Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

Agree with WeirdAndPissedOff.

Look after yourself OP.

He's gotten into my conscience because despite the anxiety he causes me, I actually feel a bit sorry for him on the off chance that he is infact harmless and no threat to me, just lonely. I don't know.
You need to work on your boundaries.
Smack that feeliong down. It's not your friend. It's your need to be needed and it will cause you problems until you overcome it.

It's a little worrying that you poured your heart out to another man about this problem. You really have to stop doing this.
Here are the reasons:

• Men are likely to see the damsel in distress as the damsel inviting him to move from the Friendzone into some more exciting zone.
• You know already that you blow straight past red flags so until you start getting to grips with why your instincts fail you, you need to practice keeping your own counsel.
• When you do this you are advertising the fact that you can't stand on your own two feet. This is an open invitation to a manipulator to start working on you. The image you need to project as a single mother of two very young children/babies is the image of someone who takes care of her own business easily and effectively on her own.
• Even if a friend offers a shoulder to cry on you need to hold back. Don't be so open.

I've been reluctant to just block him because of the sense of indebtedness that has built up over the course of time with the presents. It has made me feel as though I'd be the unreasonable one although I'm seeing that's not actually the case.
That is the FOG.
It does not matter who thinks you are being unreasonable. You need to start caring less about what others think of you.

If I were to message before blocking and say I've been advised by professionals to cease sending photos and accepting presents because it's been flagged as a safeguarding issue, could that potentially curtail any spite if he thinks people are already aware of him and concerned about his level of intrusion. Or am I just being ridiculous?
NO DO NOT DO THIS.
Firstly, you have to stand up for yourself. This is your decision. Own it.
Secondly, he may well think two can play at that game and threaten to talk to authorities about you, make up stuff, etc.
Third, it's a very obvious lie. Any professionals you might have spoken to would have told you to go No Contact Ever Again, and you would be handing yourself to him on a plate if you were to contact him essentially to warn him that child protection were looking at him.
Fourth - any lying on your part will tell him that you are not feeling strong and that he should keep on trying.

Please do not worry about SS.
You can easily demonstrate that you took the action that you did immediately after the tablet was received with the suggestion that you use his Amazon account to set it all up. Your arse is completely covered.

Well done for blocking him.

Remember, you owe him nothing.

You don't owe anyone the appearance of being reasonable either.

You're doing amazingly, OP. Is he likely to make contact with your mutual friend again to try and find out what's happened to you?

Well done for blocking him OP.

Long long before children, when I was about 17, I had a friend like this, I met him at a festival, he was older (I think around 25/28) and struck up a friendship. Over the next 2 years he would text daily, send gifts, invited me on holiday etc. There was no romantic link there at all (he is gay) however I felt really uncomfortable with the constant contact and how to him we were best of friends and to me he was someone I'd spent a weekend camping next to and subsequently had a few coffees with after the fact. It took 2 years and a serious BF becoming very annoyed with the constant texts for me to say enough is enough and cut contact.

A few years ago, about a decade later, he found me on Facebook again - no idea how I'm married so my name has changed, I assume he found me through old friends/family - and sent a few messages. I responded once, he sent 4 more messages in quick succession. He hadn't changed. Blocked.

Once you've cut the ties, keep them cut OP. People like this don't change.

If I were to message before blocking and say I've been advised by professionals to cease sending photos and accepting presents because it's been flagged as a safeguarding issue, could that potentially curtail any spite if he thinks people are already aware of him and concerned about his level of intrusion. Or am I just being ridiculous?

Agree with mathanxiety here - my ex used the same "I've been advised by professionals that if I have contact with dd you will be able to get maintenance." which of course was utter bollocks and really obvious - it made me see he simply didn't want to see his child and couldn't admit it which was pathetic. You do need to get better at facing these things head on. It's no use being super nice to arseholes, you need to get into your head they don't respect you for it one bit. Being calm and simply stating you have blocked them because you found their friendship overwhelming and you don't want to continue it (if asked) simply shows you respect your self worth. If they take offence it really is more about them than you.

