To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Also this

i'd have taken him at his word and gone home with the kids and the park and ride tickets

then when he made contact about how he was getting home he could have had a "not interested" text right back

He sounds like a complete prick, in future he can go to races alone. Cancel some of the classes for your daughter and ensure you have alone time.

Your choice to spend your life with a bulling angry nasty man. Your children don't have a choice and it sounds just awful. Angry dad shouts at them for pretty much anything, no card, daring to poo when he needed them at the finish line, mum too scared to stand up to him, made to do activities non-stop and too scared themselves to say no.

This is an awful thread actually and I think you've lost sight of just how bad your husband's behaviour is.

@Bathalfcomplainer I hope you are ok and if the time comes to leave know that you will be ready. Sometimes the dh does not change and you find you must plan to have your own life. Maybe not today but it’s always good to have a plan.

I read the first post and eas going to tell you to get a hobby and do it weekly. Then i read the updates and want to cry for you and your children. Leave this abusive man. men cant be described as good men if they only arent abusive if you do as you are told. Thats an abusive man with a conditoned wife.

Leave. Get help to leave as he wont make it easy.

@Bathalfcomplainer. Only you can decide whether what you get out of being with your dh is worth all the angst and treading on eggshells.

But please do think of the effect this will be having on your children. Your dh was more concerned that you weren't watching him come over the line than for the welfare of his children. I get it, it's disappointing. But surely a decent person would swallow that and make sure you and the kids were actually ok? Sulking because he couldn't have his celebratory pizza instead of popping to the shop and getting clean clothes for the eldest, and the youngest if needed shows how little he actually cares for all 3 of you.

You don't need him because you are already bearing the brunt of parenting. But I understand that you still want him.

Really? Wow. He's a delight.

If you think people around you don't notice, they do. I always remember a dad at ballet who used to berate his wife, I can't even remember what for, in the car when he thought no-one was listening. The wife looked resigned to it, the children were quiet and subdued. He told her she was a selfish b, hissed at her as she hadn't done some minor thing he wanted her to do. I could tell that's what he was like every weekend, I saw him do it twice. I just remember thinking- why, why would anyone think this was an ok environment for children.

He's pathetic. Why do you want your children to live like this?

You deserve better.

Op - Why wait until 'the next time' ?

He is actively looking for reasons to be annoyed with you, or with the kids - ACTIVELY LOOKING! The 'birthday cards' failure shows that! In the midst of a lovely break, with 'family time' and having completely denied you any time to buy the cards - he fixes on that. because he can use the big stick to beat you.

The fact that you were looking after your dirty children instead of adoring him at the finish line - actively looking.

FGS leave him. For your kids sake, leave him. For your sake, leave him.

OP not only is this no relationships for you but my god it’s no way for your children to live at all. Forced to do activities and to watch their Dad run - half marathons are not spectator sports

3 females lives revolve around one male and his needs and whims that is not a good example for your children and is clearly stressing them out

Why do you think DD2 had an accident because she was stressed

Really hope you realise, soon, that you are living with an emotionally abusive cunt and you and your children deserve so much more.

I've just read all of your posts - honestly OP - leave him NOW!

he will get worse, not better, and you are not only suffering yourself, you are teaching your DDs (by your example) that a woman's place is in the wrong - getting shouted at, dragged round at a man's behest, fetching and carrying and never considering either her own or her children's needs.

If you aren't prepared to do it for you, do it for them.

You are being abused.

Do NOT show him this thread OP

i'd have taken him at his word and gone home with the kids and the park and ride tickets

Lol. But, yes, this. That level of dramatic histrionics deserves a good long cold walk home to think about it and cool down. I’m surprised you didn’t text him once your dd soiled herself and said “sorry can’t be there to see you finish, have to get home as dd has soiled herself, get an Uber and we can order a pizza in.”

Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

You missed your cue there. Your response should have been, "Not interested."

Seriously though, the more you post the more it is quite clear that the events yesterday are just the tip of a very large iceberg and indicative of a much bigger underlying problem.

