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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

407 replies

Tempnamech4nge · 17/03/2019 23:05

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

OP posts:
gilchrist168 · 21/03/2019 12:50

@DoctorDread Thanks for the clarification. I was a bit concerned there. Phew.Flowers

Topseyt · 21/03/2019 12:53

I reported the MissLady post. All of them were goady and unhelpful.

Stay strong. You are doing the right things now.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 13:12

It was MNHQ I was referring to when I said am happy to provide evidence behind the scenes yes Smile

OP posts:
captainpantbeard · 21/03/2019 14:09

OP try to ignore the idiots. They are a very small minority and just want to wind you up - don't let them succeed, just ignore. You know everyone else is on your side. We won't be swayed by a couple of goady fuckers.

And don't worry about SS - you've done nothing wrong, you are doing everything right.

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 14:27

I hope you are feeling a bit more gathered OP and not so shaken after yesterday's events.

It's a shame that such posters exist running riot amongst threads after hours.

I ask the night watch to hide them, and it looks like MN have not had chance to review/remove them yet,but you havent done anything wrong. There's been a lot of it about recently,you just got caught up in it. You don't need to justify anything.

Stay strong and keep your saefguards up Smile

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 14:40

Thanks guys. I appreciate that. Feeling a little less flustered now.

I've phoned 101 today and the advice they gave me was to go into my local police station and speak to them about Claire's law.

I'll be doing that when I get chance. It's a bit difficult for me to get about at the moment as I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have SPD and the station is a bit of a distance, but it's a route I'll follow up with and I'll continue to block and ignore in the meantime.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 14:46

Hopefully you feel more in control now you have your plans in place.

All the very best for your last weeks of pregnancy and the birth!

Motoko · 21/03/2019 15:28

Go to the police station when you can, but in the meantime, concentrate on your pregnancy. Only a couple of weeks or so to go now, you must be getting excited to meet your new little one!

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 16:08

35 weeks* sorry not 38, not sure what happened there.. but yes getting very excited to meet the little one Smile

OP posts:
Topseyt · 21/03/2019 16:20

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly. In all probability you have a little while to go yet, but you never know. I had my DD3 at 35 weeks. She is 16 now.

Keep vigilant and keep blocking. Hopefully he will just tire of it and eventually drop it, but I hope you get the reassurance you need when you get to the police station eventually.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2019 16:24

Have you detected any more efforts to contact you, OP?

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 16:41

I'm hoping she doesn't go overdue but also hoping she stays put until 40 weeks. I have so much left to be done Grin

Not heard a peep from him since he tried to contact me on Facebook yesterday. I'm going to be dubious about all new friends requests for the foreseeable I think. I'm usually quite stringent about who I accept but a bit of extra vigilance is a good thing under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 21/03/2019 17:09

As far as Claire's Law goes, you can tell the police that he has repeatedly tried to get you to move in with him then that should be the proof of a relationship that is required. Presumably you still have messages from him trying to pressure you into it?

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 17:12

I do mitzi yes, I have years worth of messages from him. I never delete messages threads, out of laziness mainly.

I have plenty of evidence in messages to show he was definitely trying to control and manipulate Inc. pressuring me to move there.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 21/03/2019 17:20

I haven't read your whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested but, why not tell them know you are moving and will tell them your address once you have settled in . Block their number on your phone, and social media, and just stop all contact. Return any gifts as not known at this address. Or invent a big,burly very jealous new partner who'd rather you didn 't receive gifts from people.

BIWI · 21/03/2019 17:24

@VictoriaBun why bother to comment if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread?

Things have moved on considerably and your words of wisdom are of no use.

FFS.

VictoriaBun · 21/03/2019 17:48

BIWI
A good Thursday to you as well FlowersFFS

ApolloandDaphne · 21/03/2019 17:51

Actually @VictoriaBun i agree with @BIWI. You need to RTFT.

b0bb1n · 21/03/2019 18:19

Who pooped in BIWI 's cornflakes :/ :)

Topseyt · 21/03/2019 18:22

Agree with BIWI too, VictoriaBun. If you read yesterday's and last night's updates from the OP you will see that that advice is no longer appropriate. Things have moved on considerably.

BIWI · 21/03/2019 18:50

It's so rude, and not a little arrogant, to assume that your words are so important that you can afford to ignore everyone else's posts.

At the very least you could just read the OP's posts, so at least you know what's the latest. Hmm

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:28

"I feel so angry and let down that these type of rumours were known and nobody thought to tell me when it was obvious, at least from social media, that we were in touch."

I so understand your anger. I am so sorry OP.
Unfortunately, whenever anything comes up on this site where a person a) knows someone is cheating on wife/girlfriend or b) knows that someone is a previous rapist/predator and is now in a new relationship (such as yourself) the coward's castle that is MN is full of replies like 'don't get involved', 'not your business', 'not your monkeys not your circus', 'keep out of it' etc. These imbeciles tend to drown out those who advise that Honesty is always, ALWAYS the best policy, and the other woman/victim/person whatever deserves to know. I get so frustrated reading the fucking infuriating replies advising people to say nothing. Angry

And here you are, a prime example of someone who is angry they weren't told. This is the result of someone who others knew of her situation and just.....never told her. Probably because they were advised not to say anything by the cowards on here. Take note, all you guys, THIS is the result. This is what happens when you let people continue on in a relationship, endangering them self because you are too much of a coward to step up and tell the person. The OP could have been spared a long, long time of misery, harassment and anxiety if only someone had just womaned up and did her a favour and told her.

This is why I always advocate that honesty is the best policy, that if you know a fellow sister is in a vulnerable relationship/situation, you step up, woman the eff up and tell her. If you know something, ALWAYS TELL. This right here, is why I will always advocate to tell people what you know, and keep doing so on this very site, even in the face of those who want to do nothing and let people get hurt.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 19:44

Thank you @LunafortJest it is incredibly angering that nobody from our mutual friends spoke up and warmed me sooner, indeed.

Even if they were to have done it anonymously through a call or message but not wanted to risk the fallout themselves I would have appreciated that and could have decided for myself whether or not to take it seriously (I would have looked into it without a doubt)

I can't help but think that the unusual message I got online from 2017 was going to be the start of a warning but whoever it was decided not to proceed and say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 19:44

Warned* not warmed Confused

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 19:58

Unfortunately, those who make their own minds up, for their own far wiser reasons, don't listen to someone apparently shit stirring for reasons.

In an ideal world noone would be scared of abusive raping intimidating men and that women will always believe what they are told, without risk to either party.

This is the point of Claire's law to remove risk and ensure reports harms are carried forward without risk. It relies on those currently involved with new people wanting to check them out. Many don't,believing the guy to be all that they project as being, and very hard to believe something to the contrary