OP had to wait in for his gifts, and reply ASAP with a nice message and a picture/video of her children or he gets upset.
No of course she did yams doesn’t. I think the issue really is that she feels she either can’t cope with him being upset and/or that she feels she must sit in all day for a parcel. Totally resolvable by OP by just NOT waiting in and accepting that he becomes upset when she doesn’t respond quickly etc. OP is capable of changing her mind set to see that “his upset” is not a punishment but a consequence for him.

He often makes nasty or critical comments. OP can respond

He's in the past been known to completely turn on people when things go his way, and sounds like he may have made things up and spread nasty lies on social media.
Yes he does sound like he has form for being spiteful. OP can block him and can correct or ignore whatever happens.

I'd also be worried that this appears to have stepped up slightly since OP's ex-p is no longer in the picture.. Most friends increase contact when a couple breaks.

All in all readjusting his expectations and changing patterns of behaviour in any relationship is likely to ruffle feathers. His behaviour doesn’t have to impact OP as much as it does, and she is very much in control of how she reacts and responds.

Hey OP, hope you’re doing ok this morning and the anxiety is behaving itself. You have taken decisive steps to protect yourself and your children, and free up the headspace this friend has been taking up. If you’re worried about comeback today, please focus on how positive it is that you’re looking after yourself. Chin up and forge on, you are strong!

but some of the advice on this thread seems to have come from those people who never open the front door even to their families.

Or people that have well-adjusted family and friends, and can't imagine putting up with this weirdo's nonsense.

Suffice to say, the OP has definitely made the right decision by binning this man off.

Onwards and upwards.

Agree with mathanxiety and SparkiePolastri, lots of wise advice.

Stay strong OP.

Although I can't help but think they'd take a dim view of me aswell for not seeing it as inappropriate sooner and allowing it to continue to this point sad

I'm a social worker. Trust me, nothing happened to your kids, social services will not be interested.

Stay strong, OP.

Don't listen to those on here (or anywhere else) trying to convince you to soften your stance. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

If you show any chinks in your armour then he will take advantage.

DO NOT say anything like professionals advising you to cut contact for xyz reasons. If he thinks that it wasn't your decision then he will probably think that you didn't really want to cut contact and will try to worm his way back in again. He will see it as someone else's decision, not yours, and therefore a weakness on your part that he can hopefully exploit. Just don't.

Perhaps those saying that you should soften your stance have missed the parts where you say that other people who know this man well have also stepped back from him and advised you to do the same. They have also missed the posts where you say that you have known him to get nasty with others when things don't go his way.

mathanxiety wrote a perfect post above. Everything she says is right.

I agree that people are catastrophising
Just don’t respond straight away, be breezy and ‘oh sorry I was busy with DS’ then ‘DS is being hard work atm so I’m going to be using my phone much less for a few days’ etc etc
No need for all the drama
Just back away slowly

Well done for blocking OP - stay strong, you can do this

I just want to say, again, you owe him nothing. Women have spent too long people-pleasing and worrying too much about other people's feelings rather than their own. He way overstepped your boundaries and it's not your job to try and teach him how to behave like a decent human being.

Hi all,

I haven't heard a peep since blocking, so he hasn't made any new accounts yet. He may not bother and i hope he doesn't.

I really don't want to talk to him or explain my position because it's not going to sink in and he'll see it as me being a cow. I've really tried not to be, and I've bitten my tongue on so many occasions to avoid hurting his feelings.

He definitely has massive issues with control, even down to daft things like DS getting enjoyment out of foreign music. I shared a sweet video on my Facebook page of him laughing hysterically at a children's cartoon and within minutes of it going up the friend had inboxed me saying "wtf I think you should find him something in english " and completely took the shine off what was something so innocent and cute.

When I was having relationship problems (nothing terrible or abusive) with my children's father this friend was putting pressure on me to move to where he now lives, where I know nobody but him. He kept saying me and the children could stay with him whilst we found somewhere. He has a one bedroom flat and knew I'd be isolated from friends and family if i took him up on his ridiculous offer. He was trying to persuade me to move there for months on end, relentlessly.

He makes comments about what DS has for his dinner, comments about activities I take him to, comments about my immediate family and how much better off I'd be down there with him because he'd never treat me so appallingly (My DM was an hour late arriving for my birthday meal due to city traffic - hardly the end of the world)

That's without the daily, for years, incessant messaging and expectation that I'll reply immediately or something must be wrong.

