To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

You must be utterly exhausted

Years ago I went away for a weekend gliding. It was full of young women with young children basically hanging around watching the man have fun in the sky. I didn’t understand then and I don’t now. Why do women have to watch. Ditto cricket and rugby wives.

We have big bust ups. He’s not above having these in the open while the kids are around (including F this, Bloody that, describing our home as a shitheap, all while they can hear).

I had parents like the two of you. I hated my childhood. The fear and anxiety that my parents' arguments and volatility induced still affects me today, in my forties, and has held me back in my professional life and relationships. I wish they had divorced and resent them enormously.

Please do not let the same happen to your kids.

I'd be giving him a massiiiive piece of my mind involving graphic content about the shit and vomit and if he wasnt begging for forgiveness by the end i'd LTselfishB

You mentioned he refuses to throw out old clothes the DC have outgrown even though he can't stand mess...is this because he wants another child OP? If so how do you feel about that?

He sounds pretty childish, selfish and generally awful, OP.

Was it a particularly good performance that he put in yesterday? Did he get a PB or similar.

I run as well, and have done HM's etc in various remote places but don't expect my family to traipse along. They all support me but don't come along to wait at the finish line.

The one exception was a couple of years ago when I did a 10km run locally. DH and I had been arguing about something in the morning and there was a bad atmosphere, but the dc wanted to see my run so he brought them along. I told DH roughly how long it would take so that they could be waiting at the finish line. It was a hot day and the run was on a very bumpy, hilly, difficult route through countryside, much harder than I'd expected. I really had to push myself to make it to the finish, and had kept myself going by imagining by dc's excited faces at the finish line. I finished in a really good time, utterly exhausted, practically at the point of collapsing to the ground, and looked around but dh & dc were no-where to be seen. It took me a couple of minutes to find them, queuing up to buy bacon sandwiches from a catering stand. I must admit, I had a bit of a tantrum at that point, and stormed off to the car in a huff. Not my proudest moment and not a way I would ever normally behave! I can only put it down to the utter mental and physical exhaustion of the run.

But then, given your dh's tantrum over the birthday card, it's probably not the same

Why do women have to watch. Ditto cricket and rugby wives.
Because the gods need to be idolised; otherwise, they aren't gods, just ordinary mortals like the rest of us.

I would simply find a self absorbing hobby of my own that requires HIM to hang around and amuse children.. before 'cheering me on' .. nothing like a taste of their own medicine to make your point .!

You’re not BU at all. My other half does massively long sporting events & entertaining small children during these is sometimes extremely stressful. We only go to select ones now.

Your husband was being an idiot, it's a half marathon around town, nothing noteworthy. You were being unreasonable to go watching him in the freezing cold in the first place! I say this as someone who has run marathons myself and watch my husband too. I couldn't think of anything worse than hanging around in the cold with 2 small kids to keep entertained.

I really feel for you what happened with your children, it couldn't have got much worse! Good thinking with the jacket 😊.

I feel so sorry for you. Your poor DC.

I would have told him in no uncertain terms the way you spoke to me was disgusting.

Your poor DC being taught that daddy's rages are more important than their own basic needs and rights. Can you end the marriage? It sounds hellish. You and they deserve so much more from life.

@TheLoneWolfDies

Why do people come onto other peoples threads to project their own nonsence? Seriously mrsm if you want to complain about your husband, make your own thread. Dont try to derail someone elses because you want a good moan.
This is awful OP, I dont have any advice that hasnt already been given but I do hope you realise that this is wrong and you deserve better x

Yes, its obvious that as this thread has progressed that its very different to my situation, and there are much bigger issues at play. The opening post, however, could have been very similar to the frustrating situations I deal with daily, and another perspective is always useful. Often it is exactly putting yourself in the other persons shoes that can help you to resolve issues.

I've admitted openly that I'm projecting, and just trying to look at it from the other point of view. I have apologised to the OP for derailing. I'm not sure why the need to keep referencing this further?

What a big baby he is. No one cares about his stupid running. Does he really think it’s the highlight of your week? I would never watch again after this, but frankly I would probably only have watched the first one.

I have read all the OP's posts and he just sounds worse and worse.

I don't know what to suggest, though Elisabeta's advice way back was good. But I don't think you should continue like this and if he refuses to change then you are left with no option but to leave, I think.

