Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis As soon as he gets his money he spends it on things he doesn't need to be buying, presents, gadgets, takeaways etc.

Then he asks to be bailed out for the necessities he should've bought when he had the money to get them himself.

He will literally stay awake waiting for midnight to arrive when his money goes in, order himself a takeaway then go straight on Amazon and blast most of what he has on things he doesn't need.

Back when I was more friendly with him I tried to offer budgeting advice and urging him to be more careful with his money and he took huge offence and wouldn't hear of it so I thought well suit yourself.

That's another part of the reason I asked him to stop buying presents, because I knew that once he had then he'd tap me up a few days later to borrow money because he'd skinted himself.

I really don't want to talk to him or explain my position because it's not going to sink in and he'll see it as me being a cow. I've really tried not to be, and I've bitten my tongue on so many occasions to avoid hurting his feelings.

Why would you explain?

He said he would leave you alone and then proceeded to not leave you alone so in order to facilitate him leaving you alone, you have blocked him. You need say no more than that.

This man sounds seriously unhinged - whether personality disorder or not is neither here nor there - unless you want to sympathise with him over that!

Years ago I had a male platonic friend - not quite the same person as this man OP - but he was very close and wanted me to spend a lot of time with him as a platonic friend and then for us to go out a fair bit and 'educate me' etc especially when it came to men, dating, fashion etc. He did have a few good ideas but he had some seriously skewed ideas re women, lifestyles and also had a darker side too. Lending items - I once borrowed some trainers etc from him and he was ruthless about getting them back when we fell out, and then when we went on holiday together once he borrowed money off me (a couple of hundred pounds in total) and then took forever to pay it back and only after I asked firmly. We then ended up dating - again initiated by him and we lasted 3 months before our friendship and relationship ended, rather nastily too. No contact since then apart from when he messaged me/contacted me on Linked In - turned out he was more than likely trying to start an affair with me as had been married for 2-3 years by then. I cut him off and blocked pretty damned quickly and to be honest I wish I'd cut him out of my life earlier. He was a nice guy at times but way too intense and probably stopped me meeting anyone nice earlier. Luckily I have DH now!

I think that you should return that tablet to Amazon. It was an expensive gift and you don’t want him holding that over you in any way.

I don't have the packaging anymore, it's been used alot.

More than happy to post it to him though If he tells me he wants it back

I think you'd benefit from therapy personally to help assert boundries in future

Just back to see how things are going. Caught up with the updates, and further information.

You have done absolutely the right thing. Good for you. You are writing more confidently now, and well done you, for posting on here and listening to some excellent advice.

The man is toxic, no obligation whatsoever to be beholden to him, make excuses, be his nurse or return anything. I'm saddened for his son. Just cut this awful life destroying person loose.

If he tries anything nasty, we are here, lots of us.

He can huff and puff all he likes, but he won't blow your house down.

I think, in a while, you will find that the GAD improves, he has not helped it at all has he?

OP I'm so glad you found the confidence to post here and make the progress you have with severing this relationship.

Obviously all this happened over several years and would be more insidious in RL but to read it all in one fell swoop, the extent of his issues is absolutely shocking and very alarming. You've done the best thing you could have done in blocking him and moving on.

He may well have personality problems, or be on the autistic spectrum, or any other neurological thing - that is irrelevant, how he lives his life should not impact how you live yours. Hoping he realises he's gone too far and backs off completely now.

Thanks all for the support I've received here, it has been most helpful in pushing me to cut him off as it really needed to be done.

I was very conflicted when I first posted as although the bloke is a nightmare I couldn't help but feel slightly out of order for cutting him off after he's bought us so many gifts.

I can see as clear as day now that the presents were just another way of maintaining control. I don't need them, I'm perfectly capable of buying these things myself especially stuff for the kids.

Hopefully now I've severed ties he will focus his attention on his son who he doesn't bother with, then again the son is probably better off out of it. Good luck to him on his endeavours finding somebody else to fill the void.

Temp - well done for starting this thread, and well done to everyone who so-called 'catastrophised' and validated Temp's concerns.

We should all start from a position of treating others with compassion and kindness - whether family member, friend, colleague or stranger - but we absolutely should NOT extend that ad infinitum to people who trample our boundaries time and time again.

As women, we are socialised to do this to our detriment, by people who don't always show us compassion and kindness.

It is a two-way street, and for our own self-care, security and wellbeing, we need to get better at prioritising kindness and compassion to ourselves, over those who don't deserve it.

You have made the right decision, and Mumsnet comes into its own at times like this. It's one small corner of the internet/world where the majority will tell women it's OK not to make it all about [inappropriate] men's feelings, and will strongly push women to reject what they know is not right.

Well said Sparkie. Spot on!!!

Yes yes to what Sparkie says. Spirit fingers!

I’m amazed you put up with him for so long. The bloke is nuttier than 🐿 💩

Hi five to @SparkiePolastri 🙌

Well done, OP. You will start to feel so much better now.

I hope those posters who accusing others of 'catastrophising' have read the OPs post where she describes exactly what has caused her to worry about this man.

Stick to your guns, OP, I understand your concern about provoking him to become, as you say, 'spiteful', but you will be so much better off without him scamming money off you and making you feel uncomfortable.

Well the silence was golden whilst it lasted, I got a message from him this afternoon on Facebook messenger asking why I've blocked him and what he's done wrong. He's made a new account probably with the sole purpose of finding out what's happened.

My settings are as private as I could make them but he's still managed to get through. I got a notification in the app alerting me to a 'message request'

I haven't 'accepted' the request so he doesn't know I've seen it yet. I'm not sure whether to calmly explain or just continue to ignore.

He isn't being aggressive, just sounds confused.

Can you make yourself unfindable. Or no messages unless offfriends

I know people who have used false names on their FB and other social media accounts for just this reason - they don't want to be found. You could do that, as if you keep blocking him he will probably keep creating new accounts.

I think the method is to close the present account and set up the false name one. Hassle, I guess, and probably not totally foolproof, but it can be done. Then you just have a few trusted friends and family on there with all privacy settings tightly locked down.

You don't add photos of yourself or your child either, just in case he does happen to glimpse one via a mutual friend.

I'd rather not have to make a new account, I've got around 10 years worth of memories on this one not to mention a ton of albums with hundreds of photos throughout the years (which are currently set to me only)

It would be a huge PITA to have to lose/move all of that because of one pushy twat

I've looked at changing my name on the profile but because I've had to submit ID to Facebook before after my account was wrongfully closed, I'm no longer able to change my name in the settings.

Just ignore the message.

Unfriend him and ignore. No dialogue at all.