Before I went on MAT leave he would tap me up to lend him money every week because he doesn't work and was being irresponsible with his spending. I felt under alot of pressure from him to keep lending because he did a number on me in terms of manipulation and I was very much stuck in the FOG even though I'd dread when the messages asking for money arrived.

At one point he owed me £180 at one time which is alot of money to me. I did always get it back eventually but there were a few occasions when he lied about when he was due to receive money and be able to pay me back, so a couple of times he left me in shit creek and I had to scrape by for a few days. He seems to have his benefits money sorted now or must get more as he no longer asks for large amounts (probably because I told him I just don't have money anymore sorry) but he still asks for at least a fiver once a fortnight which gets on my nerves.

He lies unceremoniously about things he's done, people he knows, illnesses he hasn't had (there's been more than one occasion he's tried telling people he had cancer before being found out to be lying by his own family members)

He pretended to have a son who was in the para troopers who doesn't exist. I went over his head and asked his sister who I was only loosely acquainted with, she confirmed he didn't have a son in the para troopers only the one adult son we knew about who he doesn't bother with because he doesn't like his opinion on politics. Yes really.

He disowns him at least once a year because they clash on political matters. He didn't raise his son and had nothing to do with him until his son sought him out when he was in his 20's, so he's never been a father to him yet obsesses over me and my DC. His son has a bunch of abandonment issues as a result of it.

It was his sons birthday the other day and he didn't get him a card, but was sending me and DS presents the very next day.

These are just a handful of examples of why I have soured towards him after they began to creep through the cracks. Despite just a few of these being enough to cut contact I still kept him in my life out of FOG (I've researched that alot so thank you to the posters who brought it to my attention)

I wanted to keep the post precise and about the issue at hand but as a few people think i may have jumped the gun I thought I'd give the bigger picture so you can see what sort of person he is.

And another one, he was pestering me to lend him £15 so he could travel to the nearest town to see an emergency dentist because he was apparently in so much pain, after a day of this i relented and said ok.

Only to find out he never stepped foot in a dentist and spent the £15 on tobacco.

You have done exactly the right thing, OP. This man has issues and baggage which are not your responsibility.

And as for this: Well, I disagree. I think we all owe everybody compassion and kindness.

Nope. That’s just as bad as saying that everybody is entitled to respect, or “Honour your parents”. Nonsense. Respect is earned. Why should a controlling person who constantly tramples over your boundaries deserve more kindness and compassion than the OP?

Self care and removing yourself from a controlling toxic relationship is not “unkind” or selfish, it’s necessary and a last resort when someone refuses to respect you and your boundaries.

The OP’s primary concern is herself and her children, not this man and his issues. He is responsible for himself.

At first I thought you should perhaps move away from him gradually but since reading your latest post I’m absolutely sure you have done the right thing to block him. Do not soften towards him if he manages to contact you, be firm. I should imagine you are feeling very relived this morning. Move forward. Good luck with the impending new arrival. 💐

Wow. What a manipulative, lying, obsessive person. Thank goodness you didn't move home as he suggested or your life (and that if your children would be hell). Forewarned is forearmed OP. The red flag signals should be loud and clear if anyone similar presents themselves in the future.

Yes he was absolutely ridiculous and reckless in his persuasion to have me uproot.

He even went as far as suggesting I just sell all of my furniture so I can get there ASAP and make a clean break for myself as soon as my DP moved out

Totally selfish in his motives and was pushing for me to completely unsettle my children's lives and destabilise our security, isolating us from our support network.

If he were to try this with somebody who has learning difficulties for example, or even less assertiveness than myself, the results for their lives could be catastrophic.

Sweetheart please get yourself some therapy. All this mad behaviour from him and you're only just thinking about blocking him? Your boundaries are completely way off!

@BorsetshireBlew i agree, they are.

I've felt uncomfortable about him for some time but lacked the confidence to actually block him because I felt indebted and was also worried about repercussions

Reading your more recent posts OP it sounds as if this man’s personality is disordered

That's what I suspect too Troubles

How does he simultaneously send expensive gifts and need to borrow a fiver?