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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask people to pay for their own drinks at my wedding?

140 replies

TheLastKingdom5 · 17/03/2019 15:30

We are having a small wedding in the summer with around 12-15 people.

Money is tight and we never wanted a big do - we don't really have many people we would want to invite in the first place, and the hought of spending thousands to be the centre of attention all day makes me shudder.

So we're having a registry office wedding, followed by a buffet lunch in a pub (£13 pp). We will obviously be paying for this, but drinks are not included - AIBU to ask people to buy their own drinks? We don't drink alcohol (I'll also be driving), but I know certain people in the party would literally take the piss, and drink a lot if it was an open bar.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 17/03/2019 16:49

I think a glass for toasting and a glass of bubbles on arrival, AND wine and bottles of water for the table, is a bit OTT for a pub buffet, TBH.

I went to a similar wedding –a bit bigger, but same set-up, reception a buffet in a pub/wine bar – and the couple paid for the food and had a wedding cake. It was totally clear and understood that guests would buy their own drinks. I didn't think for a second it was parsimonious or mean Hmm.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 17/03/2019 16:49

I understand money is tight, but a welcome drink would be nice, so the first thing they do is not queue up the bar.

KitKat1985 · 17/03/2019 16:50

I think cash bar is fine in the main, but I think a bit of bubbly or something for the toasts would be nice I doubt anyone will notice if it's prosecco rather than champagne If you've only got 12-15 guests then you probably only need 3-4 bottles so everyone can have a glass with the toasts.

cookiemonster3 · 17/03/2019 16:51

We had welcome drink, toast and one with the meal. They could chose from wine or selected spirits for the meal drink.

Never been to a wedding with an open bar. It seems to mainly be an American thing.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 17/03/2019 16:52

I've never been to a wedding with an open bar and I don't think anyone one expects that. Some great suggestions here. A welcome glass of Prosecco or a Buck's Fizz (To keep costs down), 3 bottles of red and 3 of white on the table. A bottle of wine should give 6 glasses. If you are doing cake/speeches then another glass of prosecco. Don't get bottled water, most people are happy with a jug of tap water. Also ask your pub if they could do a carafe /jug of a non-alcoholic cocktail.
Hope you have a fab day

DogInATent · 17/03/2019 16:53

You ought to provide something for toasting.

I would personally suggest providing wine, juice and water on the buffet table but anything from the bar they purchase for themselves. For fifteen people at lunchtime that would be three bottles of fizz and six bottles of red/white (probably 4 white to 2 red for a lunch buffet).

Speak to the pub and let them manage the bottles, you want to make sure that bottles aren't opened until the previous bottle is ending so that unused bottles are returned.

There are some people that can take the piss at an open bar, but hopefully they're a small minority. We provided an open bar for our wedding and were amazed how much was left over - it kept us going for over a year afterwards (private venue not a pub, we stocked it ourselves).

Applesbananaspears · 17/03/2019 16:55

Personally I’ve never been to a wedding with a pay bar although sometimes spirits aren’t included. I’d have some Prosecco and soft drinks on arrival and I’d provide wine, beer, water and fizzy water for the table.

Bunnylady53 · 17/03/2019 16:55

@ Iwantchocolates - lol at “ biting my own drinks”

dreichuplands · 17/03/2019 16:56

To be fair I've only attended two weddings that didn't have an open bar, and both provided some drinks. I don't think you have to and Mumsnet has taught me that it isn't that unusual in the round. There isn't one right way to do weddings but giving out some kind of drink, alcoholic or not is a hosting norm.

Nodancingshoes · 17/03/2019 16:57

I think it's fine. I've never been to a wedding with an open bar. Maybe pay for a glass of bucks fizz for everyone on arrival but that would be all I would do

havingtochangeusernameagain · 17/03/2019 16:59

We offered sparkling wine immediately after the ceremony but all other drinks were a paid bar. I can't remember if we had wine with the meal, we may have done.

converseandjeans · 17/03/2019 16:59

As others have said offer a welcome drink and perhaps couple of bottles of something on the table - or if people prefer beer buy first round in?

