To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Time for a weekend away with the girls, OP.

You're not happy with the way things are. I'm not saying it's all him but he won't even discuss it with you. You can't change his behaviour but you can change your situation. Does he know how miserable this situation is making you? If the answer is 'no' then you need to communicate the seriousness of your feelings. If the answer is 'yes but he doesn't care' I think you know what to do.

If your answer is, as I suspect, 'I can manage how miserable it makes me, only the kids matter and I can handle it all' please listen to someone who knows, repressing your own needs and emotions will bite you in the arse one day in the form of some kind of mental illness. I'm not joking.

although he’s a bit of a “tiger mom” in that DD#1 has 4 activities on Saturday (ballet, tap, swimming, dancing) lasting from 9am to 5:15pm - so all our Saturdays are super busy).

Your poor child. She must be exhausted at the end of all that. She’s five years old, presumably is at school all week and then is expected to spend all day Saturday doing things that your DH has signed her up for? Does he not understand that children need down time? You need to speak up for yourself and your DCs here and stop walking on eggshells and letting him rule the roost. The more you say the more awful he sounds.

He's a bully OP and he's not going to change. He doesn't want to and you're not going to be able to make him. Question is whether you're going to put up and shut up for a quiet life.

Suggest he walks from Land's End to John O'Groats and enjoy the peace while he is gone.

DD usually enjoys the activities but not always. I normally take her. It makes her tired and even harder to manage the next day. I would rather she didn’t do so much, so she could sleep more, and also do some one-on-one activities like reading of practising spelling without our two year old making noise and disruption (naturally separating into two groups to do age appropriate activities goes against the idea of family time!).

I make dinner every night after getting home from work. DH watches TV or facebook while I do this, “supervising” the kids (I.e. shouting at them if they get out of hand - the house getting messy is another rage trigger, but it’s him who keeps buying all these toys!! I’m desperately trying to declutter and reduce the amount of “stuff” in our lives but he just buys more and more and hardly ever agrees to throw something out, so we have bags of too-small clothes littering the place and overflowing shelves - a recipe for mess every night; to be fair he is the one cleaning the living room most days). It’s better when one of them comes in to help me cook, but the other one is usually palmed off with YouTube so he can carry on on the phone.

This is shit isn’t it?

When I was 6 I dragged myself to watch my Mum complete a race as she made a big deal about wanting someone to see her finish. Turns out I had a severe ear infection and ended up vomiting and having a nose bleed at the same time in the First Aid tent. Whenever my mum tells the story it is always about how no one saw her finish the race. Having a narcissist as a parent is hard work. Having one as a partner is an easier choice.

and that your job as a mother and homemaker is a non-job, and you probably sit watching TV all day. (I am assuming you are a SAHM, apologies if this is not the case, and if it isn't that makes this even worse!)

She said they both work FT. Can you imagine working all week and then bowing down to your H all fucking weekend on top of that?

It is shit, yes. He sounds so selfish.

My DH does lots of these races. He has never expected me and the DTs to be there - I've taken them along to a couple when I knew in advance of what would keep them occupied at that age but normally he goes off happily on his own.

Please stop all but one of your daughters activities. On top of school all week she must be exhausted.
You've just written it's too much for her, be her mum and stand up for her!!!!

OP - I hope you start being true to yourself and perhaps you could remind him that the races are his hobby, not yours.

I did a little 10k yesterday. My first since DS was born. Horribly undertrained and had a shocking night. I apologised profusely to my DH that the change bag wasn't sorted as I legged it to the car - I had had to prioritise expressing milk for my absence...

I am grateful that DH facilitates my hobby, and certainly don't expect him to schlep around to watch that often - he's watched a couple of obstacle races which are loopier, more set up for spectators and have potential for comedy pictures as I stack it over an inflatable penis (race for life) or wallow through chest deep mud.

Utterly, utterly shit.

We had to walk on eggshells around my dad too and it led me into a pattern of emotionally abusive relationships. Even with my wonderful DH who is extremely laid back and doesn't have a temper at all I still have an immediate "fight or flight" response at the merest hint of conflict which is really difficult for us both.

His behaviour is harmful to you and to your children. To be honest, I'm not sure it's Relate you need, but anger management counselling for him. If it were me I'd be making it a condition of continuing your marriage. But I understand how hard that is.

Packing spare clothes for a 2 year old is basic, as is leaving enough time for a change and a wash before being at the finish line

FFS. There's always one, isn't there?

I'm sure OP was already kicking herself for forgetting to pack spare clothes, haven't you ever forgotten anything? I know I have.
As for "leaving enough time for a change and a wash before being at the finish line", really?? You think the OP should have somehow been able to predict that prior to leaving the playcentre one (reliably potty trained) DC would shit themselves and the other would then vomit all over their pushchair shortly afterwards? Ridiculous.

I don't understand how anyone could read this thread and feel anything but sympathy for OP. As if it wasn't stressful enough frantically scrubbing shit and sick out of your DC's clothes in a public toilet, she then gets told it's basically her own fault she wasn't there to bask in her DH's triumph and tell him how amazing he is, because obviously that's the important thing here

He's being a selfish child.

Also at 5 you don't need to be practising spellings!!! Just let her chill out!

Why am I not surprised, Bath? He sees you as a convenient domestic appliance and his kids as pawns for him to control. He's a narcissistic wanker. All day on Sat. he expects you to take your knackered DD to activities and then spend your Sundays in the freezing cold watching him run? Honestly, that shit would just stop!

Like I said, he doesn't get to behave this way at work because he'd get sacked.

f I had agreed with DH for him to be in a certain place at a certain time, I would be disappointed if he failed to show for reasons that were entirely preventable. I'm not sure that this is the situation in this case to be honest,

One of the DCs had a toileting accident, the other DC vomited. Clearly these things were not preventable and yes you are projecting.

This is shit isn’t it?
Yes. Unequivocally.

Yes that is shit.

I don't usually throw the "controlling card around cos I think it's used too easily.

But this guy is massively controlling. He controls every damn thing in that house, overtly or insidiously.

This is shit isn’t it?

It really is. Get angry! And then use that anger to do something, even if it's only to see a therapist by yourself. I think you need someone to keep reassuring you that you're not being unreasonable.

It is absolutely shit op.

My husband runs marathons and he would absolutely love for us to be at the finishing line but he would hate for me to drag the two kids miles away and be under total stress (like you've just described) so he tells us not to come! I'm planning on going to the next local one as a surprise as it would make his day and he will be so happy. Your husband sounds like a selfish child

Yeh it's shit.

You need a backbone. He is a tit.

Walking on eggshells is not a good way to live, or to teach your kids how to live. Tell him to get to fuck.