To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Yes, pretty shit.

If this carries on , what effect will it have on the kids? And you? You'll get totally ground down, trying to meet impossible expectations.

Family time needs to be rest & play, not a military operation.

Bathalfcomplainer - This is shit isn’t it?
Yes it is.

Your little girl is exhausted and losing out on one-to-one time with mum; you are exhausted pandering to the controlling, spoilt brat you are married to, and your youngest is learning what's expected of her. What are you going to do about it ?

He's sounds very needy.

Bath he has absolutely no respect for you and he's a rubbish parent and partner but you already know that. Read Ellsandra's post carefully and decide what you want you and the DC's future to be.

Sorry to hear it's all so shit.

So as long as everything is going exactly his way, he's fine... ? Oh dear.

For comparison, I take the dc to watch races only if it's nice weather and it's cheap and easy to get to. About twice a year. And they're older than yours.

Don't you get mad?

Have you ever told him to grow the fuck up? Have you tried telling him you don't give a shit how small he feels? Have you told him he deserves to feel like a twat when he behaves like one? Have you pointed out the direction of the door if he can't handle adult life?

It's no way to live OP. It will just get worse.

He just sounds so incredibly selfish. And you walking on eggshells all the time is a massive red flag. Basically he's no. 1 in your house and the rest of you fall a long way behind him and his hobbies. This isn't good for your mental health long term, is it? Something needs to change.

It’s getting worse with your every update OP.

He “rages” about clutter, but he won’t sanction outgrown clothes and toys going to the charity shop?

He won’t do an activity with one child while you do something different because “family time” - when in reality family time is you cooking and childrearing while he pisses about on his phone whilst occasionally shouting at you/the children?

He doesn't sound like a great dad, he sounds like an absolute bellend.

It's not you, it's him .

Selfish arsehole! If he's only doing it for the "glory" (i.e. so that you and your DDs can see what a Big Man he is) for finishing the runs, then he wants to wake up to himself.

It's not like it was his first London Marathon, running for a charity or someone he knew who had just died - that I could understand a bit more! - but his attitude completely sucks.

Hope he learns to grow up a bit.

Bathalfcomplainer :( it clearly is a bit shit! The updates show clearly that his shit is fairly all pervasive

I am another who thinks Ellisandra has it.

Time to say "no more" and stop doing everything his way. It's not fair on your daughters even if your not willing to stand up for yourself. It doesn't actually sound as though you do need him, his demands outweigh his contribution, unless you mean financially.

Why are you with him OP?
He sounds awful.
Life is too short for this crap.

Your daughter must be exhausted. Have you asked her what she would like to do? My daughter danced from age 2 but once she started school she didn’t want to go anymore, she was too tired! Once she got half way through year 1 she asked to start going again.

It sounds as though you have ended up where you are without really realising it was happening. Time for change though, he is controlling, selfish and not acting as an equal partner.

This is shit isn’t it?

Yep.

That's a ludicrous number of activities for a child her age on one day. And I say that as someone with overscheduled children!

And there absolutely has to be divide and conquer when it comes to spellings and reading. The younger one in our house is given colouring or goes off to play while the older one does homework.

He is very blinkered and very selfish OP.

Wow, I just came back onto the thread and read the last few threads, and honestly thought that I was on the wrong thread, and it seemed so different to when I posted. I even checked back to your OP.

There's clearly so much more to this situation (as there often is...). OP, I spent years walking on eggshells around my ex, and it was exhausting; it almost made me ill. It really is no way to live.

It's clear that he's very controlling - you are having to do everything that he wants and how he wants it, just to keep him happy. Why does he think he has the right to sit down doing what he wants after work, while you cook dinner??

The other concern is that you are showing your DDs that this is how they have to behave around men, and what they should put up with.

He honestly seems to believe that because he's a man he gets to do what he wants, and that he can control the rest of his family. Your poor DD with all those activities. Is he the one taking her from one to the other? What is he hoping to achieve by exhausting her?

I think you need to have a close look at your relationship, and have an honest talk to him about how you are feeling. Do not hold back for fear of upsetting him. If he truly loves you and his children he will want to do all he can to make you all as happy as can possibly be. He will willing to engage with relationship counselling or whatever you feel might help the situation.

I don’t believe that a man who is this selfish is only selfish over running. He’s sounds like a total arsehole.

And of course, you were 100% correct, Ellisandra!

he really has you jumping to his tune, guilting you every which way

support me
family time
you make me feel small

who support you OP and no it's not him, you will come to see this
he decides how every minute is spent...family time my arse
and the lovely bonus of manipulation to keep how you feel within his boundaries

This is not an equal marriage, you might not see it now, but you will. You must be at least five years into this relationship, take your time but please try and stop brushing his awful behaviour under the carpet with "BUT...." and "he's not usually..." or "it's only......"

Aaaand I should have read the OP's updates - yes, it's more than a bit shit.

He REALLY needs to grow up and stop trying to have it all his own way, and shout at you and your DDs whenever things don't go exactly how he wants.

I took small kids of a similar age when dh did the 5k in London. We didn't watch him start or finish. We agreed I'd take the kids to Hyde park where we had a lovely time and he joined us after. It was very chilled even with 2 small ones and me having to negotiate subways and tubes etc. If dh was insisting it was all about him I would have had heavy words with him

OP I think he's a wanker... but more seriously, an emotionally abusive one.
You and your girls deserve so much more x

He doesn't sound like a great dad, he sounds like an absolute bellend.

Great fathers treat the mother of their children well and prioritize their needs.

No wonder he doesn't want to go to counseling. He's got it all his way and he's being an utter dickhead.

But the control you have in this situation is either leaving please leave or pushing back hard. Don't take DD to so many activities, don't go to his running, take up a hobby, declutter the house, insist on being spoken to with respect or you're not listening to it.

Oh my god I now want to take back the post I just made complaining about my DP, because compared to yours mine is a down right angel!!

I really feel for you and your DD’s but think about how this is making you feel and then imagine the impact it is having on your children’s lives right now and how this must make them feel.. imagine how it is going to affect them as they get older.. this if anything should drive you to change the dynamic’s in your marriage.

Talk about mountain out of a molehill... And the comments are just making it worse! He was exhausted after his race and snapped at you. Then he realised he was wrong. It's a total non event.

OP take up running yourself and make him come and watch you with the kids.