To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

What a horrible man, father and husband. If you won't leave for yourself, please leave for your children's sakes.

I just knew from ‘marathon running’ he would be a selfish git.
How could he possibly think watching him run a marathon is a suitable activity for a young family? Then to sulk about not getting pizza when one child has puked and the other pooped themselves sums it up. It’s all about him... he will be insidiously destroying your daughters self confidence as well as yours with his rants, swearing & bad tempers.

Reconcile = capitulate.

OP read this thread as if it were a description of one of your daughters' future lives. Would you be happy? What would you tell her to do? Therein lies your answer. It really IS that simple.

It's ok guys! He's acting nice for now.

OP. Please don't wait for 'next time' and definitely do NOT show him this thread.

What a complete selfish knobhead.
Words fail me.

Does he have no understanding of how it must feel to try to keep two young children entertained hanging around watching paint dry a half marathon?
He is a pathetic little manchild. I'd be telling him the marathon watching stops now - maybe once a year if it is a really nice day and in a convenient location - but that's it.

I hope this doesn't need to be said, but whatever else happens, OP, don't have another child with this man. Your life and your childrens' lives are tough, and you need to think about how you're going to protect them in the future. Whatever else you decide to do, don't bring another baby into the mix.

My DH runs too .. he literally never asks us to go as he doesn't want DC in the cold or the crowds. We only go if it's a nice day & a suitable for the DC - he's happy with that and understands it's his hobby, not ours.

We love it when do go, usually twice a year. I could never go to all his runs.

Awww he didnt get to go for pizza. Make him some extra soldiers for his boiled egg the brave little lamb.

So he wanted to go for a pizza with two dirty kids, one of which had just been sick.

And he'd be able to enjoy that?

My flabber is gasted that people are married to creatures like this in the real world!

I do slightly know the feeling he might have. I did a sprint triathlon in my home town last year, it was a mega big deal to me for a few different reasons. Ds did manage to get there with the 2 little ones, too late to see the swim or bike but I'm time to see the grand finish. But as I crossed the finish line they were all stood looking the wrong way talking, and didn't see! And the second time, I did a 5 mile run, again in my home town, and found them all lurking 200m up the road from the finish line, again they didn't see anything just me walking up a lane resting a banana! I won't lie, both times I was mega gutted... I really want Dd who is 4.5 to be proud of my efforts! However yanbu there's no way I'd expect them to travel to another town to watch. And I've never told them how gutted I was they missed my tri triumph. I could have cried.

God a'mighty!

I actually don't know what to say. Where does one start?

His behaviour is childish and horrid.

I hope one day he learns to see things from your point of view.

@haypanky surely you realise it's a bit boring standing watching though, and if they happen to miss you, you could have called out to them to see you.

I don’t understand why you are facilitating his bullying of yourself and your DC?

Your DC will be picking up on this and the God awful atmosphere. Please don’t let them grow up thinking it’s ok to be treated this way.

Look, you are being bullied and abused. So are your children. Your family life is too busy, your DH is a lazy selfish person and actually, you don’t treat people you love like this.

I’m not sure why you’re ‘waiting till next time’ either. I mean, you admit your DD is too busy and yet you let it continue. Your DH is responsible for his bullying and childish behaviour, but you are both responsible for your children and their welfare. You either are ready to make a significant change, like leave, or you make a stand and set some ground rules around his training and around the children’s activities. Otherwise you’re enabling him and you’re not prioritising your children. I sympathise with the mental trauma and fatigue in situations like this, but you have to find the strength to do something. Now.

Sounds like a knob, "not interested " in the welfare of his two children, one soiled herself the other puked up? It was pissing down this weekend as well but he expected you all to wait on his triumph....

At this point I would get a shotgun and shout " if you enjoy running start now," while slowly lowering the barrel to be level with his eyes..

Yes it could be boring but they were both very much one-offs, I wouldn't expect them to always come as that would be unreasonable. Dreading kids somewhere they don't want to go is a nightmare. They wanted to be there. Dh just didn't quite pull it off!

He needs to get some perspective! He didn't rescue a kitten from a burning building, he ran a half marathon that would have given him an enormous sense of self achievement and I'm sure you all congratulated him sufficiently. Requiring that you battle through the crowds/parking issues/dealing with your kids needs to be the perfect supporting family on the sidelines is a bit precious to say the least.

I remember when I ran my first marathon, my DH was out of town for business and completely forgot about it so bother calling. My dad called me and the first thing he did was to ask me my race time, I told him and all he could say was "so you were half as fast as the winner then!" My dad is actually lovely, he thought he was being witty which obviously failed! My point is, no one can take away the achievement of me running my first full marathon. Your DH needs to get over it and appreciate that you tried your best and had an awful time of it due to circumstances. In your DH's shoes I'd be feeling guilty about all you went through trying to support him.

I don't think there is anymore to say really. But I'm going to anyway .

Life with your dh sounds so stressful and exhausting for you. He is expecting perfection from you and you get nothing when you live up to that expectation. When you can't be perfect, because your human and fallible like the rest of us you get rages.

Your walking on eggshells and your dds will be feeling all the anxiety you are x100.

You say you've reconciled now, but you already know this will happen again. Please take the time while things are calm to look into your finances etc. and think about how you could do without him financially.

P.S. the 'tiger mum' stuff with your dad is very worrying. He's expecting her to live up to his ideas of perfection too, and if she fails or gets tired he's not likely to be sympathetic is he?

*Dd

How about next time it happens you throw him a bag, tell him ‘to pack some clothes, and leave until he can show you and the dc some respect, and treat you as equals’

Bloody hell, I hope you read this thread and begin to get some perspective on how abusive he is to you and to your children. And start making plans for him to leave.