Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

I'm concerned about his interest in your child. Please cease contact with this man. He is not your friend.

My hunch is that he won’t contact SS. If he does, I imagine you have plenty of evidence that your DC is well cared for. Your refusal to disrupt the cooking for this man is part of that evidence. Do what others have suggested and just make yourself less and less available. Late pregnancy is the perfect time to do that.

I'd be sorely tempted to do one final text message - due to stalking, you are moving into a new life immediately under the police witness protection programme, and obviously, you have to just disappear. Wish him all the best and say farewell. All future contacts attempted via phone or social platforms will be monitored by your police handler who will be unable to give any information. Then block to your heart's content.
I know this is probably a bit adolescent and unbelievable.....but my imagination enjoyed it.

Hi OP, sorry you're in this situation. You owe this man nothing, and you certainly don't owe him pictures of your children.
It's spoken of frequently here, but have you read 'The gift of fear' by Gavin DeBecker? It talks about strategies to keep yourself safe, but a large part of it is about stalkers. One part stuck out to me. You have to go NC with stalkers, as if you reply (in frustration or whatever) after 100 messages, all you've taught them is that 100 messages is the 'price' of getting to you.
If it makes you feel less beholden, return the gifts that you can? You don't have to, but it might help you feel better.
Get angry and stay angry. He has no right to your time, your pictures, or your thanks, and every second you spend on messaging him, is time you're not spending with your DC (not a criticism, but see it that way, and it'll annoy you). You can block him everywhere, and he can't be mean/bitter to you if he can't reach you.
Be kind to yourself

I appreciate all of your replies, thank you.

I've just read back through the thread and am in no doubt that I have to put a stop to this and it can't continue. If that means stepping outside of my comfort zone and addressing the problem head on then so be it, but I'm going to give the "slow phase out" a go first and see how I get on with that.

I'm not going to respond to his message or any subsequent messages he sends today. Hopefully he will twig on to the fact I'm not impressed at the "hissy fit" yesterday and reflect on his behaviour.

He doesn't seem to hang on to friends for very long usually and I can clearly see why that is, he's too demanding and high maintenance and likes to control.

More assertive people would have addressed this head on long before now but because I'm such a soft touch he's been able to carry on the narrative.

OP you need to block him. I have had experience with a similar type of person and to them, any type of attention is better than nothing. Any dialogue from you will be a challenge for him to try and keep it going somehow. Block him on your phone, your SM, everything.

And do some reading up on boundaries. All you have to remember is that you cannot control what other people do. But you can absolutely control what you allow other people to do to you.

You owe him nothing. You owe yourself and your DC everything.

He categorically won't be receiving any more updates about my DC and I'm going to restrict my social media settings now.

I've been toying with the decision to take a break from Facebook as it were, so I might do that as now would be the perfect time to.

Hopefully he will twig on to the fact I'm not impressed at the "hissy fit" yesterday and reflect on his behaviour

Sorry to say, going on what you've said about him, that's unlikely. If he does realise you're pissed off with him he may well try a bit of narc hoovering to get you back on board. But he won't mean a word of it.

This is worth a read

Stop responding to him completely. Block him on all levels.

He's obsessed - possibly romantically with you, all the more so since your DP/DH isn't in the picture anymore and thinks he 'stands a chance'.

OP, I haven't read all 7 pages of the thread, but your initial post struck a chord. I had a friend like this. Female, definitely not romantically inclined, but it wound me up. It was controlling as she put me in a position of constantly being indebted to her. She wa svery generous with stuff.

She had zero understanding of what life is like raising young kids, running a home and earning a living. She'd never worked, always had staff and her DC went to boarding school. She honestly didn;t know what it's like to be run off yoru feet. She had acres of time and I guess just assumed if she sent me a film I hadn;t asked for, I'd immediately sit down and watch it then write her detailed emails about it. She could discuss stuff like this for days. I just hadn't time.

When she started making bitchy comments I ended the friendship. I sometimes feel sad and bad about it but deep down I know I felt uncomfotable because she was a deeply manipulative and needy person and I hadn;t the patience or energy to fill the gap in her life.

I don't think you need to be too subtle with him. You cannot know that his interest in you is not sexual just because he doesn't specifically say so.

Unfortunately, nor can you be sure that he has no such interest in your child either, which would ramp up when your new baby arrives, I imagine.

Why chance any of that? Personally, I would send him one last message now saying that you have been feeling uncomfortable about the friendship for a long time so you are now stepping well back from it and will be blocking him.

If he starts to harass your family then he will be confirming all of your worst suspicions about him now, and in those circumstances you should involve the police.

He sounds like a creep and a stalker to me, not to mention probably a predator of whatever kind. He has horribly taken advantage of your very good nature, and that is all down to him.

Protect yourself and your child(ren) now. Stop contact and stop accepting gifts. You don't have to sign for them, and they can be sent back with "return to sender" printed on them.

I've just been chatting with another friend today who knows him, to ask their opinion on what's been going on. I've known this person since I was in school and they've known the strange friend alot longer than I have so I do trust their opinion as somebody I know well. They have nothing to do with strange friend these days and have advised me to do the same.

I've mentioned everything I've said here and (normal) friend says he agrees with everybody else and echos that he needs to be blocked because he's a behaving like a "weirdo" a that he is a compulsive liar to boot.

He's assured me that if he tries to make a nuisance of himself after I cut contact then he's happy to intervene and warn him off.

Looks like it's unanimous then, block it is.

I'd message him to tell him you're going to block so he knows that you want no contact. Otherwise he may well try turning up with the excuse of checking on you 'out of concern'.

As an aside op, can I suggest you get the iPad checked for any tracking apps, and make sure that the camera lens is covered with tape or something.

I don't want to alarm you unduly, it's really just to make sure he hasn't still got an in you don't know about. Unless of course the box was still factory sealed

Guiltypleasures is right on the money. - Def get it checked.

The tablet came directly from Amazon, all sealed and factory settings in tact.

One alarm bell though in hindsight, he suggested i use his Amazon account when setting it up so my DS had access to more content that came with his premium membership. (Its an Amazon fire tablet)

I didn't oblige and I set up my own, so he has no access to the tablet or anything DS has on it and I've got all parental controls set to maximum security.

Yes, block, block and block again. Everywhere.

Double check the tablet again in case weirdo has found a way to remotely link to your DD (is your email connected to it etc.?).

It is even more alarming that weirdo hoped you would sign your child in via HIS Amazon account!!! Well done for using your own.

Sorry, I meant your DS, not DD.

I don't think I realised until now just how much of an energy vampire they've been to me and my life. I've spent the day feeling anxious and distracted which isn't common for me at the moment as my mental health has been pretty good.

I'm looking forward to not having to deal with their daily attention seeking.

Be strong op... you can do this. We are all rooting for you. We are here if you need us. 💐

Good luck in getting rid of this energy drain. Fingers crossed you don't hear from him again.

From someone who has been there please definitely block. If you take any other tack other than the status quo I guarantee they will just keep ramping it up until you relent either from either being gaslighted into thinking it's you that is wrong or from sheer exhaustion.

Well done OP. Good choice and good luck with cutting him off.

OP Yep. Once I blocked the person I felt like a weight had been lifted. Hadn’t realised how much his trampling over my boundaries etc had ramped up my anxiety. It makes a huge difference.

If you sent all the present back unopened with 'no longer at this address' would he just take it you had moved or would he try to physically visit?