To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

There's no point in relationship counselling together because he will try to manipulate and control the session.
Go to Relate on your own. You can even do it by email. You need help to establish boundaries and to decide what you want to do about this relationship. Relate (even just by email) will give you a little space to yourself. Currently your life is all about him. You've disappeared. Counselling will help you find yourself again

Oh, OP. I know it probably feels like you're getting a bit of a bashing on here but it's just because we can all see the life you're living from a distance, while you're caught in the middle of the storm.

I think it's a really unhealthy relationship and it WILL damage your DDs. It already has, if I'm being honest.

I would rather she didn’t do so much, so she could sleep more

So cancel a couple of the activities. You're her main carer, just do it.

and hardly ever agrees to throw something out

Why do you need his permission? Just throw it out. He has got you so well trained to defer to him for every tiny thing, it sounds like you've forgotten how to think for yourself.

Stop dragging the poor kids out for every race. Do something fun with them instead. Waiting for him to run past for a second to boost his ego sounds draining and very boring for you all.

Please do start to imagine what life without this controlling, abusive, raging man could look like. Imagine how peaceful it would be not having to walk on eggshells or waiting for the next outburst.

Please prioritise yourself and your DD.

It's hard to start realising that your life is not the way you saw it and you are forced to look a bit more closely.You don't want to break up a happy family but it is already broken,I hope you realise this before it breaks you and your girls.

Remove your daughter from 2 of the clubs, and the other two, tell your husband to take her.
Allocate some of the housework to him.
Do not go to his races.
Your relationship has become terribly unequal, and he is taking advantage of you.

I would threaten him if things don't change, that the relationship will be over. And ask him how he'll manage his training regime and competitions when he has sole care of two young DC half the week.
He's a dreadful father, husband and a dreadful role model. The swearing is just the beginning.

Btw, how is going to work when the DC want to invite friends round after school, or at weekends?

Obviously you'll be doing all the work, setting up the relationship with the other parents, the invitation, making sure the house is clean, food available, supervising etc.

But then. Will it be:

a) No-one wants to go back to your DC's house because of her shouty dad. Or;

b) You (and your DC?) get an evening of being shouted at, because children playing, naturally make a mess (and don't naturally tidy up after themselves, especially when busy and excited).

So your DC stop asking you to invite their friends over because they're scared of / embarrassed by their dad's reaction.

OP - read the post you made at 10.13am back and pretend it was someone else that had posted that on here. What would you think/advise them?

You are living with a very controlling, manipulative abuser.

For the sake of you and your children - RUN FOR THE HILLS!

I haven't got children but I have been in a similar setup - the episodes you descirbe. What you say resonates so well - hunger was one of his excuses - his blood sugar level dropping was the excuse for the child like behaviour.

Seriously, get yourself out now.

xx

He has done a right job on you OP.

I am particularly saddened by your 5 year old being forced to do 4
different activities every Saturday. She has no say in this does she?

I have a 5 year old that has several after school activities scattered through the week. She used to horse ride on a Saturday morning until she started saying she was tired...

Your dd's little body must be exhausted. I am sorry for her.

Next time it happens...

Your poor girls. Think of them, witnessing bust ups, run ragged with activities and no downtime (he's keeping you busy so he can do his running, if he truly loved them he'd be having fun with them, instead you're all exhausted and out of the way), picking up swear words, living in the shadow of his temper, learning in relationships you tow the line to please the man.

And you're resigned to putting THEM through a next time ffs.

They'll end up in abusive relationships, or be fucked up as adults, or if they get past that they will end up NC with you both - him for being an arsehole and you for facilitating it.

There shouldn't be a next time for them.

Leave.

Op don’t underestimate the affects of his bullying and micromanaging on yourself and your children.
You know what you feel about your dds activities and the control your dh has over your and your children’s time.
I’m a big believer in people knowing and acting on their instincts. Look at your children and do the best for them.
Don’t be scared of rocking the boat or initiating an argument. We need to have arguments sometimes to get a good balance in relationships.
You can try to change things or you might need to leave the relationship. Just don’t be passive.

You've married a selfish asshole. You need to stand up for yourself.

It has already been said.

He is now in the nice part of the nice/nasty abuse cycle also because you have grovelled and got back in the hole he has dug for you. And that is a continuous cycle.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar behaviours from your own parents?.

Your children and you are but bit part players with he being at the centre of his own universe. Your children cannot and must not grow up seeing this relationship as a role model because you are really describing an abusive relationship here. Where is your own line in the sand to say no more?.

Joint counselling will be a non starter here anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children who are seeing all this and copying his bad language already. They are really like sponges here; they see and hear all that happens around them.

Does your 5 year old being at school all week then doing a full day of activities on a Saturday? It tired me out even reading about the four activities she does in a day lol.

No YANBU and I say that as the runner in my family. I wouldn't expect DH to hang around with DD for over two hours that it would take me to run a half marathon. If I do a run in our home town they might come and see me at the end as they can come out as I'm nearly finished but even then I wouldn't expect it.

I remember going to one or two little friend's houses as a child, which must be something like yours.

The Dad sat on the sofa, watching TV, making comments and demands of anyone and everyone present in his kindgom, interfering with their toys and games, including visiting children. No-one else could just get on with their own thing. There was a feeling of tension, stress, pleading and placating in the air.

I didn't go back to those houses and chose not to play with those children (outdoors, playing in the street days) so much.

I would have gone straight back to the car and taken the children home. It's as if you have three children, not just two.

I know two marriages that have split up as a result of one or other partner taking up running and triathlon. There's something about the triathlon in particular that turns people into egomaniacs and obsessives. Both of the partners spent years enduring training schedules, huge amounts of money spent on gyms and equipment, hours standing around in the cold waiting for them to finish and then days of hearing all about the wins/ losses. It can make people very self-centred.

What Ministerforcheekyfuckery said at 10.13.

Horrible man, not a good parent or husband. Yes OP it's shit. It's not your fault and YANBU at all.

He should have been phoning you to check you were OK, not worrying about himself.

Your life sounds utterly exhausting and I am amazed you have made it through this long. As awful as this event was, if it's the wake up call to make a change maybe you will be happy in the end that he did it and showed you (again) who he truly is.

for you as I know in a different context it is very hard to face up to home truths about your own life and choices, and very comforting and tempting to settle for the status quo like a slowly boiled frog.

I also have a 5 and 2 year old and the more I think about this the more I can't even imagine how you manage it... As you say, his "turn" of doing the same thing 10 minutes from your house is not at all comparable, as he would realise if he had even the tiniest bit of imagination.

Seriously, as someone who ahs spent 30 years with a man who loves his sport I bowed out a long, long time ago. I won't ever stop him doing it, but he was told in no uncertain terms, that I wont be part of his sport. To put it frankly, I simply am not interested in either the football, the cricket, the golf or the F1.

I think it was the day he told me (I was about 22 at the time) that it was my turn to make the cricket tea and sandwiches as the other wives and girlfriends had all had a turn that he got the message.

I never did make the cricket tea or ever go to another football match again.

OP, this isn't a one off marathon that you are super proud of, it is his life. Don't make it yours.

Christ just bloody leave. My father was a selfish, prick of a man and we had to tread on eggshells. It messed me right up and I’ve never had a decent relationship. Don’t fuck up your daughters futures.

Running the half marathon is much easier than looking after 2 small children while he does it. Maybe you should ask where was he when you had two children covered in cr*p needing a hand and he is out there tarting along in his game of running.

Speaking from experience
DO NOT SHOW HIM THE THREAD OR LET
HIM KNOW
YOUR MN ID

No yanbu and I'd not be dragging the kids out again to watch any more of his triumphs now either.

This - the very first comment on the thread, and it tells you all you need to hear.

He's a dick!

Tell him you might have some respect if he ran an actual marathon.

I’d tell him I’d have more respect if he ran the fucking Hoover round occasionally.

Everything you wrote is about him, his wants, his needs. While you and your DD’s run round after him. He is one selfish prick.

When is anything ever about you OP?