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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

407 replies

Tempnamech4nge · 17/03/2019 23:05

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

OP posts:
Topseyt · 21/03/2019 00:32

You can still bin him off and make no outward response, but professional advice could help give you peace of mind.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:36

If somebody had been convicted of a sexual offence and sent to prison, say 15-20 years ago or something like that, in theory wouldn't there be something indexed online about it somewhere?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:41

It's been alleged that he has a conviction for rape and spent years in prison for it.

I've searched his name, age, DOB, location of where he lives and used to live before then, and I'm finding nothing whatsoever.

I know he hasn't changed his surname as his sister still goes by the same name.

Not sure whether it's a bogus rumour or not but it's quite upset me because I've spent time in his company pre-children and I'm also somebody who has been sexually assaulted in my past so it's sickening to be told this about somebody I trusted for a period of time.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 00:45

I really think it's worth you approaching the police to make a Claires Law application because of the nature of your relationship and how he's behaving now.

I think you need to know for your safety, and for the police to be aware of a potential situation, even if you do continue blocking him.

Topseyt · 21/03/2019 00:47

I am not sure if police and prison records are put online. Risk of vigilante attacks etc.

Not that I am any great expert though. I think you now clearly need some reassurance and advice. You might get it, or at least some pointers, by calling the 101 number. They might advise you whether you are at risk or not and what to do now.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:50

I feel so angry and let down that these type of rumours were known and nobody thought to tell me when it was obvious, at least from social media, that we were in touch.

I won't message his sister or anybody else he's involved with but I will try to request some information via 101

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:53

Just under 6 years I've known him and I've never heard anything of the sort before now

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Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:55

A year or so ago I got a message on Facebook saying "What do you know about (his name)"

I replied asking who they were and they never got back to me. I showed him the message at the time and he said he had no idea who they were or why they were asking.

My minds in over drive now thinking that's something to do with it

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Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 00:56

There are all sorts of reasons ppl don't say stuff like this. It would be pretty awful if it were wrong and to others he must have seemed a good friend, so you knew better ...perhaps?

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 00:58

The thing is and I'm ashamed to admit this but I don't think I would have automatically believed it if I heard it sooner. I trusted him implicitly for a while. I would have absolutely looked into the allegations though and taken steps to find out for sure even if just to rule it out.

I don't know what to think

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Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 01:00

This is why ppl don't tend to say anything, because they don't think they'd be believed, and also, that it mightn't be true, just something g they'd heard ....hearsay... Quite something to say if it's wrong

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 01:02

You need to speak to the police about your concerns with him and ask for background on him (Claires law)

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:05

I've no idea how Clare's law works but I'm going to call 101 first thing tomorrow to raise my concerns and ask how I go about requesting the information.

I take it he wouldn't need to consent to his record being divulged given how it's a safeguarding concern from a worried female.

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Topseyt · 21/03/2019 01:06

People might say nothing for all of that time perhaps through fear of retribution (from him or his family??), or in case they have got it all wrong?

The mystery message you had night suggest that you aren't, or haven't been, this creep's only target. I guess he knew exactly who it was from and what it was about.

Call 101 now and ask to be put through to teams who may be able to advise you. I suspect they will have heard all of this sort of thing before.

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 01:08

No. They just check you out, in your need to know, given what you have posted his about his behaviour and what you've heard and the difficulties you are having blocking him,they may well divulge to you. Do check the procedure with them, but you should be able to find out online what the procedure is.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:10

I thought absolutely nothing of the message at the time when really I should have been asking myself why anybody would feel the need to approach me about him. He didn't seem remotely concerned though, if i remember correctly his response was that he had been getting a load of odd messages at the time and it's probably somebody pratting about. He appeared genuinely oblivious.

I've just gone back through my messenger and found the message, it was from early 2017 so a bit further back than I thought. The profile it came from isn't active and I can't reply to the conversation any more so I'll never know who that was or what they wanted to say to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:11

I've got DS asleep next to me in bed and I don't want to disturb him by getting up and making calls now but I'm going to phone first thing tomorrow when I'm up.

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Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:14

I don't want any of this to get back to my DC's father because if it turns out to be true he's going to hit the roof about the presents and photos Sad

I wouldn't be surprised if I receive a visit from SS because he's effectively groomed us. I'm really anxious I'm likely catastrophising again but I'm so shaken up

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Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:19

From what I've found online about Claire's law it's for people who are in an actual relationship with a suspected abuser, it says nothing about being able to check out friends or people you were once friends with Sad

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Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 01:21

The important thing to know is that you are safe, right here right now.

He has no reason to come to your home tonight or cause any issues does he?

Just relax and have a look into it in the morning.

I can't see anyway your ex would come to know.

You will be acting to protect you all so he'd have no reason to get all in your face about it. Hes groomed you potentially, that's not your fault. It really isn't.
You are acting to protect you all, just keep acting to keep you all safe. You can rest easy and sleep tonight,and check it out tomorrow.

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 01:23

You have a current issue with a man involving himself in your life,potentially grooming you, that's a relationship, even if non sexual or committed on your part.

MissLadyM · 21/03/2019 01:25

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Topseyt · 21/03/2019 01:27

There is also Sarah's Law for checking out the risk he poses to your child, so that is something else to ask about, especially as creep has been so insistent on photos there.

There might be other angles. They will hopefully advise.

Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:32

@MissLadyM oh dont talk a load of bollocks what a horrible thing to say. I've explained clearly throughout the thread why I didn't cut contact sooner, the vast majority of posters understand my reasoning and how the dynamic played out even if they themselves happen to be more assertive than me and would have handled it better, or differently.

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Original poster
Tempnamech4nge · 21/03/2019 01:34

Also telling somebody to fuck off isn't necessarily the 'rational' thing to do if you think they might turn spiteful and cause you problems.

Not everybody would feel comfortable aggravating a situation like that, especially if they've seen the other person become spiteful in the past.

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