To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Ok op. So, despite hundreds of posters telling you he's abusing you, you've decided this is acceptable for you and your daughters one life. I'm not sure what's gone on in your life to make you have so little self worth. Come back when you're ready to listen, understand, and leave. We'll be here to support you

Gosh I wouldn't be waiting for next time!! Leave him. I don't think I've ever posted that before, but seriously, leave him. This life sounds horrible

Please don’t show him the thread. This is your private safe space. He isn’t going to suddenly have an epiphany because a group of women think he’s horrid.

Oh dear, OP. I was going to say so many things but then I read the whole thread.

You know this is all wrong. What you decide to do is up to you. I hope that you posted on here because you are ready to make a change.

Why do women have to watch. Ditto cricket and rugby wives.

Because of entitlement. They expect it. What they don't expect is reciprocity !

Get yourself a hobby ! Most new dads see themselves as 'enlightened' in the whole Male/female roles issue .. it's simply conditioning. Until it actually affects them they won't take any notice because it's not 'real' .
Take up a sport, activity or a life challenge . Practice it the same amount of time as he runs. Leave the girls with him. Don't 'organise' anything. No bags, no food, no entertainment. Just do EXACTLY the same amount that he does for you when he is running...

Mate. This is truly, truly shit. It's no way to live.

My 10 yr old has 1 activity a week on a Tuesday evening. It's really not essentially for kids to spend every non school hour 'doing an activity'. Cut the Saturday activities down to one or even none. You both work full-time. When do you get time to chill?

OP you said there are times when you are 'walking on eggshells'. Anyone that says they do this but then tries to minimise it by saying their husband is a great dad, husband etc, is lying to themselves.
That is NEVER a feature of a good loving supportive relationship.

Make time to go to Relate.

I'm sorry you're living with a selfish fuckwit.

He sounds just like my brother, right down to the kids being forced to do far too many activities, which his wife had to facilitate.
His poor wife finally divorced him and is so much happier. The kids are pretty screwed up though and my brother is still a narcissistic man baby.

Christ on a bike, I've just caught up and there's some really stupid comments on here.

Op I'm sure that in the tick of it you can't see the wood for the trees because you're so exhausted. Sit down and read the entire thread and hopefully you'll see you and your girls will be so much better off without him.

And a good father would not insist a five year old does that much activity crammed in to one day, that's poor parenting. And it would be interesting to hear from her teacher at parents evening regards how's she's engaging on a Monday morning, the poor lamb must be exhausted and for her and her sisters sake, it has to stop.

Fgs yanbu he sounds like a spoilt child

Did you have 25 days off last year to pursue a hobby while he had the kids?

Ffs everywhere you turn there are these emotionally abusive twats quietly making their partner’s / children’s lives a complete misery. I’m really so sorry you are in this situation, op. I hope you have some support elsewhere in your life because it sounds as though you are going to need it.

For now though, at the very least, you need to reduce DD1s Saturday activities. 4 is too many and she’s very young. Reception children are worn out enough by school, she doesn’t need a Saturday like that.

Absolutely stop going to watch these runs.

Start prioritising the well-being of your children and yourself, because somebody has to and your dh certainly is not. Start that now.

Finally, consider a support thread in the relationships topic. There is such great advice over there. Have a read of the thread about the husband who sulks. You will realise you are not alone.

Good luck.

Invite him to attend and cheer at every minor victory in your life and the lives of your children, then carve out time equivalent to the time he spends training and hand over the children to him. Invent some challenge for yourself (I am sure we can help you with this!) that requires him to hang around all day with the children and then turn up at the end to watch you do something for about 3 seconds.

You know he is being an ass. I am married to a cyclist and we have long given up supporting these events. We have been to a few but there have been a few stern words that dragging the children out for a day spent hanging around waiting to see him for all of 3 and a half seconds is not really what I class of as fun.

But next time it happens I might.

OP No, don’t show him this thread.

I understand that it’s frightening and sad to realise that you are in a controlling, emotionally manipulative relationship. It’s a lot to take in and I get that.

But please don’t let the shutters come down, the denial kick in and “well he’s not THAT bad” start playing in your mind.

The horrid truth is, he IS that bad. He’s a bully and a manipulator.

If you can’t make changes for yourself, do it for your girls before they become permanently damaged. Do it for them by setting an example of what not to tolerate in life. Do it so they have a calm parent and a calm home to come back to after school. Don’t they deserve that?