My goodness me was it his sports day and mummy couldn’t make it?!
What an idiot. How often do you get time to yourself and he looks after the dc. Anyone who looks after younger dc regularly enough understands plans very rarely go to plan!
He doesn’t sound like he has a clue how difficult it can be with two young dc. I’d be passing them onto him as often as possible OP otherwise his expectations won’t change.

Well at least you know what to get him next birthday...a card...just the card...

its is apparently the most important thing ever!

Thank you for your thoughts everybody. I am going to sign off now as I am supposed to be working, not crying (WFH so I can take DD to Rainbows after school!!!!!).

I will not be showing this thread to anyone as we are currently in a mostly reconciled state and I don’t want to ruin the week. But next time it happens I might.

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-nan-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

Have a look at The Demand Man. I'll bet you'll recognise some stuff.

Op, this is so very shit, it could read as if you're joking.
Why are you still with him?

Why are you waiting for next time? This pattern will be your whole life unless you change it

"Next time it happens..."

You're just resigned to this life, aren't you? He's trained you to accept the crumbs of a life.

(although he’s a bit of a “tiger mom” in that DD#1 has 4 activities on Saturday (ballet, tap, swimming, dancing) lasting from 9am to 5:15pm - so all our Saturdays are super busy).

Sorry, there is a huge amount to address in your posts but first and foremost this is a MAJOR issue. My DS is 6 so similar to your DD1. He does 3 set activities a week after school, dance on Monday, swimming on Wednesday and training for his team sport on Fridays. These are all his choice and tbh, he wants to do more activities but I'm trying to stagger his interests as I'm very, very conscious of burnout. He badly wanted to do swimming but I insisted we wait until after Christmas to see how he was coping. Every ten weeks his dance term ends and I check with him about how he feels about continuing.

His school is super laid back, play based and has a no homework policy, and he's an only child with a work at home parent so doesn't attend childcare. If any one of those things wasn't true he'd do one activity a week, if at all. Even still as we reach the end of the school year I'm keeping a careful eye on him because he is definitely in need of more time to chill out. I cancelled nearly all our plans for this weekend as it's clear he badly needed a few days to chill out at home, play with his toys, watch tv and even a bit of youtube. Kids desperately need to just chill out sometimes. Even if they love their activities, it's our responsibility as parents to save them from themselves sometimes.

In your case your daughter seems at best ambivalent about her activities. At worst in desperate danger of burning out. Swimming is exhausting in itself, so swimming and possibly a drop in dance class that she can do if she feels like it would be more than enough for her. Your husband isn't being a great father by organising these classes and then leaving you to deal with the ferrying her about and coping with her exhaustion. That's bordering on abusive to both of you. Your daughter needs her weekends to chill, relax, connect with her family. Not work on her reading or spelling either other than maybe to cuddle up with a parent and be read stories.

A LOT needs to change in your family for your children because if it doesn't it will get worse and worse as time goes on.

Tell him you might have some respect if he ran an actual marathon. Until then, it's not worth your while to cope with his children while he prances around.

Dick.

Well I have just spent some time reading the thread and seeing your updates. He is a first class narcissistic prick. Read over your own posts again and just ask yourself - is this what you want for the next 5/10/30 years of your life? You get one chance, don't ruin it by spending it with someone who treats you like shit.

Your children will already be influenced by his shit behaviour and will grow up walking on those eggshells too, either turning out to be a doormat partner like you or, hopefully for them, rebelling at some stage and walking away from you both - him because he's just a prick and you because you put up with him.

Just because he won't go to relate doesn't mean you can't go to counselling for yourself - you need help to build your self esteem and stand up for yourself. Get that help asap and make a move towards changing your life for the better.

As for your 5 year old doing so many activities on a Saturday, put your foot down and cut them all. Give the child a bloody break and some semblance of a normal childhood, as opposed to running and racing around having her exhausted. Do you really think she'll look back at these years and thank you for that?

OP - well, while you're walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst (which you clearly know will come) may I suggest that you start getting all your ducks in a row - look at your finances and speak to family (I'll bet they'll know all is not as it should be) to see if they can help out once you remove yourself and your DC from this man, have a look at places to rent etc.

Because it will happen. And you need to have a plan. You cannot allow yourself and your DC to live in such an atmosphere. You are teaching them how to behave with an angry man.