To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

This is another iceberg thread isn't it?

So your DH organises all the Sat activities but you do all the running around for them? (Presumably while he's doing all his lovely peaceful training.)

It all sounds completely shit to me, like that other thread running on AIBU I can't believe the rubbish that some women are putting up with in their relationships. Please OP, stand up to him for your DDs' sakes.

He hasn't realised he was wrong, BabyDarling. He's doubled down and still sulking.

@BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Did you read the updates?!

Talk about mountain out of a molehill... And the comments are just making it worse! He was exhausted after his race and snapped at you. Then he realised he was wrong. It's a total non event.

I'm going to assume you have comprehension difficulties, Baby.

Talk about mountain out of a molehill... And the comments are just making it worse! He was exhausted after his race and snapped at you. Then he realised he was wrong. It's a total non event.

Read the thread!

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney you believe that even knowing that she is continually walking on eggshells around him? That he insists on his DD having a full day of activities on Saturdays? That the house being messy is a rage trigger, but he won't tidy? I don't consider these things non-events, sadly.

In this country this weekend we have had snow,gale force winds,torrential rain and sunshine and its been bloody cold....you had small children out in that to support him???? What a fabulous way for the kids to wind down and enjoy fun ....OP big girl pants tell it like it is and shock him to death ..show some backbone sort the pathetic tosser out once and for all....

Oh op, it is not good at all, I would be considering my relationship with him tbh. Selfish and controlling manchild.

Wow your little 5 year old does 4 activities on a Saturday, this has got to stop. He is awful op, how shit for you and your kids.

“Have you ever told him to grow the fuck up?”

Occasionally. We have big bust ups. He’s not above having these in the open while the kids are around (including F this, Bloody that, describing our home as a shitheap, all while they can hear). I don’t want that and normally duck out of the conversation and try to continue on WhatsApp so they aren’t involved - at least he is sort of forced to read what I say there. But then we just run out of time and steam as it’s either early morning and time to go to work or late at night after a battle to get both girls to sleep.

So it does occasionally reach boiling point but we normally reconcile eventually. Or reconcile-by-necessity where neither of us actually apologised, we are just forced to work together by our schedule.

DD said the F word for the first time on Saturday; I was heartbroken.

Do you want another story? It was his birthday last month. I had booked a surprise holiday to Devon for a long weekend, starting on the Friday. On the Thursday I had had my usual non working day, so DD2 all day and DD1 at school. DH comes home in the evening and immediately goes out for dinner with his friends. So it’s me and the girls all evening too. We set off for Devon the next morning. We were having a great family time. But between all the usual chaos and the all-day childcare on Thursday, I hadn’t found time to buy a birthday card. Yeah, I know, I should have got one earlier - it’s not like birthdays are unpredictable.

But I thought, no problem, I’ll get one from the shop at the caravan site. But unfortunately they didn’t sell birthday cards (seriously?!). So no card.

This triggered the biggest bust up of recent times. He was utterly outraged by not getting a card. “And the worst thing is, I didn’t get one from the girls!”

Absolute stomping fuming door-slamming psychotic episode for that one!

I walked down the main road to get cards from a petrol station and was back before 9am. Too late. “Not interested” again.

So to summarise, you work FT and spend the evenings cooking and desperately trying to keep the house tidy as he hates mess, while he relaxes in front of the TV or on his phone, pausing occasionally to shout at his children. Then on Saturday you're expected to drag your tired 5yo to a series of activities for over 8 hours, as dictated by him. Sunday is either spent doing "family time" activities, as dictated by him, during which you must all "tread on eggshells" so as not to upset him. Or if he has a race you get to spend your Sunday stood around in the cold with two bored DC waiting for him to finish running so you can all clap and tell him how great he is, and he gets to talk to you like shit because he's tired and hungry.

What a life.

LTB, seriously.

Blimey. Dh runs marathons and ultra marathons and I've never turned out to watch him once. Couldn't think of anything worse! I'd serve him his arse on a plate if he moaned at me about my lack of support.

If your dh wants to do stuff like this that's down to him. If you choose to support him that's a bonus. Especially when you have two small kids who will be bored stiff hanging about. And then when they were poorly as well! He should have listened to your reasons not cut you off, very rude!

So you didn’t have time to go to Relate but he does have time to train for and run half marathons? Yeah, he’s totally got his priorities right.

