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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

407 replies

Tempnamech4nge · 17/03/2019 23:05

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 22:41

Mind you I wouldn't put it past him to be enraged and start making calls to my local safeguarding children's department and complain.

Oh stuff it I'm just going to block him now and get it over and done with. Bracing myself for a shit storm but being on the fence is doing nothing for my anxiety and I want it over and done with.

OP posts:
blondiehip · 18/03/2019 22:41

If it were me I would wait for the next mean comment and blow up over that and make them think it was their fault and it was the last straw.

So your ignoring him now now... you are likely to get a shitty message soon. Don't reply straight away... then after a day of so, reply and say your phone has been playing up and just received all the horrible messages and you are so disappointed in his reaction. You can't continue to be friends with someone who treats you like that and from this point on will be blocking him.

Then it's his own fault and you haven't done it for no reason

Studentnurse1981 · 18/03/2019 22:42

Yeah send him that exact msg

Ozzybobgoblin · 18/03/2019 22:42

I second " wantmyflipflops" message, then if he continues to hassle you, block

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 22:43

He's now blocked. Oh god I'm nervous now Blush

OP posts:
Ozzybobgoblin · 18/03/2019 22:44

Yay! Well done Smile

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 22:45

Yay well done...note down everything he says or does from this moment...just in case he turns on you

Ozzybobgoblin · 18/03/2019 22:47

Did you block him on sm and your phone ?

TowelNumber42 · 18/03/2019 22:47

You are still trying to appease him. It won't work.

The crazy members of my family would massively use a message like that against me.

All you need to say is "This friendship isn't what I want any more. I am going to cut contact for a while to focus on myself and my family. Bye TempName."

Any further messages can be met with a one off like "I understand that you are upset but my family comes first. You won't hear from me again." Then block.

TowelNumber42 · 18/03/2019 22:48

X-post. Glad you blocked him. It'll be fine.

LittlePaintBox · 18/03/2019 22:49

Afraid I haven't had time to RTFT, but the insistence on photos and videos set my spidey senses off. I tend to be a bit OTT about safeguarding, but requesting pics and videos of children you don't know IRL strikes me as odd.

I'm glad you've decided to set up some clear boundaries. If you stick to them, you may find he lets go more easily than you fear, if he's as lazy as you say he is.

HappyLife21 · 18/03/2019 22:50

I would t bother telling lies, I think that’s a bit weirdly unnassertive. You are allowed to not be friends with someone! Well done for blocking him!

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 22:58

He's blocked on Facebook, IG, WhatsApp and my phone's SMS and call list.

He can't get through to me now unless he makes another account, which is what I expect him to do at some point.

If/when he does I'm going to ignore whatever he sends then if he starts to bombard me I'll look at the harassment route although I'm not sure how viable that legislation is if you haven't directly told them to leave you alone first.

Knowing him he's going to be angry and feel 'used' because of everything he's sent us. It won't register to him that we didn't ask for any of it, he'll see it as me obtaining a load of stuff and then chinning him off after deciding hes no longer beneficial to me.

OP posts:
gingerbread88 · 18/03/2019 23:00

Sounds very needy and one sided and yes - manipulative on their part. It's quite telling that the attention and presents ramped up after your partner was slightly off the scene.
I would massively reduce contact and do it gradually over a few weeks as completely cutting off could send them quite nasty.
I think you have given them enough of your precious time already and the new baby is the perfect excuse. Who has time to wait in for wax bloody melts.
Can I just ask how you met this person in the first place if you have never visited them or vice verse? No judgement, just wondering....

Raspberrytruffle · 18/03/2019 23:03

He's like single white female Shock

itswinetime · 18/03/2019 23:04

If Its needed and you have to pursue the harassment route then keep in mind in my experience the police can do nothing until you have explicit told him to stop contacting you. So if he does start contacting you be quick and clear with your response.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 23:08

@gingerbread88 I met them through friends where I lived before. We've met up lots (in a group setting and 1on1) before I relocated and had children. It has only been since I moved some years ago that I haven't seen them in person, but they've been a constant via Facebook and other social media ever since Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 23:09

Just to reiterate for anyone who hasn't RTFT there has never been any romantic connection, no dates, no flirting, absolutely nothing whatsoever and it has been entirely platonic from day one which makes it all the more strange in a sense.

