Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

@MissLadyM he's blocked! I haven't responded to the man whatsoever. I don't see where the assumption that I want him in my life has come from.

The new information came from elsewhere and I'm understandably upset about it so speaking out here where I've received support on the matter beforehand ffs.

What makes you say this Miss

Ignore MissLadyM, Victim blaming there.

It could be that this creep did actually consider you to be in a relationship in his twisted mind, even though you didn't. So maybe that would help you get the information you need via Clare's Law? I really don't know.

Get some rest now. Make that call first thing in the morning. See where it leads.

I don't appreciate that comment about liking attention at all at all and find it really offensive. I'm an introvert and hate attention, people who know me would scoff at the prospect of me 'seeking attention' from anywhere. I don't do drama. I'm a peace keeper, people pleaser, a bit of a mug at times but never a bloody attention seeker.

Perhaps because I'm overly anxious at the moment I'm being too sensitive but I don't want to read things like that as I already feel bad enough.

Thanks for the earlier support PP's I'll leave this here.

I've reported the post, so hopefully it won't stay up for too much longer.

Ask yourself this what will the new information add? You have already seen he isn't a healthy part of your life you have already taken action to cut him out! Anything else you find out will just make you beat yourself up for something you didn't know and so couldn't act on! Don't do it to yourself ignore him and ignore anyone that tries to talk to you about him he isn't part of your life anymore.

I think the police need to know his activities to add to whatever they have on him. He's a predator

Google wouldn't necessarily show anything. However if you find out the name of the local newspaper you may be able to do a search in that of his name. If any case went to court and was reported you should be able to see it there.

He isn't being aggressive, just sounds confused.

He isn't confused.
He is being aggressive.

You don’t need to do anything. He lives a long way away and you’ve blocked him. He will find another friend and learn to spread his spending out.

I thought he was an old school friend? How did you meet him?

Yes, you do need to do something. I disagree with people saying you don't. He is stalking you. Online stalking is still stalking and is an offence. A malicious communication.

There is a young child involved here who creep may well have kept photos of.

He is far enough away right now, and he may remain so, but things can change and he does sound obsessed and unhinged. Do not take that chance.

Use Clare's Law anyway. Talk to the police.

Do a slow fade.

He texts you at 6pm, is your world going to implode if you don't reply until 9pm?
You receive a gift for the kids on a Tuesday, send a short thank you text on Friday.
Break the cycle of instant gratification for him.

Zingally, the thread has progressed far from that now.

zingally RTFT or at least all the OP’s posts.

@Temp You won’t find out anything online due to Data Protection, unless his case was in the news. However you should be able to invoke Clare’s Law. In any case it would be worth speaking to 101 to discuss what’s happened and that he’s now made a new FB account and tried to message you.

Definitely don’t start contacting his family though.

Before I get flamed I agree the op was right to block home and remove herself from his control. And by all means if the op wants more information she can try Clare's law I have no idea if it would be allowed or if it would benefit the op. But that's up to her.

As for contacting the police/reporting his behaviour. Obviously the op can go to them and get advice if that's what she wants. But if you look at both sides as the police will do , This was a friendship (all be it an unhealthy one) but there was mutual communications. The op has then blocked him with no explanation and no requests for further contact. So he has tried to reach out again. I agree it's all part of his controlling behaviour and it's odd to set up a new account to do that but I don't think it's illegal and I don't think the police will be able to do anything.

In order to prove harassment there has to have been a clear and written (or able to prove) request for communication to be stopped. I have been involved with several issues when friends have had issues like this (normally ex's) and that has always been the first step from the police. Again it's up to the op if she wants contact him or not and of course she should check out her options.

The police will not " look at both sides". Just because: "someone knows someone who once went to the police" does not make them an expert on how the police operate.

Fortunately, most police specialist units have moved on from the last century, and now understand how grooming operates.

Groomers don't walk around with signs on them. They usually play the long game.

If the OP gives them his name and other information, they will do their own checks on him. He might just be a harmless but obsessive individual. Alternatively, he may be a sinister character who they need to have on their radar, at the very minimum.

Op You've done the right thing.

@MNHQ could you remove my post please as clearly there are some (two) members who doubt the sincerity of my thread and I don't wish to be embroiled in a troll hunt.

I'm more than happy to provide more information behind the scenes if you yourselves doubt the sincerity of my post.

I can provide years and years worth of screenshots on this man and the friendship which lead me to posting here. Or would i be accused of photoshopping those if I were to offer them as evidence?

That is something that absolutely grinds my gears about MN and I see it all of the time. Shove your troll hunting where the sun doesn't shine.

What bloody reason do you two in particular have to doubt anything I've said. This is real life unfortunately, I hope your suspicious nature doesn't prevent other posters continuing to ask for support when they need it especially if they happened to be in crisis at the time.

Fortunately I don't live near this man so the risk he poses to me directly is minimal regardless of whether what I've been told about him is true. I'm able to safeguard myself just fine, somebody else may not be as lucky so I hope anybody else who finds themselves in a similar situation aren't inclined to talk about it there.

@MNHQ once more please close my thread if in doubt, many thanks.

I'm so sorry, I've just realised the post which was reported was that of @Miss and not my own

Please excuse my last post @MNHQ I'd like the thread to stay. I was mistaken in thinking it was me who had been reported.

Thanks to everybody else for your advice. I'm still going to do a Claire's law check this morning for my own peace of mind.

Op you’ve done nothing wrong here.
You’ve blocked him and made you and your family safe.

Give yourself some time and space to calm down, then decid if you want to call 101 and look atClaires law.
But remember you’ve done nothing wrong.

Don't be giving evidence " behind the scenes" to random people OP.

That would be a bit unwise.

There is good and bad on any forum. Take out what is useful to you and ignore the ranty rantington stuff.

@gilchrist168 I think she was referring to MNHQ with that comment?