Not only is your so called DH a selfish self centred twat, he is also abusive and controlling. I can't get over the fact he makes your poor little 5 year old do four, FOUR activities on a Saturday after a whole week at school. I feel exhausted for her just thinking about it. One activity is quite enough. She needs time to chill out and do her own thing, as we all do.

And it is most certainly NOT good for your children to grow up in a toxic environment where there are regular major bust ups with Daddy raging and stomping, slamming doors and yelling the F word right left and centre.

Think how scary that must be for tiny children.This is emotional abuse and will damage your daughters for life if you let it continue. There are countless adults on here who have posted about how shit their mental health and self esteem is, having grown up with an abusive parent.

Don't let that happen to your daughters. You need to protect them and remove them from this shit atmosphere. Don't think of it as breaking up their family and their home. Think of it as safeguarding and protecting them.

You can get good advice from Women's Aid. Ring them. You may have to try the number several times. 0808 2000 247

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Take care OP

What a pathetic needy prick.

Is he like this in other areas?

Oh lovely, you deserve more than this pathetic, downright unpleasant man. He is extremely selfish and nasty and it WILL be impacting on your children.
You’re meant to be a team...when everything goes wrong as they often can with young children and toilet/vomit/etc you should be giving each other a cuddle when you meet up, not what he did to you. He is cruel, end of. I really hope you find the strength to leave him, life is so fleeting and this is not love and respect on his side.

Ugh, he needs to realize that waiting around just to watch someone cross the finish line (especially when this isn't a hard-won first success) is just not that interesting for anyone, much less young children. Ridiculous of him to expect it of you, honestly.

Hello OP,for you,you had a tougher time than he did!
He is being extremely unreasonable,self centres and immature.
Perhaps you could take up a hobby and let him look after the children,he might then have some sense of your non stop hard work.
I've run marathons with nobody at the end,it's no big deal!
Perhaps we could club together and rent a crowd and some paparazzi for his next run😀

he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted. Is he fucking ten?!?

The races really wipe our weekend out.

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity.

I make dinner every night after getting home from work. DH watches TV or facebook while I do this, “supervising” the kids (I.e. shouting at them if they get out of hand… the other one is usually palmed off with YouTube so he can carry on on the phone.

This triggered the biggest bust up of recent times. He was utterly outraged by not getting a card… Absolute stomping fuming door-slamming psychotic episode for that one!

He's a cunt. He is abusing and terrorising his family. Get out.

As @Stripyhoglets said

No yanbu and I'd not be dragging the kids out again to watch any more of his triumphs now either.

It's lovely for you to be doing that for him but honestly, the minute he starts taking if for granted is time for you to be spending a bit of time on your hobbies, so it's his turn to be going the childcare

just when something goes wrong and stresses him out.

Time for some new ground rules. Anyone can be charming when everything goes their way, it's when the chips are down that matters.

When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity.

Wow, just wow

Don't brush this off as you giving a false impression of him. Please read your posts as if you were someone else, a sister, friend or daughter. Sigh.

OP, you deserve better than this, as do your daughters.

My Ex-H was similar, extremely controlling of our time and spent hours playing golf but would then guilt trip me into not doing anything in my own time so that we could spend 'family time' together. It was just another way to control me and what I did. He would also look for things to be upset about as it sounds like your H does.

Please seriously think about the life you want for your daughters.

So SuperDad arranges all these wonderful activities for your daughter on Saturdays but does precisely none of the work involved in getting her to and from them?

Door slamming psychotic episode for not getting birthday cards when you'd arranged a special treat for his sodding birthday? You cannot be expected to live with this, and you absolutely can't expect your children to do so.

You can't do wrong from right with this man can you? He wants you to do everything, the way he wants, the way he says. The same with his dd.

Yes he is emotionally abusive to you. Yes he's controlling to you and his children. He demands his vision of perfection from you whilst being a bare basic father and husband. He's doing the same to your dd which you will need to address.

I suspect you (meaning you put in the effort and he lapped it up) reconciled because he decided you've been punished enough until your next 'transgression'. Do your dds a favour, put them first over him before they step out of the role he's decided for them and they take the emotional abuse.