OP posts:
Fallingirl · 18/03/2019 23:33

Op, You really mustn’t worry about him contacting SS. His own behaviour around demanding photos and videos of your DC will make SS much more interested in him than in you!

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 23:38

This is true @Fallingirl thank you,

Although I can't help but think they'd take a dim view of me aswell for not seeing it as inappropriate sooner and allowing it to continue to this point Sad

Now my eyes are open I'm kicking myself for not cutting ties sooner

OP posts:
PenelopeFlintstone · 18/03/2019 23:40

I think he's probably just really lonely and being desperate has made him act weirdly. I'd go with the PP who said to do it in a nice way. He hasn't actually done anything terribly wrong; he's just too demanding. I think people on this thread are over-dramatising and now the OP has blocked him - but what has he actually done? Just been pushy and annoying. I would unblock and just reset the friendship by responding slower - much slower.

Worried2019 · 19/03/2019 00:51

I agree with Penelope - People on here are catastrophising. Other than photos, he's no safeguarding risk. He's just a little demanding. Maybe he is on the spectrum and doesn't recognise boundaries?? He hasn't done anything wrong and this could be potentially damaging to his mental health. Heck, if a friend randomly blocked me I'd be very upset....

SparkiePolastri · 19/03/2019 01:12

@PenelopeFlintstone and @Worried2019 - the OP owes this man nothing.

There is a special place in Hell for people who encourage others to ignore their intuition, and to ignore their own boundaries to placate the feelings of someone who's behaving completely inappropriately.

The OP is not 'catastrophising'. She simply wants someone out of her life, which she is more than entitled to do.

She owes this man nothing.

This situation - the OP blocking him and ending the friendship - is entirely his fault for behaving unacceptably.

Stop telling people to ignore their own wishes, preferences, boundaries and feelings.

You go and be his friend, if you're so worried about him.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 19/03/2019 01:13

Its controlling, manipulative behaviour.
OP had to wait in for his gifts, and reply ASAP with a nice message and a picture/video of her children or he gets upset. He often makes nasty or critical comments. He's in the past been known to completely turn on people when things go his way, and sounds like he may have made things up and spread nasty lies on social media.
I'd also be worried that this appears to have stepped up slightly since OP's ex-p is no longer in the picture.

Aside from that, the requests for pictures and videos of the kids is a massive safeguarding issue.

You really cant see anything wrong with that?
And putting responsibility for his MH onto OP is out of order.

OP, I think you've done the right thing. Here's to hoping it goes as painlessly as possible. Flowers

PenelopeFlintstone · 19/03/2019 01:54

@PenelopeFlintstone and @Worried2019 - the OP owes this man nothing.* Well, I disagree. I think we all owe everybody compassion and kindness. They've known each other for years.

There is a special place in Hell for people who encourage others to ignore their intuition, and to ignore their own boundaries to placate the feelings of someone who's behaving completely inappropriately.
Ha ha! Okay!! Satan awaits me! Grin She felt a bit controlled by his constant messaging. She's known him for years; he hasn't suddenly turned up. He just needs to pull back a bit because he's lonely and is getting the wrong idea about the relationship. It doesn't make him a paedophile. She didn't have intuition about that. That's what everyone else has said.

The OP is not 'catastrophising' That's right, she isn't. But you certainly are!! The OP seems level-headed and has had enough of the guy's demands but some of the advice on this thread seems to have come from those people who never open the front door even to their families.

She owes this man nothing. See above.

This situation - the OP blocking him and ending the friendship - is entirely his fault for behaving unacceptably. She only did it because of all the catastrophising by others. She didn't say she wanted him out of her life.

Stop telling people to ignore their own wishes, preferences, boundaries and feelings. She asked the question.

You go and be his friend, if you're so worried about him. Crawl back to your echo chamber.