It is shit. If I had had that experience you had while he was running in Bath my husband would have been full of concern and wanted me to tell him all the details so he could sympathise with me and then He would have taken me home for a glass of wine and a takeaway.

Your setup is completely shit. Your poor DD with her 4 Saturday classes. Please think about reducing that by half. And if he is at home each evening while you cook then you tell him to do it a couple of nights a week while you have a bit of downtime with your girls. Even if he claims that he is doing work on his phone, he is either lying or he can not do that at least a couple of days a week for an hour or no.
Good luck.

I started out feeling sorry for you but as you kept posting I had to wonder if you it's a joke. Sorry you have to be pretty dim to not read your posts and see how bad it is. Almost everyone can clearly see it. But you are intent on making weak excuses for his behavior.

Perfectly put, Minister.

As someone who became a single parent with a 2 and 5 year old I can say that life alone was easier that what you describe. If we wanted to spend all day in pyjamas in front of the tv we could. If we wanted beans on toast for tea we could. Everything was exactly how we three wanted it and I could also arrange it to be as little hassle for myself as possible with nobody critising, having stupidly high expectations or thinking I should have done things better.

We had some disastrous days out as a three but I’ve got better at it over time and now really enjoy doing things my way. It’s not just easier but it feels so liberating to be able to say “sod it!” sometimes and do just whatever we please.

God I've just read your other posts. Do you want your daughters growing up to think they have to put up with this sort of behaviour in a relationship? Seriously bad relationship example for them. You sound like you'd be happier if you left him.

His 'rage' is completely unacceptable and used as a weapon to manipulate you.

You can see that?

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go to counselling, he doesn't want any light shone on his nasty ways.

He's an emotionally abusive cunt. You know that, Bath, don't you?

Get a big wallplanner/whiteboard

In different colours, block out your time/activities, his time/activities & the kids time...

See how it looks in glorious technicolour. See if it looks fair & sustainable. He might need it visualised, rather than trying to win wars of words.

This triggered the biggest bust up of recent times. He was utterly outraged by not getting a card. “And the worst thing is, I didn’t get one from the girls!”

OP For your own well-being and the well-being of your children you need to leave this man. You only get one life and your children only get one childhood. This man is abusive and it is impacting you and your daughters.

And you are with him why??

I have never said this on mumsnet but you need to seriously LTB
He is a selfish celf-centered twat who cares more for his own ego than the happiness of his family as a whole.
I would rather live in a cardboard box than be "walking on eggshells" in my own home-
that is mean to be my happy safe place.

Have you thought what lessons you’re teaching your girls about how men should treat them? People in general?

As the female, you are their primary role model. All I can see is you’re teaching them their needs and opinions don’t matter.

Don’t you want to bring them up to be strong girls and women? Girls, who can say no? Girls, who can look after themselves emotionally? Girls, who knows their views and opinions matter?

So is he going to have a massive change of priorities or are you going to divorce him? He’s no good for you or your children. These are the rules I’d be putting in place:

1 Marathons down to circa 8 a year with you watching once a year
2 Time weekly set aside for you to do your hobbies
3 Him off Facebook / tv and time with the children
4 Dds activities drastically reduced (poor girl)
Etc

Talk about mountain out of a molehill... And the comments are just making it worse! He was exhausted after his race and snapped at you. Then he realised he was wrong. It's a total non event.

Jesus Christ. Have you actually bothered to read the OPs other posts? Or are you the DH. 🙄 Utter tripe.

OP Yes, I’m sorry, it is shit. Your DH is manipulative, controlling and you need to stand up for yourself and your daughters.

Firstly, running is HIS hobby. Unless he’s running a full marathon or triathlonfor the first time, there is no need for you and your little dds to be at every race. That’s ridiculous.

Secondly, having to walk on eggshells creates a toxic and chronically stressful atmosphere in the house which can lead to you and especially your children living on high alert. This is very bad for your mental and physical health.

Thirdly, children with Tiger parents invariably burn out. One activity is more than enough on a Saturday. Swimming is very important but find a class after school one day. Dance is plenty on Saturdays and you need to put your foot FIRMLY down on this.

Have a look at the Relate website about emotional abuse. I grew up with a parent like your DH and it’s horribly draining for everyone.

Oh why are you defending him OP? He is playing you for a fool.