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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

407 replies

Tempnamech4nge · 17/03/2019 23:05

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 19:12

Thanks you lot, I appreciate the support!

I don't think he'd bother turning up here if I refused any further deliveries, at the risk of sounding like a cow he doesn't get off his backside unless it's to eat, use the toilet or walk across the road to the shop. He's an exceptionally lazy person and wouldn't subject himself to spending hours on public transport, he doesn't drive.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 18/03/2019 20:29

That's a relief.
Has he sent any more messages after you didn't reply this morning?

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 20:33

He did yes, two further ones.

One asking how I am and then another a few hours later asking how DS is.

I didn't open the thread or bother replying.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 18/03/2019 20:44

Are you going to ignore or tell him and block him?

I think you're doing amazing btw Flowers

IHateUncleJamie · 18/03/2019 20:45

Well done Flowers You will feel a million times better having taken control.

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 20:52

Before you said he fidnt drive I thought you were talking about my uncle. He has several friends whom he sends gifts to and I've seen him lose his shit when he doesn't get the reaction or responses he was expecting. He is known to buy his way in to peoples lives then cause issues if they back off from him. Needless to say he has no contact with my DDs

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 21:45

I'm still a little on the fence as to whether to block without explanation or continue with a silent phase out to avoid any maliciousness.

I figured I'd go grey rock for a couple of days with no contact and see how he reacts. If he starts with the shitty messages he'll be blocked immediately, but if he goes quiet and doesn't send anything else there might not be any need.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 21:47

What sort of problems does your uncle tend to cause for people when they back off from him if you don't mind me asking @Wantmyflipflops

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 21:49

I've locked down my social media settings now so anything I post he won't be able to see. All my statuses are set to "friends except.." him.

I don't know how to do the same on Insta or if it's even possible, so unless I outright block him there now I'll have to just not post there for a bit.

OP posts:
BorsetshireBlew · 18/03/2019 21:52

He's not going to fade out quietly. Honestly you're better off ripping the plaster off now than slowly trickling it off. You're going to end up with the nasty splurge either way.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 21:56

You're probably right Borset

I think my hesitation is purely anxiety related. I've got a feeling that as soon as he realises he's blocked he's going to create another account and message me a load of crap

OP posts:
WhereIsMyTVRemote · 18/03/2019 22:03

This isn't a friend.

You need to be black and white with this person and say this is too much, I need you to stop. We can be friends but only if you accept these terms.

If he refuses, tell him you will cease contact.

If he continues to contact you, ignore completely. Don't give him a thought. Keep messages so if he wanted to make stupid accusations you have evidence to back it up.

WhereIsMyTVRemote · 18/03/2019 22:04

Ah sorry, thought I was on the last page but wasn't. Well done op.

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 22:06

@Tempnamech4nge he can be quite malicious. Things like reporting people for claiming benefits fraudulently. He called SS about one lady saying he saw her hit her child with a hairbrush. He was cautioned and fined for that because they found no evidence and she could prove that they had not met up since she had her child.

I've seen him leave voicemails to family friends telling them he expected more than a text to say thank you for his generosity. I've always thought he was on the spectrum but my aunty (his sister) said he is just a twisted bastard.

TowelNumber42 · 18/03/2019 22:06

It is common for reasonable people to think they can avoid an unreasonable person's tantrum by tiptoeing towards the exit. He doesn't want you to exit. You can edge closer over several weeks but he will kick off when he realises you are at or are heading for the exit.

Stop letting fear of him kicking off stop you. He will do it no matter what.

Me, I'd prefer to exit with a massive flounce rather than creeping there disguised as a lampshade like Scooby Doo.

People know he's a loon so a dramatic exit with him exploding makes you look better and him look nuttier.

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 22:09

Just to explain my 'on the spectrum' comment for anyone who may take offence...

He is not great socially and cant really genuinely empathise with anyone. He doesn't ever look you in the eye and avoids crowds. He used to get overwhelmed at big family occasions and wasnt keen on hugs and kisses etc..

dontdoxmeeither · 18/03/2019 22:16

Yikes, how inappropriate, weird and stifling. I agree with blocking

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 22:21

@Wantmyflipflops Christ what a nasty bastard. It's things like that which worry me! I'm not a fraudulent benefit claimant but I wouldn't put it past him to say that I were in attempt to cause a problem with my tax credits.

The SS one is my biggest fear because back in the day when I trusted him I confided in him that I was struggling with PND. I wouldn't put it past him to fabricate likes like your uncle did or say I'm an unfit mother.

OP posts:
CastlesAndGiants · 18/03/2019 22:24

If SS got involved every time a woman had PND they'd never do anything else!

In the unlikely event that he calls them and they deem it worthy of taking further, they'll quickly see you are managing fine and they'll go away.

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 22:26

@Tempnamech4nge As many others have said you can't keep him in your life over fear. And if he does stop to those levels then you need to make him aware that you are telling people about it. My uncle would back off when he realised that other people were getting involved. He is a coward at heart. You have never asked for anything and you are under no obligation to stay in contact with him just because he went against your wishes and purchased materialistic things for you.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 18/03/2019 22:29

Just an idea but probably a stupid one, it just came to me as I was typing my last response.

If I were to message before blocking and say I've been advised by professionals to cease sending photos and accepting presents because it's been flagged as a safeguarding issue, could that potentially curtail any spite if he thinks people are already aware of him and concerned about his level of intrusion. Or am I just being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 18/03/2019 22:35

Tempnamech4nge

'If I were to message before blocking and say I've been advised by professionals to cease sending photos and accepting presents because it's been flagged as a safeguarding issue, could that potentially curtail any spite if he thinks people are already aware of him and concerned about his level of intrusion. Or am I just being ridiculous?'

That sounds like quite a good idea to me. The request for photos is actually quite creepy to me.

He has definitely over stepped the line.

Good luck. Thanks

Wantmyflipflops · 18/03/2019 22:35

Would he understand what thay means? It might leave him with more questions than you want to have to answer. It may be a hard thing to do but messaging him and saying that you have begun to feel more and more uncomfortable with the level of communication he is requesting. You feel ignored regarding him not listening to your requests to stop the gifts and you feel that for you right now you need to step away. If he bombard you with texts, calls and emails then he is just proving your point.

thenightsky · 18/03/2019 22:38

Good idea!

itswinetime · 18/03/2019 22:41

If I were to message before blocking and say I've been advised by professionals to cease sending photos and accepting presents because it's been flagged as a safeguarding issue,

I would worry this would only continue to play into the idea that you need people to tell you what to do and support you which I think will play into him thinking you need him.

I also think saying you have professionals involved when you don't gives him more things to attack you with.

If that makes sense.