afford to take our son to London for his hospital appointment (he has a rare condition and is oxygen dependant). He transfers money then sends a message saying that ‘I might want to save some’ as he is changing jobs and thinks he will miss his new roles payroll cutoff.

Now he does not ask if this is ok or have the courtesy of a phone call merely states that is what is happening. I rely on his child maintenance as I suspect many parents do and can not afford to loose almost £600 next month with no notice.

He has known for months he is changing his job and my stance on this is that he should have made allowances for this, the fact that he has not, surely does not mean that the children and I should be the ones paying for it. He refuses to entertain the notion of asking a family member to help him out. Now I know he can’t give what he doesn’t have but he has known since October he was changing roles and therefore this was a possibility.

Just had another conversation about it as he has ignored the reply I sent to his message for over two weeks, where he was quite nasty saying that I should be able to do without for one month and that I shouldn’t just be spending all the kids money every month. He honestly doesn’t seem to grasp that the money is to pay toward rent,food, clothes, education etc.. he had the audacity to say I was spending it on myself because I had bought a new game the last time he came.

May I just say for the record that I work full time as does my husband. He and his new girlfriend went on holiday 6 times last year I have not been able to afford to go away FOR YEARS!! It seems however that as he pays maintenance that I am to sit here care for the children and have no life of my own as if I do he deems that he has paid for it!

Am I right in thinking that there is surely no way that I am the bad guy here? It is his attitude that has upset me most tbh.

Sorry for long post and please be gentle first time posting 😬

Tell him that your son is missing out on a trip because of this

so lie to him? seems like a really good idea.

How is it a lie Plant Pot?

She said
I can eek through the month but have had to say no to my son going on a education trip for English and bits and pieces like that because I will have to be so frugal this month.

well I read that as she had said no to him because she'd spent all her savings on a car?

famous if doing so would leave your children short long term then I can understand that. However the average adult changes jobs every few years or so. Doing that often means there will be a gap between paydays. Do you mean you plan never to change jobs? As changing jobs means a bit of a gap. It's extremely rare not to have that gap

Totally agree with @limplettice I bet £1 million that if you mention going to the CMS then he will cough up. He will have had a couple of pay rises (even if just annual inflation) & people don’t generally move jobs unless it’s for a pay rise.
You can go to the CMS where they just check how much he earns every year, I think it’s actually a good idea for you to do that.

Also, not setting up a DD is 100% so that he can keep control & he wants you to have to ask for it.

As others have said, he won’t be missing all of his other bills that month, why is Maintenance the only optional one?

plant same. As I said it's poor behaviour on the part of the ex. But saying it's his fault the son can't go on a trip isn't strictly accurate - it's down to both. Him for not paying, and op as she spent on a car before she knew all this was happening. Which yes is his fault that he didn't tell her until the last minute. Bit him not paying the maintenance isn't a direct cause of son missing trip. Him not bothering to tell her is a factor in son not going on trip.

Also an excellent point. You change jobs, you have a short month. Do you just text British Gas and say oh, I'm changing jobs, I'm not paying next month, deal with it? No. You pay it, whenever or however. And I'd far rather spend on my kids than bills! Ex is chancing his arm and I really wouldn't let him set a precedent. It'll be oh, we have a bill / holiday / car problem / new baby, you'll have to suck up the loss I can't afford to if you don't nip it in the bud.

At the same time - don't pay your electric bill, it gets cut off. There's no arranging with British gas to only pay half of the bill. Don't pay for petrol and you can't go to work. Don't pay food bill and no food. There's no real reduction or negotiation in those cases.

What the ex could and should have done in ops case is aid 'well look, I can't pay full whack this month because X, bit I'll pay y amount instead'.

Maintenance is the only 'optional' one as you can probably imagine - not paying bills leads to electric being cut off , no means of washing clothes, no means of actually getting to work etc. Would you really rather someone live like that for a month so you didn't have to possibly not afford school trips?

Because if you changed jobs, reduced money and options were gas bill or new school coat for DC that month, I'm quite sure the gas bill would win so to speak.

Yes ex should have given more notice, and yes he ought to have offered a reduced payment. He shouldn't get himself into debt or not pay his own bills, so that he can pay full maintenance

He can't give what he hasn't got.

Why did he not save up enough money beforehand to make sure he had enough money to cover his kids care? What a piece of shit.
I wouldn't even bother talking to him. I'd go straight to the CMS.
My ex paid nothing the whole time my son was at home after my divorce, 16 years. The scrabbling about for extra jobs while he lived in luxury abroad was awful.

Ffs. Almost £600 a month for 3 children is NOTHING compared to what it will be costing the OP to raise them each month hmm

I am supporting a family of 4 on £1600 net a month. Two full time wages, even at nmw, plus £600 would me a massive amount.

I do think o/p should be looking at her spending if that £600 is needed to put food on the table.

I would never rely completely on cm, or tax credits etc as it can just stop overnight. If anything happens to your ex or he loses his job how would you manage.

He should pay, yes. But i do think you need to reassess and have at least a small cushion for next time he lets you down.

Why is it anyone's business what the op earns or spends her money on? She asked a very simple question, is he unreasonable for not putting a provision in place for maintenance when he knew changing jobs would cause a lack of finance. The answer is simply yes he is unreasonable. He should of given you enough notice so if he was unable to pay, you could make your own provisions.
It's a complete lack of regard for his children, and you have every right to be angry.

I am his ex and the mother of his children who relies on his support financially as he is legally obliged to do.

But your household gets 2 FT wages, 600 from him plus whatever child related benefits, and you're living month to month on a shoestring?

He should have budgeted accordingly since October but he hasn't, and he should pay double when he gets it, rather than miss a month, and he's out of order fro doing this but surely you aren't going to starve on the money you have coming in?

Eliza, you’re another one who hasn’t read the thread. Perhaps do that before commenting,

plantpotparrot you're aware the maintenance amounts to less than £50 per child per week. That would cover my DS1's school lunches and not much more. I'm not sure why you think the OP is rolling in it a d car forgo a months maintenance

readysteady you spend £50 per week on lunch for one child? wow!

we spent £15 per week on DSS school lunches!

anyway, £600 a month is a lot to some people, me included.

I don't think I spend £50 per week on DS, except his nursery but then it would be my choice to put him in it so I don't think that's really relevant!

Plant pot I don’t know what must have happened to you to make you so negative about everyone. I think we had just better agree that you think it is ok and that I should just lump it. Clearly you are jealous of the amount I receive to have such a bee in your bonnet about it that you have to repeated state your position on it!

Just to clarify it is what the child maintenance calculator says he should be paying based on his earnings from 4 years ago as he won’t tell me his current earnings (so I actually suspect he should be paying more! haven’t asked for it though as don’t need it)he certainly wouldn’t offer to pay a penny more than he had to.

There really isn’t any need for further comment from you as I think you are upsetting a few people on here now not just me.

Children cost a lot more than £50 a week when you factor in everthing. If I didn’t have three children would I need to live in a four bedroom house? Pay such high council tax, electric, water, food, need to buy school clothes, equipment etc and dozens of other things that add up.Answer no a one bed flat would do my husband and I nicely as would the lower living expenses.And before anyone starts yes I need four bedrooms, my younger two I won’t put in together as male/female and my older one is on oxygen 24 hours a day and is attached to a machine so needs his own space. Said machine means I have an astronomical electric bill compared to others too. It’s not just about school lunch money really is it? And yes they are my children which I chose to have and I gladly provide for them and love them to bits and wouldn’t want it any other way, but he should too and should take that responsibility seriously. You have no idea about what goes on in other people’s lives that may mean your situation is not comparable to theirs.

So I say again lay off of my personal finances which are fine, and stick to the AIBU which was should he have put provision in place knowing it was a foreseeable possibility that he may be short when changing roles, especially as he has known for the last 6 months. Should he have at least had the courtesy of speaking to me about it rather than sending a text and then ignoring me for weeks when I tried speaking to him about it?

Im not jealous. My family is together which makes me happy. I dont need maintenance nor would i if i was single! You cant decide im jealous because my response was not "aww poor u hes a twat hun"

I havent said hes done the right thing. I have agreed that if he knew he could have warned you.

The mistake you've made OP is putting the amount your children receive in the OP.

For those hard of law and children's rights - it doesn't matter whether it's £6 or £6000 - the bottom line is a NRP should not have the option of 'choosing' not to provide for their children.

So if the OP was unable to work due to her children's illness - should she just suck that up and be so blase about not receiving her children's payments this month?

OP - unfortunately I found out the hard way - you HAVE to go down the formal route with NRP who barter with providing for their children for whatever reason. If they won't put their kids first, then make the law and go via a solicitor etc.

Good luck

Hang on he still gets paid some wages from old job at end of this month doesn't he?!

My family is together which makes me happy. I dont need maintenance nor would i if i was single!

Wow let's hope you don't have to ever find that out. Things change. Children still need raising.

This is absolutely bloody ridiculous! The OP's ex is bang out of order, suddenly refusing to pay for his children's existence for the next month or so and people are actually having a go at the OP for being pissed off about it?

Things might change. Im prepared for that. So is dp. And ive seen dps kids dragged through this shit with their mother, i know how it works and im not going to ever do that to my child.

Im not even disagreeing with the op. All ive said if he hasnt got it, he cant give it to her.

Ive said he should pay it, and ive agreed he should have pre warned her. Yet i am "a piece of work" what for agreeing with you all?

Yes he will still have half wages.

Plant pot - good for you that everything is so together, although that actually makes me wonder more why you are so hostile if you are as wonderfully happy as you claim to be??? If so I suspect you just enjoy looking down your nose at people which is a shame.

I don’t need your sympathy I didn’t ask for any from anyone, just (for about the hundredth time) whether ex was unreasonable for not planning ahead and communicating it to me in a grown up manner.

Have another shot at me if you wish as you don’t seem to be able to not have the ‘last word’ but I am done justifying myself to you.