LimeKiwi · 17/03/2019 17:01

We went to a wedding yesterday, bought our own drinks. (Drink on arrival provided but rest buy your own.)
In fact, I've been to tons of weddings over the years and it's always been the norm to buy your own drinks.
Only ever been to one where it's a free bar and was like Shock and wahey Grin
Seriously, people won''t expect a free bar. It's not the norm from what I've seen.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/03/2019 17:03

I think most people expect to pay for their own drinks after the meal, an open bar at a wedding is rare these days. But it will seem very stingy if you don't provide wine for the meal (not loads, just enough for everyone to have a glass) and something for toasting.

Purpleartichoke · 17/03/2019 17:04

The only time I have been unhappy with a cash bar is when it included water. Guests should not need to pay for basic hydration:

RomanyQueen1 · 17/03/2019 17:10

I would expect to buy my own drinks unless it says free bar, or drinks on us or something like that.
Could you not pay for the first drink of champers for the toast.

chocatoo · 17/03/2019 17:11

I agree, you should pay for the first drink and some bubbly for a toast. Best not to ask people what they’d like, just organise for a couple of trays of drinks to be on the bar or a side table (again I think bubbly is easiest as suitable for all). Doesn’t need to be champagne, Prosecco or cava perfectly acceptable.
I’m afraid you might come over as a little tight if you don’t, especially if people are bringing gifts.
Hope you have a lovely day.

cushioncovers · 17/03/2019 17:15

I think there should be drinks on the table during the meal. A bottle each of white and red, a jug of water and maybe a bottle of elderflower presse or something similar for those not drinking. Then coffee after the meal. Then guests buy their own drinks afterwards.

FrangipaniBlue · 17/03/2019 17:16

It's normal to provide wine on the table with a meal but as you're not having a meal maybe do what friends of mine did.......

each guest was issued with a "voucher" which could be used for 1 glass of wine, 1 pint of beer/lager, 1 spirit and mixer or 1 soft drink.

The bar totalled these up and the B&G paid the bill Smile

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 17/03/2019 17:16

The only wedding I’ve been too where the drinks were provided and free was mine! We only had 19 people.

All other have had a glass of something for the toast and a paid bar.

Nearlythere1 · 17/03/2019 17:17

Half a bottle of wine per person as is the norm with "occasion" dinners, then buy your own. I don't that's unreasonable at all.

user1471426142 · 17/03/2019 17:20

I have never been to a wedding without any refreshments provided. An open bar isn’t expected but it would feel quite stingy to not to anything at all, particularly when the cost of the buffet is low. Given the small number of guests it’s unlikely you’d have many who would take the piss.

sweetkitty · 17/03/2019 17:21

I’ve never been to a wedding where there’s been a free bar!

Usually glass of fizz/orange juice for toasts and a bottle of red/white per table. The rest of the drinks you buy.

We had a tiny wedding and paid for everything though.

hotcrossbun4321 · 17/03/2019 17:30

I think a welcome drink should be a minimum really - if only from a logistical point of view - you don't want everyone to arrive and then all have to head straight for the bar and spend ages queuing. I think it would spoil the vibe a bit. You can do small 125ml glasses for the welcome drink, so around 2 bottles of wine/prosecco, and a few glasses of orange juice as an alternative, which shouldn't break the bank.

I've been to small budget weddings but have always been provided for - even if it's simple fayre like home homemade sandwiches/cakes and buckets with cans of beer/wine boxes, it shows the thought was there.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/03/2019 17:30

I get the first round of drinks and some bubbly to do a toast after the meal or something personally. It feels like a nice compromise between 'you're on your own' and 'drink as much as you want at our expense'

We had a free bar at ours (very very small wedding and bought it wholesale so v cheap as wasn't at a bar) and some people do go completely bonkers drinking when the booze is free!

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