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

Wow, a man-child competing against his own small DC and their basic physical needs, for your attention!

(How far would he push that? How much physical and mental discomfort is he willing to put them in, to retain your focus on his ego? I think this is an important question and the answer may be quite revealing - and will naturally reveal itself to you over time).

And he's taught your four-yo the F word? Is he actively trying to sabotage her social interactions and chances of playdates, so as to keep you busy running after everyone at home?

Is he a jealous man? Scared to let you out alone, or allow you time to yourself, in case you interact with other men? Or is it all pure ego-servicing (him as running god, him as head of household, dictating 'family time' and DC activities that he doesn't even take them to!!)?

Next time he asks you to come to his race you have your answer; 'I'm not interested'.

You can do something fun for the DC for the next race day. Then he covers the other day that weekend with the DC, while you pursue an interest of your own (be that sitting in cafe, watching a film, catching up with friends, wandering aimlessly outdoors or around shops, whatever you like).

Clearly, weekends need to be shared out: his free time / your free time / everyone servicing DC activities and keeping the other one entertained time / family time.

Most of all, stop letting him boss you around and dictate everything. You don't have to 'finish an argument', or justify your position to him - he's not your boss. JUST SAY NO and don't do the thing you don't want to do.

I think this behaviour is a mix of being depressed and being an arsehole. It's definitely very unreasonable on his part, and very reasonable for you to be upset by this. Shitty behaviour is not easily treatable :( but I would also be worried that perhaps there's something undiagnosed going on with his health.

I run races several times a year and really enjoy them but have never even suggested that my family go to cheer me up. It would be nice if they did - it's very cute when families do - but most races as you say are very boring to watch and hard to get to. It's really not fun for the supporting side of the family.

Yes this is shit.
I’d like to go to relate because my husband is a selfish asshole but We tried to go Relate but we both work full time and there is literally no time in our schedule when we could go. Plus he doesn’t want to.

I fixed that for you.

You're reconciled now.......I imagine because you apologised and grovelled to make it up to him. I lived that life, it was exhausting, I managed 25 years then left. It just gets worse, your poor kids.

Your poor DD doing all those Saturday clubs. He's probably the one who pushed for his 2 year old to be potty trained, no doubt leaving you to do it whilst he pisses about on his phone and buggers off training.

Your life sounds sad OP but just realise this....the more control you give him, the more he will expect. He sounds horrible, I feel so sad for you :(

Would you like to work all week and then spend a whole day on Saturday doing exercise? Just throwing it out there because you need to put yourself in your 5yo's shoes. One activity is plenty at that age, possibly two if they're really interested.

I would get your ducks in a row. Speak to family if you can, or women's aid if you can't. Speak to a solicitor. You are showing your children that this sort of man is how men are and who they should aspire to be with. A great dad supports the mother of his children and a great partner is someone you can sensibly discuss things with, not someone you're scared to upset.

Get divorced and watch him squirm as he not only will need to have the children on his own but it's bound to interfere with his training and races.

The simple answer to your question is YABU to be upset. You should be really, really angry.

Think about it. He wanted you to take your young DC outside, undressed, cold, shit-covered and vomiting, in order to cheer him for doing something he's done 25 times already. That's what he wanted. What do you feel about that?

My God I just RTFT.

OP, he has you brainwashed into thinking his behaviours is ok.

DON'T show him this. Just sort your finances out and then chuck the fucker out.

He is ruining your life and he will ruin that of the DCs too by his behaviour.

"You're just trying to make me feel small"

His ego has been allowed to grow wild and free and unlimited, he is the centre and star of his own world - ANY slight deviation from what he wanted and expected is seen as an outrageous imposition because he's used to everything being exactly how he pictured it.

What do you think will happen the first time your daughter is old enough to say "But Daddy, I don't WANT to go to swimming, I'm tired!" - do you think he'll calmly say "OK darling, you don't have to do that any more, let's go home"?

Jesus Christ, this guy is a cuntweasel

I agree with @Ellisandra post earlier on.

This is no way to live OP. I’d cancel the Saturday classes for your daughter (seriously how is he a ‘tiger mom’ if it’s you that takes her?!) and use Ellisandra’s script. He sounds like an abusive cunt.

^ When someone says they have to "^walk on eggshells" in a relationship

more details always reveal they are with an abusive bully

He bullies you and he bullies your kids
What a miserable life

I hope you